"Really Honey, You Shouldn't Have ..."

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Jon Stewart to the Rescue

In the latest news of the great, Jon Stewart is set to host the 80th Academy Awards in February. The host of "The Daily Show" took charge of the Oscars for the first time when he presented the 78th Academy Awards. Telecast producer Gilbert Cates says, "Jon was a terrific host for the 78th Awards. He is smart, quick, funny, loves movies and is a great guy. What else could one ask for?"

[ Editor's note - If Stewart is so "smart, quick and funny" explain to me why where we subjected to Ellen DeGeneres last year? ]

Stewart adds, "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm!"

Of course this gives me the perfect opportunity to post a totally unrelated YouTube clip (a/k/a "blog filler") of Jon Stewart sorting out U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East. Ta da!

I Am Frightened ...

So I just found out that my department will be having a mandatory retreat in the Ozarks in early November. Yes, David James is headed back to Missouri, kiddos. Hello freezing weather and awkward three hour bus ride with the Bipolar Bear. God, I am not looking forward to this trip and am positively frightened about spending 48 hours in what I can only imagine is a scene out of Deliverance. God help us all.

Other random things that scare me:

* Ray Lewis (circa 1999)
* Naked guys who eat tofu hot dogs
* Amy Winehouse
* This catfish:

Cal 45, Tennessee 31

My California Golden Bears avenged last year's season-opening loss to Tennessee by trashing them 45-31 yesterday in Berkeley. In the game, DeSean Jackson had this insane 77 yard punt return, where he repeatedly juked his way free in a series of moves on the way to the end zone. And despite Brent Musberger's atrocious call ("Shake and bake!"), I could watch this video over and over again.

And in fact, I have.

Week In Review

Wow, what a crazy week this has been. On the bright side, I have friends that are having babies and quitting jobs they loathe (congratulations again to Kate and JP, respectively). On the negative side, others of us have been dealing with sick parents, crazy bosses, insanely hot weather and jobs that they loath (but unfortunately cannot quit).

Speaking of jobs, I returned this week after a 24-hour trip to STL, which included a stilted 3-hour (!) dinner with my boss followed by an inane 6-hour meeting the following day. It was during the same trip where two co-workers were almost brought to tears by my insane boss. He also made another person almost miss his plane flight out of St. Louis so he could visit his family for one day before he heading to Singapore for a week to work on some crazy deal. My boss kept him at the office an extra half hour -- while a cab was outside waiting to take him to the airport -- talking about non-substantive stuff that could have been handled over the phone on the way to the airport.

You can't even comprehend the feeling I have each time when I leave -- it's an odd combination of utter joy, sheer exhaustion, couple with a significant dose of disgust (from the food, the people, the airport, the weather). It's like that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank Prison -- "Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too." Leaving STL is really very similar to that experience, it's shitty and no one else wants to imagine what it's like. The only thing missing is the part where I retire to Mexico and live off a boat there.

What's Going On ....

So quick update, my dad was doing a bit better this weekend after going to the ER on Friday afternoon. He was in pretty good spirits today, which happens to be his 67th birthday. So I swung by with the kids this afternoon, with gift and birthday cupcake in hand. It was the cupcake purchase which led to the following interaction with my youngest progeny:

O: "Who's that cupcake for?"
Me: "That's for grandpa's birthday."
O (sounding like a young Veruca Salt): "I want a cupcake, too!!!"
Me: "Well it's grandpa's birthday, so why don't we let him eat it?"
O (thinking fast): "But that cupcake won't be good for grandpa, he's sick."

Ahh, my lil' doctor ... always looking out for her patients' best interests. I never knew that they started putting some sort of kidney rejection serum into cupcakes! Not only was she alert enough to warm me of the latent danger, she was also gracious enough to offer to dispose of the harmful baked good. And to think I was never made aware by his doctors. So go suck on that Stanford Hospital!

Worst. Conference. Call. Ever

Dearsweetlordjesusinheaven, please kill me. I'm working with my crazy boss to make some changes to a contract document, and it's just brutal. I'm in minute 90 of a what will be a three hour call. I imagine a bear mauling would be more comfortable. And about 10 minutes ago, he uttered the fantastic line "we've almost got the contract down to one page, that would be hot."

"Hot?" really, would it be hot? Funny, I never thought of contract documents as possessing personal qualities such as hot, cool or sweet. Also, what 48-year old man talks like that? It's like I'm on a call with Paris Hilton, except she would know more about contract law. Zing!

I'm Back

So real quick, I made it back from my vacation to Ireland (had a good time but am exhausted) and then I found out that my dad had a kidney transplant the day I was returning (he's doing okay). So while there's a lot to write about, I'm not much in the mood. Sorry about that, but I will write further shortly.

Good Morni..., uhhh, Afternoon

It's only 2:00 and already it's been a long day. I'm wrapping up (or at least trying to) a bunch of stuff before I go on vacation and I keep thinking of stuff I need to do. Oh well, shit will be waiting for me here when I get back I guess. I'm not certain that I will be able or inclined to post anything while I'm on vacation, so this might be the last bit you hear from me until late next week (or if the plane crashes, ever). I should have some good travel stories, though, to share if I make it back safely. Chat with you soon.

Helps A-Comin' for GW!

Awesome title and corresponding photo. Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

Let The Good Times Roll

New research from Rutgers University suggests that the combination of exercise and caffeine increased destruction of precancerous cells that had been damaged by the sun's ultraviolet-B radiation. The study of mice indicated that there is a protective effect from both caffeine and voluntary exercise, and when both are combined the protection is even more than the sum of the two. Compared with the control animals, those drinking caffeine had a 95 percent increase in apoptosis in damaged cells. The exercisers showed a 120 percent increase, and the mice that were both drinking and running showed a nearly 400 percent increase.

Putting aside the obvious fantastic news that scientists have somehow discovered how to get mice to drink coffee, this is also a welcome discovery because I will probably have about a 1700 increase in apotosis (whatever that is) based on my caffeine consumption alone. Add in the occasional run, and I figure that purchasing sunscreen is probably a thing of the past, just like dinosaurs. Only, not as scary.

I'm Alive ...

... and still a corporate whore. I appreciate all the cards and letters and well wishings during my recent hiatus. After some back-and-forth last week, I finally turned down the job offer. I analyzed it to death (and thanks to everyone that I called to ask for their advice), but it boiled down to a few simple things - money and, uhhh, well something else I'm sure. Seriously, it was partly due to a proposed pay cut of approximately 15% (ouch), but there were was also some quality of life issues and pros/cons to balance out:

* Proposed job - 80 minute commute each way; daily bathing required; probably can't go barefoot at work; incessant surfing of sports and celebrity gossip websites probably frowned upon; actual physical interaction with other human beings probably a good thing.

* Current job - 30 second commute today; optional grooming habits; and freedom to eat, nap and run errands as I see fit (although I do spend most of my day working, believe it or not); periodic visits to Shit Louis and blog fodder from my bipolar bear boss.

So just like the current administration, I will grit my teeth for the next year or so and hope that the next year won't be as bad as the past eight months. I just hope that my corporate diaper is less full of crap than GW.

This Just In, David James is Still a Corporate Whore ....

I finally had my follow up discussion with potential employer this afternoon. I don't know what was worse, the actual conversation itself ("uhhh, can I pleeeeaassse have some more money") or my procrastinating and postponing it until the very end of the day? I'm sensing the latter. Despite my stammering, inability to articulate and utter greed, he wasn't entirely turned off. He said he would talk to his HR department and make a counter. God I am hoping all this will be quickly resolved, one way or another. Trying to work when I mentally have one foot out the door has been difficult and devoting mental energy and boring friends with my "what do you think" conversations is getting really old. Oh well, I should know more tomorrow (Tuesday). Wheee!

Sunday Reflection

Sorry this blog has gone to shit this past week or so, but I've been busy with work while also heavily debating as to whether to take a new job I was recently offered. As much as I would love to take it and get the hell out of this corporate M*A*S*H unit, it's just too much of a pay cut. I am scheduled to call them tomorrow to tell them what it would take for me to accept, but no matter how I slice the numbers, I'm still taking a financial hit if I leave my current company.

So I've come to the depressing conclusion that unless a miracle happens, I'm stuck with my current employer for another year (349 days to be exact until my options vest). There's actually a lot of things I like about my current job, so hopefully I can focus on those positive things as opposed to contemplating what a complete corporate whore I've become.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Goulet!

Sorry for the video post but: (a) while it's generally due to laziness, in this case I'm slammed with work and (b) it's pretty funny if you like Will Ferrell. Take a gander. New content tomorrow, I promise.

Perv of Wales

Fantastic photo of Prince Charles keeping abreast of military matters (ba dum bum!). It's refreshing to see that Charles still has it at 59 (!) and that Harry and William aren't the only royals getting a little bit of action. There's something about candid royal photos that you just have to love.

*Ow*

And this, boys and girls, is why I chose rugby over training for a decathlon. Well, that and I would suck at like six of the track and field events. But even if I did enter the decathlon, you can be sure as shit that I would pass on the pole vault and save myself for the next mortifying event.


http://view.break.com/329160 - Watch more free videos

The Blog Gets Rated

I just came across a handy little website which gives your blog an MPAA rating. I am proud to announce that mine is NC-17 rated. I'm not sure that I can really improve upon this (is there an NC-31?), but rest assured dear reader(s) that I will do my damnedest to continue to bring you the not-entirely-safe-for-work content you've grown accustomed to over the years.

"Officer, Let Me Explain What I Was Doing With That Duct Tape and Shovel ...."

I am not what you would call a huge fan of the state of Missouri for a number of reasons, many of which are work related and well documented in this blog (Editor’s note: I’ve deleted substantially all of my work-related rants for fear that my employer would discover them. Yes, my new boss makes me paranoid.)

But then I read a fun story like this and I realize "you know, there’s plenty to dislike about the state and its residents without having to rely upon my employer."

Timothy Pentaleri, of Belleville, Missouri, was charged with attempted kidnapping and two counts of attempted harassment/stalking, according to court documents. He allegedly laid out his plan to kidnap a former girlfriend in Minneapolis in a notebook, which included a flow chart, outlining his goal to stun, Mace and "club her hard," according to court documents.

Pentaleri -- an Army officer and, apparently, a total psycho -- showed up at the airport wearing a long-haired wig, a fake mustache and beard when he was stopped and questioned near an airport carousel, according to police. Authorities said he was found carrying a stun gun, three chemical aerosol Mace cans, a folding pocket knife, a set of SUV keys and an expandable baton. Was he arrested? Nope, he was simply issued a trespass notice and dropped off at an area hotel.

Now in most areas, this would be cause for arrest. Jesus, I get strip-searched at the goddamned airport if I carry on more than 3 ounces of liquids. But somehow this nutbag brings a stun gun, mace, pocket knife, and expandable baton to an aiport and gets off with a simple warning. What the fuck? But I have to keep reminding myself that this is Missouri and apparently this kind of thing is commonplace.

The story doesn't stop there though.

Police then reviewed footage from the camera monitoring system in the airport parking ramps and saw Pentaleri walking from the short-term ramp. They located his red GMC SUV parked there. Through the vehicle's window, police could see a duffel bag, a roll of duct tape, a shovel, rope and flex cuffs.

Pretty ordinary fare if you ask me. Honestly, who doesn't have flex cuffs and a shovel in their SUV?

Realizing that this guy might not be your typical Missouri gun nut, police then obtained a warrant to search the inside of the dude's SUV parked at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and found a notebook with a checklist of items inside the vehicle.

Do you think it ever occurred to them that they might have made a mistake in letting him go? Probably not. But wait, the story gets *even* better.

For some reason, the dumbass returned to his vehicle at which point the police stopped him. The searched his duffel bag to find the following items (and I quote "six condoms, a pillow case cut into strips, a camera, a turkey baster, KY oil, a bag of plastic gloves, two bags of zip ties, a package of Bic lighters, two-sided tape, shoe polish, a pair of nylon socks and Clorox disinfectant wipes."

I swear to god, I am not making this shit up. I honestly could not have made up a funnier list of items if I had tried. Two-sided tape and disinfectant wipes? Brilliant. On some level, you really have to admire this guy, either for his attention to detail ("Let's see here .... pillow case pre-cut into strips? Check...") and unbridled optimism (six condoms!). Does this dude know how to party or what? Seriously, this guy is some sort of cross between MacGyver and the A-Team. He doesn't need incarceration -- he needs his own TV show. This guy would blow "Dog The Bounty Hunter" (oh don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) out of the water. All he has to do is grow out his mullet and I swear I'm ordering the pay-per-view package right now.

Separated at Birth - Courtney Love

Here we have a recent photo of the 100% sane / sober / natural Courtney Love:


... and a Kabuki mask.


Seriously, what the hell is going on with Courtney Love's face? I know she's had a lot of work done, but I almost didn't even recognize her. She looks like the Joker, except more cartoon-like. Unfortunately, her disguise was spoiled by her trademarked trout mouth, lion's mane hairstyle, and usual coked-out expression.

And what the fuck is she wearing? By all appearances, she spent a good deal of time selecting her all-white snow queen ensemble, complete with matching leather snow gloves. But jesus christ, couldn't you take a couple of minutes to throw on a bra? Where you in that big a rush to be pose for the paparazzi? Evidently she can't button up your blouse while wearing those crazy snow mittens. Oh wait, on closer inspection it appears that there are no buttons -- it's meant to be worn just like that. Ack!

Good god woman, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my celebrity train wreck list here pretty soon.

Run Forest, Run!

So I went on what I thought would be a short little run in a regional park near where I live. It has trails and some hills and is very tranquil and woodsy. Certainly not the Oakland that everyone imagines.

Before I start off on my run, I double-check the trail map, grab my iPod with a thirty minute playlist of Goth/Country music, and take a final swig of water.

Now I should probably note that even though I've run this park a few times before, I tried a different trail each time so I can't say I'm extremely familiar with all the trails. I am familiar with the parking lot as well as the first mile or so of trail, but it's a bit of crapshoot after that. But I figure so long as I head out and maintain a steady circle, I should be just fine. I think to myself "seriously, how lost can I get in half an hour?"

So I head off on the main trail, make a right and after about 10 minutes I'm running along here:


... make a left, and I'm on this trail ....


... or should it have been a right? Oh well, who cares. I'll find the main path eventually. There are others hiking and riding on this trail, so I pay it no mind and keep running ....


Wow it's really pretty today although this path doesn't look very familiar. Oh well, it's a nice day, I don't have to think about my job and can just think about nothing. Hmmm, am I already getting near the end of my playlist? I guess it was shorter than I thought.


Okay seriously, where the fuck am I? I've been running for 40 minutes and none of this looks familiar at all. I don't have pictures of the actual trails I'm running on at this point, but they are very narrow and slightly overgrown with growth. It looks like the path below, but more jungly. (I realize "jungly" is not a word, but you get the idea.) There's no one else on the path, so my Donner Party survivor fallback plan is out the window.


At about minute 45 or so, I finally stumble upon what looks like the main trail. I keep on the trail until I run into the Chabot Observatory. Looking at the map there, I find that I had somehow veered *way* off my original path and am still a mile and a half way. Momentary panic attack aside, I continue on my way and finally make it back to the parking lot. And while I'm relieved that I won't have to eat grubs and berries until a rescue party locates me, it would have gotten me out of this crappy conference call I'm on right now. I guess I have to take the bad with the good.

For Members Only!

Twenty-five years later, and the Member's Only is still going strong. Right on Luke from General Hospital!

See, I was able to keep my New Year's resolution to incorporate more 70's expressions into my every day conversations. The real challenge will be tomorrow when I try to use the terms "solid" and "dig it" as I get handed my ass to me during a conference call with a contentious customer. Dy-no-mite!

Can Someone Spare an Emery Board?

This past Friday, I culminated an action packed day with a physical therapy session for my ailing shoulder (which is coming along fine, thanks for asking). I hopped in my car and with my mind processing a bunch of different things (where's my parking ticket, answer call on my phone, etc.), I headed towards the parking lot cashier. I quickly roll down the window without making eye contact (where the hell is that validation stamp they gave me?), I handed my ticket to the parking lot attendant and saw one of the scariest sights of my life:


This woman had the longest fingernails I had ever seen in my life! Her nails were easily as long as the talons pictured above. I was so busy trying to affix my parking validation stamp on my ticket, that I didn't even notice what was going on until I saw what I thought was a fucking lobster's was reaching out to take my ticket.

They were so long that she could not take my ticket as a normal person would do. Instead, she spread apart her fingers in a scissor-like motion so that I could insert the parking ticket between her two, oversized pincers. Words do not describe how freaked out I was.

It's over 30 hours later, and I'm still entirely creeped out. It's the only parking garage in the area, so I think I'm going to have to abruptly cancel my remaining PT appointments. Oh well, at least I have one functional shoulder.

Friday Musings

I'm on a mind numbing call right now and so I thought I would post the only photo which keeps me from gouging out my eyes right now.

It could be a combination of the subject matter ... it could be the monotone delivery of the speaker ... or it could be that I simply don't give a shit any more about this job. To be honest, I sort of like what I do and I actually like working from home (a lot), but I don't know how much longer I can do this job. It's actually considered a pretty good job, so part of me is very afraid that the rest of my work life will be similarly disappointing and lacking of any redeeming value.

I really don't want to sound like a whiny bitch (I know, too late) but this has been bothering me for a while. I know that things could be far worse. I realize that I could be out of a job tomorrow, scavenging half eaten chicken wings from a dumpster behind KFC. But almost all the other people I know that have similar jobs really don't like them. Deep down, I'm worried that that it will be the same thing with any other company and that I'm going to be stuck doing this crap for the rest of my life.

Oh well, my call is over now so maybe I'll contemplate the meaning of life for a while. Or, alternatively, spend the balance of the afternoon searching the Internet for mindless pablum to make the day go by quicker.

Don't Feed the Monkeys

No apologies ... no funny YouTube clips ... Instead, on with the quick 5-minute synopsis of what's up with me.

* I started physical therapy on my shoulder this past week. Long story short, it's messed up from years of weight lifting and rugby (AC joint sprain, scar tissue, and likely rotator cuff/labrum damage). Fortunately, it will be just fine with some PT, which is good since I need to defend my rugby team MVP award. However, I'm starting to think that my physical therapist might be a bit of a sadist. She seemed nice enough at first, but halfway through the session, she's got me in some sort of crazy arm bar and she's digging her thumb into my shoulder like she's trying to push a cork back into a wine bottle. Jesus, you would have thought I asked for a happy ending or something. Anyway, I wouldn't disclose anything other than name, rank and serial number, so she finally gave after what seemed like 1/2 hour of torture. I'm sure this week she'll try something new, like bamboo under the fingernails which she'll disguise as some sort of acupuncture.

* I went to two baseball games this past week (thanks JFS and CRM for tickets) and saw five future Hall-of-Famers play - Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, and Derek Jeter. I also saw a couple of borderline candidates (Jorge Posada, Johnny Damon, Joe Torre) and a bunch of all-time stars (e.g., Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal). Which is great because there's no way on God's green earth that I'm shelling out $600 to sit in the bleachers during the baseball All Star game. That is highway-fucking robbery. It's a goddamned exhibit game, folks. No sane person should have to drop a grand for some crappy All Star game that they can watch on TV. Jesus christ are the tickets also made of gold and entitle us entry to Willie Wonka's chocolate factory? Where's my golden goose?

* Lastly, I'd like to wish Mr. Chips a happy 12th birthday. I'm not really certain what his exact year or date of birth is, so I picked June 26th out of my ass. But the little fella could use some cheer after the year he's had -- IRS audit for failing to report income and file 6 years of back taxes ... losing his tenure due to plagiarism and other unspoken scandals at the university ... battling numerous chemical dependencies and suffering numerous relapses ... not to mention being the subject of a bitter custody dispute. Fortunately, the parties were able to put it all behind them (he said "behind") and actually brought Mr. Chips to New York this past year. Here are a couple of G-rated pictures of Mr. Chips from our April trip:

Here's a photo of Mr. Chips, who was exhausted after 7 blocks of driving. Come to think of it, the three Mai Thais he had at lunch probably didn't help matters either.




Here's another photo of Mr. Chips, who's now awake and evidently ready for a little action.



Happy birthday, buddy! Daddy and ..., uhhh, daddy are very proud of you! Next year -- Amsterdam!

Hollywood, Thy Name is Insane

In the latest sign that Hollywood is entirely out of new ideas, it was announced that director Ridley Scott is preparing a feature-length version of the venerable board game "Monopoly".

The 69-year-old British film-maker -- whose films include such hits as "Alien," "Blade Runner," "Thelma & Louise," "Gladiator" and "Black Hawk Down" -- has been offered the pick of young actors to help turn the popular oard game into a "comedy thriller" (whatever the hell that means). Hasbro (which owns Parker Brothers, the manufacturer of Monopoly in the U.S.) wants the film to feature "sexy young people" in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games. To that end, the William Morris Agency has promised Hasbro that the cream of its stable of 2000 actors will help create a blockbuster movie, including Scarlett Johansson (hooray!) and Kirsten Dunst (ack!).

Okay, a couple of things here. First, the obvious question - why the fuck would anyone want to watch a movie about the Monopoly game? Still looking to follow in the big box office footsteps of "Clue?" What's next, Candyland? When can we expect "Dominoes - The Movie" or "Charades" on the big screen?

Putting aside the ludicrous premise and scraping for material for a moment, what the hell is Ridley Scott doing directing something so inane as this? Honestly, Riddles, are you that hard up for money? Has your Director's Guild 401(k) really performed that poorly? Have some pride, man. At least wait for the movie remake of "The Love Boat" or "BJ and the Bear."

And lastly, who are these people who keep trying to perpetrate the lie that Kirsten Dunst is sexy? I honestly wouldn't even consider her mildly attractive. But sexy? No way, unless by "sexy" you really mean "snaggle tooth wraith." Now if she agreed to play the "shoe token" then her casting would make a lot more sense. But still, even if Scarlett Johansson agreed to run around nude for the entire movie, there's no way to counterbalance the fug which is Kirsten Dunst. The only way to make this work would be to replace the Monopoly board and hotels with "steel cage" and "bears," respectively. Only then could I honestly say that I would be happy to watch a Kirsten Dunst movie. Otherwise, I would sooner watch a video of my own colonoscopy than this crap.

Separated at Birth - Cameron Diaz

See if you can distinguish between the "sexy" Hollywood actress:



... and the scary Halloween jack-o-lantern:

Carl Lewis Clearly Not The Baddest Dude Alive

I used to think that Carl Lewis was the baddest dude alive. Until I saw this video of Sébastien Chabal. Chabal, who could double for Rob Zombie's HGH-laddened twin brother, plays flanker and #8 for France's national rugby team, which will be hosting the Rugby World Cup in less than three months.

Chabal, whos's listed at 6'3", 253 lbs, is affectionately referred to in France as "l'homme des cavernes" - "the Caveman." He's also been called the "anaesthetist," which he seems to demonstrate in the first half of the video clip.

I simply call him the baddest dude alive. Step aside Carl, there's a new tough dude wearing a leotard in town. And his name is Sébastien Chabal.

In all seriousness, this dude is bad. There are two hits against the New Zealand All Blacks (which are also full of BAMFers) in this video clip, both of which look very painful. Certainly not for the squeamish or amy anti-violence members of my audience.

Carl Lewis - The Baddest Dude Alive?

I never bought the old "Carl Lewis is gay" conspiracy. Sure he wasn't as macho as other celebrity athletes, but so what. Prince never struck me as the most masculine dude in the world either, but he macked everything that walked.

After all these years of whispers and innuendo, it's pretty safe to say that my opinion has been fully vindicated given this video evidence I unearthed. Now some conspiracy theorists will point to his one-piece unitard, effeminate gestures, and falsetto voice as irrefutable proof of his orientation.

Personally, I think the video proves the exact opposite.

* First, it should be noted that he's the only man working out in a gym with a bunch of women -- hello, this is every straight man's fantasy!

* Second, at the end of the video, Carl is seen being escorted by a white woman into a sauna. What's the old expression - "If this sauna is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"?

[ N.B. I will be the first to admit that his saunamate is a bit on the mature side, but I'm guessing he has some sort of kinky GILF fetish. Even more macho. ]

* Lastly, and most importantly, no gay man would be caught dead in that horrible outfit. belt? Sweet Jesus, a black unitard with a white workout belt? Gianni Versace would roll over in his motherfucking grave if he saw this fashion statement.

The defense rests. The verdict? Carl Lewis -- Guilty of being a bad-ass motherfucker.

Best. Picture. Ever.

The only thing which would make this picture better was if there was an angry Doberman in the back of the car with her. But I'm really just nitpicking here.

Head's Up (Revisted)

But of course I found a videoclip which pertains to my last post? Did you really doubt my ability to do so? Shame on you ...

Head's Up!

In the latest "man gets incurable erection" story of the day, a New York man has sued the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG -- the maker of the health drink "Boost Plus" -- claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. Novartis' "Boost Plus" website describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

Side note #1 - What's this? A sports drink that's both chocolatey and boner-riffic? Sign me up!

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Side note #2 - For those that glossed over it, the guy's last name is "Woods" - how fitting is that? Honestly, you could make up a name like "Stiffy Johnson" or "Dick Pole" and it still wouldn't be as good as the real thing.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.

Side note #3 - Now I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that the treatment for morning wood is masturbation. But no, this guy went with the non-standard treatment instead of the obvious cure...

They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

Side note #4 - If any of the medical staff had any sense of humor at all, they really should have some fun with it and renamed it a "Weiner shunt."

The lawsuit, filed late Monday, says Woods later had problems that required a hospital visit and penile artery embolization, a way of closing blood vessels. Closing off some blood flow prevents engorgement and lessens the likelihood of an erection.

Side note #5 - Dear lord in heaven, this whole procedure sounds horrible. Unless Scarlett Johansson is implanting the shunt with her mouth, there is no way in hell I would ever agree this procedure. I would sooner agree to implanting a shunt in my eye than my johnson.

Hump Day

I think I am starting to crack working from home. I've actually named the herd of 2 to 3 deer that regularly run through my yard right in front of my office. This is "Bojangles" (what did you expect, Rudolph?).

She (or he) has two friends - "Muffin" and "Grandmaster Flash" - that also regularly traipse through my yard. They're great pets because I don't have to feed them and they pretty much take care of themselves. How convenient is that?

So I went and saw my orthopedic specialist who prescribed an MRI for my still-not-improving shoulder. Which was fine because I'm not exactly thrilled with having a left arm like Kevin Spacey's character in "The Usual Suspects." Actually, it's not that bad but still it's been pretty bothersome and some things irritate the shit out of it.

So I called my health care provider who shall remain nameless (hint: unscramble the following letters to spell their name: "Untied"). The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Okay, so what's the MRI going to cost me? I presume it's covered under the Premium health plan."
Untied: "Well, it looks like you'll have to pay a $250 deductible plus 10% of the cost of the procedure. Insurance will pick up the other 90%."
Me: "I'm sorry, I must have had a bad connection. It sounded like you said that I'd have to pay about $400 for a simple MRI."
Untied: "Actually it will probably be closer to $500."

Sadly, they are serious. I ask myself, why the fuck am I paying for health insurance? I might as well self-insure. I'm sure an unemployed homeless person would have to pay less for a goddamned MRI. And at the end of the day, I'm going to shell out $500 and all I'm going to get is someone telling me that my shoulder is messed up and I should lay off the rugby and start taking ibuprofen. Thanks for the expert advice.

You're Doing a Helluva Job Scooter

As you most certainly have already heard, former White House aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison and fined $250,000 for perjury and obstruction of justice in connection with the CIA leak case. He also will serve two years probation following the prison term. Libby stood calmly as a federal judge said the evidence had overwhelmingly proven his guilt.

The judge said people in positions like the one Libby held -- chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney -- "have a special obligation to not do anything that might create a problem." (As an aside, that sentence sounds like an 8th grader wrote it. Is he a judge or what?)

The judge will decide next week whether to put the sentence on hold while the appeal plays out, or to send Libby to prison right away.

Meanwhile, President Bush said he feels "terrible" for Libby's family but does not intend to intervene now in his case.

No shit you're not going to intervene. What the fuck were you planning to do, W? Pardon him? Even you're not that godddamned stupid to suggest something so retarded as that. Were you going help out by drafting the appeal for Libby? God, I can only imagine you struggling to write one of those "court thingies." Or were you going to bust him out of jail like the goddamned A Team? Jesus christ but that dude is retarded.

A Mighty Wind

Methinks that Prince Phillip hath cracked a rat.

On a more serious note, I have decided to conduct a series of social experiments as I work from home. I figure that I'm not likely going to have this opportunity again for a very long time, so why not? I'm thinking harmless things like "what happens if I don't shave for two weeks," "how long can I go without talking to another human being," and "how many calories can I possibly eat in one day"? Your suggestions about fun social experiments are encouraged.

This week's challenge - "can I post a blog entry every day?" While not thrilling, I'm sure everyone would agree that it's better than "how many days can David James work without clothes from the hot tub?"

Has it Been One Week Since I Posted?

Jesus, I suck. And not even in the good way. But the home improvement painting project from hell has died down, which will hopefully leave me more time to blog, work off the calories I inhale while working from home and, uhh, work more.

Hope everyone is well. Photos and more interesting stuff hopefully to follow.

Separated at Birth - Nicole Richie

Today's "Separated at Birth" includes everyone's favorite coked-out, bulimic, celebrity train wreck Nicole Richie:



... and the lovable "Gizmo" from the movie "Gremlins":

Clown Hired To Cheer Up Monkeys

A German zoo has hired a clown to stop its monkeys getting bored. Zoo bosses got local entertainer Christina Peter, 45, to act the fool after vets said the chimps, baboons, gorillas and orangutans in zoo cages were more often sick or aggressive when they grew bored.

Christina said she keeps the animals amused by making games and puzzles for them, using footballs, plastic bags, cardboard boxes or blocks of wood among other things. She said, "When I was young I would go to a zoo and see animals and a lot of them looked bored and that made me feel very sad. Doing this makes me feel good because I am making their lives as comfortable as possible. And they seem to be enjoying it. They go wild when they see me coming because they know they're going to have some fun."

And this article, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly summarizes my current job. I am the clown for all the tech monkeys, except substitute "contracts" for "footballs, plastic bags, cardboard boxes and blocks of wood." But it's really the same concept.

Hello Crazytown

I know it goes without saying, but Ann Coulter is bat-shit crazy. Check out this recent article she wrote about the Jerry Falwell. I can't bring myself to post a picture of her, but her sage words should be sufficient:


"Jerry Falwell -- Say Hello to Ronald Reagan!"
by Ann Coulter

No man in the last century better illustrated Jesus' warning that "All men will hate you because of me" than the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who left this world on Tuesday. Separately, no man better illustrates my warning that it doesn't pay to be nice to liberals.

Falwell was a perfected Christian. He exuded Christian love for all men, hating sin while loving sinners. This is as opposed to liberals, who just love sinners. Like Christ ministering to prostitutes, Falwell regularly left the safe confines of his church to show up in such benighted venues as CNN.

He was such a good Christian that back when we used to be on TV together during Clinton's impeachment, I sometimes wanted to say to him, "Step aside, reverend -- let the mean girl handle this one." (Why, that guy probably prayed for Clinton!)

For putting Christ above everything -- even the opportunity to make a humiliating joke about Clinton -- Falwell is known as "controversial." Nothing is ever as "controversial" as yammering about Scripture as if, you know, it's the word of God or something.

From the news coverage of Falwell's death, I began to suspect his first name was "Whether You Agree With Him or Not."

Even Falwell's fans, such as evangelist Billy Graham and former President Bush, kept throwing in the "We didn't always agree" disclaimer. Did Betty Friedan or Molly Ivins get this many "I didn't always agree with" qualifiers on their deaths? And when I die, if you didn't always agree with me, would you mind keeping it to yourself?

Let me be the first to say: I ALWAYS agreed with the Rev. Falwell.

Actually, there was one small item I think Falwell got wrong regarding his statement after 9/11 that "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians -- who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle -- the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

First of all, I disagreed with that statement because Falwell neglected to specifically include Teddy Kennedy and "the Reverend" Barry Lynn.

Second, Falwell later stressed that he blamed the terrorists most of all, but I think that clarification was unnecessary. The necessary clarification was to note that God was at least protecting America enough not to allow the terrorists to strike when a Democrat was in the White House.

(If you still think it isn't Christ whom liberals hate, remember: They hate Falwell even more than they hate me.)

I note that in Falwell's list of Americans he blamed for ejecting God from public life, only the gays got a qualifier. Falwell referred to gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle.

No Christian minister is going to preach that homosexuality is godly behavior, but Falwell didn't add any limiting qualifications to his condemnation of feminists, the ACLU or People for the American Way.

There have always been gay people -- even in the prelapsarian '50s that Jerry Falwell and I would like to return to, when God protected America from everything but ourselves.

What Falwell was referring to are the gay activists -- the ones who spit the Eucharist on the floor at St. Patrick's Cathedral, blamed Reagan for AIDS, and keep trying to teach small schoolchildren about "fisting."

Also the ones who promote the gay lifestyle in a children's cartoon.

Beginning in early 1998, the news was bristling with stories about a children's cartoon PBS was importing from Britain that featured a gay cartoon character, Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie with a male voice and a red handbag.

People magazine gleefully reported that Teletubbies was "aimed at Telebabies as young as one year. But teenage club kids love the products' kitsch value, and gay men have made the purse-toting Tinky Winky a camp icon."

In the Nexis archives for 1998 alone, there are dozens and dozens of mentions of Tinky Winky being gay -- in periodicals such as Newsweek, The Toronto Star, The Washington Post (twice!), The New York Times and Time magazine (also twice).

In its Jan. 8, 1999, issue, USA Today accused The Washington Post of "outing" Tinky Winky, with a "recent Washington Post In/Out list putting T.W. opposite Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche, essentially 'outing' the kids' show character."

Michael Musto of The Village Voice boasted that Tinky Winky was "out and proud," noting that it was "a great message to kids -- not only that it's OK to be gay, but the importance of being well accessorized."

All this appeared before Falwell made his first mention of Tinky Winky.

After one year of the mainstream media laughing at having put one over on stupid bourgeois Americans by promoting a gay cartoon character in a TV show for children, when Falwell criticized the cartoon in February 1999, that same mainstream media howled with derision that Falwell thought a cartoon character could be gay.

Teletubbies producers immediately denounced the suggestion that Tinky Winky was gay -- though they admitted that he was once briefly engaged to Liza Minnelli. That's what you get, reverend, for believing what you read in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Time magazine and Newsweek. Of course, Falwell also thought the show "Queer as Folk" was gay, so obviously the man had no credibility.

Despite venomous attacks and overwhelming pressure to adopt the fashionable beliefs of cafe society, Falwell never wavered an inch in acknowledging Jesus before men. Luckily, Jesus' full sentence, quoted at the beginning of this column is: "All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

Jerry Falwell Bites the Big One

Jerry Falwell, the well-known fundamentalist Baptist minister and founder of a "college" (Liberty University) went to meet his imaginary divine maker at the age 74. By the looks of this photo, I'm guessing it was health related.

Although not bat-shit crazy like Pat Robertson or Fred Phelps, Falwell did have a few great controversial quotes (source Wikipedia):

* After the September 11, 2001 attacks, Falwell said on the 700 Club "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

* As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals." Falwell's ghostwriter, Mel White, said Falwell remarked about gay protesters, "Thank God for these gay demonstrators. If I didn't have them, I'd have to invent them. They give me all the publicity I need."

* During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said alleged to have said this about MLK, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King."

* Falwell has also said "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

* Regarding public schools, "I hope to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we don't have public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

* Falwell often attributed political affiliation to the divine, claiming that God "is a Republican" and Jesus "was the First American."

His greatest contribution to Christianizing society came in February 1999, when an article in Falwell's "National Liberty Journal" suggested that that closeted Teletubbies character, Tinky Winky, was a hidden homosexual symbol. The article deduced this because the character was purple (which of course is symbolic color of homosexuality), had an inverted triangle on his head and carried a handbag.

Goodbye Jerry, we will miss your insightful and sensitive comments regarding politics, society and sexual orientation. We will surely miss you. And by "surely" I really mean "not."

Happy Mother's Day

Here's wishing all the moms and soon-to-be-moms a very happy Mother's Day. I know this is no substitute for actual Mother's Day cards, but I'm lame. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Cat Fancy

My co-workers at my old company used to play a prank on you if you left your office/cube with your computer unlocked. Basically, you would come back to find that your home page on your Internet browser had been changed to some horrible, not-safe-for-work website. The main purpose of the joke was to reiterate a basic corporate security policy of never leaving your computer unlocked. I admit that doesn't justify changing someone's homepage to some horribly graphic website, but I never said that the practice was terribly mature.

Anyway, on my visit to St. Louis I made the mistake of leaving my laptop unlocked and as luck would have it, one of my co-workers (who was the repeated subject of this practice at our old company) changed my home page unbeknownst to me. I didn't learn about it until I was just about to leave when broke down and admitted it to me, mostly so he could see my reaction.

With little time to spare before my cab picked me up to take me to the airport, I fired up Mozilla Firefox expecting to launch some awful website featuring frolicking nude men.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that my homepage had been changed to Catfancy.com.



Not only did he change it during the 3.4 minutes I was away from my computer, but that fucker changed my home page to something that was entirely unexpected and 100% benign. Well done, B-Hug.

I should note that I still haven't changed it back to the original home page I had before. Now while I will admit that there is something soothing about looking at this photo every day and there are some very interesting cat articles ("Extra Sensory Cats - Could your cat's uncanny sense of your whereabouts be related to ESP? Click here to see how you can test your cat for ESP."), I must admit that sheer laziness probably has a huge part to do with my interia. Big surprise there, I know.

Al Reynolds Tortured By Giant Bear!!!

God, there are times when I hate the Internet. And this is one of those times. Oh well, I figure that if I had to see these horrifying photos, then my worldwide audience should share in them well.

Here are recent photos of Star Jones giving her husband Al Reynolds a lap dance at some bar at 2:00 a.m. following the Kentucky Derby. As you can see, Al appears less than thrilled by her affectionate gesture. And by "less than thrilled" I mean "horrified and repulsed." I honestly don't know which picture I love more. Is it the first one of him where he appears in total anguish? Or is it the second one where he has a resigned look of disgust?

From now on, I will thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jesus that Star Jones was not one of the lap dance contestants at Lucky Cheng's that fateful night in April. It's a long story and the photos are fuzzy. But the memories are clear and I shudder to think what she might have done to me. Thankfully, I live on and will continue to "work" from home, pausing every 30 minutes or so to wander into the kitchen to graze incessantly. Good times.

Separated at Birth - Cate Blanchett

Cate:


.. and Ziggy Stardust:


Yes I am sticking with the lazy theme this week. Actual, original content should appear tomorrow.

Separated at Birth - Star Jones

Star Jones at this weekend's Kentucky Derby (she finished in 4th place -- well done Star!):


... and one of the bad dudes from "Big Trouble in Little China" (which is a movie classic).

Shit Louis, In a Nutshell

Boys and girls … David James is exhausted right now. I am flying back from Shit Louis, Missouri as I write this and I can barely keep my eyes open. One day after returning from Maggotfest, I had to head to the Loo’ for an all-day, technology implementation strategy session (kill me please).

The technology meeting was an utter waste of time. I totally could have dialed in to that cluster fuck call. I pretty much laid it out for them that I was not going to be traveling to St. Louis every other week like I did for a short while in 2006 (ZES got the worst of that project, though -- my apologies my man).

In order to get through Wednesday’s meetings, I had to ingest an inordinate amount of caffeine. And by inordinate, I mean “shitload.” At last count, I was up to 5 cups of coffee and 6 diet Cokes. And still, I’m nodding off in the afternoon. I wonder if it had anything to do with the subject matter -- implementation of some new “turnkey” “back office solution.” Look folks, I’m not making up these terms and I don’t personally use them, I’m just parroting them back because they were permanently etched into my memory. In fact, I kept track of the number of times “solution” and “customization” were used -- 141 times. Conversely, the term “Scarlett Johansson” wasn’t uttered a single time.

After looking at slides containing terms such as “Strategies Align with Corporate Vision,” “Business Blueprint,” and “Go Live and Support,” I was subjected to a stilted dinner with my boss and some other suffering colleagues. It mercifully ended around 8:30, after which point I was able to retire to the hotel bar to drink more with the aforementioned tortured co-workers.

Thursday included yet another 3+ hour meeting with my boss. Fuck me, why couldn’t I have drown on that whitewater rafting trip? I am pretty confident that I tortured animals in a past lifetime to deserve my current work karma.

But then, it was over. It was 3:00 and time to head to Lambert Airport. Not surprisingly, I was excited to leave Thursday but of course I had to endure the inevitable flying annoyances before I could make it home:

* I am sitting next to some over-tanned, wrinkle-saurus who keeps borrowing my magazines to read. Evidently she didn’t realize that she would be stuck on an airplane for 4+ hours with nothing to do. Fuck, what’s wrong with “Sky Mall” magazine?

* I made the mistake of using the bathroom after a guy in red shorts who ~ destroyed ~ the lavatory. Given all the chemicals and masking agents, it’s pretty fucking hard to further raise the disgusting meter. But evidently the “Little Red Crapper That Could” found a way. I’m blaming it on the pre-flight beef tacos and coffee. Well done, my man.

* I’ve experienced on-and-off turbulence for twenty minutes. I know I've mentioned this before, but there must be some travel route that doesn’t fly through the eye of whatever tornado which perches itself over the Colorado mountain range.

* Some old-ish dude just walking down the aisle just grinded my arm and shoulder with his crotch. I’m not talking about the “accidental-glance-of-my-ass-or-thigh-against-your-shoulder.” I’m talking full on “hey-birthday-boy-you-get-to-judge-the-lapdance-contest-at-Lucky-Cheng’s-restaurant-full-on-grind.” The guy just left me simpering here in my seat like Jodie Foster in "The Accused." God, I feel so dirty.

And so it went. I’m headed home to sleep … and then sleep some more. Oh, and I just signed up to play another rugby game this Saturday against a team of experienced “old boys” (i.e., 35 and older), who are usually out of shape (hooray), but dirty as shit. Oh well, should be fun. Have a great weekend kiddos and I’ll work on posting some photos/more content.

Pass the Vicodin Please

I know I sound like a broken record, but again I have to apologize for the utter lack of posting on this site in recent weeks. First, it was the birthday weekend. The birthday debauchery weekend was followed by my rugby team’s second trip to Maggotfest in Missoula, MT (more to follow below). I returned from Missoula after midnight on Sunday night. After a one day respite, I’m on another plane which is headed towards St. Louis, MO (fuck yeah!!). Oh well, at least I get free coffee and frequent flyer miles.

Maggotfest this year was fun, but not outstanding. The rugby games overall were somewhat mixed. We arrived Thursday night and went straight to the pitch in Missoula to play a “friendly” game against the home team. We traveled about 10 hours that day to get there and we arrived at the pitch (a/k/a the field) about 10 minutes before we were supposed to play. I was expecting and hoping for the advertised “friendly” game since we were traveling with only 16 players (you need 15 to play rugby) of which only 4 of them were starters. We were all exhausted and some of us had been drinking on the 3+ hour drive from Spokane to Missoula, so I figured that it was going to be ugly.

And I was correct. The Maggots absolutely rolled us. It was the most lopsided rugby loss that I had ever participated in. I scored our only try (worth 5 points), while the Maggots scored 100+ points. They stopped keeping track on the scoreboard. Most of our team quit midway in the game and the other team just kept running at us. I really don’t fault them for continuing to play, but they probably could have subbed out some of their key players earlier.

The lowlight of Thursday was followed by the Friday highlight of river rafting on the Lochsa River in Idaho. I had a total blast. The enjoyment was mitigated somewhat by the fellow rafter who insisted on yelling “Wooo hooo!!” EVERY time we hit a rapid and who complained that his feet were freezing. No shit, the river water is in the low 40s. Everyone’s cold and wet, stop being such a pussy.

Saturday’s games represented a better showing, although we had trouble scoring points all day. It was frustrating knowing we had a better team but playing down to the lower standards of the other teams. After the second game, I was counting down the minutes until my flight left on Sunday.

The highlight on Saturday was reuniting with some of my friends from Colorado to play against a ridiculously good team from Park City, UT. Like our game on Thursday, Fort Collins was playing against a team that was way out of its league. Unlike our team, though, Ft. Collins played with a lot of heart. They still lost, but they played hard and never quit. I got to “whore on” late in the second half, right before one of their players entirely faked me out and beat me to the corner to score a try. Good times. I did manage to tackle a U.S. Eagle rugby player (meaning a player who plays international level rugby for the United States) without breaking anything further on my body.

Sunday came and saw one final game, which most participants played hung-over to a 0-0 tie. Ahh, rugby at its highest. The highlight of Sunday was one of our large players (280+ lb.) who managed to play most of the game in a Winnie the Pooh costume. Classic. We headed out to the airport shortly after finishing our last game and bid a fond adieu to Montana.

Five games in four days + whitewater rafting - adequate sleep = a tired David James. I caught some sleep on the flight to St. Louis and managed to fall asleep again this evening in my hotel room but still feel exhausted. I’m putting the official over-under on my total caffeine intake at “a lot.” Keep your fingers crossed dear readers.

Pictures and more fun stuff to follow ....

Office Worker Gone Wild!

Here's what happens when you combine a small, shared office space with an asshole throwing paper clips. I'm beginning to appreciate my home office more and more each day.

I've been busy this week recovering from last week's trip and getting ready for this weekend's rugby tour in Missoula MT. Last year was a lot of fun, so I'm looking forward to this last tournament. We're headed out tomorrow to play the host team, followed by river rafting, more rugby and perhaps a bit of drinking. Should be a lot of fun. Oh, and then I go to Shit Louis for three days the following week. So I guarantee that there will be some fun travel stories to share when I get back.

Celebrity Subcaption of the Day

"David Gest, can you show me where babies come from? Well done!"

"Liquor? I barely know her..."

Relax boys and girls ... I am still alive and well. I survived the big birthday weekend in NY and had a great time. DerekB has some photos and a more detailed write up will likely follow here, but here are a few things I recently learned on my trip:

* Despite what one may think at the time, there really is no urgent reason to get pizza at 2:30 in the morning. It was good, but entirely unnecessary. Overall, I estimate that I consumed enough food to feed a small family for one month.

* While they make a pretty good motorcycle, "Harley Davidson Beef Jerky" really doesn't live up to the same standard. While the toughened, leathery consistency lived up to the "Jerky" standard, I cannot be certain that it was actually made of beef. Unless they define "beef" broadly to include roadkill.

* People are insane. I saw a man in SFO changing his clothes in the middle of the bathroom next the sinks. He was wearing only underwear -- he was standing on the floor without any shoes or socks on. Disgusting. While I'm not a fan of the able bodied using the handicapped stall, I think everyone would agree to grant this guy an exception.

I will work on a more detailed write up of the trip, which will include a summary of our visit to a drag queen cabaret bar in NY where a dancer told me "you have nice blow job lips." (I still don't have a witty comeback to that one)

Hope everyone is doing well.

My Week in a Nutshell

A lot has transpired in the past week. Basically, my company shut down the satellite office in San Francisco where I was working. This sucked for a number of reasons:

1) I had to pack up my office and I am a total pack rat.
2) I don't have a home office at home. I don't have a desk, dedicated work area ... hell, I don't even have a home phone or Internet connection. To date, I've been rely on the charity of a neighbor that has graciously donated free WiFi to me. And by "graciously" I mean "unknowingly."
3) I *really* like working in the city and love the people, pace, restaurants, etc. that comes with it. Yeah, I could have done without the tofu hot dog experience, but all in all I far prefer working in an office as compared to home.

So I've worked from home all this week (rather than drive 80+ minutes to our Silicon Valley offices) and, so far, working from home has been a bit of a challenge. Sure the commute is a piece of cake, but I've not been properly set up to work from home. I'm sure that working from my couch hunched over my coffee table hasn't been fantastic for my back. It also doesn't help that I seem to eat every 20 minutes on cue.

Yesterday, I finally fixed the situation by setting up the office, assembling a desk, setting up the computer, printer, etc. and establishing home phone service. This has pretty much eaten my work productivity, but the set up is pretty nice now. It's really quiet here and I've moved my work area away from the kitchen. It's in a corner of one of my bedrooms which overlooks some trees:



If you look closely, you can see that I'm browsing some non-work related website. Ahh, some things never change.

Back to work, at least for today. I head to DC/NY next week for my annual birthday debauchery trip with DerekB, VMD and Cap'n Tears. Hope to post something soon.