Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I would have posted before but I've had a few problems with the site recently, which I only just fixed this morning. But I did want to commemorate Jesus Day (a/k/a Christmas) with the following stories.

The first one is about a Christian pastor who was sponsoring a "Mr. Heterosexual" contest, where contestants will tear Oprah magazines, play "Name that Potato Chip" blindfolded, discuss the best use of duct tape and display a talent. I'm sure the talent will be something special like farting "Shall We Gather at the River" or belching the Ten Commandments.

The event will also feature an appearance by a man who once lived the "homosexual lifestyle," but has been freed through Jesus Christ. Oh goody. Because nothing really expresses the love and compassion of Jesus more than displaying a gay man as some sort of circus freak show alongside some awful Mr. Heterosexual contest. Fantastic.

The second Christ-tastic story comes via a new Christian video game that allows players to smite their opponents, as long as they have enough faith. The action/adventure game is built on the premise that one can do all things through Christ who gives one strength. Including, apparently, the ability to shoot lightening in order to kill..., err, smite your foes.

And if a player's faith gets too low, then they can pick up one of the many scrolls conveniently scattered throughout the game in order to renew their faith and continue their journey. Which is an odd contradiction since I always thought of faith as a steadfast belief in something you couldn't necessarily prove or see. Kind of like having the faith in finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

You can almost hear the baby Jesus crying.

Are We Done Yet?

Given my intermittent posting schedule, I thought it would be best to wish everyone a Merry Christmas now while I sort of have my shit together (not to mention a nice lull in work). So, I hope everyone has a great and relaxing holiday.

Yes, 2005 has been -- despite what W. said -- a less than fantastic year, but it could be worse. You could have been the unfortunate Egyptian man that discovered on his wedding day that his fiancée of 3 years was a man who had been concealing his identity behind a veil. The fiancee was quoted as saying that he had intended to tell his husband the truth after they were married and had hoped to convince him to consummate the marriage.

Now I have no idea how you sell this one to the surprised groom. I mean, how do you even begin to position this? "I've got good news and bad news, sweetie. The bad news is that I'm a dude and I've been hiding it for the past three years. The good news is that we wear the same shoe size and I won't object to anal." Seriously, if this guy could pull this off, hats off to him for have crazy negotation skills.

The article also goes on to say that he was being held on charges of swindling and posing as a woman. Feel free to insert your own tasteless Starr Jones joke here.

Kill Me

Oh what I wouldn't give for some coffee right now. And some cyanide. I'm sitting here on a godawful conference call with some irrational shrew who keeps talking over me (Pet Peeve #1). I honestly would rather be at Elton John's bachelor party than listen to this banshee wail on about indemnification for one more minute. I seriously wonder what the hell I was thinking when I went to law school.

Simply Obscene

At first glance you probably think, "Oh, there goes that kooky KFed as he's getting out of his $200,000 Ferrari. Man, that is a really expensive car, but you know what? He's worth it. Love knows no financial boundaries. Blah blah blah."

That is, until you take a closer look at the rims and you notice this on the brake calipers:



Holy shit. Yes boys and girls, KFed actually replaced the word "Ferrari" with "Federline." And if you don't believe me, you can go to the original source.

Who was the braniac that came up with this idea? The only thing I can guess is that he's had a lot of problems in the past with confusing his $200K Ferrari with someone else's, so he felt like the only way to keep them straight was to put his name on the brake calipers. Makes sense, although it would have been easier to simply get the vanity plate "FUCKWIT" from the California DMV.

Haven't I Heard This One Before?

A Republican lawmaker from Pennsylvania was recently convicted of a felony for making his legislative staff do political campaign work on state time.

The felony conviction of conflict of interest means that state Rep. Jeff Habay, a 6-term Republican from Allegheny County, will lose his state pension and could be removed from office by the Legislature. He also could face punishment ranging from probation to 15 months in prison, prosecutors said.

Honestly, this shit just writes itself.

Nice to see that the felony conviction "could" result in the loss of his job. Funny, but I have to believe that my employer would drop me like a hot rock if I were convicted of a felony. Of course, they would likely can me for posting this blog during work time, but that's beside the point.

But let's assume for a moment that Jeff gets the maximum penalty and goes to prison (I can dream, can't I?). Can you imagine the looks on the faces of his cellmates when he announces that he's been sent to the big house for conflict of interest? You can bet that at the end of that 15 month stay that his ass is going to look like a wizard's sleeve from all the abuse he'll receive. Oh well.

I Need An Alcohol Swab

A while back, I visited my old Denver hood to attend my former roommate's wedding in Breckenridge. A couple of good friends offered to let me stay at their homes (thanks again), and I ended up staying at the home of a good friend/former co-worker who was also attending the wedding. Since I only needed a place for one night (he was out of town), I took him up on his offer and decided to crash at his house.

Now I am not one to complain about a person's hospitality, but I felt compelled to comment on what I discovered there. In fact, I had to take a picture of it because 1,000 words isn't enough to describe it.




Now let's review the contents of the bedside table. Alarm clock and beside lamp ... check. Book ... pretty standard. Shoe horn. Hmmm. A shoe horn?! What the fuck kind of statement is he trying to make?

It's made even more disconcerting when you take a closer look and notice that the title of the book lying next to said shoe horn is "Drinking, Smoking & Screwing." I'm shocked that he had the good sense to hide the tub of KY Jelly that I'm sure was also resting there before I arrived. Unless, of course, he finished it up before I showed up. I feel dirty just thinking about it.

Okay Denver friends, can you guess whose house this is?

The Worst Job In The World

Since when did drinking from a straw become such a laborious task for Mariah ? Jesus Christ, I will never ever complain about my job again.

Self-Loathing, Thy Name Is James West

The mayor of Spokane was recalled in a special election after allegations surfaced that he used a city computer to visit gay chat rooms and offered internships and other favors to young men he hoped to have sex with. James E. West, a former Boy Scout executive (hmmmm), was elected mayor in 2003 after serving more than two decades as a conservative Republican in the state Legislature, where he voted against gay-friendly legislation.

I honestly couldn't care less about his orientation and any annoyance I might have about his "you rub my back, I'll scratch your front" internship program is far outweighed by the contempt I have for this asshole. Jesus Christ, it's 2005 for crying out loud. Stop the denial and self-loathing, accept yourself, and move on, for fuck's sake.

The only good thing is that he's provided yet another shining example of how hypocritically fucked up the conservative right is in this country. Not that we needed it mind you, but it's always a welcome reminder.

Waiter, There's A Finger In My Chili!

Calling the NCAA College football Bowl Championship Series "deeply flawed," the chairman of a congressional committee has called a hearing on the controversial system used to determine college football's national champion.

Joe Barton, a Texas Republican (surprise!) and Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee, which is charged with regulating America's sports industry, announced Friday it will conduct a hearing on the BCS after this season's bowl matchups are determined.

"College football is not just an exhilarating sport, but a billion-dollar business that Congress cannot ignore," Barton. The committee announcement called for a "comprehensive review" of the BCS and postseason college football because "too often college football ends in sniping and controversy, rather than winners and losers. The current system of determining who's No. 1 appears deeply flawed."

Loyal readers can predict my next question.

What the fuck wrong with this right-wing, dickhead? Oh wait, he's from Texas. That makes more sense now.

Seriously, who gives a shit about the BCS? Sure, I like college football okay and can enjoy the hypothetical discussions about college football rankings but I don't take it that seriously. For example, Cal got royally screwed last year by the BCS. I grumbled about it but I eventually got over it. And I certainly didn't let it stick in my craw, unlike Barton who seems to have a hard on for college football and clearly doesn't have anything better to with his time.

What Barton evidently has failed to grasp with that conservative little Texas brain of his is that the NCAA welcomes and encourages the controversy since it draws more media and public attention (and therefore, money) to their sport.

Let it go, Barton. You really had better focus on more important things, like helping your homey Tom "The Hammer" Delay avoid the big house.

Which is Number is Greater, 37 or 37?

Uh oh. A recent court ruling could lead to the shutdown of all BlackBerry service in the United States. Evidently, RIM has some major U.S. patent issues and may soon no longer be able to provide the service domestically. Ouch.

Fantastic. I can't wait for the day that my BlackBerry service no longer works and I'm stuck with a $300 handheld device that only good for playing Texas Hold 'Em Poker and Breakout. If posting this blog during work hours wasn't enough of a productivity drain, wait until my CrackBerry goes dead. I do most of my work on that thing. I wonder if I can get unemployment if I am fired?

In Re: BHug

In the latest in a series of position reversals, Enrique Iglesias has
lashed out suggestions that he has a small wiener. Evidently, the stories are having a detrimental effect on his relationship with Anna Kournikova. Says Enrique, "It's not true and hurtful to me and my girlfriend."

I hate to break it to you Iggy, but you brought this shit on yourself when you said that you wanted to launch your own brand of small condoms because "I can never find extra-small condoms and I know it's really embarrassing for people."

I am still at a total loss to explain what would possess someone to even suggest that he has a small crank. And while I do believe that it was some sort of sneaky way to trick Anna into having butt sex ("Don't worry baby, you won't even feel it"), you have no one to blame but yourself. This is a classic case of In Re: BHug.

(Kudos to the handful of readers, if any, that get that reference. Glad to see you're reading.)