*** Important Public Service Announcement ***

This list of acceptable corporate bathroom behavior is taken verbatim from an article from the Inside St. Louis website. It addresses some of the frightening -- and very real - bathroom faux pas that are committed within the corporate environment. In fact, I noticed a few of these violations when I was in St. Louis this week, so I'm glad that a journalist in the Show Me state is trying to set the record straight.

1.- Observe the Stall Buffer Rule

Without a doubt, THE most popular follow-up Corporate Crapper rule I received through email submissions. Quite frankly, I’m sorry I missed this one the first time around. Let’s deal with it.

Remember, anonymity is the essential intangible in the corporate bathroom experience. As far as I’m concerned, once my pants are opened and my genitalia is exposed to open airways, I don’t have an identity, and neither do you. To support this directive, if at all possible, don’t sit or stand next to someone that’s in mid-excrement cycle.

Granted, the physical nature of the bathroom setup may complicate this entire rule. However, if there’s more than two stalls in your corporate bathroom, try to ensure that there’s a one stall buffer between you and your bathroom mate, if at all possible. If I’m in Stall 3, there’s no reason for you to sit in Stall 2, when Stall 1 is open as well. This buffer zone provides a sense of isolation that is most crucial in dire emergencies.

Some purists even go so far as to enforce a strict Only-1-Dumper-per-Bathroom limit. This can easily be accomplished by going into the bathroom and surveying the competition. If there is a fellow-dumper, simply use the urinal, leave, and try back again in 5 minutes.

2.- Don’t invite company


'Pick an end stall and you drastically reduce the percentage of homoerotic corporate bathroom blunders.'
In conjunction with Rule #1, if we’re in the bathroom together, I don’t want you near me. Sorry, let’s do our thing, and converge later. To support this effort, you can take a proactive effort upon entering an empty bathroom.

Three stalls….don’t pick the middle one.

By picking the middle stall, you’re inviting company around you and any associated awkward-man-moment – conversations at the urinal, the discreet wean-peak, eye contact, etc. Pick an end stall and you drastically reduce the percentage of homoerotic corporate bathroom blunders. Same goes for the stalls. Take a proactive approach to bathroom seclusion.

3.- Dental Hygiene in the Bathroom…um, no

Ok, here’s the deal. I may be getting picky here, but I have a real problem with the people that conduct their daily hygienic routines in the corporate bathrooms. Brushing teeth and using mouthwash are two offenses that I see on a daily basis. I understand, and encourage, efforts of cleanliness, but the office laboratory isn’t a public powder room. Grab a piece of Trident if it's after lunch. If it's in the morning, spend an extra 90 seconds brushing your teeth at home.

Let’s also not overlook the mere physicalities of brushing your teeth in the corporate bathroom. You should not be inserting things into your mouth in the same room where hundreds of random rearends are flowing on a daily basis. Steadfast rule: keep your mouth closed. Ass particles will get in. That’s like eating your lunch in the bathroom. Let’s think here, people.

4.- Here’s an idea: Flush

Much like the “Always Wash Your Hands” rule from the first installment of Corporate Crapper Rules, if it wasn’t abused it wouldn’t need to be said. I know things slip your mind while at work…forgetting a meeting, wrong conference room, etc. But for all things decent, please remember to flush the freaking toilet when you’ve reached completion. Stall or urinal. It doesn’t matter. Number of flushes per capita is directly related to the overall aroma of the corporate bathroom. Streaming piles of stagnant crap isn’t my idea of an inviting odor.

5.- Transporting Reading Material: Be Discreet

I like to occupy myself with good reading material during my daily (semi-daily after Mexican) routine. Who doesn’t? But, I think some ground-rules need to be established for the public transportation of toilet entertainment.

If your reading material cannot be concealed in your pocket or coat, leave them at your desk. Come on man. It’s 1:30 in the afternoon and you’re carrying a newspaper that’s still in the yellow rain-resistant wrapper. Everyone in the office knows where you’re going, and you’re a little too proud. I don’t need to know that my boss is on his way to take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Without being too stereotypical here, ‘public display of toilet reading material guy’ is usually also ‘asshole that isn’t afraid to showcase the decibel level of his gastrointestinal powers’ guy.

6.- Cellphones at the urinal

Yea, I know we covered this in the first Corporate Crapper Guide, but we haven’t made any progress in the last few months. In the first Guide, I discussed the usage of cellphones in the bathroom stalls. While this is most disturbing, at least you’re in masked quarters. Now, I’d like to address the pompous retard that talks on the phone while at the urinal.

You sir, should be beaten for all to see. You are a careless and irresponsible piece of human trash. I loathe you.

This rule is often abused in settings outside of the corporate workspace – ballgames, late nights at bars, etc. – but are not exclusive to extracurricular events. I’ve seen it too many times at the office to ignore. If ever the grade school “push your buddy from behind while he’s peeing so he gets it all over himself” was appropriate, now would be the time. Take advantage.

7.- Zipping-up is not a Public Episode

Stall doors. Urinal guards. These are defined, and to be used as, shields from the general public. Seems to me that all events from the creation to the finality of the bathroom cycle should be accomplished behind these cozy safeguards.

With that being said, what gives you the idea to finish a jam session without fully tucking in or zipping up? I don’t get it. If you were to walk to the printer with your dong flapping in the wind, you would be immediately escorted out of the building. That’s a little creepy. And gay.

8.- Urinal Gum Spitters: Karma is a Bitch

‘Cellphone at urinal’ guy, I hate you. ‘Spit gum in urinal’ guy, I wish harm upon you and your family.

What is going on here? This is unacceptable, and should, without question, be a fireable offense at the office. Inexcusable.

There’s a large piece of plastic blocking the hole. Clearly this item has no chance of exiting its surroundings. The only solution is someone reaching their hand into a large basin of piss and removing your carelessness.

Have some compassion, my friend.

That’s like slashing someone else’s tires for no reason…your immature actions are only going to cause someone else heavy distress. Asshole. You’ll get yours.

9.- Always Dispose of Crapping Evidence

I crap. You crap. We crap. Big deal, everyone secretly ‘knows’ about it. But, let’s not make it public. Some instances – a la Rule #5 – can be voluntarily avoided. However, some exploitations are being performed involuntarily, and must be addressed.

If you’re at work right now, chances are, you’re wearing business-casual attire (i.e. sports coat, sweater, dress shirt, etc.). More than likely, this business attire consists of long sleeves. If you’re anything like me, you like to roll up the sleeve on the arm of your wiping-hand.

Upon completion, make sure to roll down your wiping-associated sleeve before exiting the bathroom. The one-sleeve-up look tells all office mates, “I got in deep, and I got in hard”. This is one step away from walking around with toilet paper stuck to your heel. And no ones wants to be that guy.

10.- Respect Other Crapping Territories

I include this one last because it is often the most abused rule in the corporate scene. However, by respecting the aforementioned advice, there is no reason why this very rule cannot be followed as well.

A popular pooping practice at most corporate environments is to venture off the beaten path of your dumping grounds and into the realms of another crapping territory. Another floor, another building…basically away from all things familiar. While this creates a cozy atmosphere for any long-winded steamer, you’re promoting violation of the previous rules stated in this guide. You're more likely to be careless on foreign terrain. Littering, clogging, boogers on the wall, misuse of the courtesy flush….and that’s not good for the overall corporate crapping experience. Play the hand you’re dealt with, follow the rules, and hang on for the ride.

Moreover, in small corporate environments, there’s nothing worse than confronting occupied stalls in a dire time of need. Having alien poopers on your floor only provokes this occurrence.