I Blog, Therefore I Am

I am back, boys and girls ... ladies and gentlemen and refreshed from a great vacation. While it's tough beig back at work today - well, it's only 2 days so I'll just nut up and deal with it. Blogger is acting up, so I can't post any photos. So there goes half of my blogging content. Oh well. I'm still digging out at work, but I will get some new content and photos up ASAP.

<-- Insert Witty Title Here

Just wanted to give you all a heads up that blogging will be a little sporadic this week (I know, what's new about that announcement?) as I am traveling. But I hope to post as soon as possible, including photos and funny things from my Disneyland trip ... more crazy things that Republicans do and say ... and, uhh, whatever else I seem to be writing about these days.

RIP Asshole

There's an old adage - never speak ill of the dead. And at the memorial ceremony for Enron founder and corporate douche bag Ken Lay, that maxim was strictly followed.

The offensive article can be found here, but I've detailed some of the salient highlights below for your reading pleasure, as well as a few editorial comments.

(As an aside, it might be fun to engage in a little drinking game as you read this article. Simply down a shot of your favorite alcohol every time I use the word "fuck" and see if you can still blow 0.08 on the breathalyzer - I bet you can't.)

* Lay's stepson David Herrold told the nearly full First United Methodist Church in Houston that Lay was wrongly convicted, and that he was angry about the portrayals of his stepfather in the media. "He did have a strong faith in God and I know he's in heaven, and I'm glad he's not in a position anymore to be whipped by his enemy," Herrold said.

Uhhh, hello David ... Lay was found guilty on all six counts of conspiracy and fraud by a jury of his peers ... he was ruled guilty of four counts of fraud and false statements in a separate bench trial ... and he was a little over 3 months away from his sentencing. How in the fuck can you say he was wrongly convicted? "Whipped by his enemy?" Are you talking about the federal prosecutors? Or the angry 4,000 employees that lost their jobs and retirement savings? Help me to understand this one. And also, how in the world can you presume that he (or anyone else) is already in heaven? Don't get me wrong, it's awesome that you have that divine vision that allows you to do that, but let's keep it on the down low until after the body is cold. People are still a little bit worked up over ol' Ken (see: James, David)

* Lay was a longtime friend of the Bushes, contributing to their political campaigns and was nicknamed "Kenny Boy" by President George W. Bush.

Okay, this snippet just made me fucking ill. I guess it's a requirement that every incompetent fucking FoB ("Friend of Bush") gets some retarded nickname like "Brownie" or "Kenny Boy."

The article should have also pointed out that -- in addition to giving him a silly ol' nickname -- Bush also signed a law in 1999 deregulating Texas electric markets, which, coincidentally enough and shortly thereafter: (a) caused energy prices went through the roof ("Hello massive Enron profits", and (b) caused Kenny Boy to return the favor by becoming one of the largest contributors to the Bush-Cheney 2000 presidential campaign (his donation history shows he contributed a staggering $651,760 to Republicans). Odd coincidence that all is.

* The ceremony started slightly late after former Houston Mayor Bob Lanier collapsed in the aisle as he entered the church. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and an announcement made later in the ceremony said he was in stable condition.

This was probably the most ridiculous part of the article. What grown man swoons at another grown man's funeral, like he's a pre-pubescent teenage girl at a "New Kids On The Block" concert. Fucking nut up, Bobby Boy (or would it be "Lanie"?).

* The Reverend Dr. Bill Lawson compared Lay with civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus Christ, and said his name would eventually be cleared. "He was taken out of the world right at the right time," he said. "History has a way of vindicating people who have been wronged."

Wait, there's more hyperbolic goodness:

"The folks who don't like him have had their say. I'd like to have mine ... (Like Jesus Christ) he was crucified by a government that mistreated him."

Okay, this comment was so fucking insane and over the top, that I simply had to disregard it in its entirety. I dunno Reverend, last time I checked, I really don't recall Jesus being the cause of rolling blackouts in Nazareth or MLK making $42 million in salary or dumping $300 million in Enron stock. I'm pretty sure that Gandhi was indicted, but then again I'm really bad on history.

* Reverend Steve Wende, pastor at First Methodist Church of Houston which Lay attended: Lay was "in many ways a great hero to me."

Memo to dumbfuck Reverend Wende: please note that to others, Ken Lay was the worthless piece of shit that headed the company that manipulated energy markets, defrauded investors, and ruined the lives of thousands of employees. Oh well, you say po-tay'-toe, I say po'-ta-ta.

Enjoy hell, Ken Lay. I'll see you soon. Let's hope they serve beer there.

Pirtes of the Caribbean: Dirty Feet Walking

A more Disney post will follow, but I thought I would post a Disney-related item in the interim. Keira Knightley meet my good friend, sandals.

Ick.

I Am Alive

I swear I am. I know it's been a long time, kiddies, but work has been crazier than Tom Cruise (if that's even possible). But there's some good news on the horizon: (1) it's Friday, which means that everyone in my company will soon stop working after lunch, and (2) I'm headed to Disneyland this weekend which means good blog content next week, plus I ..., uhh, the kids get to ride on the new Pirates of the Caribbean ride. They/we/I can't wait.

And just because ...

Keith Olbermann Rips Bill O'Reilly a New Asshole

I think the title pretty much speaks for itself. Personally, I'm waiting for the celebrity pay-per-view boxing match, which I hope is forthcoming.

More Reasons To Hate Dianne Feinstein

As a follow up to yesterday’s blog, I decided to post some more information as to why I strongly dislike good ol’ Dianne and why she is so distrusted by the political left. Feinstein, who has a track record of compromising with Republicans, is considered very pro-business and has sponsored or voted for a bunch of legislation which has been very unpopular within her own party (Source: Wikipedia):

* She has voted for most lawsuit reform measures and was a co-sponsor of the Class Action Fairness Act of 2005.
* She voted for the first tax cuts in 2001
* She voted for the Medicare Prescription Drug Improvement and Modernization Act in 2003.

My biggest pet peeve is that Feinstein supported the war in Iraq . She has since claimed that she was misled by President Bush on the reasons for going to war. My response - no shit. That didn’t stop Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA) from voting against the war from the get go.

The Center for Public Integrity has reported that Feinstein and her husband, Richard Blum, are making millions of dollars from Iraq and Afghanistan contracts through his company, Perini. There have also been critics who argue that Feinstein's support of policies that are friendly to the Chinese government are because of her husband's extensive China-related business holdings.

Senator Feinstein was the original Democratic co-sponsor of a bill to extend the USA Patriot Act. In a December 2005 statement, Senator Feinstein stated, “I believe the Patriot Act is vital to the protection of the American people.”

ACK!

Feinstein is a supporter of capital punishment and, as noted yesterday, she was the main Democratic sponsor of the failed 2006 Constitutional flag burning amendment. Defenders point to her record on other issues: abortion rights, she voted against NAFTA, the Defense of Marriage Act, school prayer, welfare reform, and the 2005 bankruptcy bill.

Honestly, those stances are nothing special. Her pro choice position is an absolute non-starter for any politician in California. And her opposition the Marriage Act is not the same as being a proponent for gay marriage (unlike Gavin Newsom). Prayer in public schools? As one who attended public school in Oakland, CA for eight years, I was only interested in praying that I wouldn’t get my ass kicked after school.

It should be noted that she is not warmly embraced by Republicans, though. Gun rights organizations, who say that her proposals on gun control are unconstitutional, have alleged that Feinstein herself is hypocritical for making such proposals despite having had a concealed carry permit -- difficult to obtain in California -- during her tenure as a San Francisco politician.

All in all, she’s your typical career politician who basically lucked into her two biggest positions:

(a) Mayor of San Francisco. San Francisco mayor George Moscone and supervisor Harvey Milk were assassinated in November 1978 by a rival politician, Dan White, who had resigned from the Board of Supervisors only two weeks prior -- as president of the Board of Supervisors, Feinstein automatically ascended to the mayoral position.

(b) U.S. Senator. Feinstein won a special election to fill the California Senate seat which became vacant in 1990 when Pete Wilson was elected Governor of California. Ironically, Wilson’s opponent was Feinstein, who ended up with the political door price of U.S. Senator.

It goes without saying that I think it might be time for Dianne to retire and go quietly into the sunset. Having just turned 73 last week (Happy Birthday Di!), I’m praying she doesn’t pull a Strom Thurmond and try to hold on for another 30 years.

Double ACK!

Dianne Feinstein -- #1 On My Shitlist

Fuck it, we'll continue with the political blog since it's an election year and there seems to be an unending supply of entertainment.

It was just announced that the Senate rejected a constitutional amendment that would have given Congress the power to ban flag burning. The tally in favor of the measure was 66 to 34, just one vote shy of the 67 votes required for a two-thirds margin of approval. Such a majority would have been necessary in the Senate and House before a constitutional amendment could have been sent to the states for ratification.

The amendment's advocates have been promoting it for years and had hoped that Republican gains in recent Senate elections would get them to the two-thirds threshold. Thankfully, there were 3 GOP senators who broke ranks and provided crucial votes that thwarted the measure.

That's not to say that Republicans lost entirely. The still got in some great sound bites for the mid-term elections this Fall:

"Old Glory lost today," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.), one of the amendment's prime backers. "At a time when our armed services are defending America's freedom in the war on terror, it's unfortunate that a minority of my colleagues blocked" the proposal.

President Dimbshit expressed regret that the amendment failed. "By showing respect for our flag, we show reverence for the ideals that guide our nation," he said in a statement. "We show appreciation for the men and women who have served in defense of those ideals."

Of more disgust to me was the support thrown to it by Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California. She spoke of picking up a newspaper in 1945 and seeing the now iconic photograph of Marines raising the American flag on Iwo Jima. "For me, at that time as a 12-year-old, and for the nation, the photo was a bolt of electricity that boosted morale," she said. "Its symbolism of everything courageous about my country was etched into my mind for all time."

Feinsten (who has evolved into a female version of Joe Lieberman over the years) argued that the amendment was "no slippery slope" toward an erosion of rights and that "protecting the flag will not prevent anyone from expressing his or her point of view."

Holy shit. I can't even fathom that she actually believes what she's saying. Jesus Christ, Dianne -- you're a Democtratic Senator from California, not Mississippi for crying-out-loud. You're not running for national office, so there's no need to pander to the Religious Right.

Ridiculous.

Where's Jesse Helms When You Need Him?

For those that love Southern Republicans -- and honestly, who doesn't -- you have to read this fantastic story about the run for the North Carolina House seat held by two-term Democratic Rep. Brad Miller.

His opponent is Vernon Robinson, who once introduced himself to voters by declaring: "Jesse Helms is back! And this time, he's black!"

Now it strains logic as to why anyone would want to compare themselves with Jesse Helms, the former NC senator who, as the article points out, fought civil rights legislation, laws to protect homosexuals from discrimination and funding for AIDS research -- but we'll put that aside for a moment to focus on the truly offensive part.

It seems that Robinson has waged a brutal offensive campaign against Miller, which has included suggestions that Miller is gay. In one radio ad backed by mariachi music, Robinson says, "if Miller had his way, America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals." And in a mass mailing, Robinson suggested that "childless" Miller had "gotten into bed" with a male blogger from San Francisco.

It's odd, but Robinson's campaign somehow omitted the little fact that the reason that Miller and his wife do not have children is that she had a hysterectomy more than two decades ago.

Oops. I'm sure it was an oversight.

But wait, there's also the "issues page" on his website where Robinson notes that "Vernon Robinson has been married for 23 years (to a WOMAN, of course)."

Lovely.

The only redeeming part to this is the fact that his own party in the state wishes he would shut the fuck up and leave the state entirely. This is made even better when you click on the "Endorsements" page of his website where it notes "Stay tuned for endorsements!"

You would think Tom DeLay has some spare time on his hands to lend this fuckwit an endorsement. What ... can't Strom Thurmond lend his support from the grave? Jesus people, this guy is going to save us from the gays! He needs your help!

In Hell

Sorry for the delays in posting kiddos, but I am in end-of-month, end-of-quarter hell here at work, which is leaving me with no time for posting anything new in terms of content (yeah, yeah, what else is new David James? We've heard that before).

So yes, I suck. All I can do is post a funny picture and beg for your indulgence.

Wacky Conservative Friday

And by wacky, I really mean "loathsome."

First, there was the report that Florida Governor Jeb Bush recently signed a bill making “In God We Trust” Florida's new state motto. Oh goody. Better prepare for that ACLU lawsuit in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...2 ...

Then there was the equally fantastic story about the Boise resident that complained to his local library board that “The Joy of Sex" and "The Joy of Gay Sex" books were pornographic and should not be part of the library's collection. When the library board rejected his request, Randy Jackson checked out a copy of the book "The Joy of Gay Sex," and he said he had no plans to return it.

Enjoy the book, Randy. I hope it serves you well.

Lastly, Dan Henniger, Deputy Editor at Fox News, likened gay marriage to a woman in India that married a snake. Fortunately, Stephen Colbert was there to clarify things.



"I am in love with this motherf*cking snake!"

The Healing Lap of Christianity

Christian psychotherapist Richard Cohen, who is board president of the "ex-homosexual education and outreach organization" known as Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays, has been addressing criticism leveled against certain therapy techniques he uses on clients with homosexual desires.

Cohen, a former homosexual and the author of the book "Coming Out Straight" (which as an aside, is a horrible title) insists that no one is born with homosexual desires. He claims his therapy group has helped many men and women with unwanted homosexual desires achieve their goal of changing their sexual orientation and becoming heterosexual. He contends that it's not a choice to have homosexual desires, but it is a choice to act upon those desires. He says those unwanted homosexual feelings are the result of temperament, familial influence, and environmental or social conditioning, all of which can be addressed through specific therapeutic principles and practices.

Some of Cohen's controversial methods, though, have raised some questions. Most notably, he has taken sharp criticism over a May 23 appearance on CNN, in which he demonstrated a technique that involves cuddling a male client in his lap. Cohen, who refers to himself as a reorientation therapist, explained the "holding therapy" exercise as a means of using "healthy touch" on clients, who very often were "touch deprived" as children. He says this technique is one of the most effective ways to help men and women leave homosexuality.

"They're hungering for that intimacy and that bonding that they didn't experience in primary relationships with parents and/or same-gender peers," the psychotherapist asserts. "So what we have to provide then, in the Christian community, is really mentoring these men and women," he says, "and a lot of them need healthy touch -- hugging, holding, just palling around, buddying around."

Um, yeah.

Now I'm no Sigmund Freud and I'm sure there's a divergence of opinion among the experts themselves, but I'm pretty sure that stradling your gay psychotherapist is not going to "cure" or "correct" their sexual orientation. Call me a skeptic. What's the next level of reorientation therapy, an airtight?

On Your Marks, Get Set ....

One of the more sordid rumors that made its rounds on the Internet was that Benicio Del Toro had somehow managed to boink Scarlett Johansson in an elevator. Ms. Johansson flatly denied the rumor (thank godness), as I'm presuming she's remaining a virgin for our wedding night.

But assuming Hell froze over and that it did in fact happen, I think that the below videclip is a fairly accurate reenactment of the alleged elevator tryst, except substituting myself for that gila monster. Remember, were talking about an alevator here, people, so time is of the essence.

And it's in Japanese as my tribute to her breakout role in "Lost in Translation." Enjoy.

It Could Be Worse

For anyone that's worked for a law firm before -- and especially if you've worked for a large firm - you can appreciate this website: Anonymous Law Firm. (And I know some of you reading have worked for a law firm, so read on.)

They might have changed the faces and names, but the people at the firm are still entirely recognizable. The office mascots are great but what does it for me are the glum office quotes:

"I've always wanted to work in an office filled with smart people -- to bounce ideas back and forth, brainstorm solutions to tough problems, and feel like we were all on the same team. Oh well."

"I wanted to find a place where I could set my own schedule, make my own hours, and wouldn't need to constantly check in as long as my work was getting done. Sometimes we make sacrifices for the good of our careers."

"The interviews were fun, comparatively speaking. I got to meet lawyers at the firm I haven't seen since. It's a great chance to network."

"I love the subsidized gym membership. It would be really frustrating to know I was paying full price for something I never use, but since I'm only paying half, it's not so bad."

I actually got depressed reading some of the content, which made me appreciate my own job for about 13 minutes. Then I got some call from some ass-clown who wanted his amendment drafted 12 minutes ago.

It's not me, it's you.

And the Lord Said, Remember My Three Commandments!

Here is a great videoclip of Stephen Colbert interviewing Congressman Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA), who co-sponsored a recent bill requiring the display the Ten Commandments in the House of Representatives and the Senate.

Note to Congressmen Westmoreland: If you co-sponsor a bill requiring the display of the Ten Commandments, you might want to study the list on the off chance that that Colbert asks you to actually name them. Which he does. But you now, 3 out of 10 isn't too bad.

Or even better yet, decline the opportunity to be interviewed altogether and avoid making a total ass of yourself.

It's not me, it's you.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Retardo

The below is a transcript of a President Bush speaking to a legally blind reporter wearing sunglasses:

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?

Q I can take them off.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m interested in the shade look, seriously.

Q All right, I’ll keep it, then.

THE PRESIDENT: For the viewers, there’s no sun. (Laughter.)

Q I guess it depends on your perspective. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Touche. (Laughter.)

And to answer your next question, of course there's video.

Monkey See, Monkey Grope

Okay, I know absolutely nothing about this show, but I'm furiously scanning Amazon trying to buy the entire season on DVD.

I have to admit even I was a bit creeped out by it, but the monkeys' reaction at the end makes it all good.

*** I removed the link because even I got tired of hearing the non-stop verbiage. There was no way to turn down the volume or keep it from auto-starting ***

Hello Ten-neck-see

The White House announced Tuesday that President Bush is taking Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi to Memphis, Tennessee for a pilgrimage to Graceland. The trip to Presley's estate is scheduled for June 30, a day after Koizumi -- who is allegedly a big-time Elvis fan -- is scheduled to meet with GW at the White House, Bush spokesman Tony Snow said in a statement.

Said Snow, "The president and Mrs. Bush look forward to introducing the prime minister to the beauty and warm hospitality of the people of the Volunteer State."

Wow. I can just imagine GW agonizing over where to take the Japanese Prime Minsister on his upcoming trip to the United States:

"Juni's flying hundreds of miles to visit, so I have to take him some place good. Let's see ... if I were the king of Japan, where would I want to visit? Normally we would just go to Senior Frog's for some tequila shooters, but that's getting kinda old. Maybe the Smithsonian? Scratch that idea ... all that reading makes my head hurt. How about Benihana's? Nah, they probably have a couple of 'em over there."

"Wait a second, I got it. Graceland! Done deal."

How fucking neck-ish is that? You would think they could find a better place to take the Japanese Prime Minister than Tennessee. With all due respect to Tennessee, I really don't think it's representative of this country socially, culturally or politically (or is it?? I hope not). Jesus, we're talking about a state where "Larry the Cable Guy" is revered and "Hee Haw" is broadcast on PBS for cryingoutloud. What the fuck, was Dollywood all booked up?

Now if it were up to me, I would put him in the backseat of a Suburban filled with alcohol -- not to mention a box of Kleenex -- and make the seven-and-a-half hour drive from Washington DC to Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum. There's good sushi there and even better blue drinks. He'll love it, even if the place is dead on the weekends and smells vaguely of feet. Just make sure not to stop along with way in Pittsburgh for a heavy German breakfast (sorry, inside joke).

But instead, he'll be subjected to this.

High Five

Okay, enough with the silly photos. On to the silly video clips.

I had heard they were coming out with a full length film featuring Borat, presumably as a sequel of sorts to the inspirational film "Ali G Indahouse," which I think was nominated for a total of four Acadamy Awards. I still think it was royally screwed over by "Chicago," but what's done is done.

Anyway, I've watched the the trailer below for "Borat" and I have to tell you I have mixed feelings. I love Borat and never get tired of seeing his 5-7 minute scketches on the Ali G show. But I'm not sure that how well this will translate over a 90 minute film, especially after having watched the below clip which I would best describe as "underwhelming."



That looks not so great. But I expect that it will get better once he gets into what I am sure will be a non-stop parade of jokes at the expense of the stupid and narrow-minded.

Case in point, this videoclip from the Ali G show of some unknowing Southern Republican who's running for Congress, who enlists the "help" of Borat to go door-to-door and meet with voters.



Favorite quote: "He will be powerful like Stalin and not tolerate people who are bad. ... If you do not vote for him, he will take power... and you will be sorry." But even better is the guy's reaction, which can best be described as horrified.

Here's hoping that the Borat skit translates into a better movie than "It's Pat".

My Apologies

I'm sorry folks for the horrific post from yesterday. I really am and don't know what came over me. I don't know what I was thinking at all.

As a sort of gift of atonement, I offer the following as a visual sorbet to cleanse the pallet.