Techical Difficulties

For some reason, this free website is giving me difficulties as I try to post some photos. I guess you get what you pay for. Oh well, so much for today's visual humor.

Today's "News of the Disgusting" is brought to you by my favorite 24 Hour Fitness gym. No, not the one in San Francisco that brought you the tofu hot dog story. Rather it's the one in Oakland that brought you this post as well as this rant. Just so everyone's clear on which freak show scene I'm talking about.

To set the scene, I go to wash my hands after using the restroom (as everyone should do, although not everyone follows this simple rule for some disgusting reason). Anyway, they don't have paper towels - ironically for sanitation reasons -- but instead have those adjustable hot air blowers that you dry your hands under. As I turn to go dry off my hands, I look over and see that some dude has turned the air blower upside down (i.e., aiming straight up) and is using it to dry off his package! He literally has his scrotum and wiener resting on the hot air blower as it's going full steam.

It reminded me of the old Mr. Bean videoclip:



My first thought was "what the fuck are you doing? Do you realize you are in public?" My next thought was one of utter revulsion. My last thought was "this poor guy could really use a Philips Bodygroomer if he needs a high-powered hand dryer to blow dry his pubic hair."

Fast forward five days later and I noticed that there was another guy with his head covered with a towel. He had his towel-covered head buried in the same upside-down hand dryer, attempting to dry his hair. At least it was on his head. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that one man's makeshift hair dryer is another man's testicle drying machine.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. I spent a very quiet holiday with family and enjoyed a carb-tastic dinner. Everyone I know loves the Thanksgiving meal (perhaps minus a few annoying relatives), so I've wondered why we only have turkey and all the fixings once per year. I mean, it's not like there's some sort of stuffing shortage or cranberry sauce embargo. The good holidays start to dwindle in the early part of the year, so why not have "Thanksgiving Day II" in, say, June? It's not like "Flag Day" is knocking anyone's socks off.

Hello Bankruptcy

My counter-counter-offer was just accepted on this house. It's located in the Bay Area, which means I will be subsisting on a steady diet of Top Ramen and tap water for the foreseeable future. But at least you all have a place to crash next time you visit Northern California.

Seriously, I am a bit freaked out by it all but oh well. But I figure I've got an extra kidney, just in case I run short of cash. Home inspection is tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Tom Cruise is a Giant

If you're like me, you waited breathlessly all weekend for updates and photos from the big Tom Cruise-Kate Holmes wedding this weekend.

Okay, truth be told, I really didn't give this non-event one second of thought this weekend. Sure, it's not often when a famous celebrity marries his third beard, but still I have a lot of better things to do. Like play rugby. Although this time I didn't make the same mistake as the prior weekend, where I was seriously undercaffeinated for the game (although I didn't think I would play then with my busted up thumb). Instead, I was amped up with caffeine (4 shots of espresso, a couple of Red Bulls and a Coca Cola Zero). I was also fitted with a handy new thumb protector. Actually, it was the splint that my doctor issued me, which I cut down to make less bulky. Pretty neat, eh? Anyway, it worked well and I had played just fine up until the time in the game that my heart actually exploded. Oh well.

Anyway, I've posted this weeding photo to note the amazing growth spurt of Tom Cruise. You remember those kids in high school that grew about 5 inches in one year? Well apparently Tom Cruise just entered puberty and hit the same growth spurt. Either that or he's standing on the backs of his Scientologist groomsmen. Because there's no fucking way that he's taller than her, as evidenced by the following photo:

Honestly, she must be knee-deep in a whole to stand eye level with her diminutive, nut-job husband.

Dear 8 lb, 6 oz Baby Jesus....

It’s the unholy hour of 6:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, and I’m standing in a security line at SFO airport. There’s about 30 people ahead of me in line, so I’m not alone in my enjoyment. As we shuffle through, one of the TSA agents reminds travelers that there liquids permitted on the plane. Evidently, the tourists ahead of me in line didn’t receive a copy of the memo outlining the well known travel restrictions and were forced to throw away 3 bottles of Napa’s finest wine that they had attempted to smuggle on the plane. Ouch.

As I finally make my way through the line, the splint on my arm draws the attention of security and I am whisked away to a special area for closer scrutiny. Evidently there’s something in the Security Level Orange level that requires individuals wearing medical-related devices to submit to extra-special security screening. God knows what happens to travelers in wheelchairs once the security level is cranked up to Red, but I think it involves a full body cavity search.

Unfortunately for my readers, the rest of my travel to St. Louis was pretty non-descript. I had an entire row to myself, passed out about 10 minutes into the flight, and slept pretty much the entire way. No Shrek-like seatmates, no vomiting octogenarians, no flatulent teens.

What can I say about St. Louis itself? I’m basically out in the suburbs, right near the nation’s largest strip mall (congratulations, Missouri) and I can’t get over the combination of Red State, Wal-Mart, and the general level of unhealthiness. People smoke in bars and restaurants, the serving sizes are ridiculous, and everything appears to be deep fried, even when it doesn’t need to be. The best example of this was one of the dessert options at dinner one night -- deep fried cheesecake. Yup, that pretty much sums up St. Louis for me.

Fortunately for my audience, my flight back from St. Louis on Thursday contained its normal level of heightened annoyance. Within 5 minutes of taking off, I notice that the airplane smells vaguely of vomit. And by vaguely, I mean “strongly.” But it’s no big deal. I’m sure that I can hold my breath for 3.2 hours.

It turns out that the source of the smell was the woman in the row directly in front of me, who is eating some fragrant delicacy that I think is some combination of cod, vinegar and sweat socks. God bless her for sparing people in the airport by waiting until the flight had commenced before breaking into her dinner. What a thoughtful lass.

The voice over the intercom just announced that the in flight movie would be “Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.” Wow, things are starting to look up. The rest of the flight I alternate between “Ricky Bobby” and Season 2 episodes of “Arrested Development” and was perfectly content. It even helped me to temporarily forget the putrid stench which was the dinner of the woman in seat 14D. Good times.

Is it Wednesday?

For the thousands (okay, few) of you that were concerned about the status of my thumb, here's a quick update. I got x-rays on Friday to make sure it wasn't broken. They x-rays turned out to be negative, but evidently I have some sprained ligaments in there. So they gave me a splint to protect it, which led to the following exchange:

Me: "So if it's not structural, it's really just a pain tolerance issue, isn't it?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Me: "So I could play rugby on it tomorrow, in theory?"
Doctor: "I wouldn't advise it."

Fast forward 24 hours later and there I am playing in our first preseason game of the year.

Yes, Virginia, I am retarded.

Update: Travel blog to appear late today or early tomorrow.

Thursday Musings

I've got bad news, good news and great news, boys and girls.

The bad news: I think I may have broken my thumb at rugby practice.

The good news: I have plenty of leftover vicodin from the last time I broke something else playing rugby.

I injured my right thumb - which unfortunately is my party hand - so we'll see how that goes. Chopsticks and thumbwresting are out for a while, but I am able to type and dial into mind-numbing conference calls. So at least my employer is happy.

The great news is not that the Dems took back Congress or that Britney Spears finally came to her senses ... even better than that. I am flying to St. Louis next week! Which means one thing -- more travel nightmares for your reading enjoymen. My nightmare is your amusement! So I'll make sure to find a seat next to the 300 pound sasquatch with the irritable bowels and take plenty of notes.

*** EXCLUSIVE - Pastor Ted Haggard Photo***

I dunno, this picture of Pastor Haggard and male prostitute/ masseuse Mike Jones appears perfetly innocent and heterosexual to me. Personally, I think the whole matter was overblown (pun intended).

Video of the Year

Below is a great videoclip from the movie "Jesus Camp" of Pastor Ted Haggard preaching against homosexuality.



Self loathing, they name is Ted Haggard.

$100 In One Breath

Can you name all the Republicans who have been convicted or are currently under criminal investigation in a single breath?



Thanks to VMD for sending ....

Halloween, The Blog

Happy belated Halloween. Given my sweet tooth, it's really convenient that I have a six and a four year old that also happen to have a penchant for candy. So how great is it that the powers that be created Halloween (a/k/a "Beg For Candy Day")?

A quick rundown of the evening's events. Photos to hopefully follow later.

4:20 - I leave work early (shhh!) and change into my handy doctor's costume. This is the same outfit that I wore to the rugby tournament in Missoula, MT and which I actually played rugby in during our last game of the tournament. Suffice it to say, it's seen better days.

4:30 - Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Mr. Incredible and Dr. Strangelove hit the streets in search of candy.

4:35 - I just consumed my first piece of Halloween candy eaten (Tootsie Pop for those of you keeping score at home).

4:42 - First bag of M&Ms is gone. Jesus, I need to slow down but right now I have the willpower of Courtney Love in a pharmacy.

5:16 - We visit one of the neighbors who opens the door half-dressed. "You're five minutes early" she says as she's trying to pull up the top of her costume. Evidently so.

5:25 - The kids are finally getting the hang of it. They're no longer dawdling on the porch, admiring the decorations or taking an inventory of the candy they just received. I think the "more houses = more candy" equation is starting to settle in.

5:32 - Some crabby neighbor says "where's your trick?" While technically accurate, this phrase hasn't been uttered since the Nixon administration. I quickly search for a rock to throw threw her window as her trick.

5:53 - I just polished off the first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of the evening. The over/under is 6. Which is soon followed by ...

5:55 - ... the first Almond Joy of the evening. Goddamn, I have to tape my mouth shut soon.

6:02 - We stop briefly to get some jackets. My back is turned for about 60 seconds when Olivia makes her first wardrobe change of the evening and exits her bedrooms dressed like Snow White. Jesus, that was fast. I don't think Madonna changes clothes that fast at her concerts.

(Editor's note - this was, in fact, her third outfit of the day. Earlier she was dressed as "Arial" in her school's parade. I'm not making this up.)

6:10 - 6:30 - We jump in the car and drive to a different neighborhood to meet up with friends but arrive too late. Oh well, I'm sure we can figure this out on our own.

6:31 - Snow White awakens from her nap.

6:37 - Someone is dressed up as a hobo. Oh wait, that's a homeless person. Never mind.

6:40 - We visit one house where a young woman dressed like a pirate answers the door drinking a glass of wine. Now we're talking. I'm thinking that somewhere there's a trick-or-treating route for adults which involved alcohol and female pirates. I'll have to research that.

6:44 - The kids go up to a house and as the women hands out the plate, my son says loudly "I hate raisins." I am mortified. That being said, raisins are near the bottom of the Halloween Candy Rating Scale:

* Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
* Snickers
* M&Ms
* Twix
* Baby Ruth
* Mounds/Almond Joy
* Herschey's Kisses
* (Insert any other candy I overlooked)
* Raisins
* Loose Candy Corn (seriously, who gives out loose candy these days?)
* Razor Blade Apples

Seriously, raisins are right above bible tracts that people will hand out which warn about the origins and dangers of Halloween. Ack.

6:53 - I actually see someone dressed like a hobo, which is awesome. That costume seemed to die for some reason, but it's great. Enough with the pirates already. More hobos!

7:15 - I gulp down another pack of M&Ms like it's air. Estimated treadmill deficit so far - 41 minutes.

7:30 - What's up with older kids trick-or-treating? I remember doing it when I was like 12, but I swear I just saw someone that had to be 24. Isn't there a cutoff age these days?

7:36 - The kids are getting tired and picky, as one of them politely requests "Do you have any M&Ms?" Jesus Christ, kids, this isn't Walgreens. Time to wrap things up.

7:40 - The evening is over and we head back to the car.

It was actually a really fun time, the weather was good and the kids ended up with a great candy haul. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to explain why those four Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are missing.

Colbert on Limbaugh

I was livid when the Michael J. Fox-Rush Limbaugh story first came out and couldn't find the proper words to convey my disguest (other than "fuck off and die, Rush Limbaugh"). But I think that Stephen Colbert captured it pretty well, though. Make sure to watch until the very end.



Halloween synopsis to follow later on ....