Can Someone Spare an Emery Board?

This past Friday, I culminated an action packed day with a physical therapy session for my ailing shoulder (which is coming along fine, thanks for asking). I hopped in my car and with my mind processing a bunch of different things (where's my parking ticket, answer call on my phone, etc.), I headed towards the parking lot cashier. I quickly roll down the window without making eye contact (where the hell is that validation stamp they gave me?), I handed my ticket to the parking lot attendant and saw one of the scariest sights of my life:


This woman had the longest fingernails I had ever seen in my life! Her nails were easily as long as the talons pictured above. I was so busy trying to affix my parking validation stamp on my ticket, that I didn't even notice what was going on until I saw what I thought was a fucking lobster's was reaching out to take my ticket.

They were so long that she could not take my ticket as a normal person would do. Instead, she spread apart her fingers in a scissor-like motion so that I could insert the parking ticket between her two, oversized pincers. Words do not describe how freaked out I was.

It's over 30 hours later, and I'm still entirely creeped out. It's the only parking garage in the area, so I think I'm going to have to abruptly cancel my remaining PT appointments. Oh well, at least I have one functional shoulder.

Friday Musings

I'm on a mind numbing call right now and so I thought I would post the only photo which keeps me from gouging out my eyes right now.

It could be a combination of the subject matter ... it could be the monotone delivery of the speaker ... or it could be that I simply don't give a shit any more about this job. To be honest, I sort of like what I do and I actually like working from home (a lot), but I don't know how much longer I can do this job. It's actually considered a pretty good job, so part of me is very afraid that the rest of my work life will be similarly disappointing and lacking of any redeeming value.

I really don't want to sound like a whiny bitch (I know, too late) but this has been bothering me for a while. I know that things could be far worse. I realize that I could be out of a job tomorrow, scavenging half eaten chicken wings from a dumpster behind KFC. But almost all the other people I know that have similar jobs really don't like them. Deep down, I'm worried that that it will be the same thing with any other company and that I'm going to be stuck doing this crap for the rest of my life.

Oh well, my call is over now so maybe I'll contemplate the meaning of life for a while. Or, alternatively, spend the balance of the afternoon searching the Internet for mindless pablum to make the day go by quicker.

Don't Feed the Monkeys

No apologies ... no funny YouTube clips ... Instead, on with the quick 5-minute synopsis of what's up with me.

* I started physical therapy on my shoulder this past week. Long story short, it's messed up from years of weight lifting and rugby (AC joint sprain, scar tissue, and likely rotator cuff/labrum damage). Fortunately, it will be just fine with some PT, which is good since I need to defend my rugby team MVP award. However, I'm starting to think that my physical therapist might be a bit of a sadist. She seemed nice enough at first, but halfway through the session, she's got me in some sort of crazy arm bar and she's digging her thumb into my shoulder like she's trying to push a cork back into a wine bottle. Jesus, you would have thought I asked for a happy ending or something. Anyway, I wouldn't disclose anything other than name, rank and serial number, so she finally gave after what seemed like 1/2 hour of torture. I'm sure this week she'll try something new, like bamboo under the fingernails which she'll disguise as some sort of acupuncture.

* I went to two baseball games this past week (thanks JFS and CRM for tickets) and saw five future Hall-of-Famers play - Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, and Derek Jeter. I also saw a couple of borderline candidates (Jorge Posada, Johnny Damon, Joe Torre) and a bunch of all-time stars (e.g., Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal). Which is great because there's no way on God's green earth that I'm shelling out $600 to sit in the bleachers during the baseball All Star game. That is highway-fucking robbery. It's a goddamned exhibit game, folks. No sane person should have to drop a grand for some crappy All Star game that they can watch on TV. Jesus christ are the tickets also made of gold and entitle us entry to Willie Wonka's chocolate factory? Where's my golden goose?

* Lastly, I'd like to wish Mr. Chips a happy 12th birthday. I'm not really certain what his exact year or date of birth is, so I picked June 26th out of my ass. But the little fella could use some cheer after the year he's had -- IRS audit for failing to report income and file 6 years of back taxes ... losing his tenure due to plagiarism and other unspoken scandals at the university ... battling numerous chemical dependencies and suffering numerous relapses ... not to mention being the subject of a bitter custody dispute. Fortunately, the parties were able to put it all behind them (he said "behind") and actually brought Mr. Chips to New York this past year. Here are a couple of G-rated pictures of Mr. Chips from our April trip:

Here's a photo of Mr. Chips, who was exhausted after 7 blocks of driving. Come to think of it, the three Mai Thais he had at lunch probably didn't help matters either.




Here's another photo of Mr. Chips, who's now awake and evidently ready for a little action.



Happy birthday, buddy! Daddy and ..., uhhh, daddy are very proud of you! Next year -- Amsterdam!

Hollywood, Thy Name is Insane

In the latest sign that Hollywood is entirely out of new ideas, it was announced that director Ridley Scott is preparing a feature-length version of the venerable board game "Monopoly".

The 69-year-old British film-maker -- whose films include such hits as "Alien," "Blade Runner," "Thelma & Louise," "Gladiator" and "Black Hawk Down" -- has been offered the pick of young actors to help turn the popular oard game into a "comedy thriller" (whatever the hell that means). Hasbro (which owns Parker Brothers, the manufacturer of Monopoly in the U.S.) wants the film to feature "sexy young people" in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games. To that end, the William Morris Agency has promised Hasbro that the cream of its stable of 2000 actors will help create a blockbuster movie, including Scarlett Johansson (hooray!) and Kirsten Dunst (ack!).

Okay, a couple of things here. First, the obvious question - why the fuck would anyone want to watch a movie about the Monopoly game? Still looking to follow in the big box office footsteps of "Clue?" What's next, Candyland? When can we expect "Dominoes - The Movie" or "Charades" on the big screen?

Putting aside the ludicrous premise and scraping for material for a moment, what the hell is Ridley Scott doing directing something so inane as this? Honestly, Riddles, are you that hard up for money? Has your Director's Guild 401(k) really performed that poorly? Have some pride, man. At least wait for the movie remake of "The Love Boat" or "BJ and the Bear."

And lastly, who are these people who keep trying to perpetrate the lie that Kirsten Dunst is sexy? I honestly wouldn't even consider her mildly attractive. But sexy? No way, unless by "sexy" you really mean "snaggle tooth wraith." Now if she agreed to play the "shoe token" then her casting would make a lot more sense. But still, even if Scarlett Johansson agreed to run around nude for the entire movie, there's no way to counterbalance the fug which is Kirsten Dunst. The only way to make this work would be to replace the Monopoly board and hotels with "steel cage" and "bears," respectively. Only then could I honestly say that I would be happy to watch a Kirsten Dunst movie. Otherwise, I would sooner watch a video of my own colonoscopy than this crap.

Separated at Birth - Cameron Diaz

See if you can distinguish between the "sexy" Hollywood actress:



... and the scary Halloween jack-o-lantern:

Carl Lewis Clearly Not The Baddest Dude Alive

I used to think that Carl Lewis was the baddest dude alive. Until I saw this video of Sébastien Chabal. Chabal, who could double for Rob Zombie's HGH-laddened twin brother, plays flanker and #8 for France's national rugby team, which will be hosting the Rugby World Cup in less than three months.

Chabal, whos's listed at 6'3", 253 lbs, is affectionately referred to in France as "l'homme des cavernes" - "the Caveman." He's also been called the "anaesthetist," which he seems to demonstrate in the first half of the video clip.

I simply call him the baddest dude alive. Step aside Carl, there's a new tough dude wearing a leotard in town. And his name is Sébastien Chabal.

In all seriousness, this dude is bad. There are two hits against the New Zealand All Blacks (which are also full of BAMFers) in this video clip, both of which look very painful. Certainly not for the squeamish or amy anti-violence members of my audience.

Carl Lewis - The Baddest Dude Alive?

I never bought the old "Carl Lewis is gay" conspiracy. Sure he wasn't as macho as other celebrity athletes, but so what. Prince never struck me as the most masculine dude in the world either, but he macked everything that walked.

After all these years of whispers and innuendo, it's pretty safe to say that my opinion has been fully vindicated given this video evidence I unearthed. Now some conspiracy theorists will point to his one-piece unitard, effeminate gestures, and falsetto voice as irrefutable proof of his orientation.

Personally, I think the video proves the exact opposite.

* First, it should be noted that he's the only man working out in a gym with a bunch of women -- hello, this is every straight man's fantasy!

* Second, at the end of the video, Carl is seen being escorted by a white woman into a sauna. What's the old expression - "If this sauna is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"?

[ N.B. I will be the first to admit that his saunamate is a bit on the mature side, but I'm guessing he has some sort of kinky GILF fetish. Even more macho. ]

* Lastly, and most importantly, no gay man would be caught dead in that horrible outfit. belt? Sweet Jesus, a black unitard with a white workout belt? Gianni Versace would roll over in his motherfucking grave if he saw this fashion statement.

The defense rests. The verdict? Carl Lewis -- Guilty of being a bad-ass motherfucker.

Best. Picture. Ever.

The only thing which would make this picture better was if there was an angry Doberman in the back of the car with her. But I'm really just nitpicking here.

Head's Up (Revisted)

But of course I found a videoclip which pertains to my last post? Did you really doubt my ability to do so? Shame on you ...

Head's Up!

In the latest "man gets incurable erection" story of the day, a New York man has sued the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG -- the maker of the health drink "Boost Plus" -- claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. Novartis' "Boost Plus" website describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

Side note #1 - What's this? A sports drink that's both chocolatey and boner-riffic? Sign me up!

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Side note #2 - For those that glossed over it, the guy's last name is "Woods" - how fitting is that? Honestly, you could make up a name like "Stiffy Johnson" or "Dick Pole" and it still wouldn't be as good as the real thing.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.

Side note #3 - Now I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that the treatment for morning wood is masturbation. But no, this guy went with the non-standard treatment instead of the obvious cure...

They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

Side note #4 - If any of the medical staff had any sense of humor at all, they really should have some fun with it and renamed it a "Weiner shunt."

The lawsuit, filed late Monday, says Woods later had problems that required a hospital visit and penile artery embolization, a way of closing blood vessels. Closing off some blood flow prevents engorgement and lessens the likelihood of an erection.

Side note #5 - Dear lord in heaven, this whole procedure sounds horrible. Unless Scarlett Johansson is implanting the shunt with her mouth, there is no way in hell I would ever agree this procedure. I would sooner agree to implanting a shunt in my eye than my johnson.

Hump Day

I think I am starting to crack working from home. I've actually named the herd of 2 to 3 deer that regularly run through my yard right in front of my office. This is "Bojangles" (what did you expect, Rudolph?).

She (or he) has two friends - "Muffin" and "Grandmaster Flash" - that also regularly traipse through my yard. They're great pets because I don't have to feed them and they pretty much take care of themselves. How convenient is that?

So I went and saw my orthopedic specialist who prescribed an MRI for my still-not-improving shoulder. Which was fine because I'm not exactly thrilled with having a left arm like Kevin Spacey's character in "The Usual Suspects." Actually, it's not that bad but still it's been pretty bothersome and some things irritate the shit out of it.

So I called my health care provider who shall remain nameless (hint: unscramble the following letters to spell their name: "Untied"). The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Okay, so what's the MRI going to cost me? I presume it's covered under the Premium health plan."
Untied: "Well, it looks like you'll have to pay a $250 deductible plus 10% of the cost of the procedure. Insurance will pick up the other 90%."
Me: "I'm sorry, I must have had a bad connection. It sounded like you said that I'd have to pay about $400 for a simple MRI."
Untied: "Actually it will probably be closer to $500."

Sadly, they are serious. I ask myself, why the fuck am I paying for health insurance? I might as well self-insure. I'm sure an unemployed homeless person would have to pay less for a goddamned MRI. And at the end of the day, I'm going to shell out $500 and all I'm going to get is someone telling me that my shoulder is messed up and I should lay off the rugby and start taking ibuprofen. Thanks for the expert advice.

You're Doing a Helluva Job Scooter

As you most certainly have already heard, former White House aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison and fined $250,000 for perjury and obstruction of justice in connection with the CIA leak case. He also will serve two years probation following the prison term. Libby stood calmly as a federal judge said the evidence had overwhelmingly proven his guilt.

The judge said people in positions like the one Libby held -- chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney -- "have a special obligation to not do anything that might create a problem." (As an aside, that sentence sounds like an 8th grader wrote it. Is he a judge or what?)

The judge will decide next week whether to put the sentence on hold while the appeal plays out, or to send Libby to prison right away.

Meanwhile, President Bush said he feels "terrible" for Libby's family but does not intend to intervene now in his case.

No shit you're not going to intervene. What the fuck were you planning to do, W? Pardon him? Even you're not that godddamned stupid to suggest something so retarded as that. Were you going help out by drafting the appeal for Libby? God, I can only imagine you struggling to write one of those "court thingies." Or were you going to bust him out of jail like the goddamned A Team? Jesus christ but that dude is retarded.

A Mighty Wind

Methinks that Prince Phillip hath cracked a rat.

On a more serious note, I have decided to conduct a series of social experiments as I work from home. I figure that I'm not likely going to have this opportunity again for a very long time, so why not? I'm thinking harmless things like "what happens if I don't shave for two weeks," "how long can I go without talking to another human being," and "how many calories can I possibly eat in one day"? Your suggestions about fun social experiments are encouraged.

This week's challenge - "can I post a blog entry every day?" While not thrilling, I'm sure everyone would agree that it's better than "how many days can David James work without clothes from the hot tub?"