O, Cum All Yee Faithful

I read a humorous article about a Mormon book store that removed all the DVD copies of “Sons of Provo” when it turned out that the DVD was, in fact, a gay porno called “Adored: Diary of a Porn Star.” Now I’m sure it was an honest mistake, although you would think that the picture of a naked male on the DVD cover would have tipped off a reasonably intelligent book store employee. However, we are talking about Mormons, which might explain the obtuseness.

As it turns out, the book store might have been seriously misguided in removing the movie. According to this website, certain forms of Christian are perfectly acceptable given certain parameters. I think this is fantastic news, although it would have been nice to have had this insight during that time of my life when I actually believed in this stuff. While the website sadly neglected to go into great detail, I was pleased to read that anal and oral will be able to make it into the films (although I think it’s safe to say that donkey and scat videos are a no no).

Given the profound number of Red State voters who are presumably an untapped market in the adult entertainment industry, I’m thinking that the Christian porn market could be a huge money maker. And I’m the one that’s more than willing to exploit this market. Now I’m not really interested in starring in them (unless, of course, Jessica Alba is in it) and I don’t really want to produce, write or direct them. Rather, I just want to be the guy that gets to develop the names of the movies. There’s certainly a number of great, biblically-based porn movie names* that are just begging to be made:

"Touched Down There By an Angel"

"Nuns Gone Wild, Volume III"

"David and Goliath's Lap"

"Let There Be Wood"

"The Three Wise Men and the Hooker"

"A Lay in the Manger"

"The Father, The Son, and the Glory Hole"

"Sex, Lies and Communion"

"Shall We Gather At My Wiener?"

"Nearer My Crotch To Thee"

"Midnight Mass-ive"

"A Pew Good Men"

"Three in a Confessional"

"Repentance in My Pants"

* Special thanks to VMD for helping to compile this list during at extremely boring work day at Qwest.

Who knows, maybe one day we’ll be able to buy "Thy Kingdom Cum" or "Sanctuary Gangbang" in our local Wal-Mart, if not the Desert Book outlet in Salt Lake City.

And yes, I know I’m going to hell. What’s your point?