Okay, most of us would agree that Valentine’s Day is the lamest of all of the artificial holidays. But a lot of people out there still feel some angst because they are alone or unhappy on this Hallmark Profit Day. Well let me tell you, ladies, it could be far worse.
An Iowa man recently ran afoul of the law last week and was charged with first-degree kidnapping and domestic assault on his own wife. You can almost picture this lovely chap being arrested on “Cops” wearing a wife-beater shirt and sporting a mullet.
Oh, it gets even better/worse. Prosecutors also allege that he devised a marriage contract -- which he entitled the "Contract of Wifely Expectations” -- which established what his wife had to do and when she had to do it. In the contract, his wife had certain “wifely duties” (“You will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed”) and hygiene obligations ("You will shave every third day”). Like any well drafted agreement, the contract also gave his wife chances to earn credits (i.e., "good behavior days") by complying with certain demands, including points she could earn by performing certain sex acts. Not surprisingly, his wife claims she never signed the contract.
I wonder if this hopeless romantic had the foresight to include a “conjugal visits” clause. Ahhh, true love….
N.B. Happy Valentine’s Day, Jessica. Sorry I couldn’t be with you, but I had to go to St. Louis for work. Plus, that Cash Warren dude still seems to be in the picture. Oh, and we’ve never met. I almost forgot about that last one. Don’t worry, we’ll work through these issues.
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7 comments:
If by "child porn," you mean the recent Vanity Fair cover featuring a naked Scarlett Johansson and Kiera Knightley, then I agree.
i thought "wifely duty" is pretty simple - to be fruitful and multiply & serve our husbands like kings.. and that the "truth", itself, is binding.. no contracts required.. Anyhow, that particular contract needs to be updated with "both parties" must.. hygiene, nudity, etc.. the wifey probably would've signed that! the guy's SICK for downloading child porn though.. and i guess just sick in general.. I hope he gets the max.
"If by "child porn," you mean the recent Vanity Fair cover featuring a naked Scarlett Johansson and Kiera Knightley, then I agree."
ho-lee CRAP - that cover is soooooooooooo smokin' hot.
Ridiculously hot. I know there are some that think that Scarlett is too heavy by Hollywood standards, but I think they're crazy. She is smoking hot. I hope she never goes on the Lindsay Lohan "coke and oxygen" diet.
To Anonymous #2 ~
Evidently his main problem was leaving a signature line for his Mrs., when he should have just stuck to the "no contract required" approach you pointed out. My guess is that no amount of "man-scaping" would make that asshole even remotely attractive. I hope his cellmate's contract isn't equally as bad (e.g., "you will be naked within 20 minutes of lights out", "you will regularly de-louse").
i left the theater after "lost in translation" feeling like someone had punched me. i had never seen her before and she blew me away.
yeah, she ends up looking like lara flynn boyle and i'm gonna beat someone down.
i hear you. i got distracted when i tried to google the picture of her in the opening scene, but got distracted.
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