Donotella Vercameltoe

I don't know what scares me more -- her plastic surgery ridden face or her Level 6 cameltoe? I'm opting for the latter. And by "opting for" I mean "trying to avoid my gag reflex regarding."

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I’ve been at Disneyland for the past several days have been meaning to post, but I’ve been too busy and wiped out to post. I will say that people watching at Disneyland is almost as much fun as the park itself. There is no way to capture

Number of days spent in Anaheim - 3.75 days (Sunday night through Wednesday night)
Number of combined hours at the park - approximately 40.
Number of combined hours of sleep - approximately 25.
Number of calories consumed over the 3+ days - approximately 23,000.
Number of crying kids - 1,008.
Number of hot guys with ugly wives - 2.
Number of ugly guys with hot wives - easily over 100. (Someone help me understand this phenomenon)
Number of children presumably conceived after being slipped a roofie - see answer immediately preceding above.
Number of celebrities spotted - 2 (Seal and Heidi Klum)
Number of obvious strippers spotted - 2.
Number of guys clearly on steroids spotted - lost count.
Number of frosted mullets spotted - 1 (this mullet spotting is in the running for highlight of the trip).
Number of fake boobs spotted - uhh, I didn’t notice.
Number of time I rode on Pirates of the Caribbean - 3.
Number of times we rode “Autopia” (i.e., the go-cart attraction where kids get to actually drive the car) - 7.
Total number of churros consumed by the family - 6.
Total number of tacos consumed by me - also 6.
Most money spent on a single serving of plain coffee - $5 (includes commemorative plastic mug!).
Cost to rent an “electronic convenience vehicle” (i.e., driving device which helps the immobile get around the park) - $55.
Number of people spotted riding said “electronic convenience vehicle” - 50 (conservative estimate).
Number of annoying/harassing/demeaning email I got from my boss on Monday - I stopped counting at 12.
Number of my boss’ annoying/harassing/demeaning email to which I responded - 0.
Number of smile and happy memories - infinity*.

* Note: my editor made me insert that last item, insisting that there’s no way this blog goes IPO if I don’t clean it up and stop using terms such as “fuckwit” and “assmunch.”

Other random thoughts and observations ….

* While on the 4th or 5th go-cart ride, I noticed that the person in the car next t me was a middle-aged adult. Without a child with them. As in, he was driving the go-cart by himself. I was like “What the fuck are you doing? Do you not get enough time behind the wheel of an actual car as it is?” Jesus Christ, what is wrong with people?

* Visual highlight of the trip -- is it: (a) the hot woman in the tight t-shirt who just got drenched on the Splash Mountain ride, or (b) the middle-aged woman driving her electronic assistance vehicle wildly who crashed into a curb and almost lurched over the handlebars? I gotta go with the latter. That shit was fucking hi-larious. Top notch stuff.

* Flying on Thanksgiving is awesome. I flew out on Thursday around noon and it was fantastic. There are no lines, people are laid back and nice, and it is acceptable to drink early because it’s a holiday. Plus, flying out of Orange County/Santa Ana Airport is awesome.

(Side note: I refuse to call OC/SA Airport by its current name, “John Wayne Airport.” Similarly, I refuse to call “National Airport” in D.C. by its current name, “Ronald Reagan.” Fucking annoying.).

It Just Keeps Getting Better

I'm back from STL, having survived one of the more difficult trips to be on. Quick highlights - sitting right behind my boss on a broken down bus with exposed wiring and spewing diesel into the seating compartment .... a 14 hour work da ..., uhh, retreat day on Monday ... inedible food ... fun team building events such as a scavenger hunt, where the prize was a granola bar and a Snickers (seriously). God, I don't ever want to go back.

I'm back home but am now dealing with my boss leaving my insane voicemail messages which merely consist of a series of names:

Boss: "David, [insert his first and last name]."

That's it, he says my first name and then his full name (like my skin doesn't automatically crawl when I hear his voice). No greeting, no subject matter, no "please call me back." Just "David, [first and last name]." Fucking annoying.

Pass the Strychnine Please

Stop me if you heard this intro before, but I’m headed back to Missouri once again. On an airplane. For work. Which means, of course, more amusing stories for you the faithful reader.

Let’s see, how long has it been since my last trip to my favorite Red State? Oh wait, it’s only been 15 days. Awesome. Last time it was 2 non-stop days of corporate blather about “strategic direction,” “company execution” and “leadership commitment.” And yes, it was as bad as it sounds.

With that as a recent comparison point, I am dead serious when I say that I would *far prefer* to attend those meetings that my department’s team-building retreat. With my insane boss. I have been dreading these next couple of days for the last few months. I kept praying to the 8 lb. 6 oz., golden swaddling baby Jesus that this trip would be cancelled, but to no avail.

Honestly, I would rather perform my own colonoscopy with a rusty garden hose than attend this retreat. We’re basically going to “retreat” (i.e., work) for a little over 24 hours, which is fucking retarded. Monday will be a 14 hour day, were we get on a bus which will carry us 3 hours to the Ozark’s, which is basically in the middle of nowhere (think “Deliverance,” minus a pre-toupee Burt Reynolds).

Once we arrive, we move right into a series of non-stop presentations and working meals, culminating in some sort of “team building” exercise from 8:00-9:30 p.m. That should be a treat. Nothing’s more fun than having “trust falls” and playing “corporate madlib” games at 9:00 at night. Oh wait, I forgot that we are entitled to a 30 minute happy hour from 6:30-7:00. Although that technically makes it “Happy Half Hour.” I wonder how many drinks I can gulp down in 30 minutes. I’m putting the over/under at 5. Oh well, it should make the team building exercise far more palatable.

Dear Diary

In case I hadn't mentioned it (and senility is seriously starting to creep in these days), I've been working from home for about six months now ever since my company closed our San Francisco satellite office. At first I didn't like it -- it was isolating, I found myself snacking non-stop, and missed working in The City. After a while, I was indifferent ("It's better than driving an hour-and-a-half to Santa Clara each day."), but now I've really come to embrace it. I can sleep in late, run errands, etc. so long as I get my work done. Daily grooming? Ahh, who's keeping track?

I've had a number of folks ask me what a typical day is like. So I decided to keep track of how I spend a somewhat-typical work day:

6:30 - Open eyes, quickly check email on my Blackberry. If there are no more than 5 urgent email messages, I either go back to sleep or perhaps head to the gym. Guess which option gets selected more often?

7:15 - Consume first dose of caffeine of the day. Fret about the day that I run out of coffee and actually have to leave the house in order to buy some more.

8:58 - Awake from sleep / return from gym. Officially start my work day by responding to urgent email.

9:05 - Get bored with work, start surfing celebrity gossip and other odd stories on the Internet.

9:18 - Remember that I totally forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

9:30 - Remember that I forgot to eat breakfast, cook up some sort of grilled cheese item of some sort. This will not be the last one of the day. I immediately regret not going to the gym.

9:45 - Eye remainder of Halloween candy. Pledge that I will not eat 5 pieces of candy again today. Be strong, David. Be strong.

9:50 - Walk 50 feet and head back to work. Time to start slaving for the man.

10:15 - Tired of slaving for the man, I elect to try to beat my best score at Wii bowling.

10:35 - Phone rings, my first contact with a human being. Hooray!

10:36 - Note that the caller is my crazy boss, let it roll to voicemail and head back to the Wii.

10:45 - Remember that I still haven't brushed my teeth. Contemplate whether there's any fluoride in coffee. Probably not, so I guess I'll do it the old fashioned way.

11:00 - Begin planning my lunch. And by "planning" I mean consuming. Man, that grilled cheese sandwich was tasty.

11:04 - Shit, I'm late for my conference call. God this job is really getting in the way of my daily productivity.

11:45 - Call is over and my official lunch break begins. Estimate that I will need to play the Wii for 60 minutes straight in order to burn off my first lunch. Immediately commence with lunchtime exercise of Wii boxing and baseball.

12:25 - Note that my shoulder is starting to hurt from too much Wii. Is it possible to get Wii tennis elbow? How is it that I play rugby but get injured while Wii bowling? Pathetic.

12:50 - Remember that I forgot to shower and shave today. Shrug shoulders as I realize that I'm headed to rugby practice tonight any way, so why bother.

1:20 - Consume my umpteenth caffeinated beverage of the day. Google "how much caffeine does it take to kill me" to inquire as to how close I am to death. Two more cups of coffee should do it.

1:50- Inhale another piece of Halloween candy after finishing up a conference call. Discover that I am running desperately low on Reese's peanut butter cups. Would 911 respond to me desperate cry for help?

2:15 - Just finished up a delightful call with my boss. As I sit here contemplating who I tortured in a past life to have this work karma, I think to my self "fuck it" and decide to drink those last 2 cups of coffee in order to kill myself. Goodbye cruel world.

2:20 - Notice I'm still alive. Guessing that I miscalculated the lethal dosage of caffeine, I return to work. But first, one more Snickers.

3:00-5:00 - This is my prime work time. Most of the people I work with are in the Midwest and East Coast and they pretty much leave me alone during this time period. Most of the day leading up to this is a flurry of urgent email, conference calls and other fires that I basically put out all day (huh huh, he said "put out").

5:02 - Promise myself to be more productive tomorrow.

And with that, the evening whistle blows and I am pretty much done with my work day. Time to get the mail, eat yet again, and pick up my tuxedo for my friend R's wedding this Saturday. Good times.


[ Editor's note: This running diary is a literary work and should not be taken literally. David James is a very hard working and conscientious employee and devotes 100% of his time, energy and heart in to his job on a 24x7 basis. Seriously, don't fire me.]

Is It Monday Already?

There was a point in time when I would have paid big money to buy one of these Star Wars-inspired t-shirts from Urban Outfitters. That time, however, would have been about 25 years ago and before t-shirts cost $30.

You've made enough money in your lifetime, George Lucas. Time to give it a rest and stop raping the franchise for more money. Why not just move on to another crappy project and start beating that like a dead horse? Oh wait, that's right. I forgot that Indiana Jones 4 (featuring a 60-year old Harrison Ford) will be coming out soon. Sweet jesus, when will it all end?