Most. Painful. Video. Ever.

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It's usually painful to watch middle-aged white folks rap or emulate anything having to do with hip-hop culture. This video clip is no different. It's taken from the recent Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner where Karl Rove and a group of other clowns rap, dance and beat box to their little right-wing hearts' content.

Good god where do you begin when analyzing this clip? I honestly don't know what was the most appalling -- there are so many choices:

* Karl Rove warbling "MC Rove!" repeatedly in his horrible, robotic voice. He sounded like Darth Vader after years of smoking unfiltered Marlboros. I'm a grown man, but I doubt I'll sleep soundly tonight after hearing it.

* The beatbox "scratching" by comedian Colin Mochrie (whoever the hell that is) which sounds like a screeching wail of a monkey. At one point, I swear it sounded like people were making random jungle type noises. Awful.

* I cannot even comment about the "dancing" other than to say I would have preferred to have been born blind than having watched it. Twice.

Still, I think my favorite part has to be the token black guy that was assigned to dance in the back (but not talk) in order to legitimize the whole skit. I'm surprised that they didn't ask him to play the spoons. Certainly a proud moment in his life.

Okay, I'm going to go throw up now. Have a nice afternoon.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star ....

The trim and lovely Star Jones celebrated her 45th birthday (she doesn't look a day over 43) with a group of friend. She was accompanied by her masculine and 100% straight husband, Al about whom she once said "Allie Reynolds better not be looking at other mares!" With all that extra skin and E.T.-like face, that would normally be a pretty tall order. However, it's Al Reynolds so there's not much risk there.

I'm not sure what I love most about this picture. Is it the flappy layers of skin which makes her upper arm look like a wizard's sleeve? Or is it the clearly-pained look of Al who doesn't appear to be enjoying "The View"?

It's a close one, but I'm going with the latter. Drink up Al, it will make all the pain go away.

Vegas Baby, Vegas!!

As a follow up to a recent post, it was recently announced that Michael Jackson was reviewing plans for a 50 foot robot made in his own image which would be built in the event that he launches a show in Las Vegas.

"It would be in the desert sands," said Mike Luckman of Luckman Van Pier, consultants to large entertainment companies. "Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying would see. Neon is wonderful, but it's old school." Luckman's partner designed the robot. He has also sketched out a stage set of a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience. Said Luckman, "Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them."

By the looks of MJ's reddened left hand, he evidently liked the sketches and video game concepts a *lot*. Evidently the robot sketches include 25 foot naked boys which are flanked by MJ's side. God only knows where the laser beams are supposed to shoot out of. Either that or the interactive video game includes Macaulay Culkin, a shower, and a fifth of Jesus Juice.

Saturday's a Rugby Day ...

... and Sunday's a recovery day ... which has now extended into Monday. We had our last game of the regular season on Saturday, which was a hard fought loss to the SF Fog. My legs and left eye looked like the belonged on a beaten detainee at a Gitmo prison camp. Oh well, thank god for Alleve. Playoffs (maybe) to follow next week. We shall see.

And no, I am not the dude in the red and white shirt. That would be the referee.

More frequent postings to follow, including Michael Jackson's plan to build a 50 foot robot of himself in Las Vegas. The Celebrity Train Wreck is warming up and ready to leave the station again ...

Bukkake!!!

I love Japanese commercials because they're just so utterly insane. This video for Bukkake milk is no different. The bizareness of the commercial is accentuated by its outstanding translated subtitles:

"Having bright thirsty pain of wonderful desire?"
"Bukkake brand milk!"
"#1 most honorable brand, mammal juice drink!"
"Swallow! The flavor is like a fist!"
"Feline disrespect from behind!"

I don't even know what half of this shit is supposed to mean, but goddamn it's funny.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back

In the latest installation of "Redneck News of the Day, Dakota Russ, 9, won the prestigious "best mullet in Jacksonville" award. Russ stood in front of thousands of people in the pit of Jacksonville's Alltel stadium at the "Monster Jam" truck show and showed off his pride and glory: his long, raven mullet. With the "victory," Russ took home a six-foot trophy (which is topped with a little man sporting a mullet), as well as bragging rights for one year.

His parents were understandably proud of his mullet. "I was just so happy, because I had been so nervous that he would not win. We could not walk five steps without someone stopping us to get a picture," his mother said.

Some people view Russ' victory and his mullet haircut (a/k/a, the "Missouri Compromise," the "Kentucky Waterfall" and the "Camaro Cut") as a crowning achievement; others simply view it as a form of child abuse.

His mother said she has wanted to enter him into the contest for the past two years, but they were unable to make it the Jam. He plans to enter the contest in the future, but he may have some tough competition next year ... his dad may enter too.

I guess it's like the old saying goes, "the family that sports the ridiculously ugly haircut together, stays together."

Cats Attack!

I'm sure many of you have seen the infamous video clip of Pinky the Cat:



But there appears to be a new video clip featuring what appears to be Pinky's equally angry sibling:



You can just tell at the beginning of the video clips that things are going to go horribly wrong. And by "go horribly wrong," I mean "be awesome to watch."

An Open Letter To Laura Bush

Dear Laura Bush:

How big is that stick up your ass?

Warmest Regards,
David James

Dearest Salma

In response to recent less-than-flattering pictures, a representative for Salma Hayek has revealed that the actress in pregnant and engaged to French businessman Francois-Henri Pinault.

They say that true love is blind, which might explains why she:


... got knocked up by and engaged to him:


Now I'm probably being way too superficial here. Perhaps he's a sweet guy, with a penchant for romantic poetry. Maybe she was able to find the last nice, normal guy who's tired of playing "the game" and is ready to settle down. You know, maybe Salma Hayek grew tired of the Hollywood superficiality and, against all odds, was able to look past their age difference and his less-then-leading-man looks in order to be with her one true love.

Or maybe it could have something to do with the fact that he’s a billionaire. I don't know, this one is too close to judge.

The Crazy Train Has Left the Building

Stop the presses. This just in. The Jackson 5 is lined up to play 250 concerts in Las Vegas over the three years starting next year, when Jackson will be 50. Further concerts around the U.S. and the world are planned.

What, that's not even the crazy part. Evidently there are also plans to build a Michael Jackson theme park, casino, hotel and stadium in the Las Vegas. There has been talk of a museum and a stadium for Michael - complete with Jackson memorabilia, videos, rare footage, casino, rides and concert halls.

Is it just me or is giving Michael Jackson and his brothers a reported $300+ million financially unsound? And by "financially unsound," I mean bat-shit crazy. What in the fuck are these people thinking? Do the financial investors honestly think that a theme park which sells Jesus Juice and has rides such as "The Matterhorny" is a prudent investment? They would be better off burning the money or asking

God, where have I heard this crazy idea before? Oh wait, right here.

Also check out recent photos of the quintet. I think you'll find the family resemblance among Tito, Marlon, Jackie, Michael and Jermaine Jackson is uncanny.