I’m Sorry

Dear United Airlines:

I know I’ve had some harsh things to say about you, but really it was more about those parts about flying that I don’t enjoy and over which you exercise no control -- passengers, turbulence and the like. I was frustrated and blaming you for those things. And while it’s arguable as to whether any of my statements rose to the level of slander (my counsel has advised me that they do not), I realize that, at the very least, the derogatory statements I’ve made about you in person and print could be charitable described as derogatory.

The reason I am apologizing to you is because today, I flew another airlines -- I flew Southwest Airlines from Oakland to St. Louis -- and let me tell you I never realized how good I had it with you. Yes, I’ve experienced some of the same nuisances with you as I did with Southwest today. Today, it was shitty turbulence into Salt Lake City (as opposed to Denver) and an annoying passenger that smelled vaguely of cheese and body odor. But there was a lot of shit that Southwest did to me that you never did:

* There is no reserved seating whatsoever. While I can appreciate the egalitarian approach of a First Class-free airlines, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the seating free-for-all that ensued when we boarded. It reminded me a little bit of law school when whatever random seat you selected on the first day turned out to be your permanent seating location for the entire semester. So Southwest reminds me of law school …. and I hated law school.

* Unbeknownst to me, a “direct” flight is not the same as a “non-stop” flight. “Non-stop” means you don’t stop at all between Point A and Point B. “Direct” means that you don’t have to get off the plane, but you could land numerous times between Point A and Point B. You never lied to me like that.

* 137 seats. 140 passengers. You do the math. Sugar, I never had anyone sit on my lap during one of your flights -- ever!

* You always take me to cool places I actually want to go to, like Washington DC, San Francisco, Denver, and Mexico. But this time, Southwest is taking me to Missouri -- which is one of the reddest of Red States -- and I really have no desire to go there. You never did that to me, honey.

Baby, I’m sorry it ever happened. Please forgive me. I promise it will never happen again. Except for Wednesday morning because flying you was like $600 more expensive. But then I promise never to go back again.

Love,

David James
Frequent Flyer #3939872

P.S. You also never subjected me to a 10+ minute discussion among the passengers sitting behind me as to whether Credence Clearwater Revival’s musical genre should be classified as folk, blues rock, country or soft rock. Who the fuck cares? And now I have a headache. Thanks Southwest passengers.

P.P.S. On a side note, I noted that Southwest only charges $4 for a cocktail and $3 for beer and wine. I’m not complaining mind you, just trying to give you an idea as to what the competition is doing.