Presidential Pop Quiz

This shit is funny.

Back to Old Form

So the other day I'm riding our friendly subway system in to work and, for some reason, the BART train is packed. There aren't any seats available, which is fine by me since I don't really relish the thought of some guy's crotch at eye level and 18 inches from my face.

As I phase out while listening to my iPod ("Kenny Loggins - yeah!!"), I notice a woman who appears to be 4 months pregnant get on the crowded train and stand near the seats closest to the doors. I'm standing close enough to the door to also notice that there's a guy in a suit (I'd guess late 40's or so) sitting down in the seats reserved for the elderly/physically challenged (or handicapped or crippled or whatever you call it these days).

So I'm watching and waiting for this guy to offer up his seat as any decent human being should do. You don't want to give up your seat for the person with really bad eyesight but isn't technically blind? Okay, fine. But you can't not give up your seat for a pregnant woman. I mean, come on.

But this worthless piece of shit focuses his eyes on his newspaper, while pretending not to see her protruding stomach that's literally right in his face. I mean, there's no way not to notice.

I'm standing too far away and the BART is way too crowded to move at all, but I just wanted to scream "What in the fuck is wrong with you, you selfish, lazy piece of shit?! Get out of your goddamn seat and let that woman sit down!" I so wanted to pull a page from one of Kate's angry, retaliation fantasies from riding on the work elevator, by yanking this guy out from his seat by his hair and choking him with his own tie.

This happened the other day but it still bothers me to this day. I can just feel my blood pressure rise thinking about it. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is a perfect example of how most people suck.

Rule of the Day

Guys Rule #18: "Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza in your buddy's refrigerator ... but not both, that's just greedy."

Bloody Thursday

Today I did something other than gripe and rant (well, I still did that too). I donated blood. It's a bit odd because it's been over a year since the last time and my friends in Denver know that I used to do it religiously.

Anyway, I'm not saying this to brag or get a pat on the back but rather just to invite everyone who reads this blog (all 9 of you) to please donate blood. It truly saves lives and hospitals are always in need of blood. Plus you get free juice and snacks.

For anyone that lives or works in San Francisco, there's a place to donate donwtown which is really convenient -- www.bloodcenters.org. Thanks.

Barefoot and Pregnant

To confirm yesterday's comments about Britney Spears running around barefoot, I posted this picture (with comments) to corroborate this fact.

In addition to being photographed barefoot in public numerous times -- include the public bathroom pictured to the right -- it was also reported that Britney Spears was rushed to a hospital after stepping on a hypodermic needle.

Even more justification to hire one of those "little people" as her personal sandals valet.

#1

In recent "news of the obvious," it was announced yesterday that Scarlett Johnasson was voted the world's sexiest woman, according to a new poll in men's magazine FHM. Rounding out the Top 10 list were Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Maria Sharpova, Carmen Electra and Teri Hatcher.

I will put aside for a moment how plastic faced/coke nosed Teri Hatcher made the list, unless readers got confused and thought they were voting for the "Top 10 Fugly" list instead.

But rather than quibble over the selections (although Jessica Simpson? Really? Ick), I thought I would post a few tasteful, albeit gratuitous photos, of the soon-to-be Mrs. David James for your perusal:




Uhh, towel please. Thanks.

KFed Likes Tiny Birthday Greetings

Pop star Britney Spears has silenced tabloid rumors she is pregnant with her second child by sipping cocktails in a Las Vegas, Nevada restaurant. The singer was celebrating husband Kevin Federline's 28th birthday on Tuesday night with a decadent dinner at Tao restaurant. Although Spears was seen knocking back Cosmopolitans, she still seemed to have an appetite for two, devouring spare ribs, crispy tuna, pork rolls, lobster tempura and Chilean sea bass, among other Asian delicacies at the hip nightspot. After the main course, Federline's birthday cake was delivered by two female little people who climbed atop a table to sing, "Happy Birthday," according to the New York Daily News. The couple then moved the party to Pure nightclub, where Spears was seen kicking off her shoes and dancing to music by Prince.

I could give a shit whether she's been knocked up again by her wigger husband or if she's simply devouring food because she's trying to become the female version of Orson Wells.

Rather, I am more amused by her choice in entertainment. What would possess her to request that his birthday cake be delivered by "two female little people." What the fuck? Do you really have that much money to burn?

Goddamn he's annoying and patronizing. What's next? A couple of midgets in black face singing Christmas carols? I can just picture his response:

“Yo, man. Peep dis. It’s a couple of lil’ mutherfuckas’ singing and shit. That’s crazy. But you know … that shit would be dope on my next album.”

KFed, I would rather listen to the Lullaby League sing "Happy Birthday" over and over again rather than listen to that crap that you call music. Shit, I’d rather listen to that old women from the ER throw up repeatedly than listen to your CD.

First Amendment Repealed (Again!)

This is a repeat of one of my very first posts, which I believe Kate and perhaps 3 other people might have read. I thought it would repost it because it's a timeless classic, as I am constant witness to these offenses in the gym.

Okay, I'm lazy, too. Fine. There it is.

So here you go ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When it comes to free expression, I am as libertarian as they come. I am a big believer in the First Amendment. I strongly endorse freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and the free exercise of one’s religion (just don’t teach that “intelligent design” crap in public school). So I believe in free expression, I really do.

And this extends to expressing one’s self via clothing and choice of dress. As you could guess, I’m not a big fan of mandatory school dress or clothing conformity. However, my endorsement of the First Amendment extends only to the door of the 24 Hour Fitness where I work out, within which I have seen an amazing array of entirely unacceptable workout attire. To wit:

* Wool caps - you live in Northern California and it’s 70+ degrees outside. Why the hell do you think you need a wool cap in the gym? To keep warm? Try being homeless in Washington DC for a weekend and then see if you really need it.

* Do-rags - I like to think I’m hip, but I honestly don’t understand this fashion trend. Slightly less acceptable than the wool cap.

* Spandex - I can envision certain limited instances where a minimal amount of spandex is acceptable. However, to the women at the 24 Hour Fitness in Oakland who wears the same goddamned spandex outfit (black leggings with fluorescent pink “bathing suit/thong” top) every night -- please, for the love of god. STOP IT! I would rather watch Courtney Love get a pap smear than watch you prance around the gym in that ridiculous outfit, pausing in front of every mirror so you can admire your “double bicep” pose. Enough is enough.

* Baggy Parachute Pants - these went out around the time MC Hammer dropped the “MC” from his name. Please stop.

* Loafers - for the love of god, invest in some form of athletic shoe. There is no justification for doing leg presses in a tasseled loafer. Fucking ridiculous.

* Ninja outfits - this is a new entry and was actually spotted today at the gym. Jaw dropping.

* Work clothes - there is no reason to work out in khakis. Ever.

* Shoes without socks - disgusting. Why don’t you just wear a skunk on your feet instead?

* Headbands - hey Olivia Newton John -- are you really sweating that profusely? Can’t you just bring a towel to mop your sopping brow?

* Jean cutoffs - unless you’re Daisy Duke or an 8-year old on a camping trip, this is never acceptable attire.

I won’t even get started with the appalling mix of music, which included songs by each of the talentless Simpson sisters and, I think, the Pointer Sisters. Would it really cut into the gym’s profit margin to invest in some satellite radio service? Jesus christ…

Saturday's a Rugby Day

However, my rugby team is off this weekend (and I'm nursing a bro..., errr, strained ribcage). As an alternative to posting rugby photos or playing rugby, I've posted the following link to some great rugby hits (sorry for the buffer). I could watch this over and over again.

Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican

Yet another reason to hate the Bush administration.

Greetings From Planet Voltron-12

I've been swamped at work, but felt compelled to post this fantastic photo of Tom Cruise, who is rapidly scaling the list of top celebrity trainwrecks. To wit:

1. Michael Jackson
2. Britney Spears
3. Tom Cruise
4. Courtney Love
5. Paris Hilton

Mariah Carey is my darkhorse candidate to shoot up the list. Let me know if I've missed anyone from the trainwreck list.

Perhaps There is a God After All

In today's "News of the Fantastic," it was reported that Scarlett Johansson has broken up with boyfriend Josh Hartnett. The article doesn't contain much information, but speculates that he was the one that called it quits.

Evidently she was out and about at some Hollywood hot spot with friends and Hartnett was noticeably missing. Like no one ever has ever gone out without their significant other, but whatever. This is sufficient evidence for me.

So assuming this is true (oh please let it be) and if it turns out that he was, in fact, the one that called it off, then I predict that his decision will go straight to the top of the all-time "What the fuck where you thinking?" list. Josh's inexcusable choice may just get people to forget about Shelley Long's horrendous decision to defect from "Cheers."

So she's back on the market boys. May the best man win. And by best man, I mean me. God, I hope Scarlett digs rugby scars.

Make Mine a Double, Please

What did we learn last week, boys and girls? Saturday’s a rugby day … and Sunday is a recovery day. Monday, it turns out, is emergency room day. I got injured and had to leave during the second half of Saturday’s rugby game, as I was unable to jog or lean over without a significant amount of pain. This led someone on the sidelines to comment “You probably broke a rib.”

Given the amount of pain that I continued to feel in my side on Sunday, I thought it would be prudent to either confirm or dispel that expert diagnosis. I'm guessing (and hoping) that it's not broken so that I can finish the season and play in Maggotfest. And no matter what‘s wrong, I need to proceed with the self-medication in any event.

I figured any trip to the ER will take a fair period of time, so i decided to go in the late evening in order to avoid the crowd. Plus, since I was going to a hospital emergency room in Oakland, you knew there would be some good people watching.

One cannot make a multi-hour commitment to visit the ER without some food, but it was getting close to 10:00 p.m. and I didn’t want fast food, so I decided to stop at the grocery store to pick up some dinner, which consisted of beef jerky, a banana and the new Tab power energy drink. I have no idea why I gave in to the nostalgic urge to buy TAB, but based on the taste, I presume that TAB stands for “Truly Awful Beverage.”

I finally arrive around ten o’clock, at which point I observed the following events (and I thought flying was bad):

* 10:00 - The waiting room is packed with people. You would think this was the waiting room with free money or something. I naively estimated this would only take a maximum of two hours. I am sadly mistaken. I’m now hoping that I will get out of there by 1:00, if I'm lucky. And I never am.

* 10:04 - The people watching is great. There’s an older woman talking either French or Hawaiian on the phone with her pants unzipped. The evening is starting out right. A young woman was just brought in on a stretcher and made to sit in a chair until she was admitted. Wow, they don’t play around.

* 10:20 - The waiting room is thick with germs. Twenty minutes in and I can already feel the onset of either tuberculosis or Asian Bird Flu.

*10:30 - Someone is clipping their fucking fingernails. Conversations continue and people act like nothing’s happening. I swear it must be the same person that follows me on planes, BART trains … and she’s finally found me in the ER. I immediately pop on my iPod headphones and crank it up in order to block out the awful sound.

* 10:45 - I am finally registered to be seen by the ER staff. Wow, time flies when you're stuck in Purgatory.

* 10:55 - The woman who arrived on the stretcher is now face down in a bucket and is getting her back rubbed by the French/Hawaiian-speaking woman as she pukes up clear liquid. Guess I'll pass on the beef jerky that I brought to eat. Oh well, at least she's quiet about it (unlike my nail-clipping shadow).

* 11:05 - Another woman just showed up with her own puke pale. Let's see if she can match the pint of bile the other woman just produced. Good luck, honey.

* 11:10 - There seems to be a lot of hugging and praying going on in the ER. It reminds me of a religious holiday like Christmas, but with more coughing and vomiting and less presents.

* 11:13 - The regurgitator just left her seat and walked past me on way to the bathroom. For those of you that wondered what the bucket o' stomach contents smelled like, the answer is "pepperoni pizza and sour milk." For anyone that's grossed out by such discussion, please ignore the prior sentence.

* 11:21 - Oh shit, the vomitor just returned and sat right next to me. Karma is indeed a bitch.

* 11;35 - Yet another woman showed up requiring the assistance of a vomit bucket. It sounds like she's trying to hack up a cat-sized fur ball. Awesome. So now there are 2 people actively vomiting in the ER (the other woman must have quit the challenge). This goes on for at least five solid minutes. What the fuck did these people eat, an ipecac milkshake?

* 11:55 - A homeless person reeking of booze just waltzed in off the street in order to use the ER bathroom. And he seems thrilled to be using it, as opposed to god knows where he normally goes. It's a safe bet that I will soil my own pants before I follow him in there.

* 12:00 - I just reached the 2 hour mark. Sweet Jesus, Paris Hilton could figure out a Rubik's Cube in the time it's taking to get through this place. I can't complain, though, because they just called in some woman who had been waiting for four hours. Good times.

* 12:25 - I cannot bear to read any more of the Star Jones autobiography “My Life as a Beard” that I brought, nor can I listen any more to my iPod. Seriously, how many songs by The Carpenters can a man listen to in one night?

* 12:42 - Uhhh, hello? Is the emergency room still open for business? I think I made a mistake when I neglected to lie and list my pain level at “10” like everyone else that’s being seen before me evidently did. I seriously debate whether I should to start moaning and talking to myself so I can get seen sooner. Quick, where’s one of those handy heave buckets?

* 1:10 am - I finally hit the lottery and am called in. Five minutes later and I'm actually seen by a doctor (holy shit) who orders x-rays and says that I'll be prescribed pain medications, whether or not there’s a fracture. Now we're talking!

* 1:25 - X-rays are completed and I’m eagerly awaiting the doctor's prognosis - codeine or vicodin? Or perhaps it will be percoset? I really should have played up that phantom moaning in the waiting room.

* 1:43 - The verdict is in -- vicodin (“Hello eBay”). Oh, and there are no fractures. I can rest assured now knowing that I am not seriously injured and am, in fact, a pussy.

* 2:05 - Free at last. I’m finally done for the night. Too late to make last call, so I figure I’ll just go home and pass out.

And so it went. All in all, it could have been worse. At least it was only 4 hours and I got some people watching and vicodin out of it. And at least there wasn’t any turbulence.

Patriot Act-opoly

In the latest Monopoly knock-off, "Patriot Act: The Home Version" pokes fun at the historic abuse of governmental powers by the recently renewed anti-terrorism law, according to its creator's website. The object of the game is not to amass the most money or real estate, but to be the last player to retain civil liberties.

Players roll the dice to determine how many civil liberties they start out with, accumulating them from a variety of categories: U.S. citizens get five; non-citizens one. Whites and Asians get five; Arabs one. Ultra right-wingers get six; Democrats three or four.

Other game highlights include:

* Players don't pass "Go." Rather, in a nod to President George W. Bush's prewar comments, the "Go" space has been renamed "Bring It On!" Players also don't go directly to jail. Instead they go to Guantanamo Bay.

* Instead of losing cash for landing on certain squares, they lose civil liberties.

* The Mr. Monopoly character at the center of the board is replaced by a scowling former attorney general John Ashcroft.

* Instead of landing on, say Oriental Avenue, players land on a color-coded spaces corresponding to the national terror alert. A player who lands on a red space loses one civil liberty, as does anyone else within five spaces. A player who lands on an orange space gets to designate another player to lose one civil liberty.

* "Chance" cards are now "Homeland Security Cards," with orders such as, "FBI wants you for questioning; Lose one turn;" and "You provide the local authorities with speculative information on your next door neighbor; Collect one civil liberty from each player."

This game sounds fantastic. I can't wait until I play and I end up being tortured at Guantanamo Bay or subject to unconsitutional spying and/or detention here in the States. Good times.

Natalie Portman is Desperate

Natalie Portman hugged chimpanzee "Sable" backstage yesterday night during the awards ceremony for "ShoWest 2006" held at the Paris Las Vegas Hotel. Portman was named "Female Star of the Year" by ShoWest, the official convention of the National Association of Theatre Owners. Sable starred in the short film "The Reel Monkey", which was honored with the 2006 Coca-Cola Refreshing Filmmaker award.

Better watch out, Natalie --- he'll break your heart. What's the old expression, "Once you go ape, you never go back?" (Or something like that).

I Really Need a Drink Now

ITUSVILLE, Fla. -- Police say three robbers were armed and dangerous, but a 5-foot-1-inch grandmother-to-be was tougher.

Iris Davis, 62, of Cocoa, tackled one of three fleeing robbery suspects after a chase and crash in Canaveral Groves on Wednesday. Davis is a state champion bodybuilder.

The captured robbery suspect was no match for Davis and her muscles. The two-time state champion tackled the man, completely ripping his shirt off.

"This is what gives me confidence," Davis said, flexing her muscles.

Imagine going to the big house and having to tell people that, despite being armed with a weapon, you were somehow taken down by a hermaphrodite bodybuilder with a Dorothy Hamill haircut and bad boob job. How do you put a positive spin on that? That person can pretty much guarantee that they will be someone's prison bitch for a very long time.

Happy St Patrick's Day

As I am posting this around 11:00 a.m. PST, I am still at work an unable to commence my St. Patrick's Day. I am hoping this will change in the very near future.

Political De-Evolution

Undaunted by the utter failure which is the war in Iraq, President Bush reaffirmed his quick-trigger "strike-first" policy against terrorists and enemy nations on Thursday and said Iran may pose the biggest challenge for America.

"When the consequences of an attack with weapons of mass destruction are potentially so devastating, we cannot afford to stand idly by as grave dangers materialize. ... The place of pre-emption in our national security strategy remains the same," Mr. Bush wrote.

Fuck, make up your mind. Is it Iraq with a "q" or Iran with an "n" that you're worried about? Is this your way of subtly breaking the news to us that you fucked up and attacked the wrong nation? If so, I'm glad I don't live in Irak (wherever that is). And are you still using the lame "weapons of mass destruction" line? That is so 2002. At least come up with a new buzz term that we can openly mock.

God, I wonder where Jeb Bush or John McCain fall on this spectrum? I really can't deal with 8 more years of "Koko, the Talking Chimp President."

Latest Sign of the Apocolypse

In a final sign that Hollywood has run out of all creative ideas, it was confirmed recently that two shitty, yesteryear TV shows would soon be turned into feature films.

20th Century Fox's film version of the 80's soap "Dallas" is heating up in the casting stakes reports Variety: John Travolta has an offer to star as J.R. Ewing; Jennifer Lopez has been offered the part of Sue Ellen Ewing; Luke Wilson is negotiating to play Bobby Ewing; and Shirley MacLaine is up for the part of Miss Ellie Ewing.

Not wanting to leave any classic show untouched, it was also reported by Variety that "Welcome Back Kotter" is also being made into a movie, with Ice Cube taking over for Gabe Kaplan in the starring role.

What the hell .... where's the "What's Happening" remake? When are "One Day at a Time" and "Chico and the Man" coming to the big screen?

Why not save the millions in producing what are sure to be shitty films when you can simply relive crappy TV shows by watching their original DVD? Shit, I would rather watch a remake of the rape scene from “Deliverance” or the answering maching scene from “Swingers” -- which are the two most painful scenes in movie history -- than either of these two movies. Watching Paris Hilton shopping or Dick Cheney pleasuring himself to Internet porn for 2 hours would be more enjoyable.

Pat Robertson Doesn't Like Funny Talking Religious People

In his ongoing effort to be more like Jesus, Pat Robertson recently said on The 700 Club that Islam was not a religion of peace and that radical Muslims were "satanic."

Robertson's comments came after he watched a news story about Muslim protests in Europe over the cartoon drawings of the Prophet Muhammad. Robertson sensitively remarked that the outpouring of rage elicited by cartoons "just shows the kind of people we're dealing with. These people are crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with." Robertson then went on to note that "the goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination."

Now re-read the above paragraph substituting "prayer in schools" for "cartoon drawings of the Prophet Muhammad" and "Islam" for "fundamental Christianity," and see if we're not talking about the same thing.

I honestly wonder if this guy is not the unintentionally funniest person of all time. He can't honestly believe this stuff can he?

Pat, may you live a long and healthy life as you continue to share your love, acceptance and charity throughout the world.

And by "live a long and healthy life as you continue to share your love, acceptance and charity throughout the world" I really mean "be repeatedly struck by lightening, you unholy pig."

Amen.

Saturday's A Rugby Day

... and Sunday is the recovery day. Except today is Monday and I still feel like I was in a car accident over the weekend. I wonder if it had anything to do with the big Pacific Islander players that I kept colliding with. Could be - who knows? What I do know is that I am likely past the Tylenol stage on and ready for the combination muscle relaxer/horse tranquilizer pills. Basically, I want whatever it was the sent Rush Limbaugh and Colin Farrell to rehab. Just a smaller does and without the addictive side effects.

More grumblings:

* While clipping and disposing of one's nails on the BART is arguably the most socially inappropriate and reprehensible thing in the world, a close choice for #2 may be eating pistachios and spitting the shells out on to the floor of a semi-crowded BART train. Nice works (and no, I don't make this shit up).

* Almost as disgusting as the nail clipping incident was the guy in my office that brought his cup of coffee into the restroom with him the other day while he did his business. What the fuck is wrong with you? Your office is 40 feet away! Drop off your cup of joe and then go finish your business. There's simply no need to pinch a colon loaf and sip office coffee at the same time. That is just so wrong.

Tupperware Party Time

Looks like the President is about to be on the receiving end of an airtight. Way to swing, GW, but next time at least rent a room.

Frankly My Dear, I Do Give a Damn

"I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'll never understand or forgive myself. And if a bullet gets me, so help me, I'll laugh at myself for being an idiot. There's one thing I do know... and that is that I love you, Scarlett. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we're alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names."

Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind

For my readers (other than Pop Renaissance) who are sick of Scarlett Johansson, I promise that this is the last one of the week:



God, I wish I knew how to quit you.

O, Cum All Yee Faithful (Part 2)

The Clermont Fellowship Church in Florida will host a free porn weekend in order to help raise community awareness about the issues surrounding pornography. Clermont Fellowship Lead Pastor Tom Casolaro says, "It's time the church talks about porn." To assist in the events, the Clermont Fellowship church will bring in Craig Gross, pastor and founder of XXXchurch.com (whatever the fuck that is, I refuse to look it up at work), and former porn star and prostitute Shelly Lubben ("Lubin'"?). Gross and Lubben will tackle the issues surrounding America's porn problem.

Free porn weekend? Where does one sign up? Sure, I'll sit through some boring 30 minute sermon and sing hymns. Of course, I'll substitute words to make the hymns fit the tone of the sermon (e.g., "Shall We Gather at Your Wiener?"). Hell, I'll even kick in a few dollars to the collection plate in the hopes that "tackle the issues surrounding America's porn problem" is really code for "freely distribute porn to everyone in the audience." Of course, it has to be tastefully done. I do have my minimum standards, you know, so please -- no scat or kangaroo videos.

Sad News Of the Day

A lingerie shop in Augusta, Maine has stopped using scantily clad women in its store windows. The store -- Spellbound -- drew protests as well as window shoppers and gawkers when it began using the live models shortly after the shop opened last fall. Among the protesters were a group calling itself Christians Lovingly Advocating Decency (“CLAD” - how witty is that?) protested in front of the store on Valentine's Day weekend.

There is something seriously wrong with those people in Maine.

Lazy Sunday

Not having seen any of the nominated pictures for the major Oscar categories, it seemed kind of silly for me to spend 3+ hours of my life rooting for movies I've never even seen. Yes, Jon Stewart was hosting, so you knew there would be funny snippets during the show. But figured that anything worthwhile would be immediately available on the Internet for later viewing (which they are). Plus, I figured everyone and their mother would cover it anyway.

I did happen to tune in to the Will Ferrell and Steve Carell piece, which was pretty funny. And I did make notice of Salma Hayek's, uhhh, outfit. Did anyone see the peek-a-boo strap and gathered bodice on her blue Versace gown? Holy shit! Here it is again:



Wow.

Other than that, I also saw what was obviously an inebriated Jack Nicholson slur the winner of the best picture award. Nice work, Jack.

What I didn't see was Scarlett Johansson. I didn't watch the red carpet arrivals, so don't know if attended the Academy Awards and have been unable to locate a picture of her there. So as a public service, I managed to locate one of her from a prior awards show, which I will pretend is from last night:

Reason #482 Why I Love People

I would like to dedicate this picture to certain of my fellow commuters on the BART. Specifically, this goes out to the following:

* To the chick who clipped her nails on the crowded train this morning and did NOT pick up her clippings. I cannot tell you how disgusting that is. I would save a drowning Paris Hilton before you. Mmmm, okay. I take that back. But I would make you drink a gallon of sea water before whisking you in the boat, you inconsiderate twat.

* To the Dick Cheney look-alike that I sat next to yesterday that inhaled peanut butter M&Ms. It's bad enough that you look like that fuckwit Chaney, but must I really have to endure your potent choco-peanut butter candy experience? I honestly would rather endure second hand cigar smoke than that, it was that awful.

* To the woman who painted her nails on the train last week. See entries # 1 and 2 above, mash them together and that's you. I honestly don't know if your entirely obtuse or merely self-possessed. In either event, I only hope the fumes cause you further brain damage.

Hopefully I'll be able to channel some of this anger during my rugby match tomorrow. Either that or I'm likely to start a Fight Club on a morning BART train soon.

Welcome To Friday

If I were a cat, I would totally own one of these things. It's chilly here today in SF.

Where's Madeleine Albright When You Need Her?

In an effort to humanize her public persona, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will appear in a three-part TV interview to show off her fitness regime, during which she rides a bike, works on her abs, pumps iron and talks about her weight.

Good god, have we totally run out news? Unless she's doing something extraordinary -- like running an ultra marathon or dunking a basketball with two hands -- why would anyone network person even think that anyone gives a shirt about her workout routine? How about some follow-up coverage on Scooter Libby, Tom Delay, Dick Cheney, Duke Cunningham, Bill Frist, and the other right-wing fuckwits that are running roughshod this country? Why waste our time with worthless pap like this?

Even worse, there are photos and video tape of her working out. Oymygod, the image of her working out in spandex and tight shirt is enough to make a man insane. I can't look ...

Arrrghh, I'm blinded!!

Must ... get ... more ... Scarlett ...


Ahhh, much better.

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

In order to help restore everyone's eyesight after having viewed previous pictures of Barry Bonds in drag and the 62-year old mother/hag, below is your gratuitous Scarlett Johannson picture of the day: