I Swear I'm Not a Contestant

Clear your calendars! The 2006 "United States Air Guitar Championships" will be coming to San Francisco on May 11. I swear to god, it's true.

Check out some of the video clips from the "Hall of Fame" (or should that be "Hall of Shame?") and tell me if you don't find yourself mouthing the words "holy shit." Seriously, I would rather have my parents barge in on me masturbating than see me do this ridiculous air guitar shit (I refuse to use the word "perform."). Why not just call it "Virgin Geek of the Year" and be done with it?

Pop, I really, REALLY hope that this wasn't the big, secret music show you were talking about. Please say it ain't so.

Put That Coffee Down!

"We're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

Alec Baldwin, "Glengarry Glen Ross"

In today's "News of the Ick," lawyers for a woman who was spanked in front of her co-workers as part of what her employer said was a "team-building exercise" asked a jury yesterday for at least $1.2 million for the humiliation she says she suffered.

Janet Orlando, 53, quit her job at a home security company and sued, alleging discrimination, assault, battery and infliction of emotional distress. Employees were paddled with rival companies' yard signs as part of a contest that pitted sales teams against each other, according to court documents. The winners poked fun at the losers, throwing pies at them, feeding them baby food, making them wear diapers and swatting their buttocks.

Wow. And I thought it would have sucked to have worked at the "Glengarry Glen Ross" sales offices. That place looked reserved compared to this place. That being said, I can put up with a lot of crap for $1.2 million. Shit for $1.2 million I would gladly pose naked next to a ruler as part of a team-building exercise. Too bad the job is in Orlando.

Laser Cats

"There are two things that everyone loves, cats and lasers!"

Outstanding video clip from SNL. Thanks to JP for sending.

I Like

Sorry for the absence boys and girls. I'm still recovering from my trip and swamped with work .... not to mention the flu/throat cancer I seemed to have picked up last week. I'm headed to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully that will turn the trick. In the interim, I've posted this classic Ali G skit with Borat in the South. The look on the woman's face towards the end of the video clip when he shares the pictures of his wife are classic.

Whistling Dixie

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, but I've just been inundated with work and feeling under the weather recently. I felt to post this horrific picture, though, to tide you over the weekend.

Help Keep Katie Quiet

This is a fun little game where the goal is to catch Tom's crazy pills in order to to keep Katie quiet during her delivery or else Xenu will come and take her away. Will Katie remain completely Silent during birth in accordance with Scientology's completely rational beliefs? It's up to you to protect her from the evil alien overlord Xenu.

Real World United Flight 289

So I was enjoying a lovely non-eventful travel day. The drive to the airport was smooth (thanks again, VMD, for the lift), the airport check-in was fine, and I didn’t lose anything. Sweet. I even got through airport security -- which has basically evolved into an exercise of “how naked do you want me to get?” -- relatively quickly. Wow.

I know it’s not going to last. I’m like Charlie Brown striding towards the football, except it's the travel fairy instead of Lucy who invariably yanks it away at the last second.

I’m curious, what will it be this time? Psychotic seatmate? Done that. Non-stop turbulence? Yawn. Terrorist? Who knows?

So we’re taxiing down the runway when all of a sudden, the woman sitting in the seat in front of me begins throwing up. Quite a bit. Fuck. Perhaps it was the ipecac milkshake. Maybe it was the pre-flight beef nachos. Who knows?

At this point in time, I can only agree with what Pop Renaissance and others have observed -- I am cursed. God only knows what I did in a past life to deserve this bad travel karma, but my guess is that in my past life I was one of the Uruguayan rugby players that crashed in the Andes and cannibalized his own teammates.

So I’m sitting here, entirely disbelieving what I am seeing, hearing and, shortly thereafter, smelling. The stranger sitting next to her almost jumped out of his seat, as he frantically tried to call the flight attendant. Unfortunately, the airsickness bags weren’t all that effective.

Long story short, we ended up stopping the plane entirely to make sure that the woman, who was in her 80’s and frail, was okay. After 30 minutes of inquiry and waiting, we decided to head back to the gate where we were met by paramedics who took attended to her and helped her off the plane to seek medical attention. The good news is that she appeared to be doing fine and the flight attendants and paramedics were very kind and helpful with her. Now if they only had a few cans of air freshener we would be all set.

After a 70 minute delay, we are back in the air. Karma being what it is, I figure it can’t get any worse (can it?). And I was pretty much right on. The only other observations were relatively benign in comparison:

* There’s some guy on the plane wearing a pillow fastened entirely around his neck. He bears a strong resemblance to one those disobedient dogs that wears one of those plastic collars around its neck. Two words - fucking retarded. You know, unless you have the neck strength of a three-month old baby, there’s no reason to be wearing one of those. Suck it up, Sparky.

* The captain has kindly “purchased” a round of drinks for everyone on the flight to make up for the late departure. Uhhh, hey there captain I hate to remind you, but we were delayed because someone with a weak stomach couldn’t hold whatever she consumed. Do you really want to start a plane-full of people down that same path?

* To answer your next question, yes I did. Hello sweet vodka. Nice to see you again.

* The middle-aged couple sitting next to me insist on going to the bathroom at the same time. I thought it was a coincidence, until they did two more times. Now I’m not certain if: (a) I’m exuding an aura of “angry and unstable seatmate,” (b) they’re looking to repeatedly join the Mile High Club or (c) she needs to help him empty his colostomy bag, but it’s disconcerting in any event.

* I happened to glance up and noticed that a passenger was watching some movie where Salma Hayek was running around half-naked in some lingerie. Now we’re talking! This flight is beginning to perk up a bit.

The rest of the flight was pretty non-descript and benign. It’s great to be home, even if it means that I have to return to the M*A*S*H* unit which is my job. Oh well, at least I’m not on a plane any more.

Lastly, mark your calendars, boys and girls. My next flight is scheduled for the end of the month. My rugby team is headed to Missoula Montana for the annual Maggot Rugby Festival, which should be a great time. I will endeavor to take a few G-rated rugby photos for those interested.

Real World Cleveland

Derek has been busy posting some great photos on his blog (no need to post them twice), so I thought I would provide some of the highlights/lowlights of the trip.

Since people don't know who James is, many of the jokes (which were at his expense) will be lost on people. However, for those in the know "do we have any ice," "there's a lake," non-working windshield wipers on "daddy," the whispering of "dude am I an alcoholic?" and shouting out the window were a few of the highlights on the way up. You know who you are.

Not knowing Cleveland, we decided to stay downtown in the Theater District, which was pretty dead when we arrived. After checking in, we headed down to the Warehouse District for a couple of libations, including a late night birthday toast ("Cheers!"). The evening was non-descript but we were pretty beat after a full 7+ hour drive and knowing tomorrow would be a full day. Besides, Mr. Chips was pretty hammered and looking to pick a fight with some of the locals.

Saturday arrived and we went to the New York City Diner, which as Derek noted, was a shithole. We ended up there because it was the only thing open within a couple of blocks from where we were staying. Suffice it to say, I passed on the salami omelet and the boiled potato.

After choking down breakfast, we hiked over to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, which was great. They had some amazing artifacts and displays and is a really great museum. I just wish we had more time to spend there because there was way too much stuff to try take in one day. Hell, the ZZ Top display took over an hour by itself.

With good intentions, we headed over to the Warehouse District for some later afternoon coffee. However, we succumbed to the seduction of the bar at Sushi Rock, where we had a few blue drinks and some decent sushi. This is going to be a long night.

After heading back to the hotel briefly, we headed back out for big dinner at the Chophouse (where one of the parties in the group ate a rack of lamb AND a lobster tail for dinner) and drinks at various Cleveland establishments, including, without limitation, Sushi Rock, Brasa, Mallorca (were we actually ate more food, believe it or not), Metropolitan Cafe and XO.

There were a lot more fuzzy/funny details, but you get the idea. A couple of pictures courtesy of Derek are posted below:







Cleveland was okay as a destination, but it was pretty dead in the daytime so we need to find a new destination for next year. We've done New York a couple of times and Pittsburgh and Beaver PA are out for a number of reasons, so we're open to some suggestions. We've kicked around Miami, Montreal and San Diego among other places, but recommendations are welcome.

A Good Start to the Birthday Weekend

It's About That Time ...

I get tons of mail asking “David James, when will you be traveling next so we can read about your latest dreadful flying experience?”

Well good news boys and girls, that day is today (Thursday). I am headed to Washington, D.C. for a little R&R (i.e., drunken weekend) with friends. And with the recent departure of one of my friends and colleagues from work (including the assumption of much of his work), I am certainly in need of a drink (or five).

I prepare myself mentally for the trip by telling myself that nothing out of the ordinary will happen. Of course, I also tell myself that Scarlett Johansson will soon fall under my spell, so it’s clear that this tactic has a less than stellar track record. But a fella can wish, can’t he?

It’s 6:00 a.m. and the security line at the Oakland airport is a mile long. And people are grumpy. I’m like “Hey people, we’re all in the same boat. Yes, I know it’s early, we haven’t had coffee yet, and we’re all getting on the crazy flying machine/death trap. But calm down and just deal with it.”

Even though I’ve flown what seems like a thousand times, I forget to take my laptop out of my bag and place it in a separate bin for scanning. I don’t know why, I simply forgot. They usually remind you as you prepare to pass through the x-ray machine, but I can’t blame them.

And since I forgot to remove it, I need to go through special security during where they ask “Do you have a laptop in there?” I am going to give you a quiz as to the my response. Please see if you can guess: (i) the proper response, and (ii) the response that went through my mind:

(a) “You’re the one with the goddamn x-ray machine, what the fuck does it look like?”
(b) “No, it’s a homemade bomb designed to look like a laptop.”
(c) “Yes, there is. I forgot to remove it sir.”

Answer (c) it was. And it’s really silly since they didn’t don’t do anything special other than wipe down my laptop with a swab looking for bomb residue (hence my reluctance to respond with answer (b). The conduct another scan of my laptop using the same x-ray machine and pronounce it safe. While I’m in favor of airport security it really is silly sometimes.

Before getting on the plane, I conduct my regular visual scan of my fellow passengers to see who I’m invariably going to be stuck sitting next to. Let’s see …. there doesn’t appear to be a local sumo team on the plane … no apparent Al Qaeda operatives … hmm, there’s a woman that’s traveling with her little yip dog, but since she’s not carrying a cane, I’m assuming that it’s going to be checked. Otherwise, I can’t seem to spot any other social misanthropes. Wow, am I really going to have an uneventful flight? If so, whatever will I write about?

I happened to sleep for a couple of hours on my flight, so I missed irregularities. But I did manage to observe the following when I was awake.

* Yes, as luck would have it, the owner of the tiny yip dog is seated right in front of me. And to my surprise, so is her precious little dog. I stand up to get a closer look and it’s a Chihuahua. I hate Chihuahuas.

* About halfway through the flight, we suddenly experience really bad turbulence. For some irrational reason, I figured there wouldn’t be any because we weren’t landing in Denver. I was wrong. And it turns out the yip dog doesn’t like turbulence either and is letter its owner know by barking. Fantastic.

* There’s a 50 year old man reading a magazine of some sort having to do with some sort of comic book/video gaming convention and he’s paying close attention to the ads selling superhero costumes. I would bet my 401(k) that he’s never been laid. And if he has been laid, I’m certain that he had to pay for it.

* Oh my god, I think the dog just crapped. Disgusting.

* The approach into DC was awful. We bounced around for a solid 10 minutes before skidding to a safe landing. After an hour wait for my bags, I was finally off to sunny (and muggy) DC. Not having seen the sun for the last 2 weeks, I actually welcomed the warmth and humidity. Go figure.

* * * Warning * * *

This is the annual boys’ birthday weekend in DC, where I get together with some of my old friends and have a great time. The warning part has to do with the fact that DerekB and I will be jointly blogging about the adventure, along with some running commentary by VMD and JM. The post (if published) will likely appear sometime on Sunday or Monday. That being said, it should be noted that this site represents the official voice of the weekend. Anything contradictory which appears on okletmejustsaythis is likely a figment of DerekB’s imagination, including any drunken photos (which are likely doctored). Please disregard. That is all.

Ick of the Day

Dear Melanie:

Good god, what have you done to yourself? I admit I was never your biggest fan, but I thought you were cute in “Working Girl” and not totally insane. But then you went and discovered collagen, botox and breast implants and made yourself unrecognizable. After years of drugs and other self-abuse (i.e., plastic surgery) and this recent picture shows what all that effort produced. Holy shit. Time to lay off the plastic surgery and drugs, honey, and take care of yourself. Having “Antonio” tattooed on your arm doesn’t guarantee that he won’t wake up some morning and run away screaming after suddenly realizing that you’ve been transmogrified into a medusa.

Shallowly Yours,

David James

N.B. I am traveling tomorrow to D.C. for my semi-annual sabbatical from California, so I ill not be posting/online much. A detailed summary of my trip (minus any drunken stories or other embarrassing personal happenings) will appear shortly.

Real World Denver

I have a confession - I'm a big fan of MTV's "The Real World." It's true. I don't watch it religiously, but whenever I do happen to turn to MTV and it's on, well ... I've been known to waste some time learning about the grueling "real world" struggles that these 7 strangers face. You know, living in a strange city for 3 months, without having to worry about making the mortgage payment on their ridiculous flat. Or even holding down a real job (I do not consider "Making an ass of one's self on TV" to be a real job). But it's such a train wreck that I usually can't help myself.

So it was a pleasant surprise when I learned today that MTV has decided to film its next Real World season in my former 'hood of Denver, Colorado. Yes, prepare yourself Kate, A-Train and JP - the 18th season of "The Real World” will begin production in Denver in Q2 2006. The next season of the popular MTV reality series is scheduled to premiere Q4 2006 and is slated for 24 episodes.

And while I understand it's normal to sometimes exaggerate things a bit in press releases, the quotes that emanated from this announcement went a bit above and beyond:

* "Denver has absolutely everything we could hope for -- diversity, activities, energy and nightlife,” said Lois Curren, Executive Vice President, MTV Series Entertainment. “We’re sure that the character and spirit of this picturesque city will be endlessly compelling to the seven roommates and audience alike.”

* “We are thrilled to be shooting our upcoming season in the Mile High City,” said Jon Murray, creator and Executive Producer of ‘The Real World’. “A gorgeous landscape at the foot of the Rockies coupled with a diverse population and unique amenities make Denver an ideal setting for our 18th season.”

* “This is a tremendous opportunity for Denver to showcase our cultural and recreational vibrancy to a very large, young audience,” said Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper.

* "The State of Colorado is already known for its unbeatable skiing and Rocky Mountain vistas," said Colorado Governor Bill Owens. "'The Real World' will showcase a different side of Colorado, with Denver's burgeoning nightlife and the countless cultural and entertainment options that make our state capital 'Real' world-class. MTV has made an outstanding choice."

"Diversity"? "Picturesque"? "Cultural vibrancy"? "Burgeoning nightlife and the countless cultural and entertainment options"? WTF? Are we talking about Denver, Colorado? Or is there a Denver, Spain I'm unaware of?

Look, I'm not trying to put down the cow town (so please don't tell me I suck or the city I currently live in sucks or that I should never visit again). There are a lot of things I like and miss about Denver. But when I think of Denver, the terms diversity, cultural vibrancy or burgeoning nightlife never enter my mind. Denver is one of the whitest, most homogenous cities I've ever spent time in so I'm shocked that that term would be used to describe Denver (and more than once, too).

As far as culture, I have found that it's mostly limited to sports teams and skiing. Denver is far prouder of the fact that they have professional football, baseball, basketball and hockey teams rather than decent museums. (I will admit, though, that their sports teams are generally better than what you find out here, so I'll give them that.)

But "burgeoning nightlife?" To paraphrase Bill Lumberg from "Office Space" - "Ummm, yeah. I'm going to have to sort of disagree with you there." Seriously, good luck finding a decent dinner after 10:00 in that burgeoning nightlife. And if anyone suggests Pete’s Kitchen, then they must be confusing the term “decent dinner” with “food poisoning.”

That being said, I will fondly watch all 24 episodes of "The Real World: Denver." I'm a junkie for the show and I'll enjoy seeing my old stomping grounds, even if they are being trampled with 7 pampered, annoying twenty-somethings.

P.S. Thanks to HM for the information. I know you'll be watching it as well.

Midget Picture-Free Post

I've been busy as shit with work, what with one co-worker leaving and my disfunctional department run like a goddamn M*A*S*H unit. So while I have been swamped dealin with the "Frank Burnses" of the world, I've been unable to post anything creative or interesting or respond to tags or anything of the like.

So what do I do? I simply dig into the blog vault and pick out something which I hope is remotely funny. And given that I'm headed out to DC this week, I figured I would repost one of my posts about flying.

Hope to have some new stuff soon.

~~~~~~~~~~

For those that don’t know me, I’m not a big fan of flying. And by “not a big fan of,” I really mean “strongly dislike.” It’s not just simply the flight itself. I’ve actually come to loathe the entire experience. From the security line strip show …. to the cattle call boarding process …. to the annoying/chatty/snoring seatmate …. to the inevitable armrest wrestling match … it’s just a not so great time. However, the gods have smiled down upon me today and blessed me with a few new bonus experiences during this trip (forgive the verb tense, but I typed these notes as they were happening at the airport/on the plane):

* Remind me when it was that men become incapable of carrying their fucking luggage? Seriously, what grown man is incapable of carrying a 25 pound bag and instead has to rely upon one of those rolling luggage devices? I nearly collided with some asshole that refused to lift his bags as he rounded a 90 degree corner -- even as he saw me oncoming -- forcing me to dive out of his way in order to avoid him. I honestly don’t know how I restrained myself from knocking the teeth out of his mouth.

* The woman sitting across the isle from me just started eating some carry-on Indian food. Lucky me. It smells like curried skunk. God, I pity whoever has to use the restroom after her tomorrow. I hope her ass burns later on like my nostrils are right now.

* The 50+ year old flight attendant keeps brushing up against me with her ass during this flight. Now, it’s probably just a serious of accidents or one big mere coincidence -- or it could just have to do with the fact that she has an enormous caboose. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she were a hot 50 year old, like Kim Bassinger. But I’ve seen Kim Bassinger … I’ve masturbated to Kim Bassinger … and you, ma’am, are no Kim Bassinger.

* The woman sitting next to me keeps dividing her attention between my laptop and the book that the window seat guy is reading. Jesus Christ, did it never occur to you that you would be stuck on an airplane for 2 1/2 hours with nothing to do? Would it kill you to carry on your own reading materials? Or did the Oakland airport sell out of Readers Digest? At last, she’s finally decided to peruse the United in-flight magazine “Hemisphere.” I guess the “Things To Do In Scottsdale” article was too tempting to resist.

* I think the curried beef woman just farted. Fuck, it smells like a combination of ass, rancid beef and paprika. God, I am going to puke right now.

* When flying in and out of Denver, one invariably experiences some turbulence when flying over the mountains. It’s just inevitable, so I figured I was accustomed to the bit of choppiness I thought I would encounter. I was dead wrong. There was an awful 10 minute stretch where the plane was bouncing around and I found myself shaking uncontrollably in my seat like Katharine Hepburn in a wind tunnel. Fun times.

I finally arrived at DIA and, with bags finally in hand, was off to my friend’s wedding weekend in Breckenridge. Thank god, I could use a drink (or six).

1,001 Words

Okay, this is the last photo from the Spears birthday party. It appears as of one of the little performers was overserved. Good times.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Baseball's opening day is here. And you know when I think of opening day, I think of sunshine (which seems to be permanently absent here in the Bay Area), hotdogs and Crackerjacks, the crack of the bat ... and, of course, Hello Kitty.

In keeping with the longstanding baseball/hotdog/Hello Kitty tradition, Ms. Kitty threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Arizona Diamondbacks home opener. Why they didn't have any other Arizona luminaries out there is a puzzle, but you can imagine the conversation:

Baseball Official #1: "How about John McCain?"

Baseball Official #2: "Busy."

Baseball Official #1: "Okay, how about Lute Olsen?

Baseball Official #2: "Ditto."

Baseball Official #1: "Shit, what's the mayor of Phoenix doing that day?"

Baseball Official #2: "He's unavailable as well. We're going to have to go with Plan B."

Baseball Official #1: "Well fuck a duck. Who do you have in mind?"

And that's how they ended up with famous Arizona native Hello Kitty throwing out the first pitch. Perfect choice.

Another picture and a link for those of you (and you know who you are) that will immediately peruse the remaining photos.

Help! I Seen a Ghost!

You know your political capital is spent when William F. Buckley says your presidency will be judged entirely by the outcome of the war in Iraq, which is currently a failure.

Nice work, GW.

Goodbye Dickhead

Just one month after easily winning a contested primary for his House seat in suburban Houston, embattled Rep. Tom DeLay has decided to drop out of his re-election race and instead plans to resign from Congress by the end of May. In an interview Monday with "Time" magazine, DeLay (the former exterminator who is facing criminal charges and the political fallout associated with his ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff) said that even though he still believed he could win re-election, he is a realist and did not want to risk losing the seat to a Democratic challenger.

"This had become a referendum on me," DeLay said. "So it's better for me to step aside and let it be a referendum on ideas, Republican values and what's important for the district."

I love how DeLay plays the old "I'm being persecuted" angle by using codewords like "referendum on me." Boo hoo. I hate to break it to you Hammer, but you brought all this shit on yourself. You are one of the most loathsome and vile people in all of Congress. Here are just a few of his most recent gems:

* Asked three young Katrina evacuees, “Now tell me the truth, boys, is this kind of fun?”

* Claimed that there was “no fat left to cut” from the federal budget to offset New Orleans reconstruction costs.

* Explaining his failure to enlist during Vietnam: "So many minority youths had volunteered ... that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself."

* Last year, he smiled for his criminal mugshot like it was a campaign poster.

I wish you nothing but the worst in the future and hope you enjoy the bighouse. To paraphrase Office Space, "Watch your cornhole, Tom."

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

And in this case, the first two words are "holy shit!"

As previously reported, Britney Spears hired two female "little people" to deliver a birthday cake and sing "Happy Birthday" at her husband's birthday party. You can probably figure out which ones they are in the above photo (psst - make sure to look for the ones with the small shoes).

Most people likely thought that the NY Daily News article was made up or exaggerated ("are you sure that wasn't Lil Kim?"), but the proof is in the pudding. Outstanding. A couple of things I love about this picture:

* You know Britney's awkward side pose was done in an effort to make her look smaller. That's the main problem when you invite little people and then pose with them -- you lose sense of scale.

* I love that the women in green has basically copied Britney's same pose. You almost think she's mocking her. Or at least I hope so.

* What the hell is the woman in the blue wearing? Awful.

And what's one more for the road:



I love how he dresses up for his birthday party by sporting a NY Yankees hat and white white-beater t-shirt. Wow, I couldn't see that ensemble coming. I was hoping he would opt for something a bit more formal, like cornrows and an over-sized white t-shirt. Well, there's always their anniversary.

The Graduate (Redux)

In today’s “News of the Bizarre” it was announced that “Sea Of Love” star Ellen Barkin has signed on as the latest leading lady for the second sequel to “Ocean's Eleven.” “Ocean's Thirteen” (the obviously named sequel to “Ocean's Twelve”) will feature Barkin, who will be stepping in to replace former leading ladies Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones and will get closely involved with Matt Damon's character Linus Caldwell.

When I read this news my jaw nearly hit the floor. I could hear myself screaming in my mind “what in the fuck is wrong with these people?”

Yes, this is the same Ellen Barkin who was in “Diner” and “The Big Easy” back in the 80’s. As in twenty years ago. And she wasn’t hot then at all. Rather she had that uneasy fish-like look. Her eyes are way too far apart -- almost like their on opposite sides of her head -- and her mouth looks not unlike a carp’s. You know, it’s the same look that Cameron Diaz has co-opted, some 20 years later, although we still try to convince ourselves that she’s attractive. Ick.

Look, I get the whole “older woman, insecure younger guy” social/sexual taboo thing. I actually liked it when they originally did it and called it “The Graduate” (although I was scarred for years when I saw “Harold & Maude” in high school). But who in their right minds wants to see a half-nekked Ellen Barkin doing a knock off impression of Sharon Stone ala “Basic Instinct 2?” I mean, if you’re going to have someone nude and throwing themselves at Matt Damon, can we at least make it Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson? Hell, I'll settle for any actress that doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Nemo.