Belated Happy Holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas/Boxing Day)

Ugh, it's me. This blog has recently reminded me of the girl you dated for a while and really hit it off. Then you neglected to call for a few days which then became a week, which then became two weeks. And then a month. Do you call her back or simply say "screw it" because it's been so long and now things are really awkward when you call? Will she even answer the phone? What the hell do you say after seven weeks of total radio silence?

"Happy Holidays." ???
"Sorry I've been such an asshole." ???
"Shit, did I really miss your birthday? Guess I owe you another present." ???

Anyway, I'm callin.., uhh, writing to say "Hi. It's been a long time. Sorry I've been delinquent. There's really no excuse. It's not you, it's me. Hope you're still checking to see if I am indeed alive. Will write again soon."

Lazy Sunday

The list of "Things That Creep Me Out" is pretty long and I'm still pretty exhausted from my trip, but I just saw this unusual little play doll that pees vigorously after you feed it liquids.

And by "unusual" I really mean disgusting.



Be back this week with real, live commentary. I promise.

Happy Halloween

... and at the rate I am posting these days, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and so on.

Part of it has been the crush of work which has seen my on 11:00 p.m. conference calls twice this week (thanks!). Part of it's family, hobbies, life and laziness.

But part of it has been due to the fact that there are many political sites out - Huffingtonpost, Daily KOS, ThinkProgress, etc. - there that do a fantastic job and which already echo my sentiment. But since I will be in Finland next week for work and unable to closely follow the election coverage next Tuesday, I thought I would throw in my own early prediction.

To respond to Kate's and others' concerns about jinxing the election, let's face it -- this thing is entirely over. Non-partisan polling is leaning decidedly towards Senator Obama. Obama is a lock in the Northeast (PA, NY, NJ, ME, VT, DE, MD, CT, etc.), the West Coast (CA, OR, WA, HI) and the North Central (IL, IA, WI, MN, MI). Those states alone total 257 electoral votes.

This means that if Obama wins any of the following states, he will win: FL, VA, OH, CO, NV, NM, NC, or MO. And Obama has polling leads in each of those states. He has commanding leads (5%+) in OH, CO, NV, NM and narrow leads in former red states like NC and MO.

Will he win all of them? No. I still believe in the closet racist vote. But there's almost no way for McCain to win/cheat in all of those states.

So if they announce next Tuesday that Obama wins either Florida (2% pt lead) or Virginia (6% pt lead) as is currently expected, then the election will be all but over and we're headed towards a landslide. Even if not, Obama would have to lose the entire "middle" and that seems highly, highly unlikely.

I'm personally predicting a pretty sizable victory for Obama. By my calculations, Obama should end up with around 349 electoral votes -- and upwards of 364 or so if everything breaks his way -- which is more than Truman, Kennedy, Nixon, Carter, or GWB got in their first term elections. Which is pretty amazing with all of the racism and false information being circulated these days. It's been so bad recently, that I decided to take a huge break from it all, so maybe it's a good thing I'll miss things next week. Anyway, get out and vote (although you probably already have) and watch CNN non-stop on my behalf.

It's Over

Yes, I know that we still have 19 days until the election, but the fact is that this race is all but officially over: Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States.

Fivethirtyeight.com has Obama with a 95% winning percentage. With leads in traditional Republican states such as Florida, North Carolina and Virginia, Obama's lead is almost insurmountable at this point in time. McCain has to produce a video of Obama wearing a turban and a "Free Iraq" t-shirt while raping a white woman. Absent that, November 4 looks to be a landslide victory.

Personally, I have a lot of mixed emotions about the election at this point in time. I am *really* excited that the McCain-Palin combo is not going to be leading our government for the next 4-8 years. I am surprised that this country is actually about to elect a person with brown skin president, although it took a highly educated (Republican translation "elitist" and "well spoken") and superior candidate to do so.

At the same time, I am outraged that we've had to deal with stupid, racist shit like this in the campaign:

And let's be honest, I am also a little nervous as to what's going to happen the next four years since Obama has been handed a huge mess by GW to clean up. Seriously, things are fucked up beyond comprehension and no matter what Obama does, it's still likely to be a mess in four years. Don't get me wrong, I but into his leadership and vision and all that, I just know it's going to be a tough road, even more so with opponents eagerly looking to say "I told you so" when even magic pixie dust couldn't make things right.

And at the same time, I'm kind of sad because I will miss stupid shit like this:



Goodbye Sarah Palin. I'm looking forward to never hearing your voice again.

Palin: Being Gay Is A Choice

Despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary, Sarah Palin still believes that homosexuals choose their sexual orientation. In yet another video clip as a result of her recent interview with Katie Couric (as a side note, how long did she interview her for)

Palin: "I have, one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years who happens to be gay."

Translation: "I will now make up a story about a token gay friend. Ewww!"

Palin: "And I love her dearly."

Translation: "And Jesus hates her dearly."

Palin: "And she is not my "gay friend."

Translation: "Now Katie, what is that PC term that folks use to describe female homosexuals? I know I shouldn't use the expression "bull dyke" but it's the only thing I can think of."

Palin: "She is one of my best friends who happens to have made a choice that isn’t a choice that I have made."

Translation: Despite all scientific evidence to the contrary, I believe she chose to be gay. I also believe in talking snakes and that men and dinosaurs roamed the Earth together 6,000 years ago. Now mybe if she were cuter and thinner, she would attract a man that would cure her of her 'choice.' Oh well, I'll pray for her."

Palin: "But I am not gonna judge people."

Translation: "But Jesus will. Prepare to burn in Hell, lesbo."

I also love the part where she says "I don't know what prayers are going to be answered and not answered." Whew, that's a huge relief. Because otherwise you would be some sort of God-like entity, which scares me almost as much as you being president does.

I honestly do not believe a single word that this woman just said. Seriously, I thought "thou shall not lie" was one of the Ten Commandments. Perhaps the Wasilla Bible Church changed that commandment to "thou shall not have butt sex with another man."

Anyway ... the whole "gay choice/screw what science says" approach she employs is so Medieval and outdated. Does she seriously believe that? In his comedy CD "Shut Up You Fucking Baby," David Cross has a great bit where he dispels the scenario where someone would choose to be gay (and later discusses the stereotypical, effeminate "gay" voice. Warning: NSFW language):

McCain Solves Health Care!!

Here's an awesome video of McCain espousing his healthcare solution: turn Wal-Mart into an emergency room. I'm fucking serious .... that's really his suggestion, I am not making this shit up.

Whew, I'm really glad we got the health care crisis all figured out. Perhaps McCain will also suggest that Target become a bank or that Red Lobster start issuing commercial paper. When is that going to happen?

Reason # 461 Why John McCain Is A Total Train Wreck

Despite McCain's own proclamation that he is "not an expert on Wall Street” and “not an expert of some of this stuff” [ Ed. note: what "stuff" is he talking about? Finance? Counting money? Come to think of it, when was the last time Johnny actually checked his bank balance or paid a bill? Insane. ], McCain inserted himself into the Wall Street bailout negotiations (a/k/a "Project Lipstick On The Financial Pig"). Despite having little familiarity with the issues and a shallow understanding of financial markets, McCain was able to broker a deal which brought peace and prosperity throughout the land.

Oh wait, strike that last comment. Instead he sided with House Republicans who opposed the bipartisan efforts to solve the financial crisis by instead offering their own plan involving tax cuts and further deregulation. Brilliant.

Seriously, our economy - which is already in dire straits - is going to be seriously fucked if this guy is elected president. Honestly, this is shaping up to be the most important election of my life time. Dear little 8 lb. 6 oz. little baby Jesus ... please, oh please, do not let this dude win.

"Alask's Proximity to Russia Certainly Does Give Me Foreign Policy Experience"

This video is jawdropping. Katie Couric gave Palin an opportunity to defend her widely ridiculed prior claims that Alaska’s proximity to Russia and Canada provides her with some sort of foreign policy experience. My favorite parts:

- "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries — they’re in the state that I am the executive of." Jesus, she talks like a 15-year old.

- She claims that Putin flies over Alaska which, I guess, suddenly makes her Henry Kissinger. Who knew?

God, please let this nightmare end. I promise to be good (I'll even stop stalking Scarlett Johansson). Just, please make this all go away.

Palin, McCain ... Then Pray For Rain

Over recent weeks, much has been made of the fact that Sarah Palin attended 5 colleges over 6 years. So below is a comparison of the educational backgrounds of what will be out next President and Vice President (thanks to VMD for the source):

Barack Obama:
Occidental College - Two years
Columbia University - B.A. political science with a specialization in international relations
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joe Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in history and B.A. in political science
Syracuse University College of Law - J.D.

vs.

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank 894 of 899

Sarah Palin (a/k/a Caribou Barbie):
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general studies
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in journalism

And just for shits and grins, here's the Libertarian ticket:

Bob Barr:
University of Southern California - B.A.
George Washington University - master's degree in international journalism
Georgetown University - J.D.

Wayne Allyn Root:
Columbia University - B.A. political science (I don't know who is either but found out that he was in the same class as Obama)

So it turns out that Palin only attended 4 different colleges -- not 5 --- over that fateful 6 year period of time. Obama, on the other hand, only went to Occidental for 2 years before he dropped out. And by my count, Obama and Biden went to as many schools (5 different schools) as did McCain and Palin. Magna Cum Laude vs. 894/899? This all really seems like a wash to me.

Punisher? I Barely Know Her!

As further evidence that California courts are not soft on celebrity crime, it was recently announced that actor Thomas Jane plead no contest to drunk driving and speeding after he was caught driving at 120 mph on a California highway. Police stopped the actor twice on Interstate 5 last March for speeding. After a third stop, he was finally arrested for driving while drunk.

The star of acclaimed movies such as "Zack and Reba" and Jonni Nitro" had the book thrown at him as he was sentenced to: (1) one full year of probation (that's like 12 whole months of not fucking up), (2) $1,700 in fines (which is at least 0.000000003% of what he made for "Spider-man 3"), and (3) court-ordered alcohol abuse classes (seriously, do you remember what a drag school was?) Damn, California courts dropped the hammer on you, my man.

Oh, and two other alcohol and drug charges and two speeding tickets were dismissed. So not only are California courts harsh, they're also merciful at the same time. You go judge!

So remember this important lesson you celebrities: if you drive almost twice the legal speed limit while drunk and high, you will ultimately be arrested and made to pay a modest sum of money in order to get out of trouble. Imagine what would have happened to him if he had plead guilty instead of no contest? Seriously celebrities, don't even try to get away with that shit in California.

Hey Jyri, Pass the Reindeer ...

It's been waaaaay too long since my last work-related travel woes blog. I used to write it mostly because I loathed Shit Louis and my utterly insane, bipolar boss. But I thought - "what the hell, I have a 16 travel day to Finland, there has to be something interesting to write about." Seriously, this blog has been shit recently so perhaps a return to a favorite subject matter (i.e., my mystery on a plane) will spark people's interest.

* My Sunday has been a total mess and I end up going straight to the gate and arriving about 5 minutes before my plane starts boarding. No time to grab food but I'm sure that there will be a hearty meal on the plane, right? Sigh ... I know that's unlikely but I can dream, can't I?

* The plane is packed and appears to be comprised mostly of young female exchange students and septuagenarians. Guess who I have the pleasure of sitting next to? That's right, a European Ernest Borgnine in drag.

* The stewardess is wearing a necklace that says "Jazzercise" on it. Really? Is that the current exercise fad in Europe? What, no "Tai Bo" bracelet? Now I would totally understand if she were 13 or mentally diminished or from the outskirts of the Ukraine. But she's American. I'm guessing she's from Houston instead. I'm also guessing she has 13 cats and was too embarrassed to wear wrist charm with the names of all 13 cats. I'm going to go out on a limb here guess that the list of names include Boots, Smokey, Tyrone, and Mr. Gibbs.

* One of the oldsters sitting in front of me keeps trying to reclined her chair so she can lie horizontally. Sorry Madge, but you'll need to spend a few grand more in order to get those fancy reclining seats in business class. So until then, please stop bouncing back and forth like a goddamned hobby horse.

* I totally forgot that I signed up for special lowest meals when I registered. Good news - I managed to avoid the nasty roast beef and manicotti dinners, Bad news - I got a dinner subsisting of 1 oz of chicken, some side of white beans, carrots and tomatoes, and a began cookie. Oh yeah, and a salad consisting of lettuce and a lemon. Seriously, I think I ate 200 calories for dinner.

* I am 6 hours in to my 10 hour flight and I can't sleep. Not good. I start watching some horrible movie starring Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick where she gets pregnant - I think it's called "A Womb With A View" - and it's horrible. I seriously ponder plucking my eyes out.

* The woman sitting next to me has sneezed not less than 20 times. Cue the airborne virus in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

* And the insomnia continues. I somehow manage to stay awake for my entire 10:00-ish hour flight and have arrived at the Frankfurt airport where it's 7:30 a.m. It feels like someone poured Tabasco salt in my eyes. I sleep for another hour or so on the second leg of my flight and make it to Helsinki in one piece. Despite getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel like total hell. The week should be a blur of work, travel and strange foods, but I will try to update this blog before I return next week.

Kiitos!

Bill O'Reilly, Turd Extraordinaire

When Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy was revealed, Bill O’Reilly derided her parents.

“On the pinhead front, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. The sister of Britney says she is shocked. I bet. Now most teens are pinheads in some ways. But here the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her or even over Britney Spears. Look at the way she behaves,” O’Reilly declared.

Now O'Reilly is singing a slightly different tune now that it is Vice President-nominee Sarah Palin's teenage daughter that is knocked up:

"Now, the latest thing is that people like me don't condemn Palin's family but we condemn other people who, uh, gave birth out of wedlock. I've never condemned anybody who gave birth out of wedlock. Ever in my life. I don't make those kinds of determinations. What I do say and, this nut Cynthia Tucker in the Atlanta Journal Constitution makes a deal out of this, I said that Britney Spears and what's her sister's name who's pregnant, their parents were irresponsible - Jamie Lee - because they were running around unsupervised."

Huh? He goes on to say:

"Yeah, I said that and I believe it. It has nothing to do with the Palin situation, okay? So, I mean, it just, it really, it makes me angry. I know what's going on. You know what's going on. Uh, and we're going to have to start making some people pay, you know, we're going to have to start to make some people pay because of the irresponsible attacks."

I love how he just turns it around with the "you know what's going on" comment. Nothing ceases me to amaze me anymore when it comes to these freaks, and it's only the beginning of September.

Uhhh, Hi Folks ...

I've been offline for a long time due to a number of reasons (ill parent, Disneyland vacation, work), none of which has to do with the fact that there isn't a *ton* of politic things to comment upon. I missed so much over the past 3 weeks that there's no way to really catch up.

Of course, the Sarah Palin announcement has dominated the headlines recently. Like most people, I have experience an array of emotions: shock, bemusement, disbelief, relief, glee. More than anything else, I am deeply offended that Republicans actually think (or think that we are stupid enough to believe) that she is a surrogate for Hillary Clinton in an effort to reach out to her disgruntled political base. Really? It reminds me when G.H.W. Bush nominated the Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace the late Thurgood Marshall. While they were quick to point out that the appointment preserved the existing racial composition of the court ("Hey, look, we got another colore..., uhh, African American judge"), they failed to point out that Thomas was undistinguished and thought to be unqualified for the job, and an ideological opposite of the legendary Marshall.

Palin is no Hillary. Not by a fucking longshot. The fact that Republicans are trying to proffer this political trainwreck as a replacement for Clinton is insulting. It's also a political "fuck you" to all the other qualified Republican politicians who are far more qualified than Palin.

I imagine that the Republican VP selection team process went a little something like this:

Staffer: "Okay, let's run through your potential running mates."
McCain: "I want a cookie."
Staffer: "We'll get you that right away, sir, but first the candidates."
McCain: "I was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton."
Staffer: "I am well aware, sir. Let's save that for the speech."
McCain:
Staffer (ignoring McCain): "Okay, candidate #1 is 4 term senator with substantial economic and foreign policy experience and who has a track recor ..."
McCain: "Next."
Staffer: "Alrighty, candidate #2 is a popular governor of a major swing state who has very high approval ratings and who..."
McCain: "Yawn."
Staffer: "Uhh, the third candidate is a former beauty queen but has limited .."
McCain: "Ding, ding, ding .... we have a winner!"

It's not McCain, it's you ....

Lunch With the Spears Family

Those of you that know me, know that I can be somewhat risk averse. For example, I've never gone sky diving or bungee jumping. I'm also not a huge gambler. (As an aside, I've never even been to Las Vegas, which people in California think is entirely insane).

Nevertheless, I would have taken everything that I own -- my house, my Prius, and my savings -- and wagered it all on the fact that Cheetos was one of the major staples of Britney Spears' family diet. Now I wouldn't be so bold as to try to predict which Cheeto type they regularly eat.

"I wonder, do they prefer original Cheetos or are they fans of the Flaming Cheetos?" (which are, as an aside, fucking awful)."

But there was no absolutely no doubt in my mind that she and her children were regular consumers of Cheetos.

And, thanks to "OK" magazine (what a dumb name), my firmly held beliefs were proven true. This photo is fantastic. You have to love the fact that the bag of Cheetos is prominently placed at the center of the table, just like a Thanksgiving turkey. She probably believes that Sunkist "orange drink" is the same as "fruit juice." The only thing which is even mildly surprising is that one of her handlers didn't have the common sense to at least make an effort to hide them off to the side.

Next proposition bet: will the Spears kids collectively weigh over or under 500 lbs when they youngest one turns 18. I'm taking the over. And yes, I am an asshole.

538

Contrary to logic, John McCain is making this election waaay closer than it should be. Seriously, are we really going to elect the seventy-something candidate that doesn't use a computer or the Internet? Thinking about that distinct possibility seriously makes my head hurt. The only thing which helps me sleep easy at night is the fact the latest election forecast, which predicts that Obama has a 63.5% chance of winning, based on the latest polling numbers.

This comes courtesy of my new favorite political website -- 538 -- which accumulates and analyzes polling and political data in order to provide an objective, statistical assessment of the likely outcome of upcoming elections.

Now, of course, this all goes out the window if some "love baby" pops out of nowhere for Obama (well, it's generally known where a love baby would pop out of, I meant more in the unforeseen sense). I also wouldn't put it past McCain and the RNC to do whatever it takes win, so I am bracing myself for an updated version of the awfulsome Willie Horton commercial, which should be airing any day now. There's a 36.5% chance that they will win while there's a 100% chance that they will pull out all the stops to do so.

Me Smog You Long Time!

Despite my demanding semi-weekly blogging schedule, I still take time self-reflection every day and ponder my reasons for living. (Translation: I have an hour commute every morning and evening, am utterly bored with my music collection and local radio, and end up talking to myself like a crazy, semi-coherent homeless person.)

And it was during one of these moments of quiet reflection that I realized that I was perhaps being a little too harsh last week when I noted last week that Beijing is not what I would call the cleanest of cities. In hindsight, I worried that the nicknames I associated with Beijing (such as "Pigpen" and "Filthier Houston") were potentially hurtful and inaccurate. Maybe the pollution issue had been resolved by temporarily removing cars and halting manufacturing. Perhaps, I thought, I may have truly exaggerated the pollution problem.

That was until today, when I read the following article which suggested that there still might be a few issues with Beijing's air quality.

"Australian head coach Alan Thompson is searching for answers regarding the apparent pollution that has settled over the Olympic pool. The national team graced the Water Cube for the first time yesterday evening only to find the smog that has blanketed Beijing infiltrating the space-age aquatic centre."

That's right boys and girls, the smog has actually invaded the aquatic center -- which is an entirely enclosed facility. Seriously, the pollution has actually seeped into the indoor facility.

Evidently, there are no indoor fans which push the smog/soot ("smoot"?) outside the indoor swimming facility. But I'm sure that the amount of pollution is having only a negligible effect on the athletes, right?

"About half of the Australian swim team have respiratory problems and the thin blanket of pollution is a concern with the swimming program starting on Saturday."

I guess it goes without saying that I should never second guess my first instinct. This is going to be an awesome party. They should have changed the Beijing Olympic slogan to "Come for media censorship and human rights abuses, stay for the smoot!"

The Dark Night Review

So last night I became what was probably the 30 millionth person to see The Dark Knight, which was very, very good. Like everyone else, I thought Heath Ledger was amazing and shoe-in to garner award accolades. The Dark Knight is a great comic adaption, very dark and much more complex than your average comic-based movie.

Now I know it's a movie that is based on a comic book, so I accept the fact that I have to suspend disbelief and accept a few plot holes and goofs in the movie. And while I really enjoyed the movie, I am not sure it lives up to its Titantic-sized hype.

For example, IMDB has this as the highest rated film of all time. Now it was a fun movie, but seriously, the best of all time? Hello, have people already forgotten about Maid in Manhattan and Short Circuit 2? What is wrong with you people?

Other issues I had with the movie:

* I enjoyed the movie, but it was way too long. You could have easily cut out 20 minutes and tightened up the film. Of course, I might have already been fatigued by the seven (!) movie previews and six (!!) commercials beforehand.

* Maggie Gyllenhaall as the female love interest still didn't do it for me. Sure she was an improvement over Katie Holmes, but was Scarlett Johansson unavailable for the movie? However, if they rewrote the script so that the Rachel Dawes character gets attached by a bear, then I would have preferred that Paris Hilton be cast in the role.

* There were a bunch of small things that annoyed me. First, the mayor's eyes looked like he was wearing eye liner. I swear to God. It’s all I could focus on when he was on the screen. Also, Christian Bale’s voice when he was dressed as Batman bugged the shit out of me. And since when did Batman's costume go from tights and a cape to body armor? Hello, I liked it more last time when they called it “Iron Man” (which I actually liked more than the “Dark Knight”).

* At the end of the movie, the Joker protects himself using dogs. Dogs, really? Is that really supposed to stop anyone? Jesus, he’s Batman, not a postal employee. Batman fought ninjas in the first movie without any weapons and did just fine but now he can’t defend himself against three dogs.

* I sat in the 3rd row after showing up only 30 minutes early and there were a couple of scenes where I thought I was going to go insane trying to keep track what was going on. I realize that's my problem and not the movie's but still. Two weeks later and it’s still selling out on a Tuesday night. Insane.

Overall, it was a very good movie but I must say that if you take Heath Ledger out of it, it’s about the same as the first movie which was good but not great. Although if you replaced him with Cameron Diaz, I'm not certain I would notice the difference, physically speaking.

Ode to a Celebrity's Father

Mike Myers' indicated that his recent movie The Love Guru is a tribute to his late father. His father Eric died in 1991 following a long battle with Alzheimer's disease. The comedian admits he was so devastated by the loss he embarked on a journey of self-discovery to help him cope. And it was during this time in his life that he was inspired to create the character of "The Guru."

Myers explains, "I was devastated by his death. When my father died, I went on a little spiritual quest, just to try and make sense of it all. And, in many ways, The Love Guru is honoring him by dealing with his loss, because making silly movies is how I deal with things."

You know, I really hope that when I die, my son will be so moved to write, produce and act in such a jaw-droppingly bad awful movie. "Hey dad, I loved you so much that I made this turd of a movie to remember you by!" Jessica Alba could be riding around nude on a pegasus and I still wouldn't have any desire to see the film. Seriously, I would rather watch a video of my own prostate exam than watch this movie. But then again, it would help explain his other awful tribute films as "The Cat in the Hat," "Shrek the Third" and "Wayne's World 2."

Big Trouble, Dirty China

In addition to being a political junkie (despite the absence of postings during the heat of the election), I am also a big Olympics addict, specifically, track and field which has been one of my favorite sports since high school. No one in the states seems to enjoy the sport (similar to rugby) until it's time for the Olympics. I've watched the Olympics for as long as I can remember, certainly going back to the days when McDonald's ran its Olympic price contests ("What's that, we won another gold medal in swimming? Hello free medium sized french fries.").

And this year, I plan on watching every minute of the Olympics yet again. Or at least I was planning on watching every minute of it until I saw this photo and noticed that there was a slight visual problem in Beijing:



Jesus Christ, look at the thick blanket of soot overlaying the city. It looks like it was taken in a chimney. Are they mining coal right next to the stadium or what?

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Beijing City officials have confidently predicted that air quality will be good for the Games. Drastic efforts to curb pollution include pulling half of Beijing's 3.3 million vehicles off the roads, closing factories in the city and in a half dozen surrounding provinces, and halting most construction in the capital.

That didn't quite improve things and so, starting July 1, Beijing banned approximately 300,000 heavily polluting vehicles, such as aging industrial trucks.

Fantastic idea. However, today's picture make it appear that someone dumped a million tons of charcoal ash on the city.

So today Chinese state media reported that drastic measures - such as pulling more cars from the roads and shutting down additional factories - could be taken if the air quality does not improve. Jacques Rogge, president of the IOC, has warned that outdoor endurance events will be postponed if the air quality is poor.

This is fucking brilliant. The Olympics are 11 days away and officials are basically casting all their hopes on a shutdown of all machinery in the city. I'm surprised that they aren't doing something high tech, like employing the efforts of a wind Shaman or buying a ton of electric fans.

Seriously, it's not like this is a huge surprise. Everyone has known that Beijing has huge pollution issues. It's like letting Britney Spears babysit your kid off and being surprised when he comes home smelling like Marlboro's and Cheetos. Enough with the mock surprise here folks.

Oh wait, this just in ... Olympic officials are alarmed at the number of people in Beijing. "Seriously, there are a shitload of people living here. We had no idea when we awarded them the games,' said one official on the condition of anonymity.

"Don't Hope For A Better Life"

Who am I kidding, i fucking love politics. Especially when you are gifted with such fantastic content such as this awesome biographical about John McCain.

Voiceover: "It was a time of uncertainty, hope and change. The summer of love. Half a world away, another kind of love .... of Country."
Translation: "While all the filthy, hippy communists such as Obama were getting stoned and enjoying free-love Woodstock, McCain made decided to serve his country by going to Vietnam and being tortured endlessly."

Voiceover: "... an American, a maverick."
Translation: "A true maverick, like the kind of person that refuses to use a computer or the Internet." (oh wait, perhaps that should be "nutjob").

Voiceover: “John McCain doesn’t always tell us what we hope to hear.”
Translation: "We will never, ever exit Iraq during our lifetimes. Don't even think about it."

Voiceover: “Don’t hope for a better life.”
Translation: "Fuck hope."

Simply awesome. The only thing that would make this better is if he could somehow reincarnate Jesse Helms and make him his running mate.

P.S. Did anyone notice that Jesse Helms died on the fourth of July? How did I miss this? Oh well, rot in Hell Jesse.

BONUS: Check out the armpit sweat stains at 0:18 of the clip. Jesus Christ my man, did you run a marathon before filming that or what?

Work Crap

So I'm back in the San Francisco office today, where I go once per week in order to avoid the one hour commute (each way) to our offices in Palo Alto. I mentioned previously that on one occasion I was forced to share an office for a couple of hours with a woman who was doused with old lady perfume. Fortunately I manage to extricate myself from the office without any hurt feelings.

Me: "Hey there [ insert name ], I'm going to go get some coffee but I'll be right back. Do you want anything?"
Her: "No, I'm good. But are you sure you don't want to leave your laptop and all your belongings?"
Me: "Uhh, gotta run."

Since then I've specifically chosen to sit in different shared offices in order to avoid the perfume cropdusting. Today, I'm in the office adjacent to hers. Unfortunately, the odor wafts out her office door and somehow finds its way to where I am sitting. Either that or the overpowering smell is somehow forcing its way through the shared wall in order to poison me. I swear, the stuff has a mind of its own.

UPDATE: She just came in this office to ask me a work question. Ack. I am seriously considering abandoning all acceptable social conventions and wearing one of those surgical masks whenever I'm here. Hopefully it's more acceptable that I try to pass for "quarantined" as opposed to "nauseated."

John McCain "I Hate the Bloggers"

“Now we’ve got the cables. We’ve got talk radio. We’ve got the bloggers. I hate the bloggers. We’ve got all kinds of sources of information.”

The feeling is mutual, dickweed. Please just do us all a favor and simply croak. Much thanks.

Best Regards,
David James

Hey, This Blogging Thing Is Fun!

January 20, 2009. Only 200 more days left to go. I knew this guy was a moron long ago when asked during a televised Reublican debate as to which political philosopher or thinker he most identified with and why, Bush responded, "Christ, because he changed my heart." That's when I knew we would be in for some trouble. But good god, I'm not sure anyone could have predicted how awful the next 8 years would be.

Speaking of God and predictions (hey look -- a segue!), I have to revisit an earlier post where Pat Robertson boldly predicted that would be a recession in 2008. Bold prediction there, Pat. But to his prophetic credit, Robertson suggested that Americans would be paying much more for gas at the pump and that oil would reach $150 a barrel.

Don't get me wrong, I will be the first person to call bullshit on a dubious Pat Roberston claim. But here we are barely halfway through the calendar year and this prediction looks like a mortal lock. The price for a barrel of oil has hit $144 and the average gas price nationwide is around $4.10 per gallon. Nine months ago, gas prices in California were less than $3 per gallon. Now gas is $4.60 per gallon and it's more likely that I will sooner see unicorns running in the streets than the return of $3 gas.

You know, next time we concoct some made up reason to invade another country, perhaps we should choose one with an endless supply of oil. Like "Petrolia" or "Oilrabia." That would make more sense.

Holy. Fuck.

In keeping with the politics theme, I ran across this awesome ad for eMobile (a Japanese phone company), which has a monkey politician stands before a chanting crowd holding up signs calling for "change."

Yes, that's right kiddos, the Japanese have produced a commercial featuring a monkey as an Obama-surrogate selling mobile devices. Fucking obscene.



As much as I love (a) monkeys, and (b) those insane Japanese game shows, this is pretty fucking ridiculous. Previously, a company in Texas was selling t-shirts which read "If Obama Gets Elected Will They Call It The "Black House'?" And we're still in June, boys and girls. This is going to be a long summer.

Sad or Hilarious? You Be the Judge ...

This Daily Kos article perfectly illustrates why McCain is entirely out of touch with modern society and, by extension, would be a terrible President. A simple off-handed question about computers led to the following exchange:

Q: Are you a Mac or a PC guy?

A: Neither, I'm an illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance I can get.

What the fuck? Can a current Presidential candidate really be computer illiterate? I cannot fathom that my 5-year old is more fluent around a computer than McCain. Also, good call on disclosing the fact that you depend upon your prescription drug addicted wife to help you with technical matters. Perhaps when you're elected President, you can appoint Rush Limbaugh to your cabinet and they can compare notes as to how they illegally acquired prescription drugs.

So I'm thinking all of this was some sort of joke that McCain played on the interviewer. Or at least I did think that until one of his aides felt compelled to defend his boss' technology illiteracy.

"You don't actually have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country," McCain aide Mark Soohoo said. [...] John McCain is aware of the Internet. This is a man who has a very long history of understanding on a range of issues."

Note to Senator McCain -- computers and the Interweb are not a fad and do not steal your soul. You are an idiot. The fact that you are oblivious to this means you are equally oblivious to an entire generation that has grown up with these technologies. Honestly, computer experience and skills are so basic and fundamental these days that I don't see how anyone is hired for even an entry-level job without them. Even McCain's beloved military uses them (extensively, I might add). Good god, please-oh-please do not let this guy win.

Next blog -- there's good news on the Obama front ...

Dear God, It's Me David James ....

You know it's been a long time since you've blogged when you can't remember your own blog address. Seriously, I should be fired from this job. Oh wait, I'm not paid. Yet. Never mind.

I won't post again about the cool aspects of my new job because, quite frankly, it's not that interesting and is repetitious (as most of this blog is, I guess). I will return to work snark, since most people can relate and, quite frankly, I am better at snarkiness than sycophantic commentary.

So I've started to work one day a week from the San Francisco office, which is huge because there is very little commute involved and the city is great. Nothing against Palo Alto, but it's not like I work near the cool area and there are only so many times that I can go to the same taqueria for lunch.

So I'm working from San Francisco, where we share a floor with some other tenants. Actual office space is at a premium and everyone shares offices, so I don't have any reserved or exclusive space based on my periodic visits.

This morning I had a conference call which began at 8:30 and, as always, I got to the office minutes beforehand. Scrambling to find some space other than the kitchen to take the call, the receptionist opened one of the shared offices and assured me that the people had been out all week.

As is always my luck, one of the true office holders shows up about 30 minutes into the call. Since all the offices are shared, it's not a big deal and we each settle into our own work areas.

I go back to focusing on my call when I start to notice that my office worker is wearing perfume. A lot of it. And it's not a soft, subtle perfume. Rather, it's a fairly potent old lady perfume which, evidently, is sold by the pint. It's a cross between Bloomingdale's fragrance section and a convalescent home.

Bless her heart, she's a very nice person but I find myself getting somewhat dizzy by the fumes. And every time she moves even slightly, the odor quickly spreads again through the 8'x10' office. Ugh.

I keep holding the coffee cup up to my face, pretending to take a sip but I'm really using it as a masking agent. It's akin to how drug smugglers use coffee beans to throw off drug-sniffing dogs by disguising the scent of cocaine, except in this case it's keeping me from going blind. Oh well, if I never post again you all will know what happened to me.

It's not me, it's her.

Grim Wednesday

I am slowly coming to the sad and sickening conclusion that there is a very real chance that John McCain will be elected as our next President. My rationale for my depressing opinion will follow in a separate post, when I have more time to write. But for now, click on the above picture to see his short list of potential VP candidates. I got it from a relatively good source (thanks VMD!), so I'm pretty sure it's authentic.

Raven-McCain 2008!

Tuesday Work Musings

So I have a short break between insanely early morning meetings, which gives me a chance to write a quick update about my new job.

So far, I love my new job. The people I work with are professional, polite and smart. Very smart. I work mostly with researchers and scientists, and these people are ridiculously smart and talented. To the point where I am starting to believe that I am the dumbest person at my job. They'll start talking about some crazy technology or licensing issues, and I know that my face conveys that I am a total idiot in comparison. I swear, even the receptionist knows more about patents than me.

This is in stark comparison to the folks I used to work with in my old job, some of whom I am confident were borderline retarded. Because of that, it doesn't feel like I've used my brain much the past couple of years. In comparison, I've already learned a ton of new stuff here, which is great. The subject matter is new and the environment in which I am learning is almost academic, which is appropriate since much of my work is dealing with universities.

I know, I know. Many jobs start off great and then tail off. But so far, so good. And it's nice not to have a narcissistic, insecure, bipolar asshole screaming at you for not reading his mind.

Separated at Birth - Donatella Versace

.. and Janet from "The Muppet Show."

See if you can figure out which one is the Italian fashion designer and which one is the lead guitarist for the Electric Mayhem.



Hint #1: the heiress to the Versace throne is the surgically enhanced human that looks like a cartoon character. The other one is an actual cartoon character made of cloth. Whoops, guess that didn't help at all.

Hint #2: Try not to stare too long at the real Donatella or else you'll go blind. Seriously, it's like staring at the sun during a solar eclipse, but minus the piece of cardboard with the pinhole in it.

Happy Mothers Day

Observed on the second Sunday in May, Mother's Day is an annual holiday honoring florists, and marks the final date where retailers can rid themselves of the stale chocolates and heart-clutching teddy bears left over from Valentine's Day.

Seriously, it's a great holiday to remember one's mother. Here's wishing mothers (Kate, JP, and DG) and mothers-to-be (MS) a very happy Mother's Day. You are all fantastic moms and I hope you have a great day with your families.

Best Regards,
David James

Happy Friday

Don't ask me how ... but I somehow stumbled across this gem late last night and, after watching it approximately, I can conclusively state that it's the best dog movie I've ever seen. Seriously, if this movie doesn't make you laugh, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Now I will admit that the dogs were treated in a very un-PETA-like way in order to get them to act this way. But if we as a country are willing to look past waterboarding and other inhumane torture, I'm sure we can turn a blind eye to the director's motivational tactics in this film. Besides, the shit is funny.

Happy Wednesday

So working for a Finnish-based company, you often time have conference calls at odd times -- 6:00 a.m., 10:00 p.m. and the like. It's not a big deal because I can take them from home, as I do tonight where we are having our bi-weekly group call. The bad side is that Wednesday night is also rugby night, which is also a drinking night ... and then it's a conference call night ... and ..., well, you get the idea.

You would be proud of me, though. Tonight, I was very disciplined. I went to rugby practice, had a post-practice beer and headed home to get some dinner before my 10:00 call.

Until the point in time when I thought "well it would be a shame to eat dinner without a glass of wine."

And then I was like "well, my call is starting in 15 minutes, I'd better level off my glass since this call is going to last a hour."

Well as you can guess, David James was feeling pretty good during his call. Damn good, in fact, and the call was going fine, until I was suddenly asked "so what's going on with you, David James?"

Now normally I'm not so great when I'm put on the spot. It's even worse when I'm totally blindsided, I've had a couple of drinks, not to mention the fact that I am desperately trying to update this blog at the same time I sit on the call.

In my head I thought, "Jesus people, I have a world-wide blog audience that I am trying to satisfy here, folks. Stop harshing my mellow with all the work questions!!"

And what I said was more along the lines of "sure, let me update folks on the call about my current projects. Right now, I'm working on ...."

There are times when I want to shoot myself. This would be one of them.

Happy Wednesday / Thursday / whatever day you read this ...

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo, ninos y ninas! It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a new post. Oh wait, you're telling me it's Monday? Jesus, I am horrible at keeping track of time these days.

So in today's "News of the Awful," it was announced that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds had just gotten engaged over the weekend. Reynolds is a slight upgrade over Josh Hartnett in that he isn't quite so squinty and disheveled. For Reynolds, this represents a massive upgrade over his last fiancee, Alanis Morissette. Hey Ryan, can you choose my next Powerball lottery numbers for me?

Normally, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to type such tragic news, but I figure that his washboard abs and a pearly-white teeth will get old after a while, and then the charm of my ..., uhhh, not so washboard abs and less-than-perfect teeth will woo her over. Ugh, never mind. I'm going to go drink now.

Holy Shit, A New Post!

Since it's been at least a week since my last post (I don't even want to look at the date), it must mean that it's time for the obligatory post to let people know that I am still alive and well, despite my advanced age and insane amount of travel the past two weeks. I've been derelict in my writing duties, with most of my otherwise free time lost to my new job which requires me to focus during the day time (as well as drive to every day). The carefree days of working from home and focusing more on my Wii bowling score than my personal grooming are a thing of the past, boys and girls. Goodbye midday grilled cheese sandwiches and work wardrobe consisting of shorts and t-shirts. Hello collared shirts and non-Nike shoe apparel. Oh well. On the plus side, they have a fully stocked fridge, ample caffeine and free working lunches twice a week.

So far, I *really* like my job. I won't say "love," because that special word is reserved for truly special things, like unicorns and Scarlett Johansson. But I think that I'm going to really enjoy working here. The people are very nice and professional, and extremely smart. To the point where I wonder if I am the dumbest person working for the company. I'm not insecure by nature, but I sometimes wonder how I lucked out and got this job. It's insanely better than my last job. I'm learning new things each day and am actually using my brain for the first time in years it seems. So far, so good.

[ Editor's note - for the eight people that regularly read this blog, please make sure to bookmark today's entry for future reference when David James posts his umpteenth comment about how crazy his company is and how longs for a new job. We're putting the over/under at 20 months. ]

More Travel Funnery

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

So after I posted yesterday, I hopped on a plane from Vienna (which for the life of me, I will always associate with Virginia rather than Austria) to Helsinki for the last leg of travel. After ingesting some sort of mystery sandwich, I quickly passed out to make up for my profound lack sleeplessness. After about 40 minutes of blissful napping, I was awakened by some sort of commotion in the plane. I awake sluggishly and look to my right to find that the woman sitting across the aisle from me is throwing up. Flight attendants are trying to help the bulimic woman as she empties her stomach, while passengers looked upon the situation with concern.

Was I concerned? No, unless by concern you mean "horrified and annoyed."

Hey honey, would it have killed you to get out of your seat and take care of your business in the bathroom, which was located DIRECTLY BEHIND your seat? Seriously, we're talking about 3 feet. It's not like someone asked you to land the fucking plane, simply exit your seat and scurry right behind you so we don't all have to see and smell the contents of your stomach?

Jesus Christ, why does this shit always happen to me?

The Birthday Man Cometh ....

It finally happened.

No, not death by travel-induced exhaustion.

I turned 40 today. I spent my traditional birthday weekend in New York with good friends. It was a great time, highlighted by my performing karaoke with a live band at 2:00 a.m. in a New York bar. Suffice it to say, it wasn't my best performance (in fact, I was terrible), but it was a lot of fun.

But that was this past weekend and today (Monday) is my actual birthday. So how did I celebrate my actual birthday? Well so far, I spent it on a plane sitting next to a very nice, elderly Austrian man on a flight from New York to Vienna (on my way back to Helsinki) watching "The Hitman" over and over, unable to fall asleep. Meanwhile, my new friend who looked at "Enchanted" more than once. I say "looked at" instead of "watched" because he never put on his headphones. He simply stared at the screen. Old people are funny like that.

I've been bracing myself for this day for a while. I'm not sure what I expected would happen -- would gray hair immediately sprout out of my head? Would liver spots appear overnight? Would I start to walk hunched over with a limp?

In actuality, I feel and look the same as I did yesterday. But it's somehow anti-climactic. My friends know that I hate being the center of attention, but for once I'd like to have some sort of party. I mean, I'm fucking 40 now. By all reasonable estimates, my life is half over. I secretly would really like a big dinner with friends on my actual birthday. Instead, today I'll soon be back in Helsinki, the land of the vowels. I'll probably have dinner with my new boss (who I really like a lot), who is also in town this week. It's not quite the birthday bash I dreamed of, but it's better than eating alone again in a restaurant filled with people named Teppo and Paivi.

I'm still wildly lucky to have great family and friends, so I'll stop my complaining and go back to trying to quench my endless thirst for caffeine. Who needs sleep when you can drink coffee instead?

Dear Audience, It's Me Margaret

So if a blog in the forest isn't posted to, does it make a sound?

It's been a loooong time since I've posted and a bunch of stuff has happened over the past two weeks:

* I finally finished up at my old job.
* While I was on vacation in between jobs, I caught some sort of bird flu/SARS/Ebola virus, which totally laid me out. Its been a long time since I've been this sick, which is now on its 9th day. At times I doubted I would live to make it to 40 (which is right around the corner).
* I bought a new car and otherwise spent way too much money.
* I started my new job this past Tuesday, and so far, it's a vast improvement over the past job. Employees like their jobs, my boss is nice and normal, and the work is interesting. Throw in ample amounts of free caffeine and it's pretty idyllic. I'm sure I will soon loath the commute, but for now it's manageable.
* I head to Finland on Sunday for 2 weeks of meetings and training.
* In between those 2 weeks, I will fly back to New York for my annual birthday weekend. Drunklairity to ensue.

So that's basically it in a nutshell. I'm still getting acclimated at work, but I will actually have the time and health to post more frequently. Jesus, I've just got to believe there will be some decent content as a result of my 40+ hours of flying that's scheduled over the next two weeks. And it can't be any worse than the past two weeks.

Éirinn go brách!

Geez, where were we? Oh yeah, I quit this past Friday. I took the advice of Kate, DerekB and others and decided to take the high road when I resigned. I was pretty nervous about giving notice, but it went just fine and we were both gracious and said the right things. My last day is supposed to be next Tuesday but it feels like I've stopped working already. Email is barely trickling in and I'm so mentally checked out that it's ridiculous.

The only down side was that I didn't really get a chance to celebrate on Friday because we had a 9:00 a.m. rugby game (which we ended up winning 85-0, photo of me being chased is below), so I had to take it easy that night. However, I intend to make up for that tonight as it's St. Patrick's Day.



Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona (Happy St. Patrick's Day to You)!

Blog It, Friendo

I would do a "Separated At Birth" with Javier Bardem (from "No Country or Old Men") and my boss ... but I'm too much of a chicken shit to post his actual photo. Give me a couple of weeks and I'll show you the staggering comparison, especially the hair which is identical. They also sync up nicely, personality-wise, based on the movie. It's fucking eerie.

The Final Countdown

My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."
Kevin Spacey, "American Beauty"

I will be giving my resignation notice this Friday and I've been struggling a bit with what to say. Should I be honest about my opinion about my boss and what a psychotic, abusive prick he is? If so, I would draft my resignation letter a bit like this:

"Dear Human Resources,

It is with great joy and relief that I hereby submit my resignation effective March 25, 2008. While I have enjoyed working with many of the folks here at *****, my job has basically devolved into a lower level of hell while working for *** *** (a/k/a "The Bipolar Bear"). I would rather stick my hand in a wood chipper than ever work for this man again.

Regards,
David James"

Or do I just keep it simple and professional and exit gracefully? While I have no issues with burning bridges here such that you can see the smoke and embers for miles, I really don't think it will make any difference whatsoever. Everyone already knows he's an abusive asshole, I don't know that my reiteration is necessary (although it would be nice).

I'm really on the fence on this one so I would appreciate your suggestions.

Separated at Birth - Janet Jackson

And in this corner we have Janet Jackson (Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty):


... and in the other corner, we have Senor Wences (s'allright? s'allright!):



Sweet lord in heaven, Janet, what the hell have you done to your hair? If you were aiming for the superbangs-mop combination wig look, you certainly found it. And despite the crazy hairstyle, she's still probably gets my vote as the sanest one of the Jackson Family. Good god, I can't believe I typed that. I think I need a drink now.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Here it is boys and girls, my last work trip to St. Louis. Actually, I can say my last trip to Missouri ever because, having seen there multiple times, there's no way I would ever voluntarily go back and visit. I would charitably describe the state as an armpit. But what does St. Louis have to do with Torcher the lion dog? I have no idea. But he looks as bewildered as I will look happy when I get on the return flight to California on Tuesday. Fifteen days to resignation day.

Yesterday was Saturday. And Saturday is a rugby day. And with rugby days, bring injuries. The injury d'jour is my eye, which I managed to smash onto some guy's knee while I was kneeling on the ground. Silly me. The eye is swollen but the double vision has subsided. Still, I imagine that my eye is in way better shape than his knee. Should be fun times when the cabin pressure makes my eye swell up like a balloon. Can't wait.

Tales of my St. Louis follies to follow...

Obama Takes Wisconsin and Hawaii

Yesterday was more good news for Obama, who won both the Wisconsin Democratic primary and the Hawaii caucuses last night, extending his winning streak to ten consecutive contests and dealing another significant blow to Clinton, whose candidacy now hangs on the outcome in Ohio and Texas. She's lost two of her key aids and is struggling to find her voice and regain momentum. Some have suggested that, for all intents and purposes, this race is over. Pundits have suggested that it's inevitable she go with negative attack ads, but she doesn't want to further increase her own negative approval rating as she could easily be the next Senate majority leader or potentially the nominee in 2012.

If Ohio and Texas do not go extremely well for her, at what point in time does she accept this and move on for the sake of unity and in the spirit of winning in November. I like both candidates, but the last thing I want to see is the two of them tearing each other down and depleting their campaign funds during the primary process. This election is for all the marbles, boys and girls. Let's hope the Dems don't screw it up again (see, 2000 and 2004).

The Perv of Wales (Revisited)

"Ms. Johannson, meet Sir Charles, the Perv of Wales."

"Sir Charles, meet Scarlett Johannson's boobs."

Here's The Deal

So I said I would post over the weekend -- and then, as always, I let down my readership (which is a cool term and implies that there are more than, say, six people reading this thing). No surprise there for those that have known me over the years. I am blond and from California, which makes me both dizzy and flaky, I guess.

Anyway, so here's the deal with the new job. I just accepted a position working for a large Scandinavian mobile devices company (whose name rhymes with "Mokia") supporting their research scientists and engineering groups. I know it sounds boring, but it's actually very cool, innovative product work that I would be working on (goodbye sales channel) and the people I've met with all seem very nice, normal and bright. I know, a stark contrast from my current situation where many of the people I work with couldn't spell "cat" if I spotted them the C and the A. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration but folks are definitely not splitting atoms at my company.

Anyway, I'm going to work on totally different projects, for a normal, respected company, and will even get to do some international travel. Next month I will go to Finland for two weeks, the dates I am still working on in order to make the annual New York birthday drunkfes ..., uhh, trip.

So the blog will change somewhat, as I won't be able to provide inane reports about my raving asshole boss, nor my thrilling sojourns to St. Louis. Goodbye Shit Louis, hello freezing Scandinavian country with 6 hours of sunlight in the winter. I'll still have crazy travel stories, but they'll involve people with funny accents and wooden shoes (that is Finland, right?).

By the way, enjoy this post while it lasts. I'm hesitant to discuss my new job, partly due to my innate paranoia that my bipolar boss will find out and fire me before my annual bonus is paid out (only 23 more days until March 14!) and partly due to my own equally irrational fear that I will somehow jinx things or wake up from my dream. But given that I met with them again today, saw where my office would be, ordered my computer and fancy new phone, I'm guessing that I only thing I really have to worry about is the BPB finding out and immediately firing me. I *know* the chance of that are remote, but he would totally do it if he found out. And if it did happen, the odds would be just as good that I would immediately fly to STL with a blowtorch and some pliers in order to go medieval on someone's ass. So let's just hope that doesn't happen so it doesn't put an unsightly blotch on my background check.

February 14th Day

Today is a very special day, because it marks the 30 day countdown to the day that (1) I receive my annual bonus, and (2) I get to notify my company my bipolar boss that I am no longer working for his insane ass. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day, too. Happy Valentine's Day, kiddies!

Yes We Can

You might have already seen Black Eyed Peas' frontman Will.i.am's video based on Barack Obama's "Yes We Can" speech. Directed by Bob Dylan's son, the video also includes Scarlett Johansson, John Legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Common, Herbie Hancock, Tatyana Ali and others as they recite and sing lines from Obama's New Hampshire primary speech over top of the Senator's original delivery, as seen on split screen. It's a bit corny, but I thought it was pretty cool and original nonetheless:



That is, I used to think it was cool and original .... until I saw that he blatantly ripped off the original version from John McCain:



Jesus christ, I honestly don't know how Will.i.am sleeps at night given such outright theft and plagarism. They should call his group the "Black Eyed Thieves!"

McCain/Huckabee 08-- they’re original, not to mention compassionate conservatives!

Potomac Primary

Today voters in Maryland, Virginia and the District of Columbia will vote in the region's much-anticipated "Potomac Primary," which is turning into one of the most closely contested presidential races ever. Clinton has a slim delegate lead while Obama has the overall state lead (19-13).

Obama is favored to sweep the vote on Tuesday which will leave him in a virtual dead heat with Clinton. March 4 will be the next big primary date, where voters in Texas and Ohio will cast their votes. Like many Democrats, I've been really divided over the candidates. I mean, once Dodd dropped out, what was the point?

Obviously, I would prefer either candidate over GW fuckwit, but at this point I lean towards Obama, although it's admittedly for intangible descriptors like "hope," "charisma" and "leadership." I also think that Clinton is unelectable, as she would be a lightening rod for the Conservative Right and perceived as a divisive candidate whose moderate record is eerily similar to McCain's. And we saw what happened when "moderate Al Gore" ran against "moderate GWB." Hello eight years of misery.

But if I'm honest with myself, he's really not experienced enough to be president -- he has eight years experience in the Illinois Senate and only two years in the U.S. Senate. And if I'm further honest with myself, I really worry that many voters in this country are still backwards enough to vote for McCain because of his skin color (i.e., pasty white). But I'm getting ahead of myself, there's a nomination to earn first and he's barely half way there.

Ash-tastic Wednesday

So today starts the first day of Lent. By now you know I'm not overly religious (unless by "overly religious," you mean "crazy atheistic"). But I did go to Catholic school for four years and am aware that there are 40 days of Lent follow Fat Tuesday. Now I've heard stories of what my devout (and not so devout) Catholic friends have given up for Lent - alcohol, sugar, etc.

And while I'm not overly Catholic (see above definition), I am pretty strong-willed and believe I could give up almost anything for 40 days. However, my inspiration for such would be in the form of a wager -- not some sort of divine penance.

Alcohol? Television? Junk food? Not a problem.

But despite my braggadocio, there are definitely a few things that I wouldn't be able to give up for 40 days:

1) Caffeine. I've tried it a couple of times and the closest I've been able to get is to give up coffee but not sodas (or vice versa). The first time I tried it I was moving in slow motion, like I was swimming in a sea of honey, and my head felt like it was full of wool. I would sooner give up breathing for 40 days than give up caffeine cold turkey.

2) YouTube. I'm not going to lie, my work productivity would probably be markedly improved if I had no access to YouTube. But then I would have less filler for this blog and I wouldn't be able to post great finds such as this:



3) Meat and Dairy. So I was working out at my insane gym the other night when I spotted a guy with a long ponytail wearing a white t-shirt with a hand-drawn message "Eat Vegan: Ask Me Why?." He was also sporting a "Meat is Murder" button which I found ironic since he was wearing leather shoes. Putting aside his tool-like hypocrisy, I asked myself the question "Could I give up all meat and dairy for thirty days?" and the answer was a resounding "no fucking way." Seriously, 96% of my diet probably falls within the broad category of meat and dairy. What's let? Legumes and tofu? Hmmm, I wonder what the best way is to prepare barley?

4) Britney Spears. Look, it's not like I want to learn anything more about America's favorite celebrity trainwreck, it's simply that you can't surf the Internet without seeing reading about her. Seriously, I dare folks to try. So unless I'm going to give up the Internet for 40 days, this one is simply unavoidable.

Let me know what's on your "oh hell no" list.

Arlen Specter, Thy Name is Asshole

When it comes to national affairs, there are important matters for Congress. Like getting the hell out of Iraq. Like balancing the budget and reducing our insane debt.

And then there are REALLY important matters for Congress.

Like maintaining the integrity of professional football.

This past Friday, Senator Arlen Specter called on the NFL to explain why it destroyed evidence from the New England Patriots about a cheating scandal involving the surreptitious taping of other teams.

Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk. "Their antitrust exemption has been on my mind for a long time," he said in a Capitol Hill news conference Friday.

And while the CIA's destruction of interrogation tapes is a far more alarming and important issue, Specter instead chooses to focus on the NFL issue. "I do believe that it is a matter of importance. It's not going to displace the stimulus package or the Iraq war, but I think the integrity of football is very important, and I think the National Football League has a special duty to the American people -- and further the Congress -- because they have an antitrust exemption."

Give Specter credit for being able to distinguish between the impending national recession and the Iraq war and a sport. Well done, Arlen, for being able to differentiate between night and day.

Specter went on to overreach the relevance of Congressional involvement by saying, "I don't think you have to have a law broken to have a legitimate interest by the Congress on the integrity of the game. … What if there was something on the tapes we might want to be subpoenaed, for example? You can't destroy it. That would be obstruction of justice."

As noted previously, Specter evidently has a huge hard-on for getting into the shorts of the NFL. Sure, I would rather them waste time focusing on professional sports than, say, wasting billions of dollars "securing our borders" from the illegal immigrants. But, fuck, let's get our priorities straight here. Of course, if Specter is deluded enough to co-author the controversial and implausible Warren Commission report ("Single bullet, fuck yeah!"), then he's liable to believe that unicorns are ticketing his car. Who knows.

Super Tuesday

Well, this is it boys and girls. Today votes in California, New York, Illinois, Colorado (what's up Denver?) and other states will cast their vote for the Democratic presidential nominee. Democrat delegates are won in proportion to a candidate's percentage of the vote, which will make it difficult for Hillary or Barack to pull very far ahead. Still, it will be a very telling day and by the end we should have a front-runner for the Democratic presidential nominee.

Clinton sports leads in three of the big four: California, NY and NJ, while Obama leads in Illinois. In California, her lead is very narrow. So if you care who you're next Democratic presidential nominee is going to be, so get out and vote. And then start inhaling gumbo and Hurricanes because it's Fat Tuesday, after all.

Omen-tastic Monday

So I just received two magazines in the mail -- the same day I had yet another phone interview -- and on the covers are the following articles:

"How To Ace Your Next Job Interview"
"It's Time To Break Up With Your Boss"

Now granted, I could have written the second article ("Dear Crazy Boss, fuck off. Sincerely, David James), but methinks that this is an omen.

I quickly scanned the first article, which was pretty normal fare. I think things went well, but then I thought that there was no way that Gore would lose to GW. I hope to god that I'm not so mistaken this time.

I'm Off..

... to meet with a prospective employer today. Wish me luck and hope that there are no questions like this during the meeting (warning: it has Richard Pryor in it, so there is some NSFW-ish language):


As an aside, I'm not sure if I should be more surprised that censors allowed this to Saturday Night Live skit to air 30 years ago or that there would be absolutely no way that this would make it on network TV today. Absolutely zero chance.

Mitt, Mitt, Go Away...

A funny thing happened on the way to the White House ... Romney stumbled in Florida, Guiliani's candidacy is now officially dead (thank god), and it looks like we may have a potential McCain vs. Obama/Clinton showdown.

After watching this video of Mitt Romney actually effortlessly connecting with African American people, it's hard to imagine how anyone could choose decrepit McCain over Romney. It's smooth and non-forced interaction such as this that has Presidential material written all over it.



It's barely a half minute long, but it's really one of the most difficult things to watch. Seriously, I would rather watch my parents having sex than watch this again. I would *love* to see Romney trot out his "who let the dogs out?" routine with Obama. That would be fucking priceless.