Ode to a Celebrity's Father

Mike Myers' indicated that his recent movie The Love Guru is a tribute to his late father. His father Eric died in 1991 following a long battle with Alzheimer's disease. The comedian admits he was so devastated by the loss he embarked on a journey of self-discovery to help him cope. And it was during this time in his life that he was inspired to create the character of "The Guru."

Myers explains, "I was devastated by his death. When my father died, I went on a little spiritual quest, just to try and make sense of it all. And, in many ways, The Love Guru is honoring him by dealing with his loss, because making silly movies is how I deal with things."

You know, I really hope that when I die, my son will be so moved to write, produce and act in such a jaw-droppingly bad awful movie. "Hey dad, I loved you so much that I made this turd of a movie to remember you by!" Jessica Alba could be riding around nude on a pegasus and I still wouldn't have any desire to see the film. Seriously, I would rather watch a video of my own prostate exam than watch this movie. But then again, it would help explain his other awful tribute films as "The Cat in the Hat," "Shrek the Third" and "Wayne's World 2."

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo, ninos y ninas! It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a new post. Oh wait, you're telling me it's Monday? Jesus, I am horrible at keeping track of time these days.

So in today's "News of the Awful," it was announced that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds had just gotten engaged over the weekend. Reynolds is a slight upgrade over Josh Hartnett in that he isn't quite so squinty and disheveled. For Reynolds, this represents a massive upgrade over his last fiancee, Alanis Morissette. Hey Ryan, can you choose my next Powerball lottery numbers for me?

Normally, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to type such tragic news, but I figure that his washboard abs and a pearly-white teeth will get old after a while, and then the charm of my ..., uhhh, not so washboard abs and less-than-perfect teeth will woo her over. Ugh, never mind. I'm going to go drink now.

More Travel Funnery

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

So after I posted yesterday, I hopped on a plane from Vienna (which for the life of me, I will always associate with Virginia rather than Austria) to Helsinki for the last leg of travel. After ingesting some sort of mystery sandwich, I quickly passed out to make up for my profound lack sleeplessness. After about 40 minutes of blissful napping, I was awakened by some sort of commotion in the plane. I awake sluggishly and look to my right to find that the woman sitting across the aisle from me is throwing up. Flight attendants are trying to help the bulimic woman as she empties her stomach, while passengers looked upon the situation with concern.

Was I concerned? No, unless by concern you mean "horrified and annoyed."

Hey honey, would it have killed you to get out of your seat and take care of your business in the bathroom, which was located DIRECTLY BEHIND your seat? Seriously, we're talking about 3 feet. It's not like someone asked you to land the fucking plane, simply exit your seat and scurry right behind you so we don't all have to see and smell the contents of your stomach?

Jesus Christ, why does this shit always happen to me?