Lazy Sunday

The list of "Things That Creep Me Out" is pretty long and I'm still pretty exhausted from my trip, but I just saw this unusual little play doll that pees vigorously after you feed it liquids.

And by "unusual" I really mean disgusting.



Be back this week with real, live commentary. I promise.

Palin: Being Gay Is A Choice

Despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary, Sarah Palin still believes that homosexuals choose their sexual orientation. In yet another video clip as a result of her recent interview with Katie Couric (as a side note, how long did she interview her for)

Palin: "I have, one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years who happens to be gay."

Translation: "I will now make up a story about a token gay friend. Ewww!"

Palin: "And I love her dearly."

Translation: "And Jesus hates her dearly."

Palin: "And she is not my "gay friend."

Translation: "Now Katie, what is that PC term that folks use to describe female homosexuals? I know I shouldn't use the expression "bull dyke" but it's the only thing I can think of."

Palin: "She is one of my best friends who happens to have made a choice that isn’t a choice that I have made."

Translation: Despite all scientific evidence to the contrary, I believe she chose to be gay. I also believe in talking snakes and that men and dinosaurs roamed the Earth together 6,000 years ago. Now mybe if she were cuter and thinner, she would attract a man that would cure her of her 'choice.' Oh well, I'll pray for her."

Palin: "But I am not gonna judge people."

Translation: "But Jesus will. Prepare to burn in Hell, lesbo."

I also love the part where she says "I don't know what prayers are going to be answered and not answered." Whew, that's a huge relief. Because otherwise you would be some sort of God-like entity, which scares me almost as much as you being president does.

I honestly do not believe a single word that this woman just said. Seriously, I thought "thou shall not lie" was one of the Ten Commandments. Perhaps the Wasilla Bible Church changed that commandment to "thou shall not have butt sex with another man."

Anyway ... the whole "gay choice/screw what science says" approach she employs is so Medieval and outdated. Does she seriously believe that? In his comedy CD "Shut Up You Fucking Baby," David Cross has a great bit where he dispels the scenario where someone would choose to be gay (and later discusses the stereotypical, effeminate "gay" voice. Warning: NSFW language):

McCain Solves Health Care!!

Here's an awesome video of McCain espousing his healthcare solution: turn Wal-Mart into an emergency room. I'm fucking serious .... that's really his suggestion, I am not making this shit up.

Whew, I'm really glad we got the health care crisis all figured out. Perhaps McCain will also suggest that Target become a bank or that Red Lobster start issuing commercial paper. When is that going to happen?

Reason # 461 Why John McCain Is A Total Train Wreck

Despite McCain's own proclamation that he is "not an expert on Wall Street” and “not an expert of some of this stuff” [ Ed. note: what "stuff" is he talking about? Finance? Counting money? Come to think of it, when was the last time Johnny actually checked his bank balance or paid a bill? Insane. ], McCain inserted himself into the Wall Street bailout negotiations (a/k/a "Project Lipstick On The Financial Pig"). Despite having little familiarity with the issues and a shallow understanding of financial markets, McCain was able to broker a deal which brought peace and prosperity throughout the land.

Oh wait, strike that last comment. Instead he sided with House Republicans who opposed the bipartisan efforts to solve the financial crisis by instead offering their own plan involving tax cuts and further deregulation. Brilliant.

Seriously, our economy - which is already in dire straits - is going to be seriously fucked if this guy is elected president. Honestly, this is shaping up to be the most important election of my life time. Dear little 8 lb. 6 oz. little baby Jesus ... please, oh please, do not let this dude win.

"Alask's Proximity to Russia Certainly Does Give Me Foreign Policy Experience"

This video is jawdropping. Katie Couric gave Palin an opportunity to defend her widely ridiculed prior claims that Alaska’s proximity to Russia and Canada provides her with some sort of foreign policy experience. My favorite parts:

- "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries — they’re in the state that I am the executive of." Jesus, she talks like a 15-year old.

- She claims that Putin flies over Alaska which, I guess, suddenly makes her Henry Kissinger. Who knew?

God, please let this nightmare end. I promise to be good (I'll even stop stalking Scarlett Johansson). Just, please make this all go away.

Ash-tastic Wednesday

So today starts the first day of Lent. By now you know I'm not overly religious (unless by "overly religious," you mean "crazy atheistic"). But I did go to Catholic school for four years and am aware that there are 40 days of Lent follow Fat Tuesday. Now I've heard stories of what my devout (and not so devout) Catholic friends have given up for Lent - alcohol, sugar, etc.

And while I'm not overly Catholic (see above definition), I am pretty strong-willed and believe I could give up almost anything for 40 days. However, my inspiration for such would be in the form of a wager -- not some sort of divine penance.

Alcohol? Television? Junk food? Not a problem.

But despite my braggadocio, there are definitely a few things that I wouldn't be able to give up for 40 days:

1) Caffeine. I've tried it a couple of times and the closest I've been able to get is to give up coffee but not sodas (or vice versa). The first time I tried it I was moving in slow motion, like I was swimming in a sea of honey, and my head felt like it was full of wool. I would sooner give up breathing for 40 days than give up caffeine cold turkey.

2) YouTube. I'm not going to lie, my work productivity would probably be markedly improved if I had no access to YouTube. But then I would have less filler for this blog and I wouldn't be able to post great finds such as this:



3) Meat and Dairy. So I was working out at my insane gym the other night when I spotted a guy with a long ponytail wearing a white t-shirt with a hand-drawn message "Eat Vegan: Ask Me Why?." He was also sporting a "Meat is Murder" button which I found ironic since he was wearing leather shoes. Putting aside his tool-like hypocrisy, I asked myself the question "Could I give up all meat and dairy for thirty days?" and the answer was a resounding "no fucking way." Seriously, 96% of my diet probably falls within the broad category of meat and dairy. What's let? Legumes and tofu? Hmmm, I wonder what the best way is to prepare barley?

4) Britney Spears. Look, it's not like I want to learn anything more about America's favorite celebrity trainwreck, it's simply that you can't surf the Internet without seeing reading about her. Seriously, I dare folks to try. So unless I'm going to give up the Internet for 40 days, this one is simply unavoidable.

Let me know what's on your "oh hell no" list.

Rainy Day, Go Away ....

So Norther California is on day 110 of the rain watch. I write this fearing the day that the rain-soaked hills will give way and land a 100 foot redwood tree on top of my house. Or maybe, if I'm truly unlucky, my entire house will gently slide away down my street. I expect to wake up each morning and find myself living underwater, kind of like Atlantis or Water World (minus Kevin Costner's horrible acting).

Things are looking up on the job front. I had my review today which went well, although I'm sure it was aided by my boss' bipolar medicine. The reason I say that is that he was perfectly pleasant and made more creepy, insane statements. My favorite quotes from today "we both come from a caring and compassionate place" and "let me share something I learned from you."

This dude is Britney Spears delusional. I honestly don't know if he believes this shit or not, but I think he really does. Whatever, just keep popping the happy pills, my man, until I land that next big job. Meeting next week with another company, so keep your fingers crossed.

Why I Need a New Job

In the ongoing series I like to call "Why I Need a New Job' (a/k/a "Why I Need to Get a Restraining Order Against My Insane Boss") I submit to you this actual quote from the other day:

"I think of you often on the weekends, more often than I should. I'm just worried I'm going to get the call some day that you were injured playing rugby and you're in a body cast."

Sweet lord in heaven, what person (other than a spouse or parent) would actually utter those words to another person? Not surprisingly, I was totally stopped dead in my tracks and caught without a witty response. I think I muttered something to the effect of "Uhh, thanks for the concern. I'm okay." But inside my head, I'm more like the Ving Rames character from "Pulp Fiction" -- I am pretty fucking far from okay.

Ahh, let the nightmare continue ....

(And yes Virginia, there is an ongoing job search)

Richard Simmons Is Balls Out Crazy

We get it ... you're zany and like to wear really short shorts in public (and probably at home as I come to think about it). But for the love of god, stop flashing your underwear in public. No one wants to see photos of you trying to teabag a tree. Just stop it already.

No Blog For Old Men

The New York Daily News is reporting that Will Smith is now officially insane and has been actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

The article states:

"Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that Scientology can fix right up for you.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

I'll put aside for a moment what a cheap fucker Will Smith is for giving out free personality testing sessions. It's like giving out AOL CDs as a gift. But I'm more amused by the concept that Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism have 98% in common with Scientology. Okay, people shouln't steal, kill or lie ... love your fellow man ... Okay, that's all pretty basic. But it's that 2% of Scientology craziness about spaceships and galactic souls that doesn't quite jibe with traditional religions.

Now it had been a while since David James' last bible study, so I whipped out the good book and tried to find the "OT level III book" of the Old Testament. Lo and behold, there is is in the book of Xenu, just as plain as day:

Xenu 1:1. "And 75 million years ago, God introduced Zenu as alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. And the Lord said 'Xenu bring billions of people to Earth in spacecrafts, stack them around volcanoes and blow them up with hydrogen bombs.' And Xenu did as the Lord requested and their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living as they continue to do this day. And the prophet L. Ron Hubbard shall call these clustered spirits "Body Thetans" and the Lord instructed his advanced-level Scientologist believers to place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

And then the Lord rested on the seventh day (i.e., the "Xenu Sabbath"), because he was tired of listening to this bullshit.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

I'm back from STL, having survived one of the more difficult trips to be on. Quick highlights - sitting right behind my boss on a broken down bus with exposed wiring and spewing diesel into the seating compartment .... a 14 hour work da ..., uhh, retreat day on Monday ... inedible food ... fun team building events such as a scavenger hunt, where the prize was a granola bar and a Snickers (seriously). God, I don't ever want to go back.

I'm back home but am now dealing with my boss leaving my insane voicemail messages which merely consist of a series of names:

Boss: "David, [insert his first and last name]."

That's it, he says my first name and then his full name (like my skin doesn't automatically crawl when I hear his voice). No greeting, no subject matter, no "please call me back." Just "David, [first and last name]." Fucking annoying.

Trick-or-Treat

What do you get when you combine a favorite holiday, a much-loved pet and horrible judgment? Halloween costumes for dogs.

The Bridal Dog. Isn't s/he lovely? Good luck throwing the bouquet when it's sewn to your artificial limbs.


Scooby-Doo. I don't understand why you want to dress your dog up as another dog. Someone help me with this.



Herro Kitty. If there's anything worse than dressing up your dog as another dog ... it's dressing it up as a cat.



Pippy Longstockings(?). I don't even know what this is supposed to be. But I do know that if this dog had any idea how ridiculous it looks, it would kill and eat its owner.



Raggedy Ann. I wasn't even sure what this costume was supposed to be at first. Is "Red-Headed Amish Woman" a Halloween costume?



Dorothy. Toto is now Dorothy. Oh the irony of the role reversal. This dog's sad look reminds me of the look I will soon have on my face when I have to go back to St. Louis for the second time in three weeks. Ugh.



The Rest of the Wizard of Oz Characters. Ahhh, that lucky dog doesn't just have one costume -- it has 4 Wizard of Oz inspired outfits. If I were the dog, I would change the words of "If I Only Had a Brain" to "If I Only Had a Clear Shot At My Owner's Jugular."



Kenny From South Park. Could this dog look any more depressed? This one is definitely high up on the Britney Spears suicide watch.



Tiki Dog. Two things immediately struck me about this costume. First, I guarantee you that its owner is a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Second, Hawaiian shirts look no better on ugly dogs. I would rather wear a t-shirt that says "I like to lick myself" than this gawdawful shirt.

Helps A-Comin' for GW!

Awesome title and corresponding photo. Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

"Officer, Let Me Explain What I Was Doing With That Duct Tape and Shovel ...."

I am not what you would call a huge fan of the state of Missouri for a number of reasons, many of which are work related and well documented in this blog (Editor’s note: I’ve deleted substantially all of my work-related rants for fear that my employer would discover them. Yes, my new boss makes me paranoid.)

But then I read a fun story like this and I realize "you know, there’s plenty to dislike about the state and its residents without having to rely upon my employer."

Timothy Pentaleri, of Belleville, Missouri, was charged with attempted kidnapping and two counts of attempted harassment/stalking, according to court documents. He allegedly laid out his plan to kidnap a former girlfriend in Minneapolis in a notebook, which included a flow chart, outlining his goal to stun, Mace and "club her hard," according to court documents.

Pentaleri -- an Army officer and, apparently, a total psycho -- showed up at the airport wearing a long-haired wig, a fake mustache and beard when he was stopped and questioned near an airport carousel, according to police. Authorities said he was found carrying a stun gun, three chemical aerosol Mace cans, a folding pocket knife, a set of SUV keys and an expandable baton. Was he arrested? Nope, he was simply issued a trespass notice and dropped off at an area hotel.

Now in most areas, this would be cause for arrest. Jesus, I get strip-searched at the goddamned airport if I carry on more than 3 ounces of liquids. But somehow this nutbag brings a stun gun, mace, pocket knife, and expandable baton to an aiport and gets off with a simple warning. What the fuck? But I have to keep reminding myself that this is Missouri and apparently this kind of thing is commonplace.

The story doesn't stop there though.

Police then reviewed footage from the camera monitoring system in the airport parking ramps and saw Pentaleri walking from the short-term ramp. They located his red GMC SUV parked there. Through the vehicle's window, police could see a duffel bag, a roll of duct tape, a shovel, rope and flex cuffs.

Pretty ordinary fare if you ask me. Honestly, who doesn't have flex cuffs and a shovel in their SUV?

Realizing that this guy might not be your typical Missouri gun nut, police then obtained a warrant to search the inside of the dude's SUV parked at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and found a notebook with a checklist of items inside the vehicle.

Do you think it ever occurred to them that they might have made a mistake in letting him go? Probably not. But wait, the story gets *even* better.

For some reason, the dumbass returned to his vehicle at which point the police stopped him. The searched his duffel bag to find the following items (and I quote "six condoms, a pillow case cut into strips, a camera, a turkey baster, KY oil, a bag of plastic gloves, two bags of zip ties, a package of Bic lighters, two-sided tape, shoe polish, a pair of nylon socks and Clorox disinfectant wipes."

I swear to god, I am not making this shit up. I honestly could not have made up a funnier list of items if I had tried. Two-sided tape and disinfectant wipes? Brilliant. On some level, you really have to admire this guy, either for his attention to detail ("Let's see here .... pillow case pre-cut into strips? Check...") and unbridled optimism (six condoms!). Does this dude know how to party or what? Seriously, this guy is some sort of cross between MacGyver and the A-Team. He doesn't need incarceration -- he needs his own TV show. This guy would blow "Dog The Bounty Hunter" (oh don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) out of the water. All he has to do is grow out his mullet and I swear I'm ordering the pay-per-view package right now.

Separated at Birth - Courtney Love

Here we have a recent photo of the 100% sane / sober / natural Courtney Love:


... and a Kabuki mask.


Seriously, what the hell is going on with Courtney Love's face? I know she's had a lot of work done, but I almost didn't even recognize her. She looks like the Joker, except more cartoon-like. Unfortunately, her disguise was spoiled by her trademarked trout mouth, lion's mane hairstyle, and usual coked-out expression.

And what the fuck is she wearing? By all appearances, she spent a good deal of time selecting her all-white snow queen ensemble, complete with matching leather snow gloves. But jesus christ, couldn't you take a couple of minutes to throw on a bra? Where you in that big a rush to be pose for the paparazzi? Evidently she can't button up your blouse while wearing those crazy snow mittens. Oh wait, on closer inspection it appears that there are no buttons -- it's meant to be worn just like that. Ack!

Good god woman, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my celebrity train wreck list here pretty soon.

Hollywood, Thy Name is Insane

In the latest sign that Hollywood is entirely out of new ideas, it was announced that director Ridley Scott is preparing a feature-length version of the venerable board game "Monopoly".

The 69-year-old British film-maker -- whose films include such hits as "Alien," "Blade Runner," "Thelma & Louise," "Gladiator" and "Black Hawk Down" -- has been offered the pick of young actors to help turn the popular oard game into a "comedy thriller" (whatever the hell that means). Hasbro (which owns Parker Brothers, the manufacturer of Monopoly in the U.S.) wants the film to feature "sexy young people" in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games. To that end, the William Morris Agency has promised Hasbro that the cream of its stable of 2000 actors will help create a blockbuster movie, including Scarlett Johansson (hooray!) and Kirsten Dunst (ack!).

Okay, a couple of things here. First, the obvious question - why the fuck would anyone want to watch a movie about the Monopoly game? Still looking to follow in the big box office footsteps of "Clue?" What's next, Candyland? When can we expect "Dominoes - The Movie" or "Charades" on the big screen?

Putting aside the ludicrous premise and scraping for material for a moment, what the hell is Ridley Scott doing directing something so inane as this? Honestly, Riddles, are you that hard up for money? Has your Director's Guild 401(k) really performed that poorly? Have some pride, man. At least wait for the movie remake of "The Love Boat" or "BJ and the Bear."

And lastly, who are these people who keep trying to perpetrate the lie that Kirsten Dunst is sexy? I honestly wouldn't even consider her mildly attractive. But sexy? No way, unless by "sexy" you really mean "snaggle tooth wraith." Now if she agreed to play the "shoe token" then her casting would make a lot more sense. But still, even if Scarlett Johansson agreed to run around nude for the entire movie, there's no way to counterbalance the fug which is Kirsten Dunst. The only way to make this work would be to replace the Monopoly board and hotels with "steel cage" and "bears," respectively. Only then could I honestly say that I would be happy to watch a Kirsten Dunst movie. Otherwise, I would sooner watch a video of my own colonoscopy than this crap.

Hello Crazytown

I know it goes without saying, but Ann Coulter is bat-shit crazy. Check out this recent article she wrote about the Jerry Falwell. I can't bring myself to post a picture of her, but her sage words should be sufficient:


"Jerry Falwell -- Say Hello to Ronald Reagan!"
by Ann Coulter

No man in the last century better illustrated Jesus' warning that "All men will hate you because of me" than the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who left this world on Tuesday. Separately, no man better illustrates my warning that it doesn't pay to be nice to liberals.

Falwell was a perfected Christian. He exuded Christian love for all men, hating sin while loving sinners. This is as opposed to liberals, who just love sinners. Like Christ ministering to prostitutes, Falwell regularly left the safe confines of his church to show up in such benighted venues as CNN.

He was such a good Christian that back when we used to be on TV together during Clinton's impeachment, I sometimes wanted to say to him, "Step aside, reverend -- let the mean girl handle this one." (Why, that guy probably prayed for Clinton!)

For putting Christ above everything -- even the opportunity to make a humiliating joke about Clinton -- Falwell is known as "controversial." Nothing is ever as "controversial" as yammering about Scripture as if, you know, it's the word of God or something.

From the news coverage of Falwell's death, I began to suspect his first name was "Whether You Agree With Him or Not."

Even Falwell's fans, such as evangelist Billy Graham and former President Bush, kept throwing in the "We didn't always agree" disclaimer. Did Betty Friedan or Molly Ivins get this many "I didn't always agree with" qualifiers on their deaths? And when I die, if you didn't always agree with me, would you mind keeping it to yourself?

Let me be the first to say: I ALWAYS agreed with the Rev. Falwell.

Actually, there was one small item I think Falwell got wrong regarding his statement after 9/11 that "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians -- who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle -- the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

First of all, I disagreed with that statement because Falwell neglected to specifically include Teddy Kennedy and "the Reverend" Barry Lynn.

Second, Falwell later stressed that he blamed the terrorists most of all, but I think that clarification was unnecessary. The necessary clarification was to note that God was at least protecting America enough not to allow the terrorists to strike when a Democrat was in the White House.

(If you still think it isn't Christ whom liberals hate, remember: They hate Falwell even more than they hate me.)

I note that in Falwell's list of Americans he blamed for ejecting God from public life, only the gays got a qualifier. Falwell referred to gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle.

No Christian minister is going to preach that homosexuality is godly behavior, but Falwell didn't add any limiting qualifications to his condemnation of feminists, the ACLU or People for the American Way.

There have always been gay people -- even in the prelapsarian '50s that Jerry Falwell and I would like to return to, when God protected America from everything but ourselves.

What Falwell was referring to are the gay activists -- the ones who spit the Eucharist on the floor at St. Patrick's Cathedral, blamed Reagan for AIDS, and keep trying to teach small schoolchildren about "fisting."

Also the ones who promote the gay lifestyle in a children's cartoon.

Beginning in early 1998, the news was bristling with stories about a children's cartoon PBS was importing from Britain that featured a gay cartoon character, Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie with a male voice and a red handbag.

People magazine gleefully reported that Teletubbies was "aimed at Telebabies as young as one year. But teenage club kids love the products' kitsch value, and gay men have made the purse-toting Tinky Winky a camp icon."

In the Nexis archives for 1998 alone, there are dozens and dozens of mentions of Tinky Winky being gay -- in periodicals such as Newsweek, The Toronto Star, The Washington Post (twice!), The New York Times and Time magazine (also twice).

In its Jan. 8, 1999, issue, USA Today accused The Washington Post of "outing" Tinky Winky, with a "recent Washington Post In/Out list putting T.W. opposite Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche, essentially 'outing' the kids' show character."

Michael Musto of The Village Voice boasted that Tinky Winky was "out and proud," noting that it was "a great message to kids -- not only that it's OK to be gay, but the importance of being well accessorized."

All this appeared before Falwell made his first mention of Tinky Winky.

After one year of the mainstream media laughing at having put one over on stupid bourgeois Americans by promoting a gay cartoon character in a TV show for children, when Falwell criticized the cartoon in February 1999, that same mainstream media howled with derision that Falwell thought a cartoon character could be gay.

Teletubbies producers immediately denounced the suggestion that Tinky Winky was gay -- though they admitted that he was once briefly engaged to Liza Minnelli. That's what you get, reverend, for believing what you read in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Time magazine and Newsweek. Of course, Falwell also thought the show "Queer as Folk" was gay, so obviously the man had no credibility.

Despite venomous attacks and overwhelming pressure to adopt the fashionable beliefs of cafe society, Falwell never wavered an inch in acknowledging Jesus before men. Luckily, Jesus' full sentence, quoted at the beginning of this column is: "All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

Celebrity Subcaption of the Day

"David Gest, can you show me where babies come from? Well done!"

"Liquor? I barely know her..."

Relax boys and girls ... I am still alive and well. I survived the big birthday weekend in NY and had a great time. DerekB has some photos and a more detailed write up will likely follow here, but here are a few things I recently learned on my trip:

* Despite what one may think at the time, there really is no urgent reason to get pizza at 2:30 in the morning. It was good, but entirely unnecessary. Overall, I estimate that I consumed enough food to feed a small family for one month.

* While they make a pretty good motorcycle, "Harley Davidson Beef Jerky" really doesn't live up to the same standard. While the toughened, leathery consistency lived up to the "Jerky" standard, I cannot be certain that it was actually made of beef. Unless they define "beef" broadly to include roadkill.

* People are insane. I saw a man in SFO changing his clothes in the middle of the bathroom next the sinks. He was wearing only underwear -- he was standing on the floor without any shoes or socks on. Disgusting. While I'm not a fan of the able bodied using the handicapped stall, I think everyone would agree to grant this guy an exception.

I will work on a more detailed write up of the trip, which will include a summary of our visit to a drag queen cabaret bar in NY where a dancer told me "you have nice blow job lips." (I still don't have a witty comeback to that one)

Hope everyone is doing well.

Vegas Baby, Vegas!!

As a follow up to a recent post, it was recently announced that Michael Jackson was reviewing plans for a 50 foot robot made in his own image which would be built in the event that he launches a show in Las Vegas.

"It would be in the desert sands," said Mike Luckman of Luckman Van Pier, consultants to large entertainment companies. "Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying would see. Neon is wonderful, but it's old school." Luckman's partner designed the robot. He has also sketched out a stage set of a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience. Said Luckman, "Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them."

By the looks of MJ's reddened left hand, he evidently liked the sketches and video game concepts a *lot*. Evidently the robot sketches include 25 foot naked boys which are flanked by MJ's side. God only knows where the laser beams are supposed to shoot out of. Either that or the interactive video game includes Macaulay Culkin, a shower, and a fifth of Jesus Juice.