The Crazy Train Has Left the Building

Stop the presses. This just in. The Jackson 5 is lined up to play 250 concerts in Las Vegas over the three years starting next year, when Jackson will be 50. Further concerts around the U.S. and the world are planned.

What, that's not even the crazy part. Evidently there are also plans to build a Michael Jackson theme park, casino, hotel and stadium in the Las Vegas. There has been talk of a museum and a stadium for Michael - complete with Jackson memorabilia, videos, rare footage, casino, rides and concert halls.

Is it just me or is giving Michael Jackson and his brothers a reported $300+ million financially unsound? And by "financially unsound," I mean bat-shit crazy. What in the fuck are these people thinking? Do the financial investors honestly think that a theme park which sells Jesus Juice and has rides such as "The Matterhorny" is a prudent investment? They would be better off burning the money or asking

God, where have I heard this crazy idea before? Oh wait, right here.

Also check out recent photos of the quintet. I think you'll find the family resemblance among Tito, Marlon, Jackie, Michael and Jermaine Jackson is uncanny.

Separated at Birth - Stayin' Alive

I can't imagine what would possess someone with money to get a rug like this. Awful. I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.

"I'll Have a McQuaalude with Cheese..."

Check out this groovy video clip. Welcome to the intersection of fast food commercials and acid. From the apple pie trees ... to the thick shake volcanos ... to the french fry plants ... to the hamburger patch ... the whole thing is just fucking bizarre.

BTW, whatever happened to Mayor McCheese? Did they kill him off or what?

(Thanks again to VMD for sending).

Is Your Cat a Pirate?

This video is hilarious, although it might be a bit more accurate to ask "Is your cat a gold prospector?" given the way that the lucky owner sifts through the sand box. I also think that given all she's finding is congealed, sandy clumps of cat urine and excrement, it might be a bit of a stretch to describe it as "treasure."

(Thanks to VMD for sending)

Celebrity Trainwreck (Cont.)

After watching this video of a clearly-stoned, pregnant, clown-faced Anna Nicole Smith talking to a doll in a baby carriage as if it were real, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my "no dead celebrities on the Top 10 Celebrity Train Wreck List" rule. Even worse, I'm thinking that MJ might actually get bumped down to #3 after watching this video.

God, I can't even believe I'm typing this. Where are the unicorns?

My Celebrity Train Wreck List

I cannot believe I am about to do this. I swore on my children that I would never waver in my belief and allegiance. And yet, I can no longer continue to believe the way that I do.

For years, Michael Jackson has been a solid #1 on my list of celebrity train wrecks. There were so many contributing factors - his obsession with make believe and fantasy; his ever-changing grotesque appearance; his penchant for sharing his bed and bodily fluids with underage boys; his pet chimp Bubbles and Neverland Ranch; the criminal allegations; his bizarre parenting style; etc. Shit, the list goes on and on and on.

But for the first time ever, I think he may be displaced. I’m going to go out on a limb and state that we have a new reigning Champion of the Insane -- and her name is Britney Spears. You could point to a number of escalating high profile wrecks (the frequency and severity of which both seem to be increasing): her predictably awful marriage to Wigger-iffic Kevin Federline and subsequent separation; her generally bizarre behavior, including having her babymaker photographed repeatedly by the paparazzi; and her rapid transformation from sexy vixen to bloated, pasty redneck. And now, in the span of about 48 hours, she checked herself into rehab; exited said rehab the same day; shaved her head herself; and then got a tattoo while ranting “I don't want anyone touching me! I'm tired of everyone touching me!” Fantastic.

You don’t understand how serious and fundamental a shift this is for me. This is like me rooting for the Yankees in baseball or USC in football. To not rank Michael Jackson at #1 flies in the face of all reason. I’m terrified at which other of my long standing beliefs would change next. Will I suddenly find Scarlett Johansson hideous and Paris Hilton hygienic and admirable? I shudder the thought.

With that preface, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the new “Top 10 Celebrity Train Wreck List” TM:

1. Britney Spears
2. Michael Jackson
3. Lindsey Lohan
4. Courtney Love
5. Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown
6. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes
7. Nicole Ritchie
8. Mel Gibson
9. Tara Reid
10. Mariah Carey

Honorable mention (in alphabetical order): Paula Abdul, Danny Bonaduce, Pete Doherty, Nick Nolte, Charlie Sheen and Sharon Stone.

As an aside, I should note that Anna Nicole Smith would easily rank in the top 5 (perhaps the top 3) if she were alive. However, the Top 10 CTWL is reserved for living celebrities only, otherwise we would have to expand the list to include a whole bunch of other celebrities who died on their way to Crazy Town.

Feel free to comment, supplement or mock as you see fit.

Al Gore, What the Fuck Did You Eat?

Jesus Christ, stay away from the deep fried St. Louis food. Now that you've discovered the Internet, Al, you need to discover yogurt and sit-ups. Hop to it, my man.

Sorry it's not much. I wanted to post something, but I'm swamped today. I hope you all have a great holiday weekend.

Pet Peeves of the Day

Here's a short excerpt of the never-ending list of things that piss me off:

* Three hour conference calls where I haven't been provided a copy of the handout materials. "Oh, you can Google 12 C.F.R. 30 to find the regulations online." Fuck that. I can also Google "amputee porn" but I'm not going to do that either.

* When it rains, there are 2 sets of people that annoy he shit out of me: (a) those people who have oversized umbrellas who walk down the middle of the street, causing other pedestrians to duck and dive out of their way, and (b) those people who have umbrellas but who insist on walking under the awning, forcing those individuals without umbrellas to walk out in the rain in order to avoid them.

* I bought a daybed sofa last night and specifically asked "does this include everything? Is there another box?" I was assured that I had everything. I get home ... open up the box ... and discover I'm missing the mattress, the hardware, the instructions and a pillow. What the fuck?! How could I be missing all this stuff? I call them back and they reassure me that there's not another box and ask that I return it for another box, presumably one that contains all of the required pieces. You can be goddamned sure that I'm going to open it up in the store and assemble it right there to make sure I have everything.

Okay, that is all .... for now.

Separated at Birth...

... Chaka Khan and the Earth.

There's nothing wrong with being plus-sized Chaka, just don't dress up like the Big Blue Marble. I'm just saying.

Celebrity Plastic Surgery Gone Awry

It's odd / funny / sad how often bad cheek implants make a celebrity look like Madame (I'm not certain who ends up looking like Wayland Flowers). Joan Rivers is a lost cause. I know Dolly's 60, but good lord, what the hell happened to her? And is that Cher or Axel Rose?

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day ranks right up there with New Year's and George W. Bush Day as my least favorite holiday. However even a hard ass like myself couldn't resist the romantic draw of this card. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

(Okay, I'll admit it's a bit crass but still it's goddamned funny.)

TurboTax is in the Hizzle!

The New York Post reported that Vanilla Ice was hired by TurboTax.com (owned by Intuit) to host the "Tax Rap Contest," "providing fun-loving taxpayers nationwide a shot at their own Grammy-worthy performance and $25,000 in winnings."

To kick off the contest, Vanilla Ice has unveiled an original music video "inspired by his own personal tax-filing experiences" on YouTube. "We want people to 'get their tax on,' " said a company rep.

And if you thought the description was bad enough, you should check out the website.

Wow, $25,000 to make a complete ass of yourself. Sign me up. The site indicates that are other prizes as well, such as TurboTax downloads. Which is great, except the contest winners aren't announced until April 15. The day that taxes are due. Well done, Intuit.

Challenge - I dare anyone out there to watch the homemade videos in the entirety. I personally think that the Ned Beaty rape scene in Deliverance is more palatable than these videos. Simply awful.

Come 'N Get 'Er!

To the left is a photo of deep fryer. And below is Monday's cafeteria menu for my company, which is headquartered in Shit Louis, MO. Please note the heavy emphasis on foods utilizing the pictured deep fryer:




"February 12th-16th, 2006

GUEST CHEF MONDAY-DONNA’S DEEP FRYER

Country Fried Hamburgers
Country Fried Banana and P-Nut Butter Sandwiches
Deep Fried Catfish (Farm Raised)
Fried Veggie Wraps
French Fries
Fried Okra
Fried Mushrooms
Fried Pickles

ALSO!!! Fried Cookies and Twinkies!!!"


Uhhh, is anyone else noticing a trend here? Yes people, every goddamned food item is deep fried. What the fuck?! I thought that the restaurant I frequented once in STL that sold deep fried cheescake was the exception, not the grotesquely unhealthy norm. Jesus Christ, would it have killed them to sell the pickles, cookies and Twinkies as is?

As an aside, did these backwoods people ever learn how to spell the word "peanut"? What kind of country-ebonics is the word "P-Nut"? I don't know if it's stupidity or laziness, but it's ridiculous either way.

Ugh, I keep thinking about the menu and I'm beginning to feel seriously queasy. I was beginning to think it was just my sensitive stomach and then I found the below t-shirt and realized that it's not me, it's them.

Say Goodbye to Russell Crowe's Testacles

Russell Crowe, who co-owns a national rugby league (NRL) team in South Sydney, recently announced that his club was doing away with its cheerleaders because they made male fans feel uncomfortable. Instead of cheerleaders, the "Rabbitohs" will have a drumming band during NRL home matches.

"Our focus is to re-establish rugby league and women," Crowe said. "The focus on game day should be a positive experience for the crowd."

And my favorite, unfathomable quote:

"We feel the cheerleaders made a lot of (male fans) uncomfortable."

Actually Russell, I seriously doubt that men watching rugby league football -- which is one of the most violent and aggressive games on the planet -- are too uncomfortable with female cheerleaders. Human sacrifice? Probably so. Attractive women in skimpy clothes? Probably not so much.

Other implausible quotes include:

* "We examined game day and wanted to contemporise and make the focus football."

* "We felt we didn't need cheerleaders and would like them replaced by a group of drummers, male and female."

* "We've talked to a lot of people and everyone sees it as being progressive."

* "The whole idea of percussion will be exciting for the crowd."

Not surprisingly, the Hollywood star also said his wife demand...., uhhh, supported the club's controversial move, who liked the idea of men and women performing together in the drum band.

"She likes the fact that game day entertainment will be multi-sex. She likes that aspect," Crowe said.

Jesus Christ, did your wife remove both of your stones? What happened to the drunken, brawling, skirt-chasing, cellphone-throwing Russell Crowe that we all knew and lov..., uhhh, tolerated?

If skimpily-clad, attractive women cannot cheer for their favorite rugby team ... then I'm afraid that the terrorists have truly won.

Missouri in a Nutshell

This video pretty much captures the essence of Missouri. Oh, add in the fact that Shit Louis is the murder and STD capital of the United States and, well, you can pretty much guess why my heart goes pitter patter every time I have the privilege to go there.

Sorry I've been derelict in my posting duties - I should be shot. I pray to god/allah/scarlett johansson that I will have a post about my meeting by tomorrow. Hectic, hectic work days have dragged me down recently.

Separated at Birth

Fergie and E.T. Absolutely accurate ... and frightening.



Preview: A more detailed post about my STL trip will follow.

"So Does it Come With a View?"

No, this man is not a giant. He's simply standing in a ridiculously small "flat" in London that is going for $335K. No, I'm dead serious.

In the latest "News of the Ridiculous," a 77-square-foot former storage room — slightly bigger than a prison cell and without electricity — is going for $335,000 in London's exclusive Knightsbridge neighborhood.

At more than $4,340 a square foot, the mortgage buys a spot within walking distance of tony stores like Harrods and London's iconic Hyde Park. Originally conceived as a maid's room, the apartment at 18 Cadogan Place hasn't been used for years and is littered with trash bags and crumbling paint. A coffin-sized shower is en suite, and storage is provided by a shallow closet and 10-inch-deep shelves cut into the wall. Two hot plates and a small sink make up the kitchen. Two dirty windows allow light to filter into the basement room, and the fire escape could conceivably double as a shared patio.

Oh, and there's no electricity or heating, which will cost an additional $59,000 in order to make the room habitable.

I'm sorry, but this is just nuttier than Tom Cruise. Jesus Christ, where would I put my Beanie Baby collection? I swear I will never, ever again complain about the price of real estate in the Bay Area.

Thanks to VMD for sending.

The New AT&T

It's been a week since I've posted and, yes, I know that I suck. But the week has been pretty much more of the same - early conference calls and too little sleep.

There was some good news this week. We won our second straight rugby game, leaving us at the top of the standings. However, we play the Division III Rugby National Champions this weekend, so we'll enjoy it while it lasts. And for those who had expressed concerns over my disfigured lip, it is entirely healed up and held up nicely in this past weekend's game. I can't say my neck is in any great shape, but oh well ...

Anyway, here's a funny, albeit confusing, video clip of Stephen Colbert explaining the whole AT&T/Cingular merger. I hadn't even heard the news, so this little video cheat sheet came in quite handy. This video goes out to my telecom homies at the Q. Enjoy, y'all!

Wednesday Nonsense

My crazy manager just quit on Monday. No, not the new, crazy dude that owns a label maker. I'm talking about the crazy woman. That one. Anyway, I knew that she would be leaving eventually when she didn't get the General Counsel's job that she lobbied for -- and actually performed for over a year. But I didn't think she would be so rash to "resign" upon one day's notice -- and without another job to go to. Ouch.

Anyway, she's hired me twice and I've worked for her for years, so it's going to be weird working without her. She would drive me 110% nuts with her crazy fire drills, so I won't miss that. But she was a good person and had a sense of humor, both of which will be missed. It also probably means that David James will need to dust off his resume, which I guess is both good and bad. But I'd better get to it before I, uhhh, resign next.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The "Good" - we won our first rugby match of the season, beating the Marin Reds 11-7. It's a great feeling to win the first league game of our 8 game season, esp. since we weren't so great last year. We have a game this weekend against another good team before we play the Division 3 USA rugby national champion the following weekend.

The "Bad" - somehow my face managed to awkwardly collide with some 300 lb. guy's fist/forearm/paw when he went to high tackle me. Gosh, I am so clumsy sometimes! I managed to bust up my mouth pretty good so, suffice it to say, my lip balm modeling career might be on hold for a bit.

The "Ugly" - because Derek will certainly insist on seeing a photo of said injury, well here you go. My daughter summed it up nicely when she said "Daddy, it looks a little bit ... worse today."

Thank you dear child. You have to love the refreshing honesty of children.

Bye Bye Birdie

Last night as I was making my way in the house, I found another dead bird on my front porch in almost the exact same spot as the one I found on Christmas. I thought the double homicide/suicide was a bit of an odd coincidence, so I decided to research the literary/dream symbolism of a dead bird. Perhaps there's a deeper meaning.

My rudimentary research indicated that the dead bird, as it appears in literature and in dreams, symbolizes "lamentation over lost innocence" (or "maidenhood"), as well as "lost love."

As much as I hate to disappoint my readers, I must admit that I lost my maidenhood a loooong time ago (sorry ladies). And I wouldn't call Scarlett Johansson dating Josh Hartnett "lost love," per se, although I guess that could change if she were to marry that loser.

Since that didn't really explain things much, I then began to ponder the "how" and "why" of it all. Most notably, "why am I getting weekly deliveries of dead birds on my goddamned front porch?" After considering the various possibilities, I concluded that one of the following was the answer:

Conclusion 1 - The roof of my house is made out of some mysterious, toxic substance which instantly kills birds on contact. Awesome. Now if I could only find some more of that goop to slather on Ann Coulter, I'd be very pleased.

Conclusion 2 - Some asshole is distributing dead birds in my neighborhood like some sort of fucking Johnny Appleseed. This would be equally awesome except for the fact that I'm the only one that appears to be regularly receiving these little gifts.

Conclusion 3 - A neighborhood cat is trying to curry favor with me by leaving me dead presents on my doorstep on a daily basis. How sweet. While I would prefer chocolates or flowers, I guess a dead bird would have to be considered a unique present. I can't honestly say I've ever received them before.

I'm going to have to choose conclusion 3 since it's the only one that will allow me to sleep at night.

Righteous!

The Prophesy of Pat Roberts

Our good buddy Pat Robertson is back to his forecasting ways.

On Tuesday, Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear (Ed. note: I'm certain he pronounced it "nuke-u-ler"). The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Holy shit, this guy talks to God so his track record has to be better than mine in my weekly "NFL Pick 'Em Pool." Hmmm, let's take a look at his ..., uhhh, I mean God's track record and let's assign a letter score to his prognostication ability.

* In January 2004, the broadcaster predicted that President Bush would easily win re-election.

Grade: C+. He was correct, Bush did win re-election and, unlike 2000, Bush actually won 51% of the vote, narrowly beating Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass). However, you would think that with God whispering in your ear, you could get a lot more specific than that. Predicting Bush would win re-election would have been like predicting that "tails will prevail" in a coin flip. Big deal.

* In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts. It's like predicting that a large star called "the sun" will magically rise in the East and set in the West -- each and every day of the year. Again, BFD.

Grade: C-. The Republican-led Senate did confirm Bush's 2005 nominations of right-wing fuckwits John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, but Bush's inane Social Security initiative stalled and eventually died. And again, it doesn't take fucking Kreskin to predict that a conservative freak president will nominate conservative freak judges to higher courts.

* In January 2006, Robertson suggested that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Grade: Incomplete/No Grade Assigned. This isn't even a prediction. So why did I include it? Simply to demonstrate what an asshole Pat Robertson is.

* In May 2006, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.

Grade: F. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Well no shit, asshole. Hitting less than 50% of your predictions does not smack of God-inspired prophesy. If Robertson could have predicted the precise day that we lost the 3,000th solider in the Iraq civil war, that would have been compelling. Fuck, even predicting a St. Louis Cardinals vs. Detroit Tiger World Series match-up during spring training would have been impressive enough.

Jesus Christ, Pat, please quit while you're ahead before you ruin your credibility and make a mockery of your God-inspired leg pressing claims, too.

What It Is, What It Was, What It Shall Be....

When I was a kid growing up in the 70's, I used to love watching bad TV game shows -- Hollywood Squares, The Joker's Wild, Tic Tac Dough, Card Sharks, you name it. One of my very favorite ones was Family Feud. I'm talking about the original one featuring Richard Dawson, not any of those shitty hacks that tried to follow in his footsteps. It was one game show where (1) it would often occur to me that I was decidedly smarter than those people that were actually on the show, and (2) Richard Dawson would never hesitate to let a contestant know (albeit nicely) how dumb they really were.

Anyway, it was some time during the late 1970's and I distinctly remember watching Family Feud in the middle of the day. I presume it was summertime, but it could have been one those days that are now referred to in the corporate world as a "personal leave day."

There were two families -- one family of European descent and one African American family. Or as it was simply described back then, the white family vs. the black family. I remember each family being a collage of bad fashion, dated hairstyles, and questionable game show answers. However, at the end of round 3 (or so), the "white" family led the "black" family along the lines of 268-0.

It's now time for the famed "Triple Score Round" (a/k/a "Let's finally finish up this game so we can show some goddamned commercials").

Richard Dawson begins to speak. "The top five answers are on the board. Name a slang term for a police officer."

BUZZ!!

"Cop" says the one guy from the black family.

"Survey says ....."

DING!!

"Cop is the #1 answer," says Dawson. "Do you want to play or pass?"

"We'll play, Richard," the family member confidently states.

Richard asks each family member the same question, "name a slang term for a police officer" and the proceed to reel off the remaining answers in order of popularity and without getting a single strike:

"Fuzz"
"Heat"
"Pig"
"The Man"

And it just so happened that those were the only five responses, so the black family ended up winning 300-268. I remember it was pretty funny at the time, because the other family just stood there looking entirely stunned, thinking they had the game in the bag.

While I realize that there are probably some profound - and perhaps disturbing - sociological conclusions to be drawn from this episode, what really strikes me even years later was the jargon used back then. Certainly cop is still commonly used, but whatever happened to the more 70's-esque terms -- "heat," "pig" and "fuzz?" Or what about other great 70's terms, like "far out," "groovy," and "right on?" What ever happened to those?

Sure, some 70's terms are used still to this day (e.g., dude, awesome, disco). But there are so many great 70's colloquial expressions that have virtually disappeared and which, sadly, could soon be extinct one day.

So I decided that my 2007 New Year's resolution would be to bring back some of the 70's slang. Don't get me wrong, I'm just talking about the expressions, not the clothing, music or hairstyle. I'm really going to make an effort to sprinkle it into every day conversation as well as the blog. Special requests are, of course, welcome and encouraged.

And maybe, just maybe, we'll see a resurgence in the use of terms such as "foxy," "solid" and "can you dig it."

And as an extra bonus, here's a fantastic clip of Richard Dawson absolutely losing it and unable to compose himself on a Family Feud episode. I am certain he was hammered at the time, but that doesn't take away from the awesome-ness of this clip.

Dy-no-mite.

Is it 2007 Yet?

Hello kiddies ... I hope this message finds you doing well and recovering from the Christmas bloat. Christmas was good and relaxing. The kids had a great time and Santa was generous enough to leave me a dead bird on my front porch. I guess he couldn't make his way in because I don't have a chimney, so he decided to leave the pear tree-less partidge on the stairs outside of my front door. Either that, or it's some sort of subliminal mob gesture. In either event, I'm flattered that someone would be so thoughtful to get me the gift that no one else thought of. Well done.

Merry (Early) Christmas

Knowing my propensity for posting stuff on a timely basis and the likelihood that I will be offline this weekend, I wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday season.

My old roommate in Denver was Australian, so I found this skit involving Hugh Jackman and the "Christmas Kangaroo" particularly humorous. Plus, Will Ferrell is great. So if this video doesn't amuse you, then there it's not me, it's you.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Best Regards,

David James

The Fruitcake Lady

Despite being the season for lackadaisical work efforts, my employer is actually pressuring me to work. How novel is that?

So you know that that means. It's time, yet again, to pass off a three minute YouTube video as interesting content. Shhh, let's hope they don't notice.

I understand that the "Fruitcake Lady" appears on the Tonight Show, although I would have no idea as I haven't watched it since I was nine. But she's pretty funny nonetheless. My favorite quote occurs around minute 2:47. Enjoy. I'll try to have something new and/or interesting tomorrow.

New Laptop: Day 2

Dear IT Department:

Thank you for your timely response to my trouble ticket. Okay, I have to admit it that you haven't actually contacted me for 2 days -- let alone fixed my problems. But I thought that by thanking you in advance, you would actually be kind enough and respond to my cry for help. I hoped that kindness and patience would prevail over rage and threats of bodily injury.

Anyway, if I were to ask Santa Claus for one gift this year (other than the previously-requested world peace and Scarlett Johansson's virginity), it would be that one of your fine technicians would actually respond to my open trouble ticket and help me walk through the configuration of my new work laptop.

Don't get me wrong, I am honored that my company would actually spend $450 on a new Dell laptop. I'd like to think that you responded quickly to my complaint that I could no longer read the screen on my current Etch-O-Sketch laptop. In reality, it was probably the email rant where I noted that I was going blind from trying to read contracts on a goddammned pixilated screen. But that's water under the bridge now. My vision is returning to normal and I now have the fancy, newish (read: refurbished) laptop to use.

Well, at least use in theory. You see, it's not quite working properly, hence my call into our IT help desk to open a trouble ticket. Since the IT brainiac in St. Louis (i.e., Silicon Armpit) couldn't figure it out over the phone, it appears that my company is entrusting me to fully configure the new laptop, including, installing and setting all of the software, firewalls, security settings, systems tools, files, folders, backup data, and the like. I'm honored. It's kind of like when Pak'n Save entrusts you to responsibly pack your own groceries. Except, of course, that a computer contains years of important files and documents and is a wee bit more complicated to figure out than remembering the simple rule of "pack eggs and bread on top." But who doesn't like a challenge?

Anyway, if you could respond this year, that would be great. I'll be the guy in his office stealing WiFi from another building because the fucking network connection doesn't work on this piece-of-shit laptop.

Very Best Regards and Merry Christmas,

David James

One Week Until Christmas ....

Sorry for the delay in posting. I have been busy dealing with a bunch of stuff pertaining to the house, moving, work, etc., as well as struggling to configure and update a new work laptop after my old one died.

Anyway, to answer the various questions that have been asked over the past week or so:

* I officially move in on Wednesday
* The hot tub seats 7
* Sadly there is no stripper pole in the new house (sorry AJH)
* There are no new rugby injuries to report after Saturday's game
* For Christmas I would like world peace and Scarlett Johansson's virginity

Anyway .... I've always been a fan of those old Christmas specials that I watched as a child - "Charlie Brown Christmas," "A Year Without a Santa Claus" ... you name it. Well, except for that lame "Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey." Anyway I somehow stumbled across this video, which analyzes "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and illustrates what an asshole Santa Claus is. My favorite quote is when he tells Rudolph’s father that he "should be ashamed of yourself" for having a reindeer child with such a deformity.

I kind of knew that there was something wrong about him given the fact that Santa maintained a colony of slave...., uhh, I mean "indentured servant" elves. But I didn't realize what a tool he was before watching this video. Enjoy.

You're So Money and You Don't Even Know It

This video clip from the movie "Swingers" is, without question, the most painful, difficult to watch scene from any movie ever made. It could be just a guy thing, but I simply cringe every time I see it. Even now -- ten years after it first came out -- I can barely stand to sit through the entire scene. The Ned Beaty rape scene from "Deliverance" is far easier for me to watch. Hell, I would rather watch a homemade Star Jones sex tape than this scene.



However, there is one Star Jones video clip I could watch over and over again:

House Update

Below are some house photos which I was able to download from the former seller's agent website (long story). The active link I used to have no longer works since we are scheduled to close in a few days.

Anyway, here it is as the seller had it decorated. You will have to imagine (a) the removal of the yellow paint, and (b) the prominent glass storage case for my Beanie Baby collection. I'll probably have to convert one of the bedrooms for that purpose, but I'm otherwise open to ideas. And if you can suggest decorating ideas that incorporate milk crates and/or recycled cardboard, all the better...

Don't You Put That Evil On Me, Ricky Bobby!

Will Ferrell is fantastic. This made me laugh on an otherwise boring day.

Sorry that the posting has been sporadic recently. The past few days have been hectic in anticipation for the house closing, which is next Tuesday. Which means I will be accepting donations of food come next Wednesday. Preferably no tofu hot dogs, though.

Fuckwit Politician of the Day

Today's Fuckwit Politician of the Day (“FPotD”) is Colorado Republican Tom Tancredo, a freakishly conservative, anti-immigration politician, who recently warned that George Bush was a "dangerous internationalist" who was plotting to integrate the North American continent.

Tancredo, who conveniently forgets that his ancestors were once immigrants themselves, recently told WorldNetDaily, a controversial conservative website, “I know this is dramatic, or maybe somebody would say overly dramatic. But I’m telling you that everything I see leads me to believe that this whole idea of the North American union, it’s not something that’s just written about by right-wing fringe kooks,” said Tancredo, who himself is a right-wing fringe kook who is considering a run at the presidency. “It is something in the head of the president of the United States, the president of Mexico, I think the prime minister of Canada buys into it...”

Not surprisingly, Rolling Stone magazine recently labeled Tancredo as one of the 10 worst congressmen. The publication noted he wants to deport every undocumented worker in the United States, a proposal that would cost at least US$200 billion, and has called for halting all immigration, legal or otherwise.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tom “I hate brown people” Tancredo’s politics, here are a few highlights:

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they seek higher education!

* Tancredo criticized the Denver Public Library system for supporting Spanish-speaking families through reading materials and offering space for classes. I'm not sure why has an issue with Spanish speakers reading, but oh well.

* Tancredo founded the “Team America” political action committee in 2004 in order to collect contributions for immigration-restrictionist inclined congressional representatives and candidates. Sadly, Tancredo did not receive any credit for being the inspiration for the movie of the same name, ”Team America: World Police”.

* On September 11, 2006, Tancredo spoke to a gathering of the "Americans Have Had Enough Coalition", sponsored by the "The League of the South," which is a neo-Confederate organization that has been described as a racist hate group. According to reports, the room in which Tancredo spoke had a prominent picture of Robert E. Lee and was draped with Confederate battle flags. At the closing of the event, men dressed in full Confederate military regalia present stood up and began to sing "Dixie." Unfortunately, the League of the South couldn't locate an African American slave to lynch in order to make the setting perfect.

* On November 28, 2006, Tancredo was quoted in several news sources as referring to the city of Miami, Florida as a "Third World country." Jeb Bush called Tancredo's remarks "naive" in a letter to the congressman, who replied in a letter "I certainly understand and appreciate your need and desire to try and create the illusion of Miami as a multiethnic 'All American' city," he said. "However, it is neither naïve nor insulting to call attention to a real problem that cannot be easily dismissed through politically correct happy talk." Translation: “Suck it, Jeb.”

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they want to get an education?

* Tancredo stirred up controversy in 2005 when he mused on a Florida radio show that America could destroy Islamic holy sites like Mecca if there’s another terrorist attack on U.S. soil.

However, my favorite snippet about Tancredo pertained to the negative publicity he received when the Denver Post reported that two illegal immigrants were among the crew hired to remodel Tancredo’s basement. When asked about it, Tancredo defended himself by saying that he never asked about their immigration status. I guess he wasn’t tipped off by their brown skin and funny accents. But they were relegated to the basement, so how could you fault him?

Tom Tancredo: 2008. Your candidate for a whiter, easier to understand America.

Great Commercials of the 80s

Given his driving, I'm thinking Redd Foxx actually broke into the malt liquor supply before filming this. And I have no idea what the hell the premise was for this commercial:



I used to love watching Super Friends when I was a kid, although what's up with Wonder Woman and Aqua Man flying? That always bothered me:



I remember having one of these toys in my house when I was a kid. I'm pray to the littl 8 lb, 6 oz Baby Jesus that it was my sister's:



Is it just me, or is this the most anti-social commercial of all time? You don't need real friends. You only need the imitation friend that's manufactured and sold for $20 instead:

Mules Gone Wild!

The Sundance Film Festival announced Wednesday that Seattle filmmaker Robinson Devor's documentary "Zoo" has been accepted into the 2007 festival's documentary competition. The film examines the widely reported case of an Washington man who died in 2005 after having sex with a horse. "Zoo" is one of 16 documentaries selected for competition, all of which will screen as world premieres.

Really, a movie about a guy that schtupped a horse? Aren't these made all the time? You know, Rocky VI suddenly doesn't look so bad any more.

I really wish I was there to see how the actor selection process went:

Filmmaker: "I'm making a documentary and am looking for someone to play the lead in recreating some of the main scenes."
Starving Actor: "Sounds good. What does it entail?"
Filmmaker: "You're going to have to fuck a horse and then pretend to die."
Starving Actor: "Okay, I guess I'll do it. Does it pay standard wage?"
Filmmaker: "Actually, it's a documentary, so you won't be paid at all."
Filmmaker: "Okay, just .. don't .. get it my eyes."

Man, I can't wait for that one to hit the big screen. What a touching drama to capture on film. I wonder, when is the Pastor Ted Haggard documentary coming out? (Multiple puns intended)

And yes, somewhere in the faint distance I can hear someone uttering the predictable joke "Rectum? Hell, it killed him!"

Techical Difficulties

For some reason, this free website is giving me difficulties as I try to post some photos. I guess you get what you pay for. Oh well, so much for today's visual humor.

Today's "News of the Disgusting" is brought to you by my favorite 24 Hour Fitness gym. No, not the one in San Francisco that brought you the tofu hot dog story. Rather it's the one in Oakland that brought you this post as well as this rant. Just so everyone's clear on which freak show scene I'm talking about.

To set the scene, I go to wash my hands after using the restroom (as everyone should do, although not everyone follows this simple rule for some disgusting reason). Anyway, they don't have paper towels - ironically for sanitation reasons -- but instead have those adjustable hot air blowers that you dry your hands under. As I turn to go dry off my hands, I look over and see that some dude has turned the air blower upside down (i.e., aiming straight up) and is using it to dry off his package! He literally has his scrotum and wiener resting on the hot air blower as it's going full steam.

It reminded me of the old Mr. Bean videoclip:



My first thought was "what the fuck are you doing? Do you realize you are in public?" My next thought was one of utter revulsion. My last thought was "this poor guy could really use a Philips Bodygroomer if he needs a high-powered hand dryer to blow dry his pubic hair."

Fast forward five days later and I noticed that there was another guy with his head covered with a towel. He had his towel-covered head buried in the same upside-down hand dryer, attempting to dry his hair. At least it was on his head. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that one man's makeshift hair dryer is another man's testicle drying machine.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. I spent a very quiet holiday with family and enjoyed a carb-tastic dinner. Everyone I know loves the Thanksgiving meal (perhaps minus a few annoying relatives), so I've wondered why we only have turkey and all the fixings once per year. I mean, it's not like there's some sort of stuffing shortage or cranberry sauce embargo. The good holidays start to dwindle in the early part of the year, so why not have "Thanksgiving Day II" in, say, June? It's not like "Flag Day" is knocking anyone's socks off.

Hello Bankruptcy

My counter-counter-offer was just accepted on this house. It's located in the Bay Area, which means I will be subsisting on a steady diet of Top Ramen and tap water for the foreseeable future. But at least you all have a place to crash next time you visit Northern California.

Seriously, I am a bit freaked out by it all but oh well. But I figure I've got an extra kidney, just in case I run short of cash. Home inspection is tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Tom Cruise is a Giant

If you're like me, you waited breathlessly all weekend for updates and photos from the big Tom Cruise-Kate Holmes wedding this weekend.

Okay, truth be told, I really didn't give this non-event one second of thought this weekend. Sure, it's not often when a famous celebrity marries his third beard, but still I have a lot of better things to do. Like play rugby. Although this time I didn't make the same mistake as the prior weekend, where I was seriously undercaffeinated for the game (although I didn't think I would play then with my busted up thumb). Instead, I was amped up with caffeine (4 shots of espresso, a couple of Red Bulls and a Coca Cola Zero). I was also fitted with a handy new thumb protector. Actually, it was the splint that my doctor issued me, which I cut down to make less bulky. Pretty neat, eh? Anyway, it worked well and I had played just fine up until the time in the game that my heart actually exploded. Oh well.

Anyway, I've posted this weeding photo to note the amazing growth spurt of Tom Cruise. You remember those kids in high school that grew about 5 inches in one year? Well apparently Tom Cruise just entered puberty and hit the same growth spurt. Either that or he's standing on the backs of his Scientologist groomsmen. Because there's no fucking way that he's taller than her, as evidenced by the following photo:

Honestly, she must be knee-deep in a whole to stand eye level with her diminutive, nut-job husband.

Dear 8 lb, 6 oz Baby Jesus....

It’s the unholy hour of 6:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, and I’m standing in a security line at SFO airport. There’s about 30 people ahead of me in line, so I’m not alone in my enjoyment. As we shuffle through, one of the TSA agents reminds travelers that there liquids permitted on the plane. Evidently, the tourists ahead of me in line didn’t receive a copy of the memo outlining the well known travel restrictions and were forced to throw away 3 bottles of Napa’s finest wine that they had attempted to smuggle on the plane. Ouch.

As I finally make my way through the line, the splint on my arm draws the attention of security and I am whisked away to a special area for closer scrutiny. Evidently there’s something in the Security Level Orange level that requires individuals wearing medical-related devices to submit to extra-special security screening. God knows what happens to travelers in wheelchairs once the security level is cranked up to Red, but I think it involves a full body cavity search.

Unfortunately for my readers, the rest of my travel to St. Louis was pretty non-descript. I had an entire row to myself, passed out about 10 minutes into the flight, and slept pretty much the entire way. No Shrek-like seatmates, no vomiting octogenarians, no flatulent teens.

What can I say about St. Louis itself? I’m basically out in the suburbs, right near the nation’s largest strip mall (congratulations, Missouri) and I can’t get over the combination of Red State, Wal-Mart, and the general level of unhealthiness. People smoke in bars and restaurants, the serving sizes are ridiculous, and everything appears to be deep fried, even when it doesn’t need to be. The best example of this was one of the dessert options at dinner one night -- deep fried cheesecake. Yup, that pretty much sums up St. Louis for me.

Fortunately for my audience, my flight back from St. Louis on Thursday contained its normal level of heightened annoyance. Within 5 minutes of taking off, I notice that the airplane smells vaguely of vomit. And by vaguely, I mean “strongly.” But it’s no big deal. I’m sure that I can hold my breath for 3.2 hours.

It turns out that the source of the smell was the woman in the row directly in front of me, who is eating some fragrant delicacy that I think is some combination of cod, vinegar and sweat socks. God bless her for sparing people in the airport by waiting until the flight had commenced before breaking into her dinner. What a thoughtful lass.

The voice over the intercom just announced that the in flight movie would be “Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.” Wow, things are starting to look up. The rest of the flight I alternate between “Ricky Bobby” and Season 2 episodes of “Arrested Development” and was perfectly content. It even helped me to temporarily forget the putrid stench which was the dinner of the woman in seat 14D. Good times.

Is it Wednesday?

For the thousands (okay, few) of you that were concerned about the status of my thumb, here's a quick update. I got x-rays on Friday to make sure it wasn't broken. They x-rays turned out to be negative, but evidently I have some sprained ligaments in there. So they gave me a splint to protect it, which led to the following exchange:

Me: "So if it's not structural, it's really just a pain tolerance issue, isn't it?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Me: "So I could play rugby on it tomorrow, in theory?"
Doctor: "I wouldn't advise it."

Fast forward 24 hours later and there I am playing in our first preseason game of the year.

Yes, Virginia, I am retarded.

Update: Travel blog to appear late today or early tomorrow.

Thursday Musings

I've got bad news, good news and great news, boys and girls.

The bad news: I think I may have broken my thumb at rugby practice.

The good news: I have plenty of leftover vicodin from the last time I broke something else playing rugby.

I injured my right thumb - which unfortunately is my party hand - so we'll see how that goes. Chopsticks and thumbwresting are out for a while, but I am able to type and dial into mind-numbing conference calls. So at least my employer is happy.

The great news is not that the Dems took back Congress or that Britney Spears finally came to her senses ... even better than that. I am flying to St. Louis next week! Which means one thing -- more travel nightmares for your reading enjoymen. My nightmare is your amusement! So I'll make sure to find a seat next to the 300 pound sasquatch with the irritable bowels and take plenty of notes.

*** EXCLUSIVE - Pastor Ted Haggard Photo***

I dunno, this picture of Pastor Haggard and male prostitute/ masseuse Mike Jones appears perfetly innocent and heterosexual to me. Personally, I think the whole matter was overblown (pun intended).

Video of the Year

Below is a great videoclip from the movie "Jesus Camp" of Pastor Ted Haggard preaching against homosexuality.



Self loathing, they name is Ted Haggard.

$100 In One Breath

Can you name all the Republicans who have been convicted or are currently under criminal investigation in a single breath?



Thanks to VMD for sending ....

Halloween, The Blog

Happy belated Halloween. Given my sweet tooth, it's really convenient that I have a six and a four year old that also happen to have a penchant for candy. So how great is it that the powers that be created Halloween (a/k/a "Beg For Candy Day")?

A quick rundown of the evening's events. Photos to hopefully follow later.

4:20 - I leave work early (shhh!) and change into my handy doctor's costume. This is the same outfit that I wore to the rugby tournament in Missoula, MT and which I actually played rugby in during our last game of the tournament. Suffice it to say, it's seen better days.

4:30 - Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Mr. Incredible and Dr. Strangelove hit the streets in search of candy.

4:35 - I just consumed my first piece of Halloween candy eaten (Tootsie Pop for those of you keeping score at home).

4:42 - First bag of M&Ms is gone. Jesus, I need to slow down but right now I have the willpower of Courtney Love in a pharmacy.

5:16 - We visit one of the neighbors who opens the door half-dressed. "You're five minutes early" she says as she's trying to pull up the top of her costume. Evidently so.

5:25 - The kids are finally getting the hang of it. They're no longer dawdling on the porch, admiring the decorations or taking an inventory of the candy they just received. I think the "more houses = more candy" equation is starting to settle in.

5:32 - Some crabby neighbor says "where's your trick?" While technically accurate, this phrase hasn't been uttered since the Nixon administration. I quickly search for a rock to throw threw her window as her trick.

5:53 - I just polished off the first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of the evening. The over/under is 6. Which is soon followed by ...

5:55 - ... the first Almond Joy of the evening. Goddamn, I have to tape my mouth shut soon.

6:02 - We stop briefly to get some jackets. My back is turned for about 60 seconds when Olivia makes her first wardrobe change of the evening and exits her bedrooms dressed like Snow White. Jesus, that was fast. I don't think Madonna changes clothes that fast at her concerts.

(Editor's note - this was, in fact, her third outfit of the day. Earlier she was dressed as "Arial" in her school's parade. I'm not making this up.)

6:10 - 6:30 - We jump in the car and drive to a different neighborhood to meet up with friends but arrive too late. Oh well, I'm sure we can figure this out on our own.

6:31 - Snow White awakens from her nap.

6:37 - Someone is dressed up as a hobo. Oh wait, that's a homeless person. Never mind.

6:40 - We visit one house where a young woman dressed like a pirate answers the door drinking a glass of wine. Now we're talking. I'm thinking that somewhere there's a trick-or-treating route for adults which involved alcohol and female pirates. I'll have to research that.

6:44 - The kids go up to a house and as the women hands out the plate, my son says loudly "I hate raisins." I am mortified. That being said, raisins are near the bottom of the Halloween Candy Rating Scale:

* Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
* Snickers
* M&Ms
* Twix
* Baby Ruth
* Mounds/Almond Joy
* Herschey's Kisses
* (Insert any other candy I overlooked)
* Raisins
* Loose Candy Corn (seriously, who gives out loose candy these days?)
* Razor Blade Apples

Seriously, raisins are right above bible tracts that people will hand out which warn about the origins and dangers of Halloween. Ack.

6:53 - I actually see someone dressed like a hobo, which is awesome. That costume seemed to die for some reason, but it's great. Enough with the pirates already. More hobos!

7:15 - I gulp down another pack of M&Ms like it's air. Estimated treadmill deficit so far - 41 minutes.

7:30 - What's up with older kids trick-or-treating? I remember doing it when I was like 12, but I swear I just saw someone that had to be 24. Isn't there a cutoff age these days?

7:36 - The kids are getting tired and picky, as one of them politely requests "Do you have any M&Ms?" Jesus Christ, kids, this isn't Walgreens. Time to wrap things up.

7:40 - The evening is over and we head back to the car.

It was actually a really fun time, the weather was good and the kids ended up with a great candy haul. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to explain why those four Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are missing.

Colbert on Limbaugh

I was livid when the Michael J. Fox-Rush Limbaugh story first came out and couldn't find the proper words to convey my disguest (other than "fuck off and die, Rush Limbaugh"). But I think that Stephen Colbert captured it pretty well, though. Make sure to watch until the very end.



Halloween synopsis to follow later on ....

Is it Election Time, Yet?

You may remember the infamous "Willie Horton" political ad which ran during the 1988 Bush-Dukakis presidential race. In 1974, Horton stabbed and killed a man in Massachusetts and was sentenced to life in prison without parole, and was released on some absurd weekend program that allowed inmates to leave. Instead of returning to prison, Horton raped a woman in Maryland in 1987 and was thrown back in jail. Bush used the case to portray Dukakis as being weak on crime. While African American leaders felt the ad linked crime, murder, and rape to being black, I think that the ad actually does a good job of linking those traits to being a Democrat.

Of course, you know the rest of the story. Bush won, which helped blaze a path for his son G.W. to win 2 consecutive elections on way to becoming "The Worst President Ever."TM

The ad sparked racial controversy at the time but in looking at it again, it doesn't look any worse than some of the recent political ads I've seen. Honestly, is the Willie Horton ad any worse than the recent ad ad about Harold Ford, Jr. (D-Tenn), who's made to look like a terrorist-loving, porn addicted, womanizer of white women? It's jaw droppingly bad:



"Dear 8 lb, 6 oz. Baby Jesus ... please don't allow the Democrats to fuck the midterm election up this year. Amen."

Or Perhaps Neon Green?

For those folks with a morbid curiosity, here's a photo of the "sling suit" that I posted last time, which was taken of a man of Eastern European descent and before the use of the Philips bodyshaper. So there you go. More content to follow ...

Does This Costume Make Me Look Fat?

Okay, I'm really torn between the red and blue Halloween costume. I'm thinking of going with the blue one because it's a bit more slimming. Plus I'll finally be able to use my Philips bodygroomer.

Happy Halloween

Today's "Creepy Video of the Day" is brought to you by the Girls' Costume Warehouse in Hackensack, NJ. I think this may be an actual commercial, but the profanity suggests that it's not. Oh well.

My favorites are sexy mustard and sexy Abe Lincoln.

"A Vote For My Opponent Is a Vote For Vietnamese Prostitutes"

Who would support a politician that would rather "spend money on sex than soldiers?"

Uhhh, I would.

Seriously, this is a pretty funny political ad. Even if you don't give a shit about politics, you have to listen until the very end of the clip when his opponent warbles "I'm Paul R. Nelson and I approve of this message." If that doesn't crack you up, then it's not me, it's you.

Gays in the Military

Hilarious clip from The Daily Show about the horrors of gays in the military. From the introduction ("Even though the military has opened their ranks to the old ... delinquent ... and borderline retarded, they had to draw the line somewhere") to the naked G.I. Joe doll, it's a good watch.

Stay the course, GW. We need a straighter military if we're ever to attain freedom for the world. Or whatever blather you spew these days.

Best eBay Item Ever

Yes boys and girls, it's the Mark Foley action doll. The doll comes (no pun intended) with his pants around ankles, a liquor bottle in one hand, and Blackberry for messaging teenage pages in the other hand.

This might be even better than the Paris Hilton doll that the Hello Kitty manufacturer announced that it was producing.

Fantastic.

Duhh, It's "Bodygrooming"

Thanks to some down time at work and the Internet, I learned yesterday that the official term is "bodygrooming" not "manscaping."



My bad. Thanks for the correction, Philips.

There's also a tribute video:

Annoying Person of the Day

And today’s candidates are as follows:

* The person at the coffee store that pushed me aside at the milk/sugar area (BTW, does this area have an official name? The “Additives Station”?) in order to grab two Splenda and one sugar packets …. and then got in line to order his coffee. Like they were going to completely run out of sweetening supplies in the three minutes it took for you to get your venti, half-caf, extra hot, non-fat, no foam latte. What a tool.

* The person wearing the “You Can’t Handle the Raiders” t-shirt. Uhhh, are we talking about the OAKLAND Raiders? Or is there some pee wee football team that you’re bragging about? For those that don’t follow football, the Oakland Raiders are the worst team in the NFL. The are the only team without a win and their prospects for winless season appear bright. Even the San Francisco 49ers beat them, and the Niners are awful. Honestly, if the Raiders win more than 3 games this year, I will paint my face silver and black and pose topless on this blog.

* The person that created jury duty. Yes, I understand our judicial system is predicated upon having a “jury of one’s peers,” but it’s still a pain in the ass. You basically can’t schedule anything for that day because you have no idea if or when you have to report. It’s like being stuck waiting for the cable guy to show up ”10 and 4” and you’re stuck waiting for fear that they will show up during the ten minute period during which you ran to Starbucks to get coffee and run into Asshole #1 today. I personally think it’s finally time that we introduce a professional jury system. You could stock it with law school dropouts, retired folks, and those individuals who have prurient interest in delving into the lives of other people. Meanwhile, important people like me can go to work and, uhhh, work. Wait, strike that idea. I’ll take my semi-vacation day instead.

Manscaping Follow Up

I really should have posted this photo with the prior blog. Sorry about that kiddos. Anyway, it looks like Philips is actively marketing manscaping.

Which makes me wonder if they are also planning on a marketing campaign around the consumption of tofu hot dogs in locker rooms. If so, I know just the two guys who would be perfect for the commercial.

Naked Dude #1: "You know what re-energizes me after a tough workout?"
Naked Dude #2: "What?"
Naked Dude #1: "Standing naked in a locker room eating tofu hot dogs."
Naked Dude #2: "Yeah, you got that right."

Brilliant.

Tuesday Musings

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I've just been lazy. That's all there is to it. But I'm going to do my best to provide content on a more regular basis (tomorrow's jury duty notwithstanding).

Anyway, the highlight of my day was going to the gym, which tells you all you need to know about how my day has gone. And for some reason, I am invariably confronted with weird behavior and/or ridiculous workout "outfits." And the past few weeks have been no different. To wit:

* I am still amazed when I see people work out in their work clothes. I'm no even talking about the guy who happened to wear dress socks or jeans to the gym. I'm talking full on oxford shirt, khakis and dress shoes. On the treadmill ... and on the machines. And you can pretty much guarantee that they went right back to work without showering or changing. Simply awful.

* I am also amazed when I see people walking around the locker room after having emerged from the shower still wearing their workout shorts. Showering while wearing your shorts? Is this middle school gym class or what? Unless you're hung like a Chihuahua, there's no reason to cover up, not to mention the fact that you still have to wash the private parts. You know, by directly applying soap to the area?

* Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to wear workout gloves at the gym. No, leather gardening gloves are not the same as workout gloves.

* What inspires guys to completely shave their arms, legs and chest? I counted 4 people at the gym the other day who were slicker than an election year politician. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a little "manscaping" now and then. Trimming the carpet which is your upper back hair? Fine. But Jesus Christ, this shit is getting out of hand. It's not like you have an upcoming body building contest there, so unless you're part-Sasquatch, there's really no acceptable reason to Nair your entire torso. Ever.

* The last story still haunts me to this day. I had just finished working out on a Friday afternoon at a 24 Hour Fitness gym in San Francisco. As I walked into the locker room to shower and change, I noticed that there was a sweaty man with a think handlebar mustache standing completely naked with his leg on the bench, talking to another man, who was also completely naked. Okay, not that big a deal so long as they don't start going at it while I'm changing right next to them. No, what was troubling was the fact that the mustached man was eating munching a package of uncooked tofu hot dogs. One right after the other. In a locker room. And then, after consuming the entire package, the two of them headed to the showers, presumably to bathe in separate stalls.

Words do not describe how disgusting it is to watch a sweaty naked man eating tofu hot dogs in a dirty locker room. Even thinking of it makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

It's not me, it's them.

I'm Not Just the President, I'm Also a Member

Rosemary: Is that a Member's Only jacket?
Mauricio: Yes.
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Jason Alexandar, "Shallow Hal"


I saw a man on the ferry this morning wearing a very similar jacket to this classic "Members Only" to this one.

And then upon closer inspection, it turned out that he was wearing an imitation Members Only jacket.

Holy shit. I didn't realize that it was an exclusive club. In my mind I imagined leaning over and saying "you know, it pays to be a member," and then I started to giggle.

Yes Viriginia, I am an asshole.

Tom Cruise is Considerate

Tom Cruise has hired a team of babysitters for his fiancee Katie Holmes so she has time to get in shape for their glitzy wedding ceremony. According to website Tmz.com, Cruise is reportedly "very concerned" that Holmes loses the weight she gained while pregnant before their big day, which is set to take place in early November. To ensure Holmes looks perfect when she walks down the aisle, Cruise has joined her on the grueling training sessions - and has drafted an army of babysitters to look after their baby daughter Suri so they can exercise without any interruptions.

Isn't he thoughtful? And by thoughtful, I mean "diminutive control freak."

Fair and Balanced

On his October 3 show, Bill O'Reilly showed video of Republican pedophile Mark Foley with the tagline "Former Congressman Mark Foley (D-FL)."

Oh, and this happened on three separate occasions, during two different segments.

I know what you're thinking and you're right. Yet again, O'Reilly is on the cutting edge. He outed Foley's secret switch from the Republican to Democrat party before Foley even exited alcohol rehab. Who even knew that he was contemplating such a move? Now that's hard hitting, investigative journalism.

Man, I Was Wrong ...

Dear Former Rep. Foley:

I am profoundly sorry. I made certain statements yesterday that were based on news reports that were released by the liberal media. Reports which later turned out to be inaccurate and incomplete.

Look, I can admit when I'm wrong. Like the time I raked that guy when playing rugby. Or like that time when I snuck out of work to see "Dude, Where's My Car?" That was wrong (on multiple levels).

But now after reviewing the excerpts from the actual transcript of the IM conversation that you had with a teenage male page (how are you supposed to know he was only 16??) and the below video dramatization, I can see that it was totally innocent and harmless. I now realize that your instant messages were taken entirely out of context. I was wrong to assume that IMs such as "get a ruler and measure it for me" and "did you spank it this weekend yourself" were entirely misconstrued. Once again, we have all been duped by the liberal media, which has an ongoing vendetta against honest, god-fearing Republicans like yourself.

Alleged pedophile? No way. Hard working Republican that's been the subject of an unfortunate smear campaign? Absolutely.

Mr. Foley, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. Good luck with that whole AA recovery thing.

Sincerely,

David James

"Paging Former Representative Foley ..."

Scumbag, hypocrite and former Rep. Mark Foley (FL-R) has entered an alcoholism treatment center three days after resigning from Congress amid allegations that he sent inappropriate e-mail and instant messages containing sexually suggestive material to teenage pages.

"Painfully, the events that led to my resignation have crystallized recognition of my longstanding significant alcohol and emotional difficulties," Foley wrote. "I strongly believe that I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and related behavioral problems."

In the letter, Foley said he deeply regrets and accepts "full responsibility for the harm that I have caused." He also said that "with the loving support of my family and friends," he made arrangements on Saturday to enter "a renowned in-patient facility to address my disease and related issues."

Foley, a six-term congressman, was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and a prominent backer of legislation to crack down on online predators and criminalize child pornography on the Internet.

What's been entirely lost in this news story is the amazing disovery that Alcoholics Anoymous is a cure for pedophilia. Fantastic news! No more extensive medical treatments and cognitive behavorial therapies - just 12 little steps and you're on your way to a new beginning, free from all urges to prey on underage minors!

And speaking of which, it irritates the shit out of me how all the articles repeatedly refer to the victim(s) as a "teenage male page" or as "teenage pages." Are they or are they not underage minors? I'm confident that they are minors because why would you include the term "teenage" in the description? If they were 18 or 19 years old, you would simply refer to them as "pages" or "male pages."

Assuming so, why not call it what it is? I'm not certain why we would water down the allegations against this worthless piece of shit Foley, even though he did apparently discover the shortcut cure for pedophilia.

God, people really annoy the shit out of me sometimes. And by sometimes, I really mean "frequently."