Dear Diary

In case I hadn't mentioned it (and senility is seriously starting to creep in these days), I've been working from home for about six months now ever since my company closed our San Francisco satellite office. At first I didn't like it -- it was isolating, I found myself snacking non-stop, and missed working in The City. After a while, I was indifferent ("It's better than driving an hour-and-a-half to Santa Clara each day."), but now I've really come to embrace it. I can sleep in late, run errands, etc. so long as I get my work done. Daily grooming? Ahh, who's keeping track?

I've had a number of folks ask me what a typical day is like. So I decided to keep track of how I spend a somewhat-typical work day:

6:30 - Open eyes, quickly check email on my Blackberry. If there are no more than 5 urgent email messages, I either go back to sleep or perhaps head to the gym. Guess which option gets selected more often?

7:15 - Consume first dose of caffeine of the day. Fret about the day that I run out of coffee and actually have to leave the house in order to buy some more.

8:58 - Awake from sleep / return from gym. Officially start my work day by responding to urgent email.

9:05 - Get bored with work, start surfing celebrity gossip and other odd stories on the Internet.

9:18 - Remember that I totally forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

9:30 - Remember that I forgot to eat breakfast, cook up some sort of grilled cheese item of some sort. This will not be the last one of the day. I immediately regret not going to the gym.

9:45 - Eye remainder of Halloween candy. Pledge that I will not eat 5 pieces of candy again today. Be strong, David. Be strong.

9:50 - Walk 50 feet and head back to work. Time to start slaving for the man.

10:15 - Tired of slaving for the man, I elect to try to beat my best score at Wii bowling.

10:35 - Phone rings, my first contact with a human being. Hooray!

10:36 - Note that the caller is my crazy boss, let it roll to voicemail and head back to the Wii.

10:45 - Remember that I still haven't brushed my teeth. Contemplate whether there's any fluoride in coffee. Probably not, so I guess I'll do it the old fashioned way.

11:00 - Begin planning my lunch. And by "planning" I mean consuming. Man, that grilled cheese sandwich was tasty.

11:04 - Shit, I'm late for my conference call. God this job is really getting in the way of my daily productivity.

11:45 - Call is over and my official lunch break begins. Estimate that I will need to play the Wii for 60 minutes straight in order to burn off my first lunch. Immediately commence with lunchtime exercise of Wii boxing and baseball.

12:25 - Note that my shoulder is starting to hurt from too much Wii. Is it possible to get Wii tennis elbow? How is it that I play rugby but get injured while Wii bowling? Pathetic.

12:50 - Remember that I forgot to shower and shave today. Shrug shoulders as I realize that I'm headed to rugby practice tonight any way, so why bother.

1:20 - Consume my umpteenth caffeinated beverage of the day. Google "how much caffeine does it take to kill me" to inquire as to how close I am to death. Two more cups of coffee should do it.

1:50- Inhale another piece of Halloween candy after finishing up a conference call. Discover that I am running desperately low on Reese's peanut butter cups. Would 911 respond to me desperate cry for help?

2:15 - Just finished up a delightful call with my boss. As I sit here contemplating who I tortured in a past life to have this work karma, I think to my self "fuck it" and decide to drink those last 2 cups of coffee in order to kill myself. Goodbye cruel world.

2:20 - Notice I'm still alive. Guessing that I miscalculated the lethal dosage of caffeine, I return to work. But first, one more Snickers.

3:00-5:00 - This is my prime work time. Most of the people I work with are in the Midwest and East Coast and they pretty much leave me alone during this time period. Most of the day leading up to this is a flurry of urgent email, conference calls and other fires that I basically put out all day (huh huh, he said "put out").

5:02 - Promise myself to be more productive tomorrow.

And with that, the evening whistle blows and I am pretty much done with my work day. Time to get the mail, eat yet again, and pick up my tuxedo for my friend R's wedding this Saturday. Good times.


[ Editor's note: This running diary is a literary work and should not be taken literally. David James is a very hard working and conscientious employee and devotes 100% of his time, energy and heart in to his job on a 24x7 basis. Seriously, don't fire me.]