I'm Off..

... to meet with a prospective employer today. Wish me luck and hope that there are no questions like this during the meeting (warning: it has Richard Pryor in it, so there is some NSFW-ish language):


As an aside, I'm not sure if I should be more surprised that censors allowed this to Saturday Night Live skit to air 30 years ago or that there would be absolutely no way that this would make it on network TV today. Absolutely zero chance.

Mitt, Mitt, Go Away...

A funny thing happened on the way to the White House ... Romney stumbled in Florida, Guiliani's candidacy is now officially dead (thank god), and it looks like we may have a potential McCain vs. Obama/Clinton showdown.

After watching this video of Mitt Romney actually effortlessly connecting with African American people, it's hard to imagine how anyone could choose decrepit McCain over Romney. It's smooth and non-forced interaction such as this that has Presidential material written all over it.



It's barely a half minute long, but it's really one of the most difficult things to watch. Seriously, I would rather watch my parents having sex than watch this again. I would *love* to see Romney trot out his "who let the dogs out?" routine with Obama. That would be fucking priceless.

Rainy Day, Go Away ....

So Norther California is on day 110 of the rain watch. I write this fearing the day that the rain-soaked hills will give way and land a 100 foot redwood tree on top of my house. Or maybe, if I'm truly unlucky, my entire house will gently slide away down my street. I expect to wake up each morning and find myself living underwater, kind of like Atlantis or Water World (minus Kevin Costner's horrible acting).

Things are looking up on the job front. I had my review today which went well, although I'm sure it was aided by my boss' bipolar medicine. The reason I say that is that he was perfectly pleasant and made more creepy, insane statements. My favorite quotes from today "we both come from a caring and compassionate place" and "let me share something I learned from you."

This dude is Britney Spears delusional. I honestly don't know if he believes this shit or not, but I think he really does. Whatever, just keep popping the happy pills, my man, until I land that next big job. Meeting next week with another company, so keep your fingers crossed.

So Real Quick ...

This just in, David James' Second Christmas was canceled when he received an email early Tuesday morning indicating that his boss' planned trip to Europe had been canceled. It's not quite as depressing at the Scarlett Johansson engagement rumors, but it's a nice kick in the crotch nonetheless.

Other bits and pieces from the Three Dot BlogTM ...

* I'm not sure I can add anything to what's already been written about the sad passing of Heath Ledger. However, I did notice that our friends at the Westboro Baptist Chruch (which is famous for protesting the funerals of AIDS victims and American military) has spoken out on his passing and it's as respectful and as sentimental as you would have thought:


I *really* wish there was a heaven and hell as these right-wing, WBC fuckwits believe, simply because then I could rest easy knowing that they would spend the rest of eternity with the likes of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Paris Hilton.

* Star magazine announced that Jamie Lynn spears will hand over her baby to her trainwreck mom Lynne to care for as soon as it is born so she can concentrate on her career. Lynne will then raise the child at the family’s home in rural Kentwood, Louisiana, away from Hollywood.

An insider told US magazine Star: "After several weeks of personal soul searching and talks and discussions with her mum Jamie Lynn reluctantly agreed that giving up the baby is the right thing to do. Lynne says Jamie doesn't understand the life long consequences of having a baby. She still wants her daughter to be able to be a teenager, go to parties, hang out with friends and have a career. So she’ll take the front seat of caring for the baby and take the pressure off her daughter."

So what's Lynne's first logical step as a soon-to-be parent? Start preparing the baby's nursery? Stock up on diapers and wipes? Start screening nannies?

Nope. According to the source, Lynne has agreed to have Jamie Lynn photographed with the baby as soon as it is born, sell the pictures and then take over raising her own grandchild.

How lovely. She has somehow figured out a way to financially exploit yet another member of the Spears family. You have to admire the parenting chutzpah. Well done Lynne Spears, well done. Enjoy your time in hell with those nice WBC folks.

My Second Christmas

I just found out that my boss will be out of the country this week and, get this, he announced that his cell phone won't work in Europe. Fucking awesome. So this week will be a week without work reportings (although the blog content might take a big hit) and I'll focus on happier things.

Like the fact that we will have a new president in one year's time. Sure, there's a slight chance that GW will do something wretched, like declare martial law and amend the Constitution to make himself president for life. Which isn't totally far-fetched after watching the last seven years. Since I've been old enough to vote, I've been witness to some truly awful presidents (although Clinton was great)-- Reagan, Bush Sr. and now GW. By my math, that's two terms of yeah and five terms of "fuck me." I'll save the longer political rant for later in the week, but I am very, *very* excited to be getting a new president. If you toss out Huckaby, I would probably prefer any active candidate in the race right now over what we have now. Seriously.

But you'd better check out all the candidates quickly, because South Carolina and Florida are coming up soon and it's do-or-die for certain candidates (Giuliani and Edwards, in particular). I usually keep nervous watch each election year, but this year I'm almost too afraid to look. I'm afraid that Hillary might get the nomination, thereby energizing the fuckwit right wing base. I'm afraid that Obama might really be a political lightweight. I'm afraid that Biden's plugs might come undone. And I'm really, *really* afraid that we're going to end up with another conservative nutjob who gets to replace ancient-ass Justice Stevens with some forty-something, right-wing freak who thinks that evolution is of the devil and that dinosaurs were planted by God in order to mislead the week-minded believers. I would rather let Britney Spears babysit my kids than see that happen.

Why I Need a New Job

In the ongoing series I like to call "Why I Need a New Job' (a/k/a "Why I Need to Get a Restraining Order Against My Insane Boss") I submit to you this actual quote from the other day:

"I think of you often on the weekends, more often than I should. I'm just worried I'm going to get the call some day that you were injured playing rugby and you're in a body cast."

Sweet lord in heaven, what person (other than a spouse or parent) would actually utter those words to another person? Not surprisingly, I was totally stopped dead in my tracks and caught without a witty response. I think I muttered something to the effect of "Uhh, thanks for the concern. I'm okay." But inside my head, I'm more like the Ving Rames character from "Pulp Fiction" -- I am pretty fucking far from okay.

Ahh, let the nightmare continue ....

(And yes Virginia, there is an ongoing job search)

Richard Simmons Is Balls Out Crazy

We get it ... you're zany and like to wear really short shorts in public (and probably at home as I come to think about it). But for the love of god, stop flashing your underwear in public. No one wants to see photos of you trying to teabag a tree. Just stop it already.

No Blog For Old Men

The New York Daily News is reporting that Will Smith is now officially insane and has been actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

The article states:

"Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that Scientology can fix right up for you.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

I'll put aside for a moment what a cheap fucker Will Smith is for giving out free personality testing sessions. It's like giving out AOL CDs as a gift. But I'm more amused by the concept that Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism have 98% in common with Scientology. Okay, people shouln't steal, kill or lie ... love your fellow man ... Okay, that's all pretty basic. But it's that 2% of Scientology craziness about spaceships and galactic souls that doesn't quite jibe with traditional religions.

Now it had been a while since David James' last bible study, so I whipped out the good book and tried to find the "OT level III book" of the Old Testament. Lo and behold, there is is in the book of Xenu, just as plain as day:

Xenu 1:1. "And 75 million years ago, God introduced Zenu as alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. And the Lord said 'Xenu bring billions of people to Earth in spacecrafts, stack them around volcanoes and blow them up with hydrogen bombs.' And Xenu did as the Lord requested and their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living as they continue to do this day. And the prophet L. Ron Hubbard shall call these clustered spirits "Body Thetans" and the Lord instructed his advanced-level Scientologist believers to place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

And then the Lord rested on the seventh day (i.e., the "Xenu Sabbath"), because he was tired of listening to this bullshit.

Blog Hard

Happy belated Monday, boys and girls. I hope everyone had a good weekend; mine was low key filled with rugrats, rugby and recovery from said rugby game. Sadly, there are no photos from the game but let's just say I found mud in places I never knew existing. 'Nuff said.

Sunday was low key, mostly spending last night job searching and worrying that I may not be able to find a new job. I got close to landing a job I *really* wanted last summer and was somewhat stunned when I was unceremoniously dropped from consideration. I was pretty down about it and ended up halting my search, in part because I was bummed out over the rejection. Five months of the Bipolar Bear, though, has a funny way of motivating one to get the hell out. So what I'm worried about now is not just the rejection -- it's the fear of not being able to find anything interesting and new and, thus, being stuck at my current job in perpetuity. I will seriously depressed if I'm still there come April. Keep your fingers crossed, kiddos.

As an aside, congratulations to "OK Let Me Just Say This" for being recognized as having one of the best gay blogs in 2007. Congrats again Derek, just remember the little folks when you become the next Perez Hilton (just less annoying).

And in related news, "It's Not Me, It's You" was recently recognized as one of the top Scarlett Johansson-obsession related blogs out there. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back.

Greetings From Wet-ville

You might have heard in the news that it's raining her in the Bay Area. A lot. It's died down, but it's a total mess outside. Which should make for a fun rugby game tomorrow in what I'm sure will be a total mud bowl. I'll try to get and post photos. Look for me, I'll be the one slathered in mud. Good times.

On the bright side, work hasn't been totally sucky this week. And Scarlett Johansson got rid of that retarded nose piercing and regained her fantastic status. And while still isn't returning my calls, that might change next week. Although, it's more likely is that work will suck and Scarlett won't call, but a fella can dream can't he?

Pat Robertson Still Can't Prophesize For Shit

Exactly one year ago today, I posted an entry which analyzed Pat Robertson's amazing prophetic abilities. To quickly summarize that post, Robertson got about a D- score for his ability (or, rather, his inabilty) to correctly predict major world events. Despite the fact that God is giving him the answers. How lame is that?

But in that post, I noted that Pat made some bold predictions for 2007. Perhaps it's time that we revisit his predictions and, if applicable, adjust his grade to more accurately and fully reflect his more recent predictions. Hell, if my Tax professor was willing to give me the opportunity to earn extra credit in order to receive a better grade (despite my total incompetence), then perhaps I should be big enough to similarly give Pat a second change (despite his total incompetence).

So let's just check out how he did in 2007.

Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. Pat (I love how I'm on a first name basis with this guy) also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by "very serious terrorist attacks" causing "possibly millions" of deaths.

Hold on, let me do a quick search of the past year's news for the terms "million+deaths+catastrophe+united+states+2007."

Results - zero. Hmm, it would appear at first blush that Robertson would receive an F- for this poor piece of forecasting. Ahh, not so quick -- Pat has an answer:

"All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us," Robertson said on The 700 Club. "So did I miss it? Possibly," he said of his unrealized prediction. [ Editor's note: he fucking absolutely he missed it.] "Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn't happen, so I think we can all rejoice."

Oh okay, let's make up a wild ass guess and, when you turn out to be a turd/liar/asshole, simply blame it on God and say "I might have fucked up, but only God knows. Thank goodness he didn't extinguish the nation en masse as he otherwise planned to do. You know, to show us how much he loves us."

God you're an asshole.

But despite his total lameness, I'm willing to cut Pat some slack and give hime one more year to redeem himself. And with that, here are his 2008 predictions:

First, Robertson predicts that there will be a recession in 2008. Second, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil. Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel - the price hit $100 on Wednesday - with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008. Lastly, he predicts that there will be a major stock market upheaval are on their way for the United States. "I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical scam artist.

Now we obviously won't know the accuracy of these predictions/wild ass guesses until next year, so we can't pass judgment yet. But let's at least examine the boldness and quality of these predictions. Because the "there will be a potentially nuclear terrorist attack that might kill millions of Americans" is a pretty ballsy prediction and pretty hard to top in 2008.

First, he said "there will be a recession in 2008." I'm going to have assign this the "well no shit" label. Some experts would argue we've already started it. Thanks again GW for the $33 trillion impact you've had on the debt. So I won't even count that worthless guess because it's fucking obvious. It's like predicting that Paris Hilton will be act like a dumb whore or that ice melts when its warm.

Second, he says that oil is going to hit $150 a barrel. You know, this isn't as crazy or bold a prediction as it may appear. A 50% increase in a single year is pretty hefty, but the combination of the weak dollar and rising oil prices might make this one attainable. All told, it's a semi-bold prediction, mostly because you can measure whether it will happen.

Lastly, he indicated that there would be a major stock market crash, perhaps in 2009 or 2010. Without more specifics, this is a pretty worthless prediction because: (a) we don't know what a "major crash" means (10% drop in a day? 20 correction over a period of a week? It's not like the financial markets were a dream in 2007); and (b) he doesn't specify which market would crash. He could be talking about the Latvia stock exchange, for all we know. But perhaps God doesn't give away what would be insider trading tips. God, I respect Robertson for not giving away God's stock tips.

But wait, there's more. My favorite non-prediction occurred on Wednesday when Robertson implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November. "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said.

Now this is just getting silly, Pat. This isn't a prediction -- it's "he said, God said" gossip which we have no way of corroborating. Jesus Christ, narrow it down a little bit (e.g., "The next president will be a woman / colored man / right-wing flaming freak like me."). Seriously, I want to give you the extra credit on this one but you got to work with me here, Pat. Can you at least say if the winner will be chosen before or after the major stock market crash? Also, can you provide an 1-2 year forecast on Google stock? I need to move some money around in my 401(k) and this little bit of information might be helpful. Thanks a bunch.

XOXOXO,
David James