Hey, This Blogging Thing Is Fun!

January 20, 2009. Only 200 more days left to go. I knew this guy was a moron long ago when asked during a televised Reublican debate as to which political philosopher or thinker he most identified with and why, Bush responded, "Christ, because he changed my heart." That's when I knew we would be in for some trouble. But good god, I'm not sure anyone could have predicted how awful the next 8 years would be.

Speaking of God and predictions (hey look -- a segue!), I have to revisit an earlier post where Pat Robertson boldly predicted that would be a recession in 2008. Bold prediction there, Pat. But to his prophetic credit, Robertson suggested that Americans would be paying much more for gas at the pump and that oil would reach $150 a barrel.

Don't get me wrong, I will be the first person to call bullshit on a dubious Pat Roberston claim. But here we are barely halfway through the calendar year and this prediction looks like a mortal lock. The price for a barrel of oil has hit $144 and the average gas price nationwide is around $4.10 per gallon. Nine months ago, gas prices in California were less than $3 per gallon. Now gas is $4.60 per gallon and it's more likely that I will sooner see unicorns running in the streets than the return of $3 gas.

You know, next time we concoct some made up reason to invade another country, perhaps we should choose one with an endless supply of oil. Like "Petrolia" or "Oilrabia." That would make more sense.

Ash-tastic Wednesday

So today starts the first day of Lent. By now you know I'm not overly religious (unless by "overly religious," you mean "crazy atheistic"). But I did go to Catholic school for four years and am aware that there are 40 days of Lent follow Fat Tuesday. Now I've heard stories of what my devout (and not so devout) Catholic friends have given up for Lent - alcohol, sugar, etc.

And while I'm not overly Catholic (see above definition), I am pretty strong-willed and believe I could give up almost anything for 40 days. However, my inspiration for such would be in the form of a wager -- not some sort of divine penance.

Alcohol? Television? Junk food? Not a problem.

But despite my braggadocio, there are definitely a few things that I wouldn't be able to give up for 40 days:

1) Caffeine. I've tried it a couple of times and the closest I've been able to get is to give up coffee but not sodas (or vice versa). The first time I tried it I was moving in slow motion, like I was swimming in a sea of honey, and my head felt like it was full of wool. I would sooner give up breathing for 40 days than give up caffeine cold turkey.

2) YouTube. I'm not going to lie, my work productivity would probably be markedly improved if I had no access to YouTube. But then I would have less filler for this blog and I wouldn't be able to post great finds such as this:



3) Meat and Dairy. So I was working out at my insane gym the other night when I spotted a guy with a long ponytail wearing a white t-shirt with a hand-drawn message "Eat Vegan: Ask Me Why?." He was also sporting a "Meat is Murder" button which I found ironic since he was wearing leather shoes. Putting aside his tool-like hypocrisy, I asked myself the question "Could I give up all meat and dairy for thirty days?" and the answer was a resounding "no fucking way." Seriously, 96% of my diet probably falls within the broad category of meat and dairy. What's let? Legumes and tofu? Hmmm, I wonder what the best way is to prepare barley?

4) Britney Spears. Look, it's not like I want to learn anything more about America's favorite celebrity trainwreck, it's simply that you can't surf the Internet without seeing reading about her. Seriously, I dare folks to try. So unless I'm going to give up the Internet for 40 days, this one is simply unavoidable.

Let me know what's on your "oh hell no" list.

So Real Quick ...

This just in, David James' Second Christmas was canceled when he received an email early Tuesday morning indicating that his boss' planned trip to Europe had been canceled. It's not quite as depressing at the Scarlett Johansson engagement rumors, but it's a nice kick in the crotch nonetheless.

Other bits and pieces from the Three Dot BlogTM ...

* I'm not sure I can add anything to what's already been written about the sad passing of Heath Ledger. However, I did notice that our friends at the Westboro Baptist Chruch (which is famous for protesting the funerals of AIDS victims and American military) has spoken out on his passing and it's as respectful and as sentimental as you would have thought:


I *really* wish there was a heaven and hell as these right-wing, WBC fuckwits believe, simply because then I could rest easy knowing that they would spend the rest of eternity with the likes of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Paris Hilton.

* Star magazine announced that Jamie Lynn spears will hand over her baby to her trainwreck mom Lynne to care for as soon as it is born so she can concentrate on her career. Lynne will then raise the child at the family’s home in rural Kentwood, Louisiana, away from Hollywood.

An insider told US magazine Star: "After several weeks of personal soul searching and talks and discussions with her mum Jamie Lynn reluctantly agreed that giving up the baby is the right thing to do. Lynne says Jamie doesn't understand the life long consequences of having a baby. She still wants her daughter to be able to be a teenager, go to parties, hang out with friends and have a career. So she’ll take the front seat of caring for the baby and take the pressure off her daughter."

So what's Lynne's first logical step as a soon-to-be parent? Start preparing the baby's nursery? Stock up on diapers and wipes? Start screening nannies?

Nope. According to the source, Lynne has agreed to have Jamie Lynn photographed with the baby as soon as it is born, sell the pictures and then take over raising her own grandchild.

How lovely. She has somehow figured out a way to financially exploit yet another member of the Spears family. You have to admire the parenting chutzpah. Well done Lynne Spears, well done. Enjoy your time in hell with those nice WBC folks.

No Blog For Old Men

The New York Daily News is reporting that Will Smith is now officially insane and has been actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

The article states:

"Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that Scientology can fix right up for you.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

I'll put aside for a moment what a cheap fucker Will Smith is for giving out free personality testing sessions. It's like giving out AOL CDs as a gift. But I'm more amused by the concept that Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism have 98% in common with Scientology. Okay, people shouln't steal, kill or lie ... love your fellow man ... Okay, that's all pretty basic. But it's that 2% of Scientology craziness about spaceships and galactic souls that doesn't quite jibe with traditional religions.

Now it had been a while since David James' last bible study, so I whipped out the good book and tried to find the "OT level III book" of the Old Testament. Lo and behold, there is is in the book of Xenu, just as plain as day:

Xenu 1:1. "And 75 million years ago, God introduced Zenu as alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. And the Lord said 'Xenu bring billions of people to Earth in spacecrafts, stack them around volcanoes and blow them up with hydrogen bombs.' And Xenu did as the Lord requested and their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living as they continue to do this day. And the prophet L. Ron Hubbard shall call these clustered spirits "Body Thetans" and the Lord instructed his advanced-level Scientologist believers to place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

And then the Lord rested on the seventh day (i.e., the "Xenu Sabbath"), because he was tired of listening to this bullshit.

Pat Robertson Still Can't Prophesize For Shit

Exactly one year ago today, I posted an entry which analyzed Pat Robertson's amazing prophetic abilities. To quickly summarize that post, Robertson got about a D- score for his ability (or, rather, his inabilty) to correctly predict major world events. Despite the fact that God is giving him the answers. How lame is that?

But in that post, I noted that Pat made some bold predictions for 2007. Perhaps it's time that we revisit his predictions and, if applicable, adjust his grade to more accurately and fully reflect his more recent predictions. Hell, if my Tax professor was willing to give me the opportunity to earn extra credit in order to receive a better grade (despite my total incompetence), then perhaps I should be big enough to similarly give Pat a second change (despite his total incompetence).

So let's just check out how he did in 2007.

Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. Pat (I love how I'm on a first name basis with this guy) also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by "very serious terrorist attacks" causing "possibly millions" of deaths.

Hold on, let me do a quick search of the past year's news for the terms "million+deaths+catastrophe+united+states+2007."

Results - zero. Hmm, it would appear at first blush that Robertson would receive an F- for this poor piece of forecasting. Ahh, not so quick -- Pat has an answer:

"All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us," Robertson said on The 700 Club. "So did I miss it? Possibly," he said of his unrealized prediction. [ Editor's note: he fucking absolutely he missed it.] "Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn't happen, so I think we can all rejoice."

Oh okay, let's make up a wild ass guess and, when you turn out to be a turd/liar/asshole, simply blame it on God and say "I might have fucked up, but only God knows. Thank goodness he didn't extinguish the nation en masse as he otherwise planned to do. You know, to show us how much he loves us."

God you're an asshole.

But despite his total lameness, I'm willing to cut Pat some slack and give hime one more year to redeem himself. And with that, here are his 2008 predictions:

First, Robertson predicts that there will be a recession in 2008. Second, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil. Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel - the price hit $100 on Wednesday - with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008. Lastly, he predicts that there will be a major stock market upheaval are on their way for the United States. "I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical scam artist.

Now we obviously won't know the accuracy of these predictions/wild ass guesses until next year, so we can't pass judgment yet. But let's at least examine the boldness and quality of these predictions. Because the "there will be a potentially nuclear terrorist attack that might kill millions of Americans" is a pretty ballsy prediction and pretty hard to top in 2008.

First, he said "there will be a recession in 2008." I'm going to have assign this the "well no shit" label. Some experts would argue we've already started it. Thanks again GW for the $33 trillion impact you've had on the debt. So I won't even count that worthless guess because it's fucking obvious. It's like predicting that Paris Hilton will be act like a dumb whore or that ice melts when its warm.

Second, he says that oil is going to hit $150 a barrel. You know, this isn't as crazy or bold a prediction as it may appear. A 50% increase in a single year is pretty hefty, but the combination of the weak dollar and rising oil prices might make this one attainable. All told, it's a semi-bold prediction, mostly because you can measure whether it will happen.

Lastly, he indicated that there would be a major stock market crash, perhaps in 2009 or 2010. Without more specifics, this is a pretty worthless prediction because: (a) we don't know what a "major crash" means (10% drop in a day? 20 correction over a period of a week? It's not like the financial markets were a dream in 2007); and (b) he doesn't specify which market would crash. He could be talking about the Latvia stock exchange, for all we know. But perhaps God doesn't give away what would be insider trading tips. God, I respect Robertson for not giving away God's stock tips.

But wait, there's more. My favorite non-prediction occurred on Wednesday when Robertson implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November. "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said.

Now this is just getting silly, Pat. This isn't a prediction -- it's "he said, God said" gossip which we have no way of corroborating. Jesus Christ, narrow it down a little bit (e.g., "The next president will be a woman / colored man / right-wing flaming freak like me."). Seriously, I want to give you the extra credit on this one but you got to work with me here, Pat. Can you at least say if the winner will be chosen before or after the major stock market crash? Also, can you provide an 1-2 year forecast on Google stock? I need to move some money around in my 401(k) and this little bit of information might be helpful. Thanks a bunch.

XOXOXO,
David James

Hello Crazytown

I know it goes without saying, but Ann Coulter is bat-shit crazy. Check out this recent article she wrote about the Jerry Falwell. I can't bring myself to post a picture of her, but her sage words should be sufficient:


"Jerry Falwell -- Say Hello to Ronald Reagan!"
by Ann Coulter

No man in the last century better illustrated Jesus' warning that "All men will hate you because of me" than the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who left this world on Tuesday. Separately, no man better illustrates my warning that it doesn't pay to be nice to liberals.

Falwell was a perfected Christian. He exuded Christian love for all men, hating sin while loving sinners. This is as opposed to liberals, who just love sinners. Like Christ ministering to prostitutes, Falwell regularly left the safe confines of his church to show up in such benighted venues as CNN.

He was such a good Christian that back when we used to be on TV together during Clinton's impeachment, I sometimes wanted to say to him, "Step aside, reverend -- let the mean girl handle this one." (Why, that guy probably prayed for Clinton!)

For putting Christ above everything -- even the opportunity to make a humiliating joke about Clinton -- Falwell is known as "controversial." Nothing is ever as "controversial" as yammering about Scripture as if, you know, it's the word of God or something.

From the news coverage of Falwell's death, I began to suspect his first name was "Whether You Agree With Him or Not."

Even Falwell's fans, such as evangelist Billy Graham and former President Bush, kept throwing in the "We didn't always agree" disclaimer. Did Betty Friedan or Molly Ivins get this many "I didn't always agree with" qualifiers on their deaths? And when I die, if you didn't always agree with me, would you mind keeping it to yourself?

Let me be the first to say: I ALWAYS agreed with the Rev. Falwell.

Actually, there was one small item I think Falwell got wrong regarding his statement after 9/11 that "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians -- who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle -- the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

First of all, I disagreed with that statement because Falwell neglected to specifically include Teddy Kennedy and "the Reverend" Barry Lynn.

Second, Falwell later stressed that he blamed the terrorists most of all, but I think that clarification was unnecessary. The necessary clarification was to note that God was at least protecting America enough not to allow the terrorists to strike when a Democrat was in the White House.

(If you still think it isn't Christ whom liberals hate, remember: They hate Falwell even more than they hate me.)

I note that in Falwell's list of Americans he blamed for ejecting God from public life, only the gays got a qualifier. Falwell referred to gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle.

No Christian minister is going to preach that homosexuality is godly behavior, but Falwell didn't add any limiting qualifications to his condemnation of feminists, the ACLU or People for the American Way.

There have always been gay people -- even in the prelapsarian '50s that Jerry Falwell and I would like to return to, when God protected America from everything but ourselves.

What Falwell was referring to are the gay activists -- the ones who spit the Eucharist on the floor at St. Patrick's Cathedral, blamed Reagan for AIDS, and keep trying to teach small schoolchildren about "fisting."

Also the ones who promote the gay lifestyle in a children's cartoon.

Beginning in early 1998, the news was bristling with stories about a children's cartoon PBS was importing from Britain that featured a gay cartoon character, Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie with a male voice and a red handbag.

People magazine gleefully reported that Teletubbies was "aimed at Telebabies as young as one year. But teenage club kids love the products' kitsch value, and gay men have made the purse-toting Tinky Winky a camp icon."

In the Nexis archives for 1998 alone, there are dozens and dozens of mentions of Tinky Winky being gay -- in periodicals such as Newsweek, The Toronto Star, The Washington Post (twice!), The New York Times and Time magazine (also twice).

In its Jan. 8, 1999, issue, USA Today accused The Washington Post of "outing" Tinky Winky, with a "recent Washington Post In/Out list putting T.W. opposite Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche, essentially 'outing' the kids' show character."

Michael Musto of The Village Voice boasted that Tinky Winky was "out and proud," noting that it was "a great message to kids -- not only that it's OK to be gay, but the importance of being well accessorized."

All this appeared before Falwell made his first mention of Tinky Winky.

After one year of the mainstream media laughing at having put one over on stupid bourgeois Americans by promoting a gay cartoon character in a TV show for children, when Falwell criticized the cartoon in February 1999, that same mainstream media howled with derision that Falwell thought a cartoon character could be gay.

Teletubbies producers immediately denounced the suggestion that Tinky Winky was gay -- though they admitted that he was once briefly engaged to Liza Minnelli. That's what you get, reverend, for believing what you read in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Time magazine and Newsweek. Of course, Falwell also thought the show "Queer as Folk" was gay, so obviously the man had no credibility.

Despite venomous attacks and overwhelming pressure to adopt the fashionable beliefs of cafe society, Falwell never wavered an inch in acknowledging Jesus before men. Luckily, Jesus' full sentence, quoted at the beginning of this column is: "All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

Jerry Falwell Bites the Big One

Jerry Falwell, the well-known fundamentalist Baptist minister and founder of a "college" (Liberty University) went to meet his imaginary divine maker at the age 74. By the looks of this photo, I'm guessing it was health related.

Although not bat-shit crazy like Pat Robertson or Fred Phelps, Falwell did have a few great controversial quotes (source Wikipedia):

* After the September 11, 2001 attacks, Falwell said on the 700 Club "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

* As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals." Falwell's ghostwriter, Mel White, said Falwell remarked about gay protesters, "Thank God for these gay demonstrators. If I didn't have them, I'd have to invent them. They give me all the publicity I need."

* During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said alleged to have said this about MLK, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King."

* Falwell has also said "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

* Regarding public schools, "I hope to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we don't have public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

* Falwell often attributed political affiliation to the divine, claiming that God "is a Republican" and Jesus "was the First American."

His greatest contribution to Christianizing society came in February 1999, when an article in Falwell's "National Liberty Journal" suggested that that closeted Teletubbies character, Tinky Winky, was a hidden homosexual symbol. The article deduced this because the character was purple (which of course is symbolic color of homosexuality), had an inverted triangle on his head and carried a handbag.

Goodbye Jerry, we will miss your insightful and sensitive comments regarding politics, society and sexual orientation. We will surely miss you. And by "surely" I really mean "not."

The Prophesy of Pat Roberts

Our good buddy Pat Robertson is back to his forecasting ways.

On Tuesday, Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear (Ed. note: I'm certain he pronounced it "nuke-u-ler"). The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Holy shit, this guy talks to God so his track record has to be better than mine in my weekly "NFL Pick 'Em Pool." Hmmm, let's take a look at his ..., uhhh, I mean God's track record and let's assign a letter score to his prognostication ability.

* In January 2004, the broadcaster predicted that President Bush would easily win re-election.

Grade: C+. He was correct, Bush did win re-election and, unlike 2000, Bush actually won 51% of the vote, narrowly beating Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass). However, you would think that with God whispering in your ear, you could get a lot more specific than that. Predicting Bush would win re-election would have been like predicting that "tails will prevail" in a coin flip. Big deal.

* In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts. It's like predicting that a large star called "the sun" will magically rise in the East and set in the West -- each and every day of the year. Again, BFD.

Grade: C-. The Republican-led Senate did confirm Bush's 2005 nominations of right-wing fuckwits John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, but Bush's inane Social Security initiative stalled and eventually died. And again, it doesn't take fucking Kreskin to predict that a conservative freak president will nominate conservative freak judges to higher courts.

* In January 2006, Robertson suggested that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Grade: Incomplete/No Grade Assigned. This isn't even a prediction. So why did I include it? Simply to demonstrate what an asshole Pat Robertson is.

* In May 2006, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.

Grade: F. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Well no shit, asshole. Hitting less than 50% of your predictions does not smack of God-inspired prophesy. If Robertson could have predicted the precise day that we lost the 3,000th solider in the Iraq civil war, that would have been compelling. Fuck, even predicting a St. Louis Cardinals vs. Detroit Tiger World Series match-up during spring training would have been impressive enough.

Jesus Christ, Pat, please quit while you're ahead before you ruin your credibility and make a mockery of your God-inspired leg pressing claims, too.