Is it 2007 Yet?

Hello kiddies ... I hope this message finds you doing well and recovering from the Christmas bloat. Christmas was good and relaxing. The kids had a great time and Santa was generous enough to leave me a dead bird on my front porch. I guess he couldn't make his way in because I don't have a chimney, so he decided to leave the pear tree-less partidge on the stairs outside of my front door. Either that, or it's some sort of subliminal mob gesture. In either event, I'm flattered that someone would be so thoughtful to get me the gift that no one else thought of. Well done.

Merry (Early) Christmas

Knowing my propensity for posting stuff on a timely basis and the likelihood that I will be offline this weekend, I wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday season.

My old roommate in Denver was Australian, so I found this skit involving Hugh Jackman and the "Christmas Kangaroo" particularly humorous. Plus, Will Ferrell is great. So if this video doesn't amuse you, then there it's not me, it's you.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Best Regards,

David James

The Fruitcake Lady

Despite being the season for lackadaisical work efforts, my employer is actually pressuring me to work. How novel is that?

So you know that that means. It's time, yet again, to pass off a three minute YouTube video as interesting content. Shhh, let's hope they don't notice.

I understand that the "Fruitcake Lady" appears on the Tonight Show, although I would have no idea as I haven't watched it since I was nine. But she's pretty funny nonetheless. My favorite quote occurs around minute 2:47. Enjoy. I'll try to have something new and/or interesting tomorrow.

New Laptop: Day 2

Dear IT Department:

Thank you for your timely response to my trouble ticket. Okay, I have to admit it that you haven't actually contacted me for 2 days -- let alone fixed my problems. But I thought that by thanking you in advance, you would actually be kind enough and respond to my cry for help. I hoped that kindness and patience would prevail over rage and threats of bodily injury.

Anyway, if I were to ask Santa Claus for one gift this year (other than the previously-requested world peace and Scarlett Johansson's virginity), it would be that one of your fine technicians would actually respond to my open trouble ticket and help me walk through the configuration of my new work laptop.

Don't get me wrong, I am honored that my company would actually spend $450 on a new Dell laptop. I'd like to think that you responded quickly to my complaint that I could no longer read the screen on my current Etch-O-Sketch laptop. In reality, it was probably the email rant where I noted that I was going blind from trying to read contracts on a goddammned pixilated screen. But that's water under the bridge now. My vision is returning to normal and I now have the fancy, newish (read: refurbished) laptop to use.

Well, at least use in theory. You see, it's not quite working properly, hence my call into our IT help desk to open a trouble ticket. Since the IT brainiac in St. Louis (i.e., Silicon Armpit) couldn't figure it out over the phone, it appears that my company is entrusting me to fully configure the new laptop, including, installing and setting all of the software, firewalls, security settings, systems tools, files, folders, backup data, and the like. I'm honored. It's kind of like when Pak'n Save entrusts you to responsibly pack your own groceries. Except, of course, that a computer contains years of important files and documents and is a wee bit more complicated to figure out than remembering the simple rule of "pack eggs and bread on top." But who doesn't like a challenge?

Anyway, if you could respond this year, that would be great. I'll be the guy in his office stealing WiFi from another building because the fucking network connection doesn't work on this piece-of-shit laptop.

Very Best Regards and Merry Christmas,

David James

One Week Until Christmas ....

Sorry for the delay in posting. I have been busy dealing with a bunch of stuff pertaining to the house, moving, work, etc., as well as struggling to configure and update a new work laptop after my old one died.

Anyway, to answer the various questions that have been asked over the past week or so:

* I officially move in on Wednesday
* The hot tub seats 7
* Sadly there is no stripper pole in the new house (sorry AJH)
* There are no new rugby injuries to report after Saturday's game
* For Christmas I would like world peace and Scarlett Johansson's virginity

Anyway .... I've always been a fan of those old Christmas specials that I watched as a child - "Charlie Brown Christmas," "A Year Without a Santa Claus" ... you name it. Well, except for that lame "Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey." Anyway I somehow stumbled across this video, which analyzes "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and illustrates what an asshole Santa Claus is. My favorite quote is when he tells Rudolph’s father that he "should be ashamed of yourself" for having a reindeer child with such a deformity.

I kind of knew that there was something wrong about him given the fact that Santa maintained a colony of slave...., uhh, I mean "indentured servant" elves. But I didn't realize what a tool he was before watching this video. Enjoy.

You're So Money and You Don't Even Know It

This video clip from the movie "Swingers" is, without question, the most painful, difficult to watch scene from any movie ever made. It could be just a guy thing, but I simply cringe every time I see it. Even now -- ten years after it first came out -- I can barely stand to sit through the entire scene. The Ned Beaty rape scene from "Deliverance" is far easier for me to watch. Hell, I would rather watch a homemade Star Jones sex tape than this scene.



However, there is one Star Jones video clip I could watch over and over again:

House Update

Below are some house photos which I was able to download from the former seller's agent website (long story). The active link I used to have no longer works since we are scheduled to close in a few days.

Anyway, here it is as the seller had it decorated. You will have to imagine (a) the removal of the yellow paint, and (b) the prominent glass storage case for my Beanie Baby collection. I'll probably have to convert one of the bedrooms for that purpose, but I'm otherwise open to ideas. And if you can suggest decorating ideas that incorporate milk crates and/or recycled cardboard, all the better...

Don't You Put That Evil On Me, Ricky Bobby!

Will Ferrell is fantastic. This made me laugh on an otherwise boring day.

Sorry that the posting has been sporadic recently. The past few days have been hectic in anticipation for the house closing, which is next Tuesday. Which means I will be accepting donations of food come next Wednesday. Preferably no tofu hot dogs, though.

Fuckwit Politician of the Day

Today's Fuckwit Politician of the Day (“FPotD”) is Colorado Republican Tom Tancredo, a freakishly conservative, anti-immigration politician, who recently warned that George Bush was a "dangerous internationalist" who was plotting to integrate the North American continent.

Tancredo, who conveniently forgets that his ancestors were once immigrants themselves, recently told WorldNetDaily, a controversial conservative website, “I know this is dramatic, or maybe somebody would say overly dramatic. But I’m telling you that everything I see leads me to believe that this whole idea of the North American union, it’s not something that’s just written about by right-wing fringe kooks,” said Tancredo, who himself is a right-wing fringe kook who is considering a run at the presidency. “It is something in the head of the president of the United States, the president of Mexico, I think the prime minister of Canada buys into it...”

Not surprisingly, Rolling Stone magazine recently labeled Tancredo as one of the 10 worst congressmen. The publication noted he wants to deport every undocumented worker in the United States, a proposal that would cost at least US$200 billion, and has called for halting all immigration, legal or otherwise.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tom “I hate brown people” Tancredo’s politics, here are a few highlights:

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they seek higher education!

* Tancredo criticized the Denver Public Library system for supporting Spanish-speaking families through reading materials and offering space for classes. I'm not sure why has an issue with Spanish speakers reading, but oh well.

* Tancredo founded the “Team America” political action committee in 2004 in order to collect contributions for immigration-restrictionist inclined congressional representatives and candidates. Sadly, Tancredo did not receive any credit for being the inspiration for the movie of the same name, ”Team America: World Police”.

* On September 11, 2006, Tancredo spoke to a gathering of the "Americans Have Had Enough Coalition", sponsored by the "The League of the South," which is a neo-Confederate organization that has been described as a racist hate group. According to reports, the room in which Tancredo spoke had a prominent picture of Robert E. Lee and was draped with Confederate battle flags. At the closing of the event, men dressed in full Confederate military regalia present stood up and began to sing "Dixie." Unfortunately, the League of the South couldn't locate an African American slave to lynch in order to make the setting perfect.

* On November 28, 2006, Tancredo was quoted in several news sources as referring to the city of Miami, Florida as a "Third World country." Jeb Bush called Tancredo's remarks "naive" in a letter to the congressman, who replied in a letter "I certainly understand and appreciate your need and desire to try and create the illusion of Miami as a multiethnic 'All American' city," he said. "However, it is neither naïve nor insulting to call attention to a real problem that cannot be easily dismissed through politically correct happy talk." Translation: “Suck it, Jeb.”

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they want to get an education?

* Tancredo stirred up controversy in 2005 when he mused on a Florida radio show that America could destroy Islamic holy sites like Mecca if there’s another terrorist attack on U.S. soil.

However, my favorite snippet about Tancredo pertained to the negative publicity he received when the Denver Post reported that two illegal immigrants were among the crew hired to remodel Tancredo’s basement. When asked about it, Tancredo defended himself by saying that he never asked about their immigration status. I guess he wasn’t tipped off by their brown skin and funny accents. But they were relegated to the basement, so how could you fault him?

Tom Tancredo: 2008. Your candidate for a whiter, easier to understand America.

Great Commercials of the 80s

Given his driving, I'm thinking Redd Foxx actually broke into the malt liquor supply before filming this. And I have no idea what the hell the premise was for this commercial:



I used to love watching Super Friends when I was a kid, although what's up with Wonder Woman and Aqua Man flying? That always bothered me:



I remember having one of these toys in my house when I was a kid. I'm pray to the littl 8 lb, 6 oz Baby Jesus that it was my sister's:



Is it just me, or is this the most anti-social commercial of all time? You don't need real friends. You only need the imitation friend that's manufactured and sold for $20 instead:

Mules Gone Wild!

The Sundance Film Festival announced Wednesday that Seattle filmmaker Robinson Devor's documentary "Zoo" has been accepted into the 2007 festival's documentary competition. The film examines the widely reported case of an Washington man who died in 2005 after having sex with a horse. "Zoo" is one of 16 documentaries selected for competition, all of which will screen as world premieres.

Really, a movie about a guy that schtupped a horse? Aren't these made all the time? You know, Rocky VI suddenly doesn't look so bad any more.

I really wish I was there to see how the actor selection process went:

Filmmaker: "I'm making a documentary and am looking for someone to play the lead in recreating some of the main scenes."
Starving Actor: "Sounds good. What does it entail?"
Filmmaker: "You're going to have to fuck a horse and then pretend to die."
Starving Actor: "Okay, I guess I'll do it. Does it pay standard wage?"
Filmmaker: "Actually, it's a documentary, so you won't be paid at all."
Filmmaker: "Okay, just .. don't .. get it my eyes."

Man, I can't wait for that one to hit the big screen. What a touching drama to capture on film. I wonder, when is the Pastor Ted Haggard documentary coming out? (Multiple puns intended)

And yes, somewhere in the faint distance I can hear someone uttering the predictable joke "Rectum? Hell, it killed him!"