Your San Francisco Giants Preview

(Ed. note: I know I have at least one diehard San Francisco Giants fan in my readership. My apologies to the rest of you. Everyone else can either choose to read and fall asleep or skip it entirely and wait for my "2007 Celebrity Trainwreck In Review" article).

Each year I keep hearing people getting all excited about the big Giants' contracts that are going to come off the books each year and how much money that will free up.

"Just wait until the end of when the contracts for are no longer on the books. Then we'll have a boatload of money to spend on top tier free agents."

Last year, it was Bonds, Morris, Benitez, Feliz, and Klesko, who made approximately $42 million combined (obviously, not all of that was paid by the Giants last year). What did it get us? So far, we've netted Aaron Rowand and pay increases for the rest of the team.

The year before, it was Bonds (again), Schmidt, Alou, Finley, and Feliz (again) freeing up almost $49 million. And for that relief, we locked up Barry Zito after failing to land Soriano and added another year of Bonds (whose $15M salary doesn't looks so bad, baggage nothwithstanding).

In 2008, the following player contracts will expire:
Durham ($7M)
Vizquel ($5.3M, unless he plays in 140 games in which case his 2009 salary vests)
Feliz (let's not kid ourselves, it's inevitable that the Giants resign him for another $5M in 2008)
Kline ($3.5)
Aurilia ($3.5M)

So that's approximately $25 million, not to mention the salaries of Roberts ($6.5M) and Winn ($8.25M) the Giants somehow are hoping to rid themselves of in 2008.

(Note: salary data was gathered from ESPN, mlb4u.com and baseball-almanac.com, so it may not be 100% accurate.)

So let's assume that the Giants somehow convince another team to take Roberts and Winn off their hands (which I pray doesn't include something insane line packing either player with Cain and/or Lincecum). That's about $40 million to spend on shiny new free agents in 2009, right? All we have to do is hold tight in 2008 -- the Giants will sort out which youngsters can contribute, the graybeards will be gone and we'll sign the best available free agents. With a little bit of luck, we'll be back to 85-90 wins in 2009, right?

It's a nice plan until you realize that next year's FA class is just as thin as this one was. The below list (courtesy of mlbtraderumors.com) obviously will get shorter as teams and players exercise options and teams lock up players to multi-year extensions. For example, there's no chance that -- absent horrific injury -- Vlad will not have his $15M option (which is really a net $12M option when you factor in the $3M buyout) picked up by the Angels. So in either case, he won't be available for the Giants. Same with Thome, Crawford, and Renteria.

Please note that I have focused on the hitters mostly because (a) the Giants already have a very good SP staff with some decent arms in the minors, (b) they already made a big free agent SP splash last year and we see where that got them, and (c) their hitting sucks. But for anyone interested, the best FA pitchers that will likely be on the market include Santana, Sabathia, Joe Nathan, Francisco Rodriguez, Pedro Martinez, Ben Sheets and Rafael Soriano. It's not a bad FA pitching class.

The list of FA hitters, though, looks much weaker. In reviewing the list, it looks like Teixeira, Dunn and some decent shortstops. In looking at the list, there doesn't seem like a lot of hope on the horizon. Are there really a lot of names on that list that people are eager to sign? Hell, Bonds looks like the best FA hitter in 2009.

So absent the meteoric rise of some unknown hitting phenoms, I'm not sure if there's a way that the Giants can avoid trading one of their quality arms in exchange for some good, young, cheap hitting. And no, I don't mean Lincecum for Rios. Call me crazy, but I don't see anything worth spending $40 million on there folks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catchers
Michael Barrett (32)
Johnny Estrada (33)
Kenji Johjima (33)
Jason Kendall (35) - club option for '09 (110 games)
Paul Lo Duca (37)
Ivan Rodriguez (37)
David Ross (32)
Jason Varitek (37)
Gregg Zaun (38) - $3.75M vesting option for '09 (160 games)

First basemen
Ben Broussard (32)
Carlos Delgado (37) - $16M mutual option for '09 with a $4M buyout
Nomar Garciaparra (35)
Jason Giambi (38) - $22M club option for '09 with a $5M buyout
Scott Hatteberg (39)
Kevin Millar (37)
Richie Sexson (34)
Mark Teixeira (29)
Jim Thome (38) - $13M club option for '09 with $3M buyout

Second basemen
Mark Ellis (32)
Mark Grudzielanek (39)
Orlando Hudson (31)
Tadahito Iguchi (34)
Jeff Kent (41)
Felipe Lopez (29)
Mark Loretta (37)
Jose Vidro (34) - vesting option for '09

Shortstops
Orlando Cabrera (34)
David Eckstein (34)
Adam Everett (32)
Rafael Furcal (31)
Cristian Guzman (31)
Cesar Izturis (29)
Felipe Lopez (29)
Edgar Renteria (33) - $11M club option for '09 with a $3M buyout
Juan Uribe (30)
Omar Vizquel (42) - $5.2M club option for '09 with a $0.3M buyout

Third basemen
Casey Blake (35)
Hank Blalock (28) - $6.2M club option for '09 with a $0.25M buyout
Joe Crede (31)
Nomar Garciaparra (35)
Troy Glaus (32) - $11.25M player option for '09
Wes Helms (33) - $3.75M club option for '09
Chipper Jones (37) - $8-11M vesting option for '09

Left fielders
Moises Alou (42)
Garret Anderson (37) - $14M club option for '09 with a $3M buyout
Milton Bradley (31)
Pat Burrell (32)
Carl Crawford (27) - $8.25M club option for '09 with $2.5M buyout
Adam Dunn (29)
Cliff Floyd (36) - $3M club option for '09 with a $0.25M buyout
Raul Ibanez (37)
Jacque Jones (34)
Jason Michaels (33) - $2.6M club option for '09
Craig Monroe (32)
Jay Payton (36)
Wily Mo Pena (27) - $5M club option or $2M player option for '09
Manny Ramirez (37) - $20M club option for '09
Juan Rivera (30)

Center fielders
Rocco Baldelli (27) - $6M club option for '09 with a $4M buyout
Jim Edmonds (39)
Jacque Jones (34)
Mark Kotsay (33)

Dude, Where's My Inheritance?

In the latest news of the fantastic, Hotel magnate Barron Hilton recently announced that he will be screwing over his whore grandchildren by leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. This will obviously cut the fortune his heirs would have otherwise received. Which means that granddaughter Paris Hilton, who once stood to inherit $100+ million by some accounts, could end up with a measly $5 million or so. Barron’s designated charity funds clean water in Africa, education for blind children and housing for the mentally ill.

There is no truth to the rumor that Paris Hilton was spotted on a plane to Africa donning blackface and sporting a seeing-eye Chihuahua in an effort to recoup some of her inheritance.

I know that I had vowed at one point never to post another story about that wonk-eyed, herpes-infested, waste of skin ... but it's really a fantastic story and gave me a nice excuse to post the infamous Paris Doll photo. So it's really a win-win from my perspective. The only thing that would have made this story better is if she were somehow mauled and eaten by an angry tiger. But this is still pretty good.

Feliz Navidad

For one day, no more work rants, celebrity ramblings, Youtube videos, or other inane commentary. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas (or Channukah, Kwanzaa, and whatever holiday the Scientologists celebrate). Best wishes to everyone this holiday season and I'll be back soon.

Right on,

David James

Twas the Night Before the Night Before Christmas ....

As you know by now, there three things in this world that are vitally important to me -- family, world peace and unicorns. And since I don't have any photos of world peace and my Native American religion tells me that taking pictures with a camera steal your soul, you all are stuck with the unicorn.

Is it just me or does it appear that the artist started to draw the unicorn as anatomically correct -- and then just gave up on the idea? S/he probably said "Jesus, that rainbow took me 12 hours to paint, not to mention twinkling light at the end of his horn. Fuck it, I'm done."

Kind of like what I said about my workweek last week. "Fuck it, I'm done." Unfortunately, it's now Sunday evening. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great weekend. I'll post something Christmas-y tomorrow or Tuesday.

Yet Another Work Post

Here's a quick synopsis of my day so far:

6:30 - Wake up
7:15 - Wake up again
7:40 - Gulp down a pot of coffee
7:50 - Frantically start reading a document for a conference call
8:00 - Conference call (a/k/a Internet surfing) begins
8:35 - Send innocuous note to my boss
9:00 - Conference call ends
9:15 - My boss calls me and totally lays into me for something he perceives that I screwed up
9:18 - I give up defending myself and wait for his lecture to end
9:25 - Berating mercifully ends
9:30 - Start searching monster.com

Jesus, I know it's only noon, but is it too early to drink? It's happy hour somewhere, isn't it?

Wednesday Night Musings

It's 10:30 p.m. as I write this and I have a call scheduled in seven hours. Fuck. Me. It's too early to go to sleep now because I'm too wired and nervous about potentially oversleeping. Conversely, it's too late to go to the rave or hang out with the supermodels. What's a boy to do? I guess I'll instead work on my memoirs, which are tentatively entitled either "It's Not Me, It's Still You" or "Harry Potter and The Fabblegrub Gang." I figure the last one would immediately sell a million books if I can crank our 900+ pages of text, but there's that pesky copyright issue to deal with. Oh well, I'll have plenty of time to think about it on my 5:30 a.m. call. Wheee!

Separated at Birth - Nicole Kidman

Here we have Academy Award winner, Nicole Kidman:


.... and the Tin Man from the "Wizard of Oz":



What the fuck is up with her outfit? Where are Dorothy and Toto? Is this some sort of Scientology-inspired, brainwave-deflector suit? Granted, you have to credit Nicole with some brains for having the forethought to bring an umbrella and avoid rusting up. That being said, you have to seriously wonder what possessed her to channel Jack Haley in the first place. Are we sure this wasn't taken in October on her way to a Halloween party? Ugh, this is going to be a long week.

(Disclaimer - original picture and reference from thesuperficial.com)

More Work Crap, Blah, Blah, Blah

Suddenly realizing that it was less than two weeks until Christmas, I decided to duck out of work early to do a bit of shopping. Because I work from home these days, I am always leery about leaving early for fear of getting a call from my boss, thereby confirming his opinion that I am a total slacker. So of course it was around 5:30 that he called me as I was strolling aimlessly through the aisles at Best Buy. Panicked and not wanting him to hear the shopping crowd and audio-visual background noise, I sent his call to voicemail. He left the following message:

Bipolar Bear (BPB): "David, (boss' name). Give me a call at home, 555-555-1212."

Fuck. Me. What the hell is so urgent that he wants me to call him at home? Did he want to talk about his last email that I never responded to? Am I going to get yelled at for something I did wrong in his bizarro-world opinion? Have I been fired?

There's no way that I can avoid calling him back. I finished my shopping and headed to the car to figure out how to answer his question "I tried you in your office, where are you?"

I waded through the parking lot, hopped in the car and rang him back. After a few minutes of chit chat, we got to the actual meat of the conversation which went a little something like this:

BPB: "Next Thursday, the VP of Marketing will be traveling to St. Louis to discuss (insert inane project). She's only going to be here for that one day and I am out of the office starting that afternoon, so we need to hold an early morning meeting that I'd like you to join."
Me (gleefully over his upcoming vacation): "Okay, sounds good."
BPB: "So we've scheduled the call for 7:30 a.m. next Thursday."
Me: "Uhh, is that Pacific time or Central time?"
BPB: "Central."

Hello 5:30 a.m. conference call next week. I'm estimating that he over-under on the actual hours of sleep I get on Wednesday night is about 3.5 hours, as I invariably have trouble sleeping when I have to get up inordinately early the next morning. I also put the over-under on the number of cups of coffee I drink that morning at 17. If I die from some crazy caffeine-infused overdose, it was good knowing you all. (Of course, no one would immediately know since I only seem to post here once every 12 days).

Oh well, at least the BPB will be on vacation and I'll be able to enjoy a nice holiday respite from the work nightmare. Which leaves me plenty of time for my daily nap and job searching.

Alberto Gonzalez - Lawyer of the Year

The votes are in boys and girls .... and the winner of the American Bar Association's 2007 "Attorney of the Year" is (wait for it, wait for it) .... Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. I shit you not, I'm not making this up.

Gonzales, who resigned in September after 2 1/2 years at the department amid investigations into whether he broke the law and lied to Congress, was given the reward which is given to the lawyers who made the most news.

Gonzalez's shitty tenure as Attorney General started to unravel following a public furor surfaced last January over the firings of nine U.S. attorneys, and whether they were politically motivated. His conflicting public statements about the ousters led Democrats and Republicans alike to question his honesty. In addition, a former top aide to Gonzales testified that he potentially illegally tampered with a witness in ongoing Congressional and DOJ investigations by stating that he tried to coach her answers about the firings.

And for this he received Lawyer of the Year.

Originally I figured he won because he was the only one running. But on closer inspection, there were other stellar nominees. They other high-profile lawyers that were nominated for the distinction included (1) Monica Goodling, the Justice Department's liaison to the White House who quit in April amid the political firestorm, and (2) Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the investigation into the leaked identity of former CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson. Given the low level of competition, I'm surprised that my bipolar, workaholic boss with an army of personal demons wasn't nominated as well. I guess there's always next year, though.

Separated at Birth - Knot's of the Living Dead

This week's edition of "Celebrity Separated At Birth" brings us Joan Van Ark, from "Knot's Landing" fame.


... and a Stage 4 undead zombie.


Good lord woman, what the hell has happened to you?! I know she's in her mid-sixties, but she looks like absolute hell. Not that I'm any great shakes to look at, but at least I don't look like a shrunken applehead figure with a grey/brown-ish ring around my mouth. Ack.

As an aside, I originally Googled the terms "skeleton woman," "decaying corpse" and "oh my god, I'm blind!!" in order to get a closer match, but those images were a wee bit horrific. Plus "The Young and the Rotting" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Donotella Vercameltoe

I don't know what scares me more -- her plastic surgery ridden face or her Level 6 cameltoe? I'm opting for the latter. And by "opting for" I mean "trying to avoid my gag reflex regarding."

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I’ve been at Disneyland for the past several days have been meaning to post, but I’ve been too busy and wiped out to post. I will say that people watching at Disneyland is almost as much fun as the park itself. There is no way to capture

Number of days spent in Anaheim - 3.75 days (Sunday night through Wednesday night)
Number of combined hours at the park - approximately 40.
Number of combined hours of sleep - approximately 25.
Number of calories consumed over the 3+ days - approximately 23,000.
Number of crying kids - 1,008.
Number of hot guys with ugly wives - 2.
Number of ugly guys with hot wives - easily over 100. (Someone help me understand this phenomenon)
Number of children presumably conceived after being slipped a roofie - see answer immediately preceding above.
Number of celebrities spotted - 2 (Seal and Heidi Klum)
Number of obvious strippers spotted - 2.
Number of guys clearly on steroids spotted - lost count.
Number of frosted mullets spotted - 1 (this mullet spotting is in the running for highlight of the trip).
Number of fake boobs spotted - uhh, I didn’t notice.
Number of time I rode on Pirates of the Caribbean - 3.
Number of times we rode “Autopia” (i.e., the go-cart attraction where kids get to actually drive the car) - 7.
Total number of churros consumed by the family - 6.
Total number of tacos consumed by me - also 6.
Most money spent on a single serving of plain coffee - $5 (includes commemorative plastic mug!).
Cost to rent an “electronic convenience vehicle” (i.e., driving device which helps the immobile get around the park) - $55.
Number of people spotted riding said “electronic convenience vehicle” - 50 (conservative estimate).
Number of annoying/harassing/demeaning email I got from my boss on Monday - I stopped counting at 12.
Number of my boss’ annoying/harassing/demeaning email to which I responded - 0.
Number of smile and happy memories - infinity*.

* Note: my editor made me insert that last item, insisting that there’s no way this blog goes IPO if I don’t clean it up and stop using terms such as “fuckwit” and “assmunch.”

Other random thoughts and observations ….

* While on the 4th or 5th go-cart ride, I noticed that the person in the car next t me was a middle-aged adult. Without a child with them. As in, he was driving the go-cart by himself. I was like “What the fuck are you doing? Do you not get enough time behind the wheel of an actual car as it is?” Jesus Christ, what is wrong with people?

* Visual highlight of the trip -- is it: (a) the hot woman in the tight t-shirt who just got drenched on the Splash Mountain ride, or (b) the middle-aged woman driving her electronic assistance vehicle wildly who crashed into a curb and almost lurched over the handlebars? I gotta go with the latter. That shit was fucking hi-larious. Top notch stuff.

* Flying on Thanksgiving is awesome. I flew out on Thursday around noon and it was fantastic. There are no lines, people are laid back and nice, and it is acceptable to drink early because it’s a holiday. Plus, flying out of Orange County/Santa Ana Airport is awesome.

(Side note: I refuse to call OC/SA Airport by its current name, “John Wayne Airport.” Similarly, I refuse to call “National Airport” in D.C. by its current name, “Ronald Reagan.” Fucking annoying.).

It Just Keeps Getting Better

I'm back from STL, having survived one of the more difficult trips to be on. Quick highlights - sitting right behind my boss on a broken down bus with exposed wiring and spewing diesel into the seating compartment .... a 14 hour work da ..., uhh, retreat day on Monday ... inedible food ... fun team building events such as a scavenger hunt, where the prize was a granola bar and a Snickers (seriously). God, I don't ever want to go back.

I'm back home but am now dealing with my boss leaving my insane voicemail messages which merely consist of a series of names:

Boss: "David, [insert his first and last name]."

That's it, he says my first name and then his full name (like my skin doesn't automatically crawl when I hear his voice). No greeting, no subject matter, no "please call me back." Just "David, [first and last name]." Fucking annoying.

Pass the Strychnine Please

Stop me if you heard this intro before, but I’m headed back to Missouri once again. On an airplane. For work. Which means, of course, more amusing stories for you the faithful reader.

Let’s see, how long has it been since my last trip to my favorite Red State? Oh wait, it’s only been 15 days. Awesome. Last time it was 2 non-stop days of corporate blather about “strategic direction,” “company execution” and “leadership commitment.” And yes, it was as bad as it sounds.

With that as a recent comparison point, I am dead serious when I say that I would *far prefer* to attend those meetings that my department’s team-building retreat. With my insane boss. I have been dreading these next couple of days for the last few months. I kept praying to the 8 lb. 6 oz., golden swaddling baby Jesus that this trip would be cancelled, but to no avail.

Honestly, I would rather perform my own colonoscopy with a rusty garden hose than attend this retreat. We’re basically going to “retreat” (i.e., work) for a little over 24 hours, which is fucking retarded. Monday will be a 14 hour day, were we get on a bus which will carry us 3 hours to the Ozark’s, which is basically in the middle of nowhere (think “Deliverance,” minus a pre-toupee Burt Reynolds).

Once we arrive, we move right into a series of non-stop presentations and working meals, culminating in some sort of “team building” exercise from 8:00-9:30 p.m. That should be a treat. Nothing’s more fun than having “trust falls” and playing “corporate madlib” games at 9:00 at night. Oh wait, I forgot that we are entitled to a 30 minute happy hour from 6:30-7:00. Although that technically makes it “Happy Half Hour.” I wonder how many drinks I can gulp down in 30 minutes. I’m putting the over/under at 5. Oh well, it should make the team building exercise far more palatable.

Dear Diary

In case I hadn't mentioned it (and senility is seriously starting to creep in these days), I've been working from home for about six months now ever since my company closed our San Francisco satellite office. At first I didn't like it -- it was isolating, I found myself snacking non-stop, and missed working in The City. After a while, I was indifferent ("It's better than driving an hour-and-a-half to Santa Clara each day."), but now I've really come to embrace it. I can sleep in late, run errands, etc. so long as I get my work done. Daily grooming? Ahh, who's keeping track?

I've had a number of folks ask me what a typical day is like. So I decided to keep track of how I spend a somewhat-typical work day:

6:30 - Open eyes, quickly check email on my Blackberry. If there are no more than 5 urgent email messages, I either go back to sleep or perhaps head to the gym. Guess which option gets selected more often?

7:15 - Consume first dose of caffeine of the day. Fret about the day that I run out of coffee and actually have to leave the house in order to buy some more.

8:58 - Awake from sleep / return from gym. Officially start my work day by responding to urgent email.

9:05 - Get bored with work, start surfing celebrity gossip and other odd stories on the Internet.

9:18 - Remember that I totally forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

9:30 - Remember that I forgot to eat breakfast, cook up some sort of grilled cheese item of some sort. This will not be the last one of the day. I immediately regret not going to the gym.

9:45 - Eye remainder of Halloween candy. Pledge that I will not eat 5 pieces of candy again today. Be strong, David. Be strong.

9:50 - Walk 50 feet and head back to work. Time to start slaving for the man.

10:15 - Tired of slaving for the man, I elect to try to beat my best score at Wii bowling.

10:35 - Phone rings, my first contact with a human being. Hooray!

10:36 - Note that the caller is my crazy boss, let it roll to voicemail and head back to the Wii.

10:45 - Remember that I still haven't brushed my teeth. Contemplate whether there's any fluoride in coffee. Probably not, so I guess I'll do it the old fashioned way.

11:00 - Begin planning my lunch. And by "planning" I mean consuming. Man, that grilled cheese sandwich was tasty.

11:04 - Shit, I'm late for my conference call. God this job is really getting in the way of my daily productivity.

11:45 - Call is over and my official lunch break begins. Estimate that I will need to play the Wii for 60 minutes straight in order to burn off my first lunch. Immediately commence with lunchtime exercise of Wii boxing and baseball.

12:25 - Note that my shoulder is starting to hurt from too much Wii. Is it possible to get Wii tennis elbow? How is it that I play rugby but get injured while Wii bowling? Pathetic.

12:50 - Remember that I forgot to shower and shave today. Shrug shoulders as I realize that I'm headed to rugby practice tonight any way, so why bother.

1:20 - Consume my umpteenth caffeinated beverage of the day. Google "how much caffeine does it take to kill me" to inquire as to how close I am to death. Two more cups of coffee should do it.

1:50- Inhale another piece of Halloween candy after finishing up a conference call. Discover that I am running desperately low on Reese's peanut butter cups. Would 911 respond to me desperate cry for help?

2:15 - Just finished up a delightful call with my boss. As I sit here contemplating who I tortured in a past life to have this work karma, I think to my self "fuck it" and decide to drink those last 2 cups of coffee in order to kill myself. Goodbye cruel world.

2:20 - Notice I'm still alive. Guessing that I miscalculated the lethal dosage of caffeine, I return to work. But first, one more Snickers.

3:00-5:00 - This is my prime work time. Most of the people I work with are in the Midwest and East Coast and they pretty much leave me alone during this time period. Most of the day leading up to this is a flurry of urgent email, conference calls and other fires that I basically put out all day (huh huh, he said "put out").

5:02 - Promise myself to be more productive tomorrow.

And with that, the evening whistle blows and I am pretty much done with my work day. Time to get the mail, eat yet again, and pick up my tuxedo for my friend R's wedding this Saturday. Good times.


[ Editor's note: This running diary is a literary work and should not be taken literally. David James is a very hard working and conscientious employee and devotes 100% of his time, energy and heart in to his job on a 24x7 basis. Seriously, don't fire me.]

Is It Monday Already?

There was a point in time when I would have paid big money to buy one of these Star Wars-inspired t-shirts from Urban Outfitters. That time, however, would have been about 25 years ago and before t-shirts cost $30.

You've made enough money in your lifetime, George Lucas. Time to give it a rest and stop raping the franchise for more money. Why not just move on to another crappy project and start beating that like a dead horse? Oh wait, that's right. I forgot that Indiana Jones 4 (featuring a 60-year old Harrison Ford) will be coming out soon. Sweet jesus, when will it all end?

Trick-or-Treat

What do you get when you combine a favorite holiday, a much-loved pet and horrible judgment? Halloween costumes for dogs.

The Bridal Dog. Isn't s/he lovely? Good luck throwing the bouquet when it's sewn to your artificial limbs.


Scooby-Doo. I don't understand why you want to dress your dog up as another dog. Someone help me with this.



Herro Kitty. If there's anything worse than dressing up your dog as another dog ... it's dressing it up as a cat.



Pippy Longstockings(?). I don't even know what this is supposed to be. But I do know that if this dog had any idea how ridiculous it looks, it would kill and eat its owner.



Raggedy Ann. I wasn't even sure what this costume was supposed to be at first. Is "Red-Headed Amish Woman" a Halloween costume?



Dorothy. Toto is now Dorothy. Oh the irony of the role reversal. This dog's sad look reminds me of the look I will soon have on my face when I have to go back to St. Louis for the second time in three weeks. Ugh.



The Rest of the Wizard of Oz Characters. Ahhh, that lucky dog doesn't just have one costume -- it has 4 Wizard of Oz inspired outfits. If I were the dog, I would change the words of "If I Only Had a Brain" to "If I Only Had a Clear Shot At My Owner's Jugular."



Kenny From South Park. Could this dog look any more depressed? This one is definitely high up on the Britney Spears suicide watch.



Tiki Dog. Two things immediately struck me about this costume. First, I guarantee you that its owner is a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Second, Hawaiian shirts look no better on ugly dogs. I would rather wear a t-shirt that says "I like to lick myself" than this gawdawful shirt.

Red Sox Win

For those that weren't closely watching it on TV (and seriously, I know everyone was), the Boston Red Sox prevailed over the Colorado Rockies, by sweeping the best of 7 series.

This is small karma for me having wasted several hours earlier in the week trying to buy tickets online -- only to have the feeble Rockies' website crash repeatedly, before being taken down entirely .... and then have it up again, only to watch it be entirely impossible to access. But I'm not bitter.

In a replay of 2004, the Red Sox -- who were down this year to the Cleveland Indians 3-1 just as they were to the Yankees in 2004 -- won seven games in a row to capture their second World Series in four years (and 3rd in the last 90). And to top it off, the Yankees are on the brink of mediocrity having fired their manager and losing their best player to free agency. Not a bad baseball weekend at all, come to think of it.

2007 Rugby World Cup

It had to end. After watching 48 matches over six weeks totaling more than 70 hours, the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France has finally come to an end. As no one reading this likely knows, South Africa defeated the reigning world champions, England, with an impressive showing in Paris on Saturday.

The USA finished ….. uhhh, not first. USA rugby is years behind other nations, mostly due to the fact that it’s a poorly organized, amateur sport that’s not shown on network television. Hell, it’s difficult to find any coverage in the U.S. despite the fact that over four billion have watched at least part of one match.

And of those four billion people, guess which who put off sleep and work to watch every match? Me. (Ironically, that’s also the same answer to the question “Who doesn’t have a life?”)

And of all the games and tries (i.e., touchdowns) that I saw scored, the best one was scored by none other than a USA rugby player. Takudzwa “Z” Ngwenya scored the try which was named try of the year but the International Rugby Board.

On September 30, the soon-to-be champions South Africa defeated the United States by the score of 64-15 in Montpellier. This would technically classify as a drubbing. However, the highlight occurred just before the end of the first half. It began deep in the USA’s territory, when flanker Todd Clever (in the red) intercepted a South Africa pass and proceeded to deliver a nasty stiff-arm to the face of SA’s flyhalf (Butch James), who then flipped it to one of his teammates. Two passes later and the ball reached Z Ngwenya just inside his own half. As South Africa’s Brian Habana -- who was named Rugby Player of the Year and who’s widely regarded as the fastest man in rugby -- came across to make the tackle, Ngwenya checked, juked, sidestepped and then absolutely dusted the South Africa wing to score the try.

Even the commentary is great. “Chase me ... I’ve left you, mate .... I've left you.”

Sorry the video quality is so poor, but the video keeps getting taken down by the rugby elves. I guess it has something to do with copyright violations or something like that. Oh well, here it is. Enjoy it while it lasts.

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On My Way To The Blog .....

I know it's been a long time and I really have no excuse to not post a note indicating "I'm alive" or what have you. But October has been a hectic month, filled with a bunch of distractions, hobbies and the like. So without further ado, I present the "Top Ten List of Things With Which I Have Been Preoccupied," which have precluded me from blogging more recently:

1. The Nintendo Wii. I bought the Wii two weeks ago ostensibly "for the kids." However, I think I can conservatively estimate the amount of Wii playing time as me - 97%, kids - 3%. The games are fun and intuitive and quick to play -- which is the real danger. I'll finish a conference call (or hell, I'll even be on one) and I'll play a little golf or bowling, which games usually last 5 minutes. Of course that presumes I only play one game. Uhh, hi folks. I won't go into the gory details about how fun the game is, but I will say that the worst part of the Wii is that you get a message indicating the amount of time played on the Wii and which games were played. Goodbye two hours of my day, hello unemployment.

2. Cal Golden Bears Football. Cal's heartbreaking loss to Oregon State this past weekend. Honestly, it was the most crushing defeat of any sports team that I care about that I can recall. I was honestly been numb for like 3 days. It all came down to the very last play which, to this day, is still too painful for me to watch. I would honestly rather watch my own colonoscopy than the last 10 seconds of that game. And no, I would not characterize this as a healthy relationship. Cal is basically the Ike Turner to my Tina. I think I need some help here.

3. Rugby World Cup 2007. To date, I have watched all 46 rugby games played at the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France, which is approximately 70 hours of rugby over the past 6+ weeks. You do the math. Not pretty. I'm now faced with the dilemma as to who to root for in the final -- England or South Africa? Root for England and you get 4 more years of insufferable boasting. Root for South Africa and I feel like I'm tacitly rooting for apartheid. It's really a lose-lose situation.

4. Loathing Our Administration. Seriously, only 459 more days until GW is gone. The day can't come quick enough.

5. Scarlett Johannson.


6. Baseball Playoffs. I know I'm only one of 17 people or so that give a shit about baseball, but my team (Red Sox) is in the playoffs, although they are on the brink of elimination. While the playoffs have been someone anticlimactic, it's fun to see teams like Cleveland and Colorado go far in the playoffs, as one team hasn't won the World Series in 60 years and the other has never been before.

7. Ellen DeGeneres' Dog Fiasco. Okay, not really. Let's move on people. There are far bigger issues in the world. Don't get me wrong, I care about animals -- just not celebrities' animals.

8. Napping. Really, this is totally underrated. I would suggest everyone try it more often.

9. Halloween Planning. I think I may decorate the house, although I'll probably be out trick-or-treating (a/k/a "Operation Get Daddy Needs Some Snickers") with the progeny. I haven't sorted out costumes, although I think that Kiefer Sutherland might have already locked up "Halloween Costume of the Millenium" award:


10. Work. Oh yeah, that. Yes, I've actually been doing some work, notwithstanding items 1-9. I will not re-hash matters, but things have been better recently. I'm headed to Shit Louis next week,

The Week's Recap

So Monday and Tuesday I enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with the BPB. And by "enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with" I really mean "got kicked in the nuts." Honestly, those two days were some of my worst days at my job. My stomach was in knots all day, I didn't sleep much, and was generally on edge and short all day long. I got positively reamed for something I worked on briefly over 3 months ago and which recently surfaced. I honestly didn't do anything wrong, but the BPB entirely blew things out of proportion and grilled me nonetheless for something that wasn't my fault. After talking down to me a couple of times, I was assigned a bunch of inane, busy work as my penance, which occupied most of Wednesday.

Today was much better, though, as highlighted by the BevoMo's insane 5 cent wine sale (buy one wine bottle of certain wines at regular price, get another bottle for a nickle). Seriously, how can you not love that? But after Tuesday, I was tempted to eat some "Angry Dog" supplement food myself:

Yes Virginia, It Is Monday ....

It's not three hours into the work day and I've already had an awkward call with my boss (hereinafter referred to as the "Bi-polar Bear or "BPB"). You ever have one of those calls where you cringe the entire time and then thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. baby jesus once it's over? It was like that, but more painful. It's like the feeling every male gets when they watch the answering machine scene from "Swingers" (which remains the most painful scene in movies, worse than Ned Beatty's infamous scene in "Deliverance"). Oh well, I guess I will torture myself further by watching what I'm sure will be a significant Ireland loss to Argentina in rugby. Happy Monday!

P.S. This cat is supposed to be a moving gif file, where the cat repeatedly throws punches. Still funny but not what I thought I had posted. Ugh, this day is not going well.

Go Bears!

My California Golden Bears, ranked #6 in the nation, beat #11 Oregon in Eugene, Oregon for the first time since 1987. It was a fantastic game which went right down to the very end. I swear the last 15 minutes of the game aged me about two years.

I figured with the road win, Cal might move up a spot. But then it seemed like this was "College Football Upset Weekend." There were numerous upsets among the Top 20, which will only help Cal's ranking:

#3 Oklahoma lost to Colorado
#4 Florida lost to Auburn
#5 West Virginia lost to #18 Southern Florida
#7 Texas lost to Kansas State
#10 Rutgers lost to Maryland
#13 Clemson lost to Georgia Tech

Jesus Christ, Cal could be as high as #3 with all the losses! They haven't been ranked this high since they were #4 in December 2004 which Cal fans will long remember as the season they got fucked out of a BCS bowl game as a result of the obscene lobbying by Texas (don't get me started). Assuming Cal doesn't stumble the rest of the way (and that's a huge assumption), Cal's game against USC could have national implications. Win it and Cal would likely go to the BCS championship. Lose it and Cal would have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. The last time Cal was in the Rose Bowl, it was 1958 and my uncle Frank (who's now 70) was the starting offensive tackle for Cal.

September Statistics

September flew by for me, so here's a quick summary of how I spent my month:

26: Number of Rugby World Cup (RWC) games I have watched.
6: Number of RWC games I have yet to watch in order to be fully caught up (if I stay up all night tonight, I can get caught up I think).
7: Number of wineries that I went wine tasting to last Friday (no, I wasn't driving).
24: Number of days that my sister came out to do research in California.
40: Approximate number of bottles of wine that were consumed during said visit (this is a conservative number).
1: Number of wine glasses broken.
1,035: Number of expletives uttered (again, this is a conservative number).
8.35: Average hours of sleep my sister gets (seriously, who sleeps 8 hours a day?).
10: Number of episodes of "Arrested Development" which we watched over the past week.
0: Number of times that I dreaded her visit and wished she were home already.

We had a really nice visit, she heads back on Saturday and I'm a little sad. It was a good trip (although my memory might be distorted a bit by the wine), but it will be nice to get my house back to normal. For now, I think I will console myself with the New Zealand vs. Scotland rugby match and 8 hours of sleep (whatever that is).

Is It October Yet?

I am alive and well kiddies. I've been enjoying the past couple of days without my crazy boss and catching up on all the game for the Rugby World Cup. I've actually been watching an average of about one or two per day over the past two weeks, which has been great but really eating into my work productivity and blogging. For those that care (i.e., no one), Ireland has been shite the entire tournament, which has really bummed me out. Watching them squeak past Romania and Namibia was embarrassing, and then we got blown out by France. Ouch. Oh well, there's always 2011.

I've also been preoccupied with my sister's visit, which is in its third week. She's been out doing research and so far, the trip has gone really well. She's been gone all day -- thereby allowing me time to catch up on the rugby -- and has been really easy going. The several cases of wine that we've gone through hasn't hurt either. Anyway, she leaves soon which is kind of sad since it's been a good trip and we really haven't spent this much time together since we were in high school (class of '85, fuck yeah!). I was fearing the worst, like she would burn down my house after falling asleep while smoking in bed or inviting over a bunch of tranny burlesque performers after a late night show, but it's really been uneventful (other than the plentiful deposit of empty wine bottles in the recycling bin). There are a few days left for her to fulfill her manifest destiny, so perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon.

Oh well, anyway I am alive and doing well. Certainly better than Courtney Love who appears to have burned her mouth on a piping hot apple pie from McDonald's. Ouch! Be careful next time Courtney!

Cheney: Iraq is a "Quagmire"

Below is some seriously fucked up video footage of Dick Cheney explaining the difficulty in invading Iraq. In this interview from April 15th, 1994, Cheney reveals the reasons why invading Baghdad and toppling Saddam Hussein wouldn't be a great idea. He also stipulates that "not very many" American soldiers' lives were worth losing to take out Saddam during the Gulf War.

Here's a partial transcript of his interview:

"It's a quagmire if you go that far and tried to take on Iraq. The other thing is casualties. Everyone was impressed with the fact that we were able to do our job with as few casualties as we had. But for the 146 Americans killed in action and their families, it wasn't a cheap war. And the question for the President in terms of whether we went on to Baghdad and took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein was 'how many more dead Americans is Saddam worth?' and our judgment was 'not very many' and I think that we got it right."



It's hard to believe that a man as principled as Dick Chaney would have a fundamental change of heart just six short years later after GW was in office. So I guess by "not very many," Chaney misspoke and really meant to say "3,000 more casualties."

And I'm sure it's a total coincidence that the very next year, Cheney -- who had no prior business experience -- left the Department of Defense to become the CEO of Halliburton Co., one of the biggest oil-services companies in the world. Under Cheney's leadership, Halliburton moved up from 73rd to 18th on the Pentagon's list of top contractors. The company garnered $2.3 billion in U.S. government contracts in 1995, which almost doubled the $1.2 billion it earned from the government previously. According to the Center for Public Integrity, under Cheney's leadership the company also received $1.5 billion worth of assistance that year from government-sponsored agencies such as OPIC (Overseas Private Investment Corporation) and the Export-Import Bank, a huge increase compared to the $100 million that the company had received in federal loans and guarantees in the five years prior to Cheney's arrival. Years later, during a vice presidential debate with Joe Lieberman in the 2000 campaign, Cheney increduously asserted that "the government has absolutely nothing to do" with his financial success as chairman of Halliburton Co.

Cheney's integrity can also be seen as Halliburton honorably plead guilty to criminal charges that Halliburton *allegedly* violated a U.S. ban on exports to Libya by selling Col. Qaddafi six pulse neutron generators, devices that can be used to detonate nuclear weapons for which Halliburton paid a stiff $3.8 million penalty to settle the *alleged* violations. Hello, that's almost a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR penalty they had to pay. And you can bet that they learned their lesson and that that would be the last time that Halliburton ever tried to pull anything shady with the U.S. Federal Government ever again.

"Really Honey, You Shouldn't Have ..."

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jon Stewart to the Rescue

In the latest news of the great, Jon Stewart is set to host the 80th Academy Awards in February. The host of "The Daily Show" took charge of the Oscars for the first time when he presented the 78th Academy Awards. Telecast producer Gilbert Cates says, "Jon was a terrific host for the 78th Awards. He is smart, quick, funny, loves movies and is a great guy. What else could one ask for?"

[ Editor's note - If Stewart is so "smart, quick and funny" explain to me why where we subjected to Ellen DeGeneres last year? ]

Stewart adds, "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm!"

Of course this gives me the perfect opportunity to post a totally unrelated YouTube clip (a/k/a "blog filler") of Jon Stewart sorting out U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East. Ta da!

I Am Frightened ...

So I just found out that my department will be having a mandatory retreat in the Ozarks in early November. Yes, David James is headed back to Missouri, kiddos. Hello freezing weather and awkward three hour bus ride with the Bipolar Bear. God, I am not looking forward to this trip and am positively frightened about spending 48 hours in what I can only imagine is a scene out of Deliverance. God help us all.

Other random things that scare me:

* Ray Lewis (circa 1999)
* Naked guys who eat tofu hot dogs
* Amy Winehouse
* This catfish:

Cal 45, Tennessee 31

My California Golden Bears avenged last year's season-opening loss to Tennessee by trashing them 45-31 yesterday in Berkeley. In the game, DeSean Jackson had this insane 77 yard punt return, where he repeatedly juked his way free in a series of moves on the way to the end zone. And despite Brent Musberger's atrocious call ("Shake and bake!"), I could watch this video over and over again.

And in fact, I have.

Week In Review

Wow, what a crazy week this has been. On the bright side, I have friends that are having babies and quitting jobs they loathe (congratulations again to Kate and JP, respectively). On the negative side, others of us have been dealing with sick parents, crazy bosses, insanely hot weather and jobs that they loath (but unfortunately cannot quit).

Speaking of jobs, I returned this week after a 24-hour trip to STL, which included a stilted 3-hour (!) dinner with my boss followed by an inane 6-hour meeting the following day. It was during the same trip where two co-workers were almost brought to tears by my insane boss. He also made another person almost miss his plane flight out of St. Louis so he could visit his family for one day before he heading to Singapore for a week to work on some crazy deal. My boss kept him at the office an extra half hour -- while a cab was outside waiting to take him to the airport -- talking about non-substantive stuff that could have been handled over the phone on the way to the airport.

You can't even comprehend the feeling I have each time when I leave -- it's an odd combination of utter joy, sheer exhaustion, couple with a significant dose of disgust (from the food, the people, the airport, the weather). It's like that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank Prison -- "Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too." Leaving STL is really very similar to that experience, it's shitty and no one else wants to imagine what it's like. The only thing missing is the part where I retire to Mexico and live off a boat there.

What's Going On ....

So quick update, my dad was doing a bit better this weekend after going to the ER on Friday afternoon. He was in pretty good spirits today, which happens to be his 67th birthday. So I swung by with the kids this afternoon, with gift and birthday cupcake in hand. It was the cupcake purchase which led to the following interaction with my youngest progeny:

O: "Who's that cupcake for?"
Me: "That's for grandpa's birthday."
O (sounding like a young Veruca Salt): "I want a cupcake, too!!!"
Me: "Well it's grandpa's birthday, so why don't we let him eat it?"
O (thinking fast): "But that cupcake won't be good for grandpa, he's sick."

Ahh, my lil' doctor ... always looking out for her patients' best interests. I never knew that they started putting some sort of kidney rejection serum into cupcakes! Not only was she alert enough to warm me of the latent danger, she was also gracious enough to offer to dispose of the harmful baked good. And to think I was never made aware by his doctors. So go suck on that Stanford Hospital!

Worst. Conference. Call. Ever

Dearsweetlordjesusinheaven, please kill me. I'm working with my crazy boss to make some changes to a contract document, and it's just brutal. I'm in minute 90 of a what will be a three hour call. I imagine a bear mauling would be more comfortable. And about 10 minutes ago, he uttered the fantastic line "we've almost got the contract down to one page, that would be hot."

"Hot?" really, would it be hot? Funny, I never thought of contract documents as possessing personal qualities such as hot, cool or sweet. Also, what 48-year old man talks like that? It's like I'm on a call with Paris Hilton, except she would know more about contract law. Zing!

I'm Back

So real quick, I made it back from my vacation to Ireland (had a good time but am exhausted) and then I found out that my dad had a kidney transplant the day I was returning (he's doing okay). So while there's a lot to write about, I'm not much in the mood. Sorry about that, but I will write further shortly.

Good Morni..., uhhh, Afternoon

It's only 2:00 and already it's been a long day. I'm wrapping up (or at least trying to) a bunch of stuff before I go on vacation and I keep thinking of stuff I need to do. Oh well, shit will be waiting for me here when I get back I guess. I'm not certain that I will be able or inclined to post anything while I'm on vacation, so this might be the last bit you hear from me until late next week (or if the plane crashes, ever). I should have some good travel stories, though, to share if I make it back safely. Chat with you soon.

Helps A-Comin' for GW!

Awesome title and corresponding photo. Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

Let The Good Times Roll

New research from Rutgers University suggests that the combination of exercise and caffeine increased destruction of precancerous cells that had been damaged by the sun's ultraviolet-B radiation. The study of mice indicated that there is a protective effect from both caffeine and voluntary exercise, and when both are combined the protection is even more than the sum of the two. Compared with the control animals, those drinking caffeine had a 95 percent increase in apoptosis in damaged cells. The exercisers showed a 120 percent increase, and the mice that were both drinking and running showed a nearly 400 percent increase.

Putting aside the obvious fantastic news that scientists have somehow discovered how to get mice to drink coffee, this is also a welcome discovery because I will probably have about a 1700 increase in apotosis (whatever that is) based on my caffeine consumption alone. Add in the occasional run, and I figure that purchasing sunscreen is probably a thing of the past, just like dinosaurs. Only, not as scary.

I'm Alive ...

... and still a corporate whore. I appreciate all the cards and letters and well wishings during my recent hiatus. After some back-and-forth last week, I finally turned down the job offer. I analyzed it to death (and thanks to everyone that I called to ask for their advice), but it boiled down to a few simple things - money and, uhhh, well something else I'm sure. Seriously, it was partly due to a proposed pay cut of approximately 15% (ouch), but there were was also some quality of life issues and pros/cons to balance out:

* Proposed job - 80 minute commute each way; daily bathing required; probably can't go barefoot at work; incessant surfing of sports and celebrity gossip websites probably frowned upon; actual physical interaction with other human beings probably a good thing.

* Current job - 30 second commute today; optional grooming habits; and freedom to eat, nap and run errands as I see fit (although I do spend most of my day working, believe it or not); periodic visits to Shit Louis and blog fodder from my bipolar bear boss.

So just like the current administration, I will grit my teeth for the next year or so and hope that the next year won't be as bad as the past eight months. I just hope that my corporate diaper is less full of crap than GW.

This Just In, David James is Still a Corporate Whore ....

I finally had my follow up discussion with potential employer this afternoon. I don't know what was worse, the actual conversation itself ("uhhh, can I pleeeeaassse have some more money") or my procrastinating and postponing it until the very end of the day? I'm sensing the latter. Despite my stammering, inability to articulate and utter greed, he wasn't entirely turned off. He said he would talk to his HR department and make a counter. God I am hoping all this will be quickly resolved, one way or another. Trying to work when I mentally have one foot out the door has been difficult and devoting mental energy and boring friends with my "what do you think" conversations is getting really old. Oh well, I should know more tomorrow (Tuesday). Wheee!

Sunday Reflection

Sorry this blog has gone to shit this past week or so, but I've been busy with work while also heavily debating as to whether to take a new job I was recently offered. As much as I would love to take it and get the hell out of this corporate M*A*S*H unit, it's just too much of a pay cut. I am scheduled to call them tomorrow to tell them what it would take for me to accept, but no matter how I slice the numbers, I'm still taking a financial hit if I leave my current company.

So I've come to the depressing conclusion that unless a miracle happens, I'm stuck with my current employer for another year (349 days to be exact until my options vest). There's actually a lot of things I like about my current job, so hopefully I can focus on those positive things as opposed to contemplating what a complete corporate whore I've become.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Goulet!

Sorry for the video post but: (a) while it's generally due to laziness, in this case I'm slammed with work and (b) it's pretty funny if you like Will Ferrell. Take a gander. New content tomorrow, I promise.

Perv of Wales

Fantastic photo of Prince Charles keeping abreast of military matters (ba dum bum!). It's refreshing to see that Charles still has it at 59 (!) and that Harry and William aren't the only royals getting a little bit of action. There's something about candid royal photos that you just have to love.

*Ow*

And this, boys and girls, is why I chose rugby over training for a decathlon. Well, that and I would suck at like six of the track and field events. But even if I did enter the decathlon, you can be sure as shit that I would pass on the pole vault and save myself for the next mortifying event.


http://view.break.com/329160 - Watch more free videos

The Blog Gets Rated

I just came across a handy little website which gives your blog an MPAA rating. I am proud to announce that mine is NC-17 rated. I'm not sure that I can really improve upon this (is there an NC-31?), but rest assured dear reader(s) that I will do my damnedest to continue to bring you the not-entirely-safe-for-work content you've grown accustomed to over the years.

"Officer, Let Me Explain What I Was Doing With That Duct Tape and Shovel ...."

I am not what you would call a huge fan of the state of Missouri for a number of reasons, many of which are work related and well documented in this blog (Editor’s note: I’ve deleted substantially all of my work-related rants for fear that my employer would discover them. Yes, my new boss makes me paranoid.)

But then I read a fun story like this and I realize "you know, there’s plenty to dislike about the state and its residents without having to rely upon my employer."

Timothy Pentaleri, of Belleville, Missouri, was charged with attempted kidnapping and two counts of attempted harassment/stalking, according to court documents. He allegedly laid out his plan to kidnap a former girlfriend in Minneapolis in a notebook, which included a flow chart, outlining his goal to stun, Mace and "club her hard," according to court documents.

Pentaleri -- an Army officer and, apparently, a total psycho -- showed up at the airport wearing a long-haired wig, a fake mustache and beard when he was stopped and questioned near an airport carousel, according to police. Authorities said he was found carrying a stun gun, three chemical aerosol Mace cans, a folding pocket knife, a set of SUV keys and an expandable baton. Was he arrested? Nope, he was simply issued a trespass notice and dropped off at an area hotel.

Now in most areas, this would be cause for arrest. Jesus, I get strip-searched at the goddamned airport if I carry on more than 3 ounces of liquids. But somehow this nutbag brings a stun gun, mace, pocket knife, and expandable baton to an aiport and gets off with a simple warning. What the fuck? But I have to keep reminding myself that this is Missouri and apparently this kind of thing is commonplace.

The story doesn't stop there though.

Police then reviewed footage from the camera monitoring system in the airport parking ramps and saw Pentaleri walking from the short-term ramp. They located his red GMC SUV parked there. Through the vehicle's window, police could see a duffel bag, a roll of duct tape, a shovel, rope and flex cuffs.

Pretty ordinary fare if you ask me. Honestly, who doesn't have flex cuffs and a shovel in their SUV?

Realizing that this guy might not be your typical Missouri gun nut, police then obtained a warrant to search the inside of the dude's SUV parked at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and found a notebook with a checklist of items inside the vehicle.

Do you think it ever occurred to them that they might have made a mistake in letting him go? Probably not. But wait, the story gets *even* better.

For some reason, the dumbass returned to his vehicle at which point the police stopped him. The searched his duffel bag to find the following items (and I quote "six condoms, a pillow case cut into strips, a camera, a turkey baster, KY oil, a bag of plastic gloves, two bags of zip ties, a package of Bic lighters, two-sided tape, shoe polish, a pair of nylon socks and Clorox disinfectant wipes."

I swear to god, I am not making this shit up. I honestly could not have made up a funnier list of items if I had tried. Two-sided tape and disinfectant wipes? Brilliant. On some level, you really have to admire this guy, either for his attention to detail ("Let's see here .... pillow case pre-cut into strips? Check...") and unbridled optimism (six condoms!). Does this dude know how to party or what? Seriously, this guy is some sort of cross between MacGyver and the A-Team. He doesn't need incarceration -- he needs his own TV show. This guy would blow "Dog The Bounty Hunter" (oh don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) out of the water. All he has to do is grow out his mullet and I swear I'm ordering the pay-per-view package right now.

Separated at Birth - Courtney Love

Here we have a recent photo of the 100% sane / sober / natural Courtney Love:


... and a Kabuki mask.


Seriously, what the hell is going on with Courtney Love's face? I know she's had a lot of work done, but I almost didn't even recognize her. She looks like the Joker, except more cartoon-like. Unfortunately, her disguise was spoiled by her trademarked trout mouth, lion's mane hairstyle, and usual coked-out expression.

And what the fuck is she wearing? By all appearances, she spent a good deal of time selecting her all-white snow queen ensemble, complete with matching leather snow gloves. But jesus christ, couldn't you take a couple of minutes to throw on a bra? Where you in that big a rush to be pose for the paparazzi? Evidently she can't button up your blouse while wearing those crazy snow mittens. Oh wait, on closer inspection it appears that there are no buttons -- it's meant to be worn just like that. Ack!

Good god woman, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my celebrity train wreck list here pretty soon.

Run Forest, Run!

So I went on what I thought would be a short little run in a regional park near where I live. It has trails and some hills and is very tranquil and woodsy. Certainly not the Oakland that everyone imagines.

Before I start off on my run, I double-check the trail map, grab my iPod with a thirty minute playlist of Goth/Country music, and take a final swig of water.

Now I should probably note that even though I've run this park a few times before, I tried a different trail each time so I can't say I'm extremely familiar with all the trails. I am familiar with the parking lot as well as the first mile or so of trail, but it's a bit of crapshoot after that. But I figure so long as I head out and maintain a steady circle, I should be just fine. I think to myself "seriously, how lost can I get in half an hour?"

So I head off on the main trail, make a right and after about 10 minutes I'm running along here:


... make a left, and I'm on this trail ....


... or should it have been a right? Oh well, who cares. I'll find the main path eventually. There are others hiking and riding on this trail, so I pay it no mind and keep running ....


Wow it's really pretty today although this path doesn't look very familiar. Oh well, it's a nice day, I don't have to think about my job and can just think about nothing. Hmmm, am I already getting near the end of my playlist? I guess it was shorter than I thought.


Okay seriously, where the fuck am I? I've been running for 40 minutes and none of this looks familiar at all. I don't have pictures of the actual trails I'm running on at this point, but they are very narrow and slightly overgrown with growth. It looks like the path below, but more jungly. (I realize "jungly" is not a word, but you get the idea.) There's no one else on the path, so my Donner Party survivor fallback plan is out the window.


At about minute 45 or so, I finally stumble upon what looks like the main trail. I keep on the trail until I run into the Chabot Observatory. Looking at the map there, I find that I had somehow veered *way* off my original path and am still a mile and a half way. Momentary panic attack aside, I continue on my way and finally make it back to the parking lot. And while I'm relieved that I won't have to eat grubs and berries until a rescue party locates me, it would have gotten me out of this crappy conference call I'm on right now. I guess I have to take the bad with the good.