Forbes Is Retarded

Forbes recently published its annual report on the “Best Cities For Singles’” which ranks the top 40 U.S. cities based on Culture, Nightlife, Singles, Job Growth, Living Cost and Coolness (whatever that means) and then comes up with a composite ranking given each city’s score (1 being the highest, 40 being the lowest). From Forbes:

“Feel as if you're looking for love in all of the wrong places? Look no further--the Denver-Boulder metro area is America's best city for singles. Topping our list for the second consecutive year, the Mile High City edged out larger metros like Boston and San Francisco, thanks to its booming job market, relatively low cost of living and large university population.”

Here’s the complete report : http://www.forbes.com/2005/07/25/singles-best-cities_cx_05sing_0725land.html.

Now I’m sure Denver-Boulder’s #1 overall ranking will come as a huge surprise to all my friends and readers that live in, and complain about, the sleepy, Midwest cow town. Hell, you can’t even get Bloc Party to tour there.

Having lived in several of the cities mentioned (Denver, SF-Bay Area, DC and San Diego), I’m not sure that I entirely agree with Forbes’ findings. There were some aspects of the ranking which I found particularly enlightening (i.e., absurd):

* Culture - How the hell can anyone in their right minds rank Denver (3) ahead of NY (4), Chicago (7) and San Francisco (8.) in terms of culture? Are we talking about Denver, Colorado? Or is there a Denver, Italy or a Denver, France that I am unaware of? Or by “Culture,” do they really mean “Homogenous Sports Town”? Because if that’s the case, that makes all the sense in the world. And don’t ask me how Minnesota-St. Paul ranks at #6. Ridiculous.

* Nightlife- There is no way that Denver (11) has a better nightlife than Miami (14), Atlanta or New Orleans (20, pre-Hurricane Katrina). Jesus, you can’t even find a place to get a decent dinner after 10:00. And if anyone is thinking of Pete’s Kitchen, they must be confusing “decent dinner” with “salmonella poisoning.”

* Singles - What does this category mean? And how the fuck does Denver rank as the #1 city in the US? Despite it’s reputation as “Menver,” both single men and women alike complain about their inability to find a suitable mate in the city. If Denver is #1, I’d better prepare myself for a number of long, lonely nights in the SF-Bay Area.

* Cost Of Living - Having seen cardboard shanties for sale in SF for $500K+, I have a hard time believing that there’s any city where the cost of living is higher than San Francisco (24). Where could it possibly be more expensive to live? The moon? Inside J-Lo’s vagina? WTF?

* Job Growth - Las Vegas (“Vegas Baby, Vegas!”) was #1, followed by Austin (2), Orlando (3), Phoenix (4), Salt Lake City (5) and Sacramento (6) in terms of burgeoning cities. Uhh, thanks, but I’ll pass. I would rather have an incurable STD than live in any of those cities. Why can’t any “cool” cities have “job growth”? Or are the 2 categories mutually in compatible, like oil and water?

There’s a lot of things I like (and miss) about Denver, but Culture and Nightlife aren’t two of them. Unless by “Culture” and “Nightlife” you really mean “friends” and “wings at the Cherry Cricket.”