I Guess It's Not 1985 Any More

So last night my brain was kind of fried, so I started flipping through the channels until I came across something that required very little gray matter. It took, oh, all of three seconds before I stumbled across “Celebrity Fit Club 3,” or as I like to call it “What The Fuck Happened To You In The Past Decade”?

[ Note: And as an aside, I am not someone that’s cares what I or anyone else weighs. I am not a weight/body shape snob at all, so please no angry comments. ]

I joined the show half way in, so I’m trying to figure out how many “celebrities” I can identify. Okay, there’s Chastity Bono, Tempesst Bledsoe (“Cosby Show”), and Jeff Conaway ( “Taxi” and “Grease”), who it should be pointed out was high as a kite on the show. I kept looking … and then all of a sudden I recognize one more celebrity … Kelly LeBrock.

THE Kelly LeBrock from “Weird Science.” Remember?



Holy shit, what is she doing here?

I loved Kelly LeBrock in “Weird Science,” as did every other pubescent teen who saw that movie. She was the 80’s version of Angelina Jolie. Smoking hot. And then she married Steven Seagal -- that pony-tailed karate freak that has “acted” in dozens of utterly forgettable action films -- and everything went downhill for her after that.

Despite her presence on the show, I still think Kelly looks good and I’m wondering why she’s even on there. Sure she’s put on a few pounds, but who doesn’t as they age? And then at the end of the show, she jumps on the scale and I was shocked to see she was 175 lbs. at the start of the show (down to 165 by the time I tuned in). I was totally shocked because I honestly didn’t think she looked that big. Perhaps it’s the 10 lbs. collagen that she had put into her already Mick Jagger-like mouth.

My shock then turned to anger, as I started thinking about how Steven Seagal ruined her. God, I wish they never met. I had a huge crush on her. What did she ever see in him anyway? I guess chicks dig martial arts dudes with ponytails. Go figure.

Anyway, Kelly -- I still love you ... call me. Steven - I hope you get raped by a bear.