Has it Been One Week Since I Posted?

Jesus, I suck. And not even in the good way. But the home improvement painting project from hell has died down, which will hopefully leave me more time to blog, work off the calories I inhale while working from home and, uhh, work more.

Hope everyone is well. Photos and more interesting stuff hopefully to follow.

Separated at Birth - Nicole Richie

Today's "Separated at Birth" includes everyone's favorite coked-out, bulimic, celebrity train wreck Nicole Richie:



... and the lovable "Gizmo" from the movie "Gremlins":

Clown Hired To Cheer Up Monkeys

A German zoo has hired a clown to stop its monkeys getting bored. Zoo bosses got local entertainer Christina Peter, 45, to act the fool after vets said the chimps, baboons, gorillas and orangutans in zoo cages were more often sick or aggressive when they grew bored.

Christina said she keeps the animals amused by making games and puzzles for them, using footballs, plastic bags, cardboard boxes or blocks of wood among other things. She said, "When I was young I would go to a zoo and see animals and a lot of them looked bored and that made me feel very sad. Doing this makes me feel good because I am making their lives as comfortable as possible. And they seem to be enjoying it. They go wild when they see me coming because they know they're going to have some fun."

And this article, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly summarizes my current job. I am the clown for all the tech monkeys, except substitute "contracts" for "footballs, plastic bags, cardboard boxes and blocks of wood." But it's really the same concept.

Hello Crazytown

I know it goes without saying, but Ann Coulter is bat-shit crazy. Check out this recent article she wrote about the Jerry Falwell. I can't bring myself to post a picture of her, but her sage words should be sufficient:


"Jerry Falwell -- Say Hello to Ronald Reagan!"
by Ann Coulter

No man in the last century better illustrated Jesus' warning that "All men will hate you because of me" than the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who left this world on Tuesday. Separately, no man better illustrates my warning that it doesn't pay to be nice to liberals.

Falwell was a perfected Christian. He exuded Christian love for all men, hating sin while loving sinners. This is as opposed to liberals, who just love sinners. Like Christ ministering to prostitutes, Falwell regularly left the safe confines of his church to show up in such benighted venues as CNN.

He was such a good Christian that back when we used to be on TV together during Clinton's impeachment, I sometimes wanted to say to him, "Step aside, reverend -- let the mean girl handle this one." (Why, that guy probably prayed for Clinton!)

For putting Christ above everything -- even the opportunity to make a humiliating joke about Clinton -- Falwell is known as "controversial." Nothing is ever as "controversial" as yammering about Scripture as if, you know, it's the word of God or something.

From the news coverage of Falwell's death, I began to suspect his first name was "Whether You Agree With Him or Not."

Even Falwell's fans, such as evangelist Billy Graham and former President Bush, kept throwing in the "We didn't always agree" disclaimer. Did Betty Friedan or Molly Ivins get this many "I didn't always agree with" qualifiers on their deaths? And when I die, if you didn't always agree with me, would you mind keeping it to yourself?

Let me be the first to say: I ALWAYS agreed with the Rev. Falwell.

Actually, there was one small item I think Falwell got wrong regarding his statement after 9/11 that "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians -- who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle -- the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

First of all, I disagreed with that statement because Falwell neglected to specifically include Teddy Kennedy and "the Reverend" Barry Lynn.

Second, Falwell later stressed that he blamed the terrorists most of all, but I think that clarification was unnecessary. The necessary clarification was to note that God was at least protecting America enough not to allow the terrorists to strike when a Democrat was in the White House.

(If you still think it isn't Christ whom liberals hate, remember: They hate Falwell even more than they hate me.)

I note that in Falwell's list of Americans he blamed for ejecting God from public life, only the gays got a qualifier. Falwell referred to gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle.

No Christian minister is going to preach that homosexuality is godly behavior, but Falwell didn't add any limiting qualifications to his condemnation of feminists, the ACLU or People for the American Way.

There have always been gay people -- even in the prelapsarian '50s that Jerry Falwell and I would like to return to, when God protected America from everything but ourselves.

What Falwell was referring to are the gay activists -- the ones who spit the Eucharist on the floor at St. Patrick's Cathedral, blamed Reagan for AIDS, and keep trying to teach small schoolchildren about "fisting."

Also the ones who promote the gay lifestyle in a children's cartoon.

Beginning in early 1998, the news was bristling with stories about a children's cartoon PBS was importing from Britain that featured a gay cartoon character, Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie with a male voice and a red handbag.

People magazine gleefully reported that Teletubbies was "aimed at Telebabies as young as one year. But teenage club kids love the products' kitsch value, and gay men have made the purse-toting Tinky Winky a camp icon."

In the Nexis archives for 1998 alone, there are dozens and dozens of mentions of Tinky Winky being gay -- in periodicals such as Newsweek, The Toronto Star, The Washington Post (twice!), The New York Times and Time magazine (also twice).

In its Jan. 8, 1999, issue, USA Today accused The Washington Post of "outing" Tinky Winky, with a "recent Washington Post In/Out list putting T.W. opposite Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche, essentially 'outing' the kids' show character."

Michael Musto of The Village Voice boasted that Tinky Winky was "out and proud," noting that it was "a great message to kids -- not only that it's OK to be gay, but the importance of being well accessorized."

All this appeared before Falwell made his first mention of Tinky Winky.

After one year of the mainstream media laughing at having put one over on stupid bourgeois Americans by promoting a gay cartoon character in a TV show for children, when Falwell criticized the cartoon in February 1999, that same mainstream media howled with derision that Falwell thought a cartoon character could be gay.

Teletubbies producers immediately denounced the suggestion that Tinky Winky was gay -- though they admitted that he was once briefly engaged to Liza Minnelli. That's what you get, reverend, for believing what you read in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Time magazine and Newsweek. Of course, Falwell also thought the show "Queer as Folk" was gay, so obviously the man had no credibility.

Despite venomous attacks and overwhelming pressure to adopt the fashionable beliefs of cafe society, Falwell never wavered an inch in acknowledging Jesus before men. Luckily, Jesus' full sentence, quoted at the beginning of this column is: "All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

Jerry Falwell Bites the Big One

Jerry Falwell, the well-known fundamentalist Baptist minister and founder of a "college" (Liberty University) went to meet his imaginary divine maker at the age 74. By the looks of this photo, I'm guessing it was health related.

Although not bat-shit crazy like Pat Robertson or Fred Phelps, Falwell did have a few great controversial quotes (source Wikipedia):

* After the September 11, 2001 attacks, Falwell said on the 700 Club "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

* As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals." Falwell's ghostwriter, Mel White, said Falwell remarked about gay protesters, "Thank God for these gay demonstrators. If I didn't have them, I'd have to invent them. They give me all the publicity I need."

* During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said alleged to have said this about MLK, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King."

* Falwell has also said "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

* Regarding public schools, "I hope to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we don't have public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

* Falwell often attributed political affiliation to the divine, claiming that God "is a Republican" and Jesus "was the First American."

His greatest contribution to Christianizing society came in February 1999, when an article in Falwell's "National Liberty Journal" suggested that that closeted Teletubbies character, Tinky Winky, was a hidden homosexual symbol. The article deduced this because the character was purple (which of course is symbolic color of homosexuality), had an inverted triangle on his head and carried a handbag.

Goodbye Jerry, we will miss your insightful and sensitive comments regarding politics, society and sexual orientation. We will surely miss you. And by "surely" I really mean "not."

Happy Mother's Day

Here's wishing all the moms and soon-to-be-moms a very happy Mother's Day. I know this is no substitute for actual Mother's Day cards, but I'm lame. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Cat Fancy

My co-workers at my old company used to play a prank on you if you left your office/cube with your computer unlocked. Basically, you would come back to find that your home page on your Internet browser had been changed to some horrible, not-safe-for-work website. The main purpose of the joke was to reiterate a basic corporate security policy of never leaving your computer unlocked. I admit that doesn't justify changing someone's homepage to some horribly graphic website, but I never said that the practice was terribly mature.

Anyway, on my visit to St. Louis I made the mistake of leaving my laptop unlocked and as luck would have it, one of my co-workers (who was the repeated subject of this practice at our old company) changed my home page unbeknownst to me. I didn't learn about it until I was just about to leave when broke down and admitted it to me, mostly so he could see my reaction.

With little time to spare before my cab picked me up to take me to the airport, I fired up Mozilla Firefox expecting to launch some awful website featuring frolicking nude men.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that my homepage had been changed to Catfancy.com.



Not only did he change it during the 3.4 minutes I was away from my computer, but that fucker changed my home page to something that was entirely unexpected and 100% benign. Well done, B-Hug.

I should note that I still haven't changed it back to the original home page I had before. Now while I will admit that there is something soothing about looking at this photo every day and there are some very interesting cat articles ("Extra Sensory Cats - Could your cat's uncanny sense of your whereabouts be related to ESP? Click here to see how you can test your cat for ESP."), I must admit that sheer laziness probably has a huge part to do with my interia. Big surprise there, I know.

Al Reynolds Tortured By Giant Bear!!!

God, there are times when I hate the Internet. And this is one of those times. Oh well, I figure that if I had to see these horrifying photos, then my worldwide audience should share in them well.

Here are recent photos of Star Jones giving her husband Al Reynolds a lap dance at some bar at 2:00 a.m. following the Kentucky Derby. As you can see, Al appears less than thrilled by her affectionate gesture. And by "less than thrilled" I mean "horrified and repulsed." I honestly don't know which picture I love more. Is it the first one of him where he appears in total anguish? Or is it the second one where he has a resigned look of disgust?

From now on, I will thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jesus that Star Jones was not one of the lap dance contestants at Lucky Cheng's that fateful night in April. It's a long story and the photos are fuzzy. But the memories are clear and I shudder to think what she might have done to me. Thankfully, I live on and will continue to "work" from home, pausing every 30 minutes or so to wander into the kitchen to graze incessantly. Good times.

Separated at Birth - Cate Blanchett

Cate:


.. and Ziggy Stardust:


Yes I am sticking with the lazy theme this week. Actual, original content should appear tomorrow.

Separated at Birth - Star Jones

Star Jones at this weekend's Kentucky Derby (she finished in 4th place -- well done Star!):


... and one of the bad dudes from "Big Trouble in Little China" (which is a movie classic).

Shit Louis, In a Nutshell

Boys and girls … David James is exhausted right now. I am flying back from Shit Louis, Missouri as I write this and I can barely keep my eyes open. One day after returning from Maggotfest, I had to head to the Loo’ for an all-day, technology implementation strategy session (kill me please).

The technology meeting was an utter waste of time. I totally could have dialed in to that cluster fuck call. I pretty much laid it out for them that I was not going to be traveling to St. Louis every other week like I did for a short while in 2006 (ZES got the worst of that project, though -- my apologies my man).

In order to get through Wednesday’s meetings, I had to ingest an inordinate amount of caffeine. And by inordinate, I mean “shitload.” At last count, I was up to 5 cups of coffee and 6 diet Cokes. And still, I’m nodding off in the afternoon. I wonder if it had anything to do with the subject matter -- implementation of some new “turnkey” “back office solution.” Look folks, I’m not making up these terms and I don’t personally use them, I’m just parroting them back because they were permanently etched into my memory. In fact, I kept track of the number of times “solution” and “customization” were used -- 141 times. Conversely, the term “Scarlett Johansson” wasn’t uttered a single time.

After looking at slides containing terms such as “Strategies Align with Corporate Vision,” “Business Blueprint,” and “Go Live and Support,” I was subjected to a stilted dinner with my boss and some other suffering colleagues. It mercifully ended around 8:30, after which point I was able to retire to the hotel bar to drink more with the aforementioned tortured co-workers.

Thursday included yet another 3+ hour meeting with my boss. Fuck me, why couldn’t I have drown on that whitewater rafting trip? I am pretty confident that I tortured animals in a past lifetime to deserve my current work karma.

But then, it was over. It was 3:00 and time to head to Lambert Airport. Not surprisingly, I was excited to leave Thursday but of course I had to endure the inevitable flying annoyances before I could make it home:

* I am sitting next to some over-tanned, wrinkle-saurus who keeps borrowing my magazines to read. Evidently she didn’t realize that she would be stuck on an airplane for 4+ hours with nothing to do. Fuck, what’s wrong with “Sky Mall” magazine?

* I made the mistake of using the bathroom after a guy in red shorts who ~ destroyed ~ the lavatory. Given all the chemicals and masking agents, it’s pretty fucking hard to further raise the disgusting meter. But evidently the “Little Red Crapper That Could” found a way. I’m blaming it on the pre-flight beef tacos and coffee. Well done, my man.

* I’ve experienced on-and-off turbulence for twenty minutes. I know I've mentioned this before, but there must be some travel route that doesn’t fly through the eye of whatever tornado which perches itself over the Colorado mountain range.

* Some old-ish dude just walking down the aisle just grinded my arm and shoulder with his crotch. I’m not talking about the “accidental-glance-of-my-ass-or-thigh-against-your-shoulder.” I’m talking full on “hey-birthday-boy-you-get-to-judge-the-lapdance-contest-at-Lucky-Cheng’s-restaurant-full-on-grind.” The guy just left me simpering here in my seat like Jodie Foster in "The Accused." God, I feel so dirty.

And so it went. I’m headed home to sleep … and then sleep some more. Oh, and I just signed up to play another rugby game this Saturday against a team of experienced “old boys” (i.e., 35 and older), who are usually out of shape (hooray), but dirty as shit. Oh well, should be fun. Have a great weekend kiddos and I’ll work on posting some photos/more content.

Pass the Vicodin Please

I know I sound like a broken record, but again I have to apologize for the utter lack of posting on this site in recent weeks. First, it was the birthday weekend. The birthday debauchery weekend was followed by my rugby team’s second trip to Maggotfest in Missoula, MT (more to follow below). I returned from Missoula after midnight on Sunday night. After a one day respite, I’m on another plane which is headed towards St. Louis, MO (fuck yeah!!). Oh well, at least I get free coffee and frequent flyer miles.

Maggotfest this year was fun, but not outstanding. The rugby games overall were somewhat mixed. We arrived Thursday night and went straight to the pitch in Missoula to play a “friendly” game against the home team. We traveled about 10 hours that day to get there and we arrived at the pitch (a/k/a the field) about 10 minutes before we were supposed to play. I was expecting and hoping for the advertised “friendly” game since we were traveling with only 16 players (you need 15 to play rugby) of which only 4 of them were starters. We were all exhausted and some of us had been drinking on the 3+ hour drive from Spokane to Missoula, so I figured that it was going to be ugly.

And I was correct. The Maggots absolutely rolled us. It was the most lopsided rugby loss that I had ever participated in. I scored our only try (worth 5 points), while the Maggots scored 100+ points. They stopped keeping track on the scoreboard. Most of our team quit midway in the game and the other team just kept running at us. I really don’t fault them for continuing to play, but they probably could have subbed out some of their key players earlier.

The lowlight of Thursday was followed by the Friday highlight of river rafting on the Lochsa River in Idaho. I had a total blast. The enjoyment was mitigated somewhat by the fellow rafter who insisted on yelling “Wooo hooo!!” EVERY time we hit a rapid and who complained that his feet were freezing. No shit, the river water is in the low 40s. Everyone’s cold and wet, stop being such a pussy.

Saturday’s games represented a better showing, although we had trouble scoring points all day. It was frustrating knowing we had a better team but playing down to the lower standards of the other teams. After the second game, I was counting down the minutes until my flight left on Sunday.

The highlight on Saturday was reuniting with some of my friends from Colorado to play against a ridiculously good team from Park City, UT. Like our game on Thursday, Fort Collins was playing against a team that was way out of its league. Unlike our team, though, Ft. Collins played with a lot of heart. They still lost, but they played hard and never quit. I got to “whore on” late in the second half, right before one of their players entirely faked me out and beat me to the corner to score a try. Good times. I did manage to tackle a U.S. Eagle rugby player (meaning a player who plays international level rugby for the United States) without breaking anything further on my body.

Sunday came and saw one final game, which most participants played hung-over to a 0-0 tie. Ahh, rugby at its highest. The highlight of Sunday was one of our large players (280+ lb.) who managed to play most of the game in a Winnie the Pooh costume. Classic. We headed out to the airport shortly after finishing our last game and bid a fond adieu to Montana.

Five games in four days + whitewater rafting - adequate sleep = a tired David James. I caught some sleep on the flight to St. Louis and managed to fall asleep again this evening in my hotel room but still feel exhausted. I’m putting the official over-under on my total caffeine intake at “a lot.” Keep your fingers crossed dear readers.

Pictures and more fun stuff to follow ....