"Really Honey, You Shouldn't Have ..."

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I Am Frightened ...

So I just found out that my department will be having a mandatory retreat in the Ozarks in early November. Yes, David James is headed back to Missouri, kiddos. Hello freezing weather and awkward three hour bus ride with the Bipolar Bear. God, I am not looking forward to this trip and am positively frightened about spending 48 hours in what I can only imagine is a scene out of Deliverance. God help us all.

Other random things that scare me:

* Ray Lewis (circa 1999)
* Naked guys who eat tofu hot dogs
* Amy Winehouse
* This catfish:

Separated at Birth - Courtney Love

Here we have a recent photo of the 100% sane / sober / natural Courtney Love:


... and a Kabuki mask.


Seriously, what the hell is going on with Courtney Love's face? I know she's had a lot of work done, but I almost didn't even recognize her. She looks like the Joker, except more cartoon-like. Unfortunately, her disguise was spoiled by her trademarked trout mouth, lion's mane hairstyle, and usual coked-out expression.

And what the fuck is she wearing? By all appearances, she spent a good deal of time selecting her all-white snow queen ensemble, complete with matching leather snow gloves. But jesus christ, couldn't you take a couple of minutes to throw on a bra? Where you in that big a rush to be pose for the paparazzi? Evidently she can't button up your blouse while wearing those crazy snow mittens. Oh wait, on closer inspection it appears that there are no buttons -- it's meant to be worn just like that. Ack!

Good god woman, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my celebrity train wreck list here pretty soon.

Can Someone Spare an Emery Board?

This past Friday, I culminated an action packed day with a physical therapy session for my ailing shoulder (which is coming along fine, thanks for asking). I hopped in my car and with my mind processing a bunch of different things (where's my parking ticket, answer call on my phone, etc.), I headed towards the parking lot cashier. I quickly roll down the window without making eye contact (where the hell is that validation stamp they gave me?), I handed my ticket to the parking lot attendant and saw one of the scariest sights of my life:


This woman had the longest fingernails I had ever seen in my life! Her nails were easily as long as the talons pictured above. I was so busy trying to affix my parking validation stamp on my ticket, that I didn't even notice what was going on until I saw what I thought was a fucking lobster's was reaching out to take my ticket.

They were so long that she could not take my ticket as a normal person would do. Instead, she spread apart her fingers in a scissor-like motion so that I could insert the parking ticket between her two, oversized pincers. Words do not describe how freaked out I was.

It's over 30 hours later, and I'm still entirely creeped out. It's the only parking garage in the area, so I think I'm going to have to abruptly cancel my remaining PT appointments. Oh well, at least I have one functional shoulder.

Al Reynolds Tortured By Giant Bear!!!

God, there are times when I hate the Internet. And this is one of those times. Oh well, I figure that if I had to see these horrifying photos, then my worldwide audience should share in them well.

Here are recent photos of Star Jones giving her husband Al Reynolds a lap dance at some bar at 2:00 a.m. following the Kentucky Derby. As you can see, Al appears less than thrilled by her affectionate gesture. And by "less than thrilled" I mean "horrified and repulsed." I honestly don't know which picture I love more. Is it the first one of him where he appears in total anguish? Or is it the second one where he has a resigned look of disgust?

From now on, I will thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jesus that Star Jones was not one of the lap dance contestants at Lucky Cheng's that fateful night in April. It's a long story and the photos are fuzzy. But the memories are clear and I shudder to think what she might have done to me. Thankfully, I live on and will continue to "work" from home, pausing every 30 minutes or so to wander into the kitchen to graze incessantly. Good times.

Most. Painful. Video. Ever.

-

It's usually painful to watch middle-aged white folks rap or emulate anything having to do with hip-hop culture. This video clip is no different. It's taken from the recent Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner where Karl Rove and a group of other clowns rap, dance and beat box to their little right-wing hearts' content.

Good god where do you begin when analyzing this clip? I honestly don't know what was the most appalling -- there are so many choices:

* Karl Rove warbling "MC Rove!" repeatedly in his horrible, robotic voice. He sounded like Darth Vader after years of smoking unfiltered Marlboros. I'm a grown man, but I doubt I'll sleep soundly tonight after hearing it.

* The beatbox "scratching" by comedian Colin Mochrie (whoever the hell that is) which sounds like a screeching wail of a monkey. At one point, I swear it sounded like people were making random jungle type noises. Awful.

* I cannot even comment about the "dancing" other than to say I would have preferred to have been born blind than having watched it. Twice.

Still, I think my favorite part has to be the token black guy that was assigned to dance in the back (but not talk) in order to legitimize the whole skit. I'm surprised that they didn't ask him to play the spoons. Certainly a proud moment in his life.

Okay, I'm going to go throw up now. Have a nice afternoon.

Al Gore, What the Fuck Did You Eat?

Jesus Christ, stay away from the deep fried St. Louis food. Now that you've discovered the Internet, Al, you need to discover yogurt and sit-ups. Hop to it, my man.

Sorry it's not much. I wanted to post something, but I'm swamped today. I hope you all have a great holiday weekend.

Separated at Birth...

... Chaka Khan and the Earth.

There's nothing wrong with being plus-sized Chaka, just don't dress up like the Big Blue Marble. I'm just saying.

Celebrity Plastic Surgery Gone Awry

It's odd / funny / sad how often bad cheek implants make a celebrity look like Madame (I'm not certain who ends up looking like Wayland Flowers). Joan Rivers is a lost cause. I know Dolly's 60, but good lord, what the hell happened to her? And is that Cher or Axel Rose?

Separated at Birth

Fergie and E.T. Absolutely accurate ... and frightening.



Preview: A more detailed post about my STL trip will follow.