Pass the Strychnine Please

Stop me if you heard this intro before, but I’m headed back to Missouri once again. On an airplane. For work. Which means, of course, more amusing stories for you the faithful reader.

Let’s see, how long has it been since my last trip to my favorite Red State? Oh wait, it’s only been 15 days. Awesome. Last time it was 2 non-stop days of corporate blather about “strategic direction,” “company execution” and “leadership commitment.” And yes, it was as bad as it sounds.

With that as a recent comparison point, I am dead serious when I say that I would *far prefer* to attend those meetings that my department’s team-building retreat. With my insane boss. I have been dreading these next couple of days for the last few months. I kept praying to the 8 lb. 6 oz., golden swaddling baby Jesus that this trip would be cancelled, but to no avail.

Honestly, I would rather perform my own colonoscopy with a rusty garden hose than attend this retreat. We’re basically going to “retreat” (i.e., work) for a little over 24 hours, which is fucking retarded. Monday will be a 14 hour day, were we get on a bus which will carry us 3 hours to the Ozark’s, which is basically in the middle of nowhere (think “Deliverance,” minus a pre-toupee Burt Reynolds).

Once we arrive, we move right into a series of non-stop presentations and working meals, culminating in some sort of “team building” exercise from 8:00-9:30 p.m. That should be a treat. Nothing’s more fun than having “trust falls” and playing “corporate madlib” games at 9:00 at night. Oh wait, I forgot that we are entitled to a 30 minute happy hour from 6:30-7:00. Although that technically makes it “Happy Half Hour.” I wonder how many drinks I can gulp down in 30 minutes. I’m putting the over/under at 5. Oh well, it should make the team building exercise far more palatable.

Dear Diary

In case I hadn't mentioned it (and senility is seriously starting to creep in these days), I've been working from home for about six months now ever since my company closed our San Francisco satellite office. At first I didn't like it -- it was isolating, I found myself snacking non-stop, and missed working in The City. After a while, I was indifferent ("It's better than driving an hour-and-a-half to Santa Clara each day."), but now I've really come to embrace it. I can sleep in late, run errands, etc. so long as I get my work done. Daily grooming? Ahh, who's keeping track?

I've had a number of folks ask me what a typical day is like. So I decided to keep track of how I spend a somewhat-typical work day:

6:30 - Open eyes, quickly check email on my Blackberry. If there are no more than 5 urgent email messages, I either go back to sleep or perhaps head to the gym. Guess which option gets selected more often?

7:15 - Consume first dose of caffeine of the day. Fret about the day that I run out of coffee and actually have to leave the house in order to buy some more.

8:58 - Awake from sleep / return from gym. Officially start my work day by responding to urgent email.

9:05 - Get bored with work, start surfing celebrity gossip and other odd stories on the Internet.

9:18 - Remember that I totally forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

9:30 - Remember that I forgot to eat breakfast, cook up some sort of grilled cheese item of some sort. This will not be the last one of the day. I immediately regret not going to the gym.

9:45 - Eye remainder of Halloween candy. Pledge that I will not eat 5 pieces of candy again today. Be strong, David. Be strong.

9:50 - Walk 50 feet and head back to work. Time to start slaving for the man.

10:15 - Tired of slaving for the man, I elect to try to beat my best score at Wii bowling.

10:35 - Phone rings, my first contact with a human being. Hooray!

10:36 - Note that the caller is my crazy boss, let it roll to voicemail and head back to the Wii.

10:45 - Remember that I still haven't brushed my teeth. Contemplate whether there's any fluoride in coffee. Probably not, so I guess I'll do it the old fashioned way.

11:00 - Begin planning my lunch. And by "planning" I mean consuming. Man, that grilled cheese sandwich was tasty.

11:04 - Shit, I'm late for my conference call. God this job is really getting in the way of my daily productivity.

11:45 - Call is over and my official lunch break begins. Estimate that I will need to play the Wii for 60 minutes straight in order to burn off my first lunch. Immediately commence with lunchtime exercise of Wii boxing and baseball.

12:25 - Note that my shoulder is starting to hurt from too much Wii. Is it possible to get Wii tennis elbow? How is it that I play rugby but get injured while Wii bowling? Pathetic.

12:50 - Remember that I forgot to shower and shave today. Shrug shoulders as I realize that I'm headed to rugby practice tonight any way, so why bother.

1:20 - Consume my umpteenth caffeinated beverage of the day. Google "how much caffeine does it take to kill me" to inquire as to how close I am to death. Two more cups of coffee should do it.

1:50- Inhale another piece of Halloween candy after finishing up a conference call. Discover that I am running desperately low on Reese's peanut butter cups. Would 911 respond to me desperate cry for help?

2:15 - Just finished up a delightful call with my boss. As I sit here contemplating who I tortured in a past life to have this work karma, I think to my self "fuck it" and decide to drink those last 2 cups of coffee in order to kill myself. Goodbye cruel world.

2:20 - Notice I'm still alive. Guessing that I miscalculated the lethal dosage of caffeine, I return to work. But first, one more Snickers.

3:00-5:00 - This is my prime work time. Most of the people I work with are in the Midwest and East Coast and they pretty much leave me alone during this time period. Most of the day leading up to this is a flurry of urgent email, conference calls and other fires that I basically put out all day (huh huh, he said "put out").

5:02 - Promise myself to be more productive tomorrow.

And with that, the evening whistle blows and I am pretty much done with my work day. Time to get the mail, eat yet again, and pick up my tuxedo for my friend R's wedding this Saturday. Good times.


[ Editor's note: This running diary is a literary work and should not be taken literally. David James is a very hard working and conscientious employee and devotes 100% of his time, energy and heart in to his job on a 24x7 basis. Seriously, don't fire me.]

Is It Monday Already?

There was a point in time when I would have paid big money to buy one of these Star Wars-inspired t-shirts from Urban Outfitters. That time, however, would have been about 25 years ago and before t-shirts cost $30.

You've made enough money in your lifetime, George Lucas. Time to give it a rest and stop raping the franchise for more money. Why not just move on to another crappy project and start beating that like a dead horse? Oh wait, that's right. I forgot that Indiana Jones 4 (featuring a 60-year old Harrison Ford) will be coming out soon. Sweet jesus, when will it all end?

Trick-or-Treat

What do you get when you combine a favorite holiday, a much-loved pet and horrible judgment? Halloween costumes for dogs.

The Bridal Dog. Isn't s/he lovely? Good luck throwing the bouquet when it's sewn to your artificial limbs.


Scooby-Doo. I don't understand why you want to dress your dog up as another dog. Someone help me with this.



Herro Kitty. If there's anything worse than dressing up your dog as another dog ... it's dressing it up as a cat.



Pippy Longstockings(?). I don't even know what this is supposed to be. But I do know that if this dog had any idea how ridiculous it looks, it would kill and eat its owner.



Raggedy Ann. I wasn't even sure what this costume was supposed to be at first. Is "Red-Headed Amish Woman" a Halloween costume?



Dorothy. Toto is now Dorothy. Oh the irony of the role reversal. This dog's sad look reminds me of the look I will soon have on my face when I have to go back to St. Louis for the second time in three weeks. Ugh.



The Rest of the Wizard of Oz Characters. Ahhh, that lucky dog doesn't just have one costume -- it has 4 Wizard of Oz inspired outfits. If I were the dog, I would change the words of "If I Only Had a Brain" to "If I Only Had a Clear Shot At My Owner's Jugular."



Kenny From South Park. Could this dog look any more depressed? This one is definitely high up on the Britney Spears suicide watch.



Tiki Dog. Two things immediately struck me about this costume. First, I guarantee you that its owner is a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Second, Hawaiian shirts look no better on ugly dogs. I would rather wear a t-shirt that says "I like to lick myself" than this gawdawful shirt.

Red Sox Win

For those that weren't closely watching it on TV (and seriously, I know everyone was), the Boston Red Sox prevailed over the Colorado Rockies, by sweeping the best of 7 series.

This is small karma for me having wasted several hours earlier in the week trying to buy tickets online -- only to have the feeble Rockies' website crash repeatedly, before being taken down entirely .... and then have it up again, only to watch it be entirely impossible to access. But I'm not bitter.

In a replay of 2004, the Red Sox -- who were down this year to the Cleveland Indians 3-1 just as they were to the Yankees in 2004 -- won seven games in a row to capture their second World Series in four years (and 3rd in the last 90). And to top it off, the Yankees are on the brink of mediocrity having fired their manager and losing their best player to free agency. Not a bad baseball weekend at all, come to think of it.

2007 Rugby World Cup

It had to end. After watching 48 matches over six weeks totaling more than 70 hours, the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France has finally come to an end. As no one reading this likely knows, South Africa defeated the reigning world champions, England, with an impressive showing in Paris on Saturday.

The USA finished ….. uhhh, not first. USA rugby is years behind other nations, mostly due to the fact that it’s a poorly organized, amateur sport that’s not shown on network television. Hell, it’s difficult to find any coverage in the U.S. despite the fact that over four billion have watched at least part of one match.

And of those four billion people, guess which who put off sleep and work to watch every match? Me. (Ironically, that’s also the same answer to the question “Who doesn’t have a life?”)

And of all the games and tries (i.e., touchdowns) that I saw scored, the best one was scored by none other than a USA rugby player. Takudzwa “Z” Ngwenya scored the try which was named try of the year but the International Rugby Board.

On September 30, the soon-to-be champions South Africa defeated the United States by the score of 64-15 in Montpellier. This would technically classify as a drubbing. However, the highlight occurred just before the end of the first half. It began deep in the USA’s territory, when flanker Todd Clever (in the red) intercepted a South Africa pass and proceeded to deliver a nasty stiff-arm to the face of SA’s flyhalf (Butch James), who then flipped it to one of his teammates. Two passes later and the ball reached Z Ngwenya just inside his own half. As South Africa’s Brian Habana -- who was named Rugby Player of the Year and who’s widely regarded as the fastest man in rugby -- came across to make the tackle, Ngwenya checked, juked, sidestepped and then absolutely dusted the South Africa wing to score the try.

Even the commentary is great. “Chase me ... I’ve left you, mate .... I've left you.”

Sorry the video quality is so poor, but the video keeps getting taken down by the rugby elves. I guess it has something to do with copyright violations or something like that. Oh well, here it is. Enjoy it while it lasts.

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On My Way To The Blog .....

I know it's been a long time and I really have no excuse to not post a note indicating "I'm alive" or what have you. But October has been a hectic month, filled with a bunch of distractions, hobbies and the like. So without further ado, I present the "Top Ten List of Things With Which I Have Been Preoccupied," which have precluded me from blogging more recently:

1. The Nintendo Wii. I bought the Wii two weeks ago ostensibly "for the kids." However, I think I can conservatively estimate the amount of Wii playing time as me - 97%, kids - 3%. The games are fun and intuitive and quick to play -- which is the real danger. I'll finish a conference call (or hell, I'll even be on one) and I'll play a little golf or bowling, which games usually last 5 minutes. Of course that presumes I only play one game. Uhh, hi folks. I won't go into the gory details about how fun the game is, but I will say that the worst part of the Wii is that you get a message indicating the amount of time played on the Wii and which games were played. Goodbye two hours of my day, hello unemployment.

2. Cal Golden Bears Football. Cal's heartbreaking loss to Oregon State this past weekend. Honestly, it was the most crushing defeat of any sports team that I care about that I can recall. I was honestly been numb for like 3 days. It all came down to the very last play which, to this day, is still too painful for me to watch. I would honestly rather watch my own colonoscopy than the last 10 seconds of that game. And no, I would not characterize this as a healthy relationship. Cal is basically the Ike Turner to my Tina. I think I need some help here.

3. Rugby World Cup 2007. To date, I have watched all 46 rugby games played at the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France, which is approximately 70 hours of rugby over the past 6+ weeks. You do the math. Not pretty. I'm now faced with the dilemma as to who to root for in the final -- England or South Africa? Root for England and you get 4 more years of insufferable boasting. Root for South Africa and I feel like I'm tacitly rooting for apartheid. It's really a lose-lose situation.

4. Loathing Our Administration. Seriously, only 459 more days until GW is gone. The day can't come quick enough.

5. Scarlett Johannson.


6. Baseball Playoffs. I know I'm only one of 17 people or so that give a shit about baseball, but my team (Red Sox) is in the playoffs, although they are on the brink of elimination. While the playoffs have been someone anticlimactic, it's fun to see teams like Cleveland and Colorado go far in the playoffs, as one team hasn't won the World Series in 60 years and the other has never been before.

7. Ellen DeGeneres' Dog Fiasco. Okay, not really. Let's move on people. There are far bigger issues in the world. Don't get me wrong, I care about animals -- just not celebrities' animals.

8. Napping. Really, this is totally underrated. I would suggest everyone try it more often.

9. Halloween Planning. I think I may decorate the house, although I'll probably be out trick-or-treating (a/k/a "Operation Get Daddy Needs Some Snickers") with the progeny. I haven't sorted out costumes, although I think that Kiefer Sutherland might have already locked up "Halloween Costume of the Millenium" award:


10. Work. Oh yeah, that. Yes, I've actually been doing some work, notwithstanding items 1-9. I will not re-hash matters, but things have been better recently. I'm headed to Shit Louis next week,

The Week's Recap

So Monday and Tuesday I enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with the BPB. And by "enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with" I really mean "got kicked in the nuts." Honestly, those two days were some of my worst days at my job. My stomach was in knots all day, I didn't sleep much, and was generally on edge and short all day long. I got positively reamed for something I worked on briefly over 3 months ago and which recently surfaced. I honestly didn't do anything wrong, but the BPB entirely blew things out of proportion and grilled me nonetheless for something that wasn't my fault. After talking down to me a couple of times, I was assigned a bunch of inane, busy work as my penance, which occupied most of Wednesday.

Today was much better, though, as highlighted by the BevoMo's insane 5 cent wine sale (buy one wine bottle of certain wines at regular price, get another bottle for a nickle). Seriously, how can you not love that? But after Tuesday, I was tempted to eat some "Angry Dog" supplement food myself:

Yes Virginia, It Is Monday ....

It's not three hours into the work day and I've already had an awkward call with my boss (hereinafter referred to as the "Bi-polar Bear or "BPB"). You ever have one of those calls where you cringe the entire time and then thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. baby jesus once it's over? It was like that, but more painful. It's like the feeling every male gets when they watch the answering machine scene from "Swingers" (which remains the most painful scene in movies, worse than Ned Beatty's infamous scene in "Deliverance"). Oh well, I guess I will torture myself further by watching what I'm sure will be a significant Ireland loss to Argentina in rugby. Happy Monday!

P.S. This cat is supposed to be a moving gif file, where the cat repeatedly throws punches. Still funny but not what I thought I had posted. Ugh, this day is not going well.

Go Bears!

My California Golden Bears, ranked #6 in the nation, beat #11 Oregon in Eugene, Oregon for the first time since 1987. It was a fantastic game which went right down to the very end. I swear the last 15 minutes of the game aged me about two years.

I figured with the road win, Cal might move up a spot. But then it seemed like this was "College Football Upset Weekend." There were numerous upsets among the Top 20, which will only help Cal's ranking:

#3 Oklahoma lost to Colorado
#4 Florida lost to Auburn
#5 West Virginia lost to #18 Southern Florida
#7 Texas lost to Kansas State
#10 Rutgers lost to Maryland
#13 Clemson lost to Georgia Tech

Jesus Christ, Cal could be as high as #3 with all the losses! They haven't been ranked this high since they were #4 in December 2004 which Cal fans will long remember as the season they got fucked out of a BCS bowl game as a result of the obscene lobbying by Texas (don't get me started). Assuming Cal doesn't stumble the rest of the way (and that's a huge assumption), Cal's game against USC could have national implications. Win it and Cal would likely go to the BCS championship. Lose it and Cal would have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. The last time Cal was in the Rose Bowl, it was 1958 and my uncle Frank (who's now 70) was the starting offensive tackle for Cal.

September Statistics

September flew by for me, so here's a quick summary of how I spent my month:

26: Number of Rugby World Cup (RWC) games I have watched.
6: Number of RWC games I have yet to watch in order to be fully caught up (if I stay up all night tonight, I can get caught up I think).
7: Number of wineries that I went wine tasting to last Friday (no, I wasn't driving).
24: Number of days that my sister came out to do research in California.
40: Approximate number of bottles of wine that were consumed during said visit (this is a conservative number).
1: Number of wine glasses broken.
1,035: Number of expletives uttered (again, this is a conservative number).
8.35: Average hours of sleep my sister gets (seriously, who sleeps 8 hours a day?).
10: Number of episodes of "Arrested Development" which we watched over the past week.
0: Number of times that I dreaded her visit and wished she were home already.

We had a really nice visit, she heads back on Saturday and I'm a little sad. It was a good trip (although my memory might be distorted a bit by the wine), but it will be nice to get my house back to normal. For now, I think I will console myself with the New Zealand vs. Scotland rugby match and 8 hours of sleep (whatever that is).

Is It October Yet?

I am alive and well kiddies. I've been enjoying the past couple of days without my crazy boss and catching up on all the game for the Rugby World Cup. I've actually been watching an average of about one or two per day over the past two weeks, which has been great but really eating into my work productivity and blogging. For those that care (i.e., no one), Ireland has been shite the entire tournament, which has really bummed me out. Watching them squeak past Romania and Namibia was embarrassing, and then we got blown out by France. Ouch. Oh well, there's always 2011.

I've also been preoccupied with my sister's visit, which is in its third week. She's been out doing research and so far, the trip has gone really well. She's been gone all day -- thereby allowing me time to catch up on the rugby -- and has been really easy going. The several cases of wine that we've gone through hasn't hurt either. Anyway, she leaves soon which is kind of sad since it's been a good trip and we really haven't spent this much time together since we were in high school (class of '85, fuck yeah!). I was fearing the worst, like she would burn down my house after falling asleep while smoking in bed or inviting over a bunch of tranny burlesque performers after a late night show, but it's really been uneventful (other than the plentiful deposit of empty wine bottles in the recycling bin). There are a few days left for her to fulfill her manifest destiny, so perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon.

Oh well, anyway I am alive and doing well. Certainly better than Courtney Love who appears to have burned her mouth on a piping hot apple pie from McDonald's. Ouch! Be careful next time Courtney!

Cheney: Iraq is a "Quagmire"

Below is some seriously fucked up video footage of Dick Cheney explaining the difficulty in invading Iraq. In this interview from April 15th, 1994, Cheney reveals the reasons why invading Baghdad and toppling Saddam Hussein wouldn't be a great idea. He also stipulates that "not very many" American soldiers' lives were worth losing to take out Saddam during the Gulf War.

Here's a partial transcript of his interview:

"It's a quagmire if you go that far and tried to take on Iraq. The other thing is casualties. Everyone was impressed with the fact that we were able to do our job with as few casualties as we had. But for the 146 Americans killed in action and their families, it wasn't a cheap war. And the question for the President in terms of whether we went on to Baghdad and took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein was 'how many more dead Americans is Saddam worth?' and our judgment was 'not very many' and I think that we got it right."



It's hard to believe that a man as principled as Dick Chaney would have a fundamental change of heart just six short years later after GW was in office. So I guess by "not very many," Chaney misspoke and really meant to say "3,000 more casualties."

And I'm sure it's a total coincidence that the very next year, Cheney -- who had no prior business experience -- left the Department of Defense to become the CEO of Halliburton Co., one of the biggest oil-services companies in the world. Under Cheney's leadership, Halliburton moved up from 73rd to 18th on the Pentagon's list of top contractors. The company garnered $2.3 billion in U.S. government contracts in 1995, which almost doubled the $1.2 billion it earned from the government previously. According to the Center for Public Integrity, under Cheney's leadership the company also received $1.5 billion worth of assistance that year from government-sponsored agencies such as OPIC (Overseas Private Investment Corporation) and the Export-Import Bank, a huge increase compared to the $100 million that the company had received in federal loans and guarantees in the five years prior to Cheney's arrival. Years later, during a vice presidential debate with Joe Lieberman in the 2000 campaign, Cheney increduously asserted that "the government has absolutely nothing to do" with his financial success as chairman of Halliburton Co.

Cheney's integrity can also be seen as Halliburton honorably plead guilty to criminal charges that Halliburton *allegedly* violated a U.S. ban on exports to Libya by selling Col. Qaddafi six pulse neutron generators, devices that can be used to detonate nuclear weapons for which Halliburton paid a stiff $3.8 million penalty to settle the *alleged* violations. Hello, that's almost a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR penalty they had to pay. And you can bet that they learned their lesson and that that would be the last time that Halliburton ever tried to pull anything shady with the U.S. Federal Government ever again.

"Really Honey, You Shouldn't Have ..."

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Jon Stewart to the Rescue

In the latest news of the great, Jon Stewart is set to host the 80th Academy Awards in February. The host of "The Daily Show" took charge of the Oscars for the first time when he presented the 78th Academy Awards. Telecast producer Gilbert Cates says, "Jon was a terrific host for the 78th Awards. He is smart, quick, funny, loves movies and is a great guy. What else could one ask for?"

[ Editor's note - If Stewart is so "smart, quick and funny" explain to me why where we subjected to Ellen DeGeneres last year? ]

Stewart adds, "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm!"

Of course this gives me the perfect opportunity to post a totally unrelated YouTube clip (a/k/a "blog filler") of Jon Stewart sorting out U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East. Ta da!

I Am Frightened ...

So I just found out that my department will be having a mandatory retreat in the Ozarks in early November. Yes, David James is headed back to Missouri, kiddos. Hello freezing weather and awkward three hour bus ride with the Bipolar Bear. God, I am not looking forward to this trip and am positively frightened about spending 48 hours in what I can only imagine is a scene out of Deliverance. God help us all.

Other random things that scare me:

* Ray Lewis (circa 1999)
* Naked guys who eat tofu hot dogs
* Amy Winehouse
* This catfish:

Cal 45, Tennessee 31

My California Golden Bears avenged last year's season-opening loss to Tennessee by trashing them 45-31 yesterday in Berkeley. In the game, DeSean Jackson had this insane 77 yard punt return, where he repeatedly juked his way free in a series of moves on the way to the end zone. And despite Brent Musberger's atrocious call ("Shake and bake!"), I could watch this video over and over again.

And in fact, I have.

Week In Review

Wow, what a crazy week this has been. On the bright side, I have friends that are having babies and quitting jobs they loathe (congratulations again to Kate and JP, respectively). On the negative side, others of us have been dealing with sick parents, crazy bosses, insanely hot weather and jobs that they loath (but unfortunately cannot quit).

Speaking of jobs, I returned this week after a 24-hour trip to STL, which included a stilted 3-hour (!) dinner with my boss followed by an inane 6-hour meeting the following day. It was during the same trip where two co-workers were almost brought to tears by my insane boss. He also made another person almost miss his plane flight out of St. Louis so he could visit his family for one day before he heading to Singapore for a week to work on some crazy deal. My boss kept him at the office an extra half hour -- while a cab was outside waiting to take him to the airport -- talking about non-substantive stuff that could have been handled over the phone on the way to the airport.

You can't even comprehend the feeling I have each time when I leave -- it's an odd combination of utter joy, sheer exhaustion, couple with a significant dose of disgust (from the food, the people, the airport, the weather). It's like that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank Prison -- "Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too." Leaving STL is really very similar to that experience, it's shitty and no one else wants to imagine what it's like. The only thing missing is the part where I retire to Mexico and live off a boat there.

What's Going On ....

So quick update, my dad was doing a bit better this weekend after going to the ER on Friday afternoon. He was in pretty good spirits today, which happens to be his 67th birthday. So I swung by with the kids this afternoon, with gift and birthday cupcake in hand. It was the cupcake purchase which led to the following interaction with my youngest progeny:

O: "Who's that cupcake for?"
Me: "That's for grandpa's birthday."
O (sounding like a young Veruca Salt): "I want a cupcake, too!!!"
Me: "Well it's grandpa's birthday, so why don't we let him eat it?"
O (thinking fast): "But that cupcake won't be good for grandpa, he's sick."

Ahh, my lil' doctor ... always looking out for her patients' best interests. I never knew that they started putting some sort of kidney rejection serum into cupcakes! Not only was she alert enough to warm me of the latent danger, she was also gracious enough to offer to dispose of the harmful baked good. And to think I was never made aware by his doctors. So go suck on that Stanford Hospital!

Worst. Conference. Call. Ever

Dearsweetlordjesusinheaven, please kill me. I'm working with my crazy boss to make some changes to a contract document, and it's just brutal. I'm in minute 90 of a what will be a three hour call. I imagine a bear mauling would be more comfortable. And about 10 minutes ago, he uttered the fantastic line "we've almost got the contract down to one page, that would be hot."

"Hot?" really, would it be hot? Funny, I never thought of contract documents as possessing personal qualities such as hot, cool or sweet. Also, what 48-year old man talks like that? It's like I'm on a call with Paris Hilton, except she would know more about contract law. Zing!

I'm Back

So real quick, I made it back from my vacation to Ireland (had a good time but am exhausted) and then I found out that my dad had a kidney transplant the day I was returning (he's doing okay). So while there's a lot to write about, I'm not much in the mood. Sorry about that, but I will write further shortly.

Good Morni..., uhhh, Afternoon

It's only 2:00 and already it's been a long day. I'm wrapping up (or at least trying to) a bunch of stuff before I go on vacation and I keep thinking of stuff I need to do. Oh well, shit will be waiting for me here when I get back I guess. I'm not certain that I will be able or inclined to post anything while I'm on vacation, so this might be the last bit you hear from me until late next week (or if the plane crashes, ever). I should have some good travel stories, though, to share if I make it back safely. Chat with you soon.

Helps A-Comin' for GW!

Awesome title and corresponding photo. Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

Let The Good Times Roll

New research from Rutgers University suggests that the combination of exercise and caffeine increased destruction of precancerous cells that had been damaged by the sun's ultraviolet-B radiation. The study of mice indicated that there is a protective effect from both caffeine and voluntary exercise, and when both are combined the protection is even more than the sum of the two. Compared with the control animals, those drinking caffeine had a 95 percent increase in apoptosis in damaged cells. The exercisers showed a 120 percent increase, and the mice that were both drinking and running showed a nearly 400 percent increase.

Putting aside the obvious fantastic news that scientists have somehow discovered how to get mice to drink coffee, this is also a welcome discovery because I will probably have about a 1700 increase in apotosis (whatever that is) based on my caffeine consumption alone. Add in the occasional run, and I figure that purchasing sunscreen is probably a thing of the past, just like dinosaurs. Only, not as scary.

I'm Alive ...

... and still a corporate whore. I appreciate all the cards and letters and well wishings during my recent hiatus. After some back-and-forth last week, I finally turned down the job offer. I analyzed it to death (and thanks to everyone that I called to ask for their advice), but it boiled down to a few simple things - money and, uhhh, well something else I'm sure. Seriously, it was partly due to a proposed pay cut of approximately 15% (ouch), but there were was also some quality of life issues and pros/cons to balance out:

* Proposed job - 80 minute commute each way; daily bathing required; probably can't go barefoot at work; incessant surfing of sports and celebrity gossip websites probably frowned upon; actual physical interaction with other human beings probably a good thing.

* Current job - 30 second commute today; optional grooming habits; and freedom to eat, nap and run errands as I see fit (although I do spend most of my day working, believe it or not); periodic visits to Shit Louis and blog fodder from my bipolar bear boss.

So just like the current administration, I will grit my teeth for the next year or so and hope that the next year won't be as bad as the past eight months. I just hope that my corporate diaper is less full of crap than GW.

This Just In, David James is Still a Corporate Whore ....

I finally had my follow up discussion with potential employer this afternoon. I don't know what was worse, the actual conversation itself ("uhhh, can I pleeeeaassse have some more money") or my procrastinating and postponing it until the very end of the day? I'm sensing the latter. Despite my stammering, inability to articulate and utter greed, he wasn't entirely turned off. He said he would talk to his HR department and make a counter. God I am hoping all this will be quickly resolved, one way or another. Trying to work when I mentally have one foot out the door has been difficult and devoting mental energy and boring friends with my "what do you think" conversations is getting really old. Oh well, I should know more tomorrow (Tuesday). Wheee!

Sunday Reflection

Sorry this blog has gone to shit this past week or so, but I've been busy with work while also heavily debating as to whether to take a new job I was recently offered. As much as I would love to take it and get the hell out of this corporate M*A*S*H unit, it's just too much of a pay cut. I am scheduled to call them tomorrow to tell them what it would take for me to accept, but no matter how I slice the numbers, I'm still taking a financial hit if I leave my current company.

So I've come to the depressing conclusion that unless a miracle happens, I'm stuck with my current employer for another year (349 days to be exact until my options vest). There's actually a lot of things I like about my current job, so hopefully I can focus on those positive things as opposed to contemplating what a complete corporate whore I've become.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Goulet!

Sorry for the video post but: (a) while it's generally due to laziness, in this case I'm slammed with work and (b) it's pretty funny if you like Will Ferrell. Take a gander. New content tomorrow, I promise.

Perv of Wales

Fantastic photo of Prince Charles keeping abreast of military matters (ba dum bum!). It's refreshing to see that Charles still has it at 59 (!) and that Harry and William aren't the only royals getting a little bit of action. There's something about candid royal photos that you just have to love.

*Ow*

And this, boys and girls, is why I chose rugby over training for a decathlon. Well, that and I would suck at like six of the track and field events. But even if I did enter the decathlon, you can be sure as shit that I would pass on the pole vault and save myself for the next mortifying event.


http://view.break.com/329160 - Watch more free videos

The Blog Gets Rated

I just came across a handy little website which gives your blog an MPAA rating. I am proud to announce that mine is NC-17 rated. I'm not sure that I can really improve upon this (is there an NC-31?), but rest assured dear reader(s) that I will do my damnedest to continue to bring you the not-entirely-safe-for-work content you've grown accustomed to over the years.

"Officer, Let Me Explain What I Was Doing With That Duct Tape and Shovel ...."

I am not what you would call a huge fan of the state of Missouri for a number of reasons, many of which are work related and well documented in this blog (Editor’s note: I’ve deleted substantially all of my work-related rants for fear that my employer would discover them. Yes, my new boss makes me paranoid.)

But then I read a fun story like this and I realize "you know, there’s plenty to dislike about the state and its residents without having to rely upon my employer."

Timothy Pentaleri, of Belleville, Missouri, was charged with attempted kidnapping and two counts of attempted harassment/stalking, according to court documents. He allegedly laid out his plan to kidnap a former girlfriend in Minneapolis in a notebook, which included a flow chart, outlining his goal to stun, Mace and "club her hard," according to court documents.

Pentaleri -- an Army officer and, apparently, a total psycho -- showed up at the airport wearing a long-haired wig, a fake mustache and beard when he was stopped and questioned near an airport carousel, according to police. Authorities said he was found carrying a stun gun, three chemical aerosol Mace cans, a folding pocket knife, a set of SUV keys and an expandable baton. Was he arrested? Nope, he was simply issued a trespass notice and dropped off at an area hotel.

Now in most areas, this would be cause for arrest. Jesus, I get strip-searched at the goddamned airport if I carry on more than 3 ounces of liquids. But somehow this nutbag brings a stun gun, mace, pocket knife, and expandable baton to an aiport and gets off with a simple warning. What the fuck? But I have to keep reminding myself that this is Missouri and apparently this kind of thing is commonplace.

The story doesn't stop there though.

Police then reviewed footage from the camera monitoring system in the airport parking ramps and saw Pentaleri walking from the short-term ramp. They located his red GMC SUV parked there. Through the vehicle's window, police could see a duffel bag, a roll of duct tape, a shovel, rope and flex cuffs.

Pretty ordinary fare if you ask me. Honestly, who doesn't have flex cuffs and a shovel in their SUV?

Realizing that this guy might not be your typical Missouri gun nut, police then obtained a warrant to search the inside of the dude's SUV parked at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and found a notebook with a checklist of items inside the vehicle.

Do you think it ever occurred to them that they might have made a mistake in letting him go? Probably not. But wait, the story gets *even* better.

For some reason, the dumbass returned to his vehicle at which point the police stopped him. The searched his duffel bag to find the following items (and I quote "six condoms, a pillow case cut into strips, a camera, a turkey baster, KY oil, a bag of plastic gloves, two bags of zip ties, a package of Bic lighters, two-sided tape, shoe polish, a pair of nylon socks and Clorox disinfectant wipes."

I swear to god, I am not making this shit up. I honestly could not have made up a funnier list of items if I had tried. Two-sided tape and disinfectant wipes? Brilliant. On some level, you really have to admire this guy, either for his attention to detail ("Let's see here .... pillow case pre-cut into strips? Check...") and unbridled optimism (six condoms!). Does this dude know how to party or what? Seriously, this guy is some sort of cross between MacGyver and the A-Team. He doesn't need incarceration -- he needs his own TV show. This guy would blow "Dog The Bounty Hunter" (oh don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) out of the water. All he has to do is grow out his mullet and I swear I'm ordering the pay-per-view package right now.

Separated at Birth - Courtney Love

Here we have a recent photo of the 100% sane / sober / natural Courtney Love:


... and a Kabuki mask.


Seriously, what the hell is going on with Courtney Love's face? I know she's had a lot of work done, but I almost didn't even recognize her. She looks like the Joker, except more cartoon-like. Unfortunately, her disguise was spoiled by her trademarked trout mouth, lion's mane hairstyle, and usual coked-out expression.

And what the fuck is she wearing? By all appearances, she spent a good deal of time selecting her all-white snow queen ensemble, complete with matching leather snow gloves. But jesus christ, couldn't you take a couple of minutes to throw on a bra? Where you in that big a rush to be pose for the paparazzi? Evidently she can't button up your blouse while wearing those crazy snow mittens. Oh wait, on closer inspection it appears that there are no buttons -- it's meant to be worn just like that. Ack!

Good god woman, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my celebrity train wreck list here pretty soon.

Run Forest, Run!

So I went on what I thought would be a short little run in a regional park near where I live. It has trails and some hills and is very tranquil and woodsy. Certainly not the Oakland that everyone imagines.

Before I start off on my run, I double-check the trail map, grab my iPod with a thirty minute playlist of Goth/Country music, and take a final swig of water.

Now I should probably note that even though I've run this park a few times before, I tried a different trail each time so I can't say I'm extremely familiar with all the trails. I am familiar with the parking lot as well as the first mile or so of trail, but it's a bit of crapshoot after that. But I figure so long as I head out and maintain a steady circle, I should be just fine. I think to myself "seriously, how lost can I get in half an hour?"

So I head off on the main trail, make a right and after about 10 minutes I'm running along here:


... make a left, and I'm on this trail ....


... or should it have been a right? Oh well, who cares. I'll find the main path eventually. There are others hiking and riding on this trail, so I pay it no mind and keep running ....


Wow it's really pretty today although this path doesn't look very familiar. Oh well, it's a nice day, I don't have to think about my job and can just think about nothing. Hmmm, am I already getting near the end of my playlist? I guess it was shorter than I thought.


Okay seriously, where the fuck am I? I've been running for 40 minutes and none of this looks familiar at all. I don't have pictures of the actual trails I'm running on at this point, but they are very narrow and slightly overgrown with growth. It looks like the path below, but more jungly. (I realize "jungly" is not a word, but you get the idea.) There's no one else on the path, so my Donner Party survivor fallback plan is out the window.


At about minute 45 or so, I finally stumble upon what looks like the main trail. I keep on the trail until I run into the Chabot Observatory. Looking at the map there, I find that I had somehow veered *way* off my original path and am still a mile and a half way. Momentary panic attack aside, I continue on my way and finally make it back to the parking lot. And while I'm relieved that I won't have to eat grubs and berries until a rescue party locates me, it would have gotten me out of this crappy conference call I'm on right now. I guess I have to take the bad with the good.

For Members Only!

Twenty-five years later, and the Member's Only is still going strong. Right on Luke from General Hospital!

See, I was able to keep my New Year's resolution to incorporate more 70's expressions into my every day conversations. The real challenge will be tomorrow when I try to use the terms "solid" and "dig it" as I get handed my ass to me during a conference call with a contentious customer. Dy-no-mite!

Can Someone Spare an Emery Board?

This past Friday, I culminated an action packed day with a physical therapy session for my ailing shoulder (which is coming along fine, thanks for asking). I hopped in my car and with my mind processing a bunch of different things (where's my parking ticket, answer call on my phone, etc.), I headed towards the parking lot cashier. I quickly roll down the window without making eye contact (where the hell is that validation stamp they gave me?), I handed my ticket to the parking lot attendant and saw one of the scariest sights of my life:


This woman had the longest fingernails I had ever seen in my life! Her nails were easily as long as the talons pictured above. I was so busy trying to affix my parking validation stamp on my ticket, that I didn't even notice what was going on until I saw what I thought was a fucking lobster's was reaching out to take my ticket.

They were so long that she could not take my ticket as a normal person would do. Instead, she spread apart her fingers in a scissor-like motion so that I could insert the parking ticket between her two, oversized pincers. Words do not describe how freaked out I was.

It's over 30 hours later, and I'm still entirely creeped out. It's the only parking garage in the area, so I think I'm going to have to abruptly cancel my remaining PT appointments. Oh well, at least I have one functional shoulder.

Friday Musings

I'm on a mind numbing call right now and so I thought I would post the only photo which keeps me from gouging out my eyes right now.

It could be a combination of the subject matter ... it could be the monotone delivery of the speaker ... or it could be that I simply don't give a shit any more about this job. To be honest, I sort of like what I do and I actually like working from home (a lot), but I don't know how much longer I can do this job. It's actually considered a pretty good job, so part of me is very afraid that the rest of my work life will be similarly disappointing and lacking of any redeeming value.

I really don't want to sound like a whiny bitch (I know, too late) but this has been bothering me for a while. I know that things could be far worse. I realize that I could be out of a job tomorrow, scavenging half eaten chicken wings from a dumpster behind KFC. But almost all the other people I know that have similar jobs really don't like them. Deep down, I'm worried that that it will be the same thing with any other company and that I'm going to be stuck doing this crap for the rest of my life.

Oh well, my call is over now so maybe I'll contemplate the meaning of life for a while. Or, alternatively, spend the balance of the afternoon searching the Internet for mindless pablum to make the day go by quicker.

Don't Feed the Monkeys

No apologies ... no funny YouTube clips ... Instead, on with the quick 5-minute synopsis of what's up with me.

* I started physical therapy on my shoulder this past week. Long story short, it's messed up from years of weight lifting and rugby (AC joint sprain, scar tissue, and likely rotator cuff/labrum damage). Fortunately, it will be just fine with some PT, which is good since I need to defend my rugby team MVP award. However, I'm starting to think that my physical therapist might be a bit of a sadist. She seemed nice enough at first, but halfway through the session, she's got me in some sort of crazy arm bar and she's digging her thumb into my shoulder like she's trying to push a cork back into a wine bottle. Jesus, you would have thought I asked for a happy ending or something. Anyway, I wouldn't disclose anything other than name, rank and serial number, so she finally gave after what seemed like 1/2 hour of torture. I'm sure this week she'll try something new, like bamboo under the fingernails which she'll disguise as some sort of acupuncture.

* I went to two baseball games this past week (thanks JFS and CRM for tickets) and saw five future Hall-of-Famers play - Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Ken Griffey Jr., Alex Rodriguez, and Derek Jeter. I also saw a couple of borderline candidates (Jorge Posada, Johnny Damon, Joe Torre) and a bunch of all-time stars (e.g., Willie Mays, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal). Which is great because there's no way on God's green earth that I'm shelling out $600 to sit in the bleachers during the baseball All Star game. That is highway-fucking robbery. It's a goddamned exhibit game, folks. No sane person should have to drop a grand for some crappy All Star game that they can watch on TV. Jesus christ are the tickets also made of gold and entitle us entry to Willie Wonka's chocolate factory? Where's my golden goose?

* Lastly, I'd like to wish Mr. Chips a happy 12th birthday. I'm not really certain what his exact year or date of birth is, so I picked June 26th out of my ass. But the little fella could use some cheer after the year he's had -- IRS audit for failing to report income and file 6 years of back taxes ... losing his tenure due to plagiarism and other unspoken scandals at the university ... battling numerous chemical dependencies and suffering numerous relapses ... not to mention being the subject of a bitter custody dispute. Fortunately, the parties were able to put it all behind them (he said "behind") and actually brought Mr. Chips to New York this past year. Here are a couple of G-rated pictures of Mr. Chips from our April trip:

Here's a photo of Mr. Chips, who was exhausted after 7 blocks of driving. Come to think of it, the three Mai Thais he had at lunch probably didn't help matters either.




Here's another photo of Mr. Chips, who's now awake and evidently ready for a little action.



Happy birthday, buddy! Daddy and ..., uhhh, daddy are very proud of you! Next year -- Amsterdam!

Hollywood, Thy Name is Insane

In the latest sign that Hollywood is entirely out of new ideas, it was announced that director Ridley Scott is preparing a feature-length version of the venerable board game "Monopoly".

The 69-year-old British film-maker -- whose films include such hits as "Alien," "Blade Runner," "Thelma & Louise," "Gladiator" and "Black Hawk Down" -- has been offered the pick of young actors to help turn the popular oard game into a "comedy thriller" (whatever the hell that means). Hasbro (which owns Parker Brothers, the manufacturer of Monopoly in the U.S.) wants the film to feature "sexy young people" in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games. To that end, the William Morris Agency has promised Hasbro that the cream of its stable of 2000 actors will help create a blockbuster movie, including Scarlett Johansson (hooray!) and Kirsten Dunst (ack!).

Okay, a couple of things here. First, the obvious question - why the fuck would anyone want to watch a movie about the Monopoly game? Still looking to follow in the big box office footsteps of "Clue?" What's next, Candyland? When can we expect "Dominoes - The Movie" or "Charades" on the big screen?

Putting aside the ludicrous premise and scraping for material for a moment, what the hell is Ridley Scott doing directing something so inane as this? Honestly, Riddles, are you that hard up for money? Has your Director's Guild 401(k) really performed that poorly? Have some pride, man. At least wait for the movie remake of "The Love Boat" or "BJ and the Bear."

And lastly, who are these people who keep trying to perpetrate the lie that Kirsten Dunst is sexy? I honestly wouldn't even consider her mildly attractive. But sexy? No way, unless by "sexy" you really mean "snaggle tooth wraith." Now if she agreed to play the "shoe token" then her casting would make a lot more sense. But still, even if Scarlett Johansson agreed to run around nude for the entire movie, there's no way to counterbalance the fug which is Kirsten Dunst. The only way to make this work would be to replace the Monopoly board and hotels with "steel cage" and "bears," respectively. Only then could I honestly say that I would be happy to watch a Kirsten Dunst movie. Otherwise, I would sooner watch a video of my own colonoscopy than this crap.

Separated at Birth - Cameron Diaz

See if you can distinguish between the "sexy" Hollywood actress:



... and the scary Halloween jack-o-lantern:

Carl Lewis Clearly Not The Baddest Dude Alive

I used to think that Carl Lewis was the baddest dude alive. Until I saw this video of Sébastien Chabal. Chabal, who could double for Rob Zombie's HGH-laddened twin brother, plays flanker and #8 for France's national rugby team, which will be hosting the Rugby World Cup in less than three months.

Chabal, whos's listed at 6'3", 253 lbs, is affectionately referred to in France as "l'homme des cavernes" - "the Caveman." He's also been called the "anaesthetist," which he seems to demonstrate in the first half of the video clip.

I simply call him the baddest dude alive. Step aside Carl, there's a new tough dude wearing a leotard in town. And his name is Sébastien Chabal.

In all seriousness, this dude is bad. There are two hits against the New Zealand All Blacks (which are also full of BAMFers) in this video clip, both of which look very painful. Certainly not for the squeamish or amy anti-violence members of my audience.

Carl Lewis - The Baddest Dude Alive?

I never bought the old "Carl Lewis is gay" conspiracy. Sure he wasn't as macho as other celebrity athletes, but so what. Prince never struck me as the most masculine dude in the world either, but he macked everything that walked.

After all these years of whispers and innuendo, it's pretty safe to say that my opinion has been fully vindicated given this video evidence I unearthed. Now some conspiracy theorists will point to his one-piece unitard, effeminate gestures, and falsetto voice as irrefutable proof of his orientation.

Personally, I think the video proves the exact opposite.

* First, it should be noted that he's the only man working out in a gym with a bunch of women -- hello, this is every straight man's fantasy!

* Second, at the end of the video, Carl is seen being escorted by a white woman into a sauna. What's the old expression - "If this sauna is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"?

[ N.B. I will be the first to admit that his saunamate is a bit on the mature side, but I'm guessing he has some sort of kinky GILF fetish. Even more macho. ]

* Lastly, and most importantly, no gay man would be caught dead in that horrible outfit. belt? Sweet Jesus, a black unitard with a white workout belt? Gianni Versace would roll over in his motherfucking grave if he saw this fashion statement.

The defense rests. The verdict? Carl Lewis -- Guilty of being a bad-ass motherfucker.

Best. Picture. Ever.

The only thing which would make this picture better was if there was an angry Doberman in the back of the car with her. But I'm really just nitpicking here.

Head's Up (Revisted)

But of course I found a videoclip which pertains to my last post? Did you really doubt my ability to do so? Shame on you ...

Head's Up!

In the latest "man gets incurable erection" story of the day, a New York man has sued the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG -- the maker of the health drink "Boost Plus" -- claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. Novartis' "Boost Plus" website describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

Side note #1 - What's this? A sports drink that's both chocolatey and boner-riffic? Sign me up!

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Side note #2 - For those that glossed over it, the guy's last name is "Woods" - how fitting is that? Honestly, you could make up a name like "Stiffy Johnson" or "Dick Pole" and it still wouldn't be as good as the real thing.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.

Side note #3 - Now I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that the treatment for morning wood is masturbation. But no, this guy went with the non-standard treatment instead of the obvious cure...

They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

Side note #4 - If any of the medical staff had any sense of humor at all, they really should have some fun with it and renamed it a "Weiner shunt."

The lawsuit, filed late Monday, says Woods later had problems that required a hospital visit and penile artery embolization, a way of closing blood vessels. Closing off some blood flow prevents engorgement and lessens the likelihood of an erection.

Side note #5 - Dear lord in heaven, this whole procedure sounds horrible. Unless Scarlett Johansson is implanting the shunt with her mouth, there is no way in hell I would ever agree this procedure. I would sooner agree to implanting a shunt in my eye than my johnson.

Hump Day

I think I am starting to crack working from home. I've actually named the herd of 2 to 3 deer that regularly run through my yard right in front of my office. This is "Bojangles" (what did you expect, Rudolph?).

She (or he) has two friends - "Muffin" and "Grandmaster Flash" - that also regularly traipse through my yard. They're great pets because I don't have to feed them and they pretty much take care of themselves. How convenient is that?

So I went and saw my orthopedic specialist who prescribed an MRI for my still-not-improving shoulder. Which was fine because I'm not exactly thrilled with having a left arm like Kevin Spacey's character in "The Usual Suspects." Actually, it's not that bad but still it's been pretty bothersome and some things irritate the shit out of it.

So I called my health care provider who shall remain nameless (hint: unscramble the following letters to spell their name: "Untied"). The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Okay, so what's the MRI going to cost me? I presume it's covered under the Premium health plan."
Untied: "Well, it looks like you'll have to pay a $250 deductible plus 10% of the cost of the procedure. Insurance will pick up the other 90%."
Me: "I'm sorry, I must have had a bad connection. It sounded like you said that I'd have to pay about $400 for a simple MRI."
Untied: "Actually it will probably be closer to $500."

Sadly, they are serious. I ask myself, why the fuck am I paying for health insurance? I might as well self-insure. I'm sure an unemployed homeless person would have to pay less for a goddamned MRI. And at the end of the day, I'm going to shell out $500 and all I'm going to get is someone telling me that my shoulder is messed up and I should lay off the rugby and start taking ibuprofen. Thanks for the expert advice.

You're Doing a Helluva Job Scooter

As you most certainly have already heard, former White House aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison and fined $250,000 for perjury and obstruction of justice in connection with the CIA leak case. He also will serve two years probation following the prison term. Libby stood calmly as a federal judge said the evidence had overwhelmingly proven his guilt.

The judge said people in positions like the one Libby held -- chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney -- "have a special obligation to not do anything that might create a problem." (As an aside, that sentence sounds like an 8th grader wrote it. Is he a judge or what?)

The judge will decide next week whether to put the sentence on hold while the appeal plays out, or to send Libby to prison right away.

Meanwhile, President Bush said he feels "terrible" for Libby's family but does not intend to intervene now in his case.

No shit you're not going to intervene. What the fuck were you planning to do, W? Pardon him? Even you're not that godddamned stupid to suggest something so retarded as that. Were you going help out by drafting the appeal for Libby? God, I can only imagine you struggling to write one of those "court thingies." Or were you going to bust him out of jail like the goddamned A Team? Jesus christ but that dude is retarded.