Punisher? I Barely Know Her!

As further evidence that California courts are not soft on celebrity crime, it was recently announced that actor Thomas Jane plead no contest to drunk driving and speeding after he was caught driving at 120 mph on a California highway. Police stopped the actor twice on Interstate 5 last March for speeding. After a third stop, he was finally arrested for driving while drunk.

The star of acclaimed movies such as "Zack and Reba" and Jonni Nitro" had the book thrown at him as he was sentenced to: (1) one full year of probation (that's like 12 whole months of not fucking up), (2) $1,700 in fines (which is at least 0.000000003% of what he made for "Spider-man 3"), and (3) court-ordered alcohol abuse classes (seriously, do you remember what a drag school was?) Damn, California courts dropped the hammer on you, my man.

Oh, and two other alcohol and drug charges and two speeding tickets were dismissed. So not only are California courts harsh, they're also merciful at the same time. You go judge!

So remember this important lesson you celebrities: if you drive almost twice the legal speed limit while drunk and high, you will ultimately be arrested and made to pay a modest sum of money in order to get out of trouble. Imagine what would have happened to him if he had plead guilty instead of no contest? Seriously celebrities, don't even try to get away with that shit in California.

Lunch With the Spears Family

Those of you that know me, know that I can be somewhat risk averse. For example, I've never gone sky diving or bungee jumping. I'm also not a huge gambler. (As an aside, I've never even been to Las Vegas, which people in California think is entirely insane).

Nevertheless, I would have taken everything that I own -- my house, my Prius, and my savings -- and wagered it all on the fact that Cheetos was one of the major staples of Britney Spears' family diet. Now I wouldn't be so bold as to try to predict which Cheeto type they regularly eat.

"I wonder, do they prefer original Cheetos or are they fans of the Flaming Cheetos?" (which are, as an aside, fucking awful)."

But there was no absolutely no doubt in my mind that she and her children were regular consumers of Cheetos.

And, thanks to "OK" magazine (what a dumb name), my firmly held beliefs were proven true. This photo is fantastic. You have to love the fact that the bag of Cheetos is prominently placed at the center of the table, just like a Thanksgiving turkey. She probably believes that Sunkist "orange drink" is the same as "fruit juice." The only thing which is even mildly surprising is that one of her handlers didn't have the common sense to at least make an effort to hide them off to the side.

Next proposition bet: will the Spears kids collectively weigh over or under 500 lbs when they youngest one turns 18. I'm taking the over. And yes, I am an asshole.

Separated at Birth - Donatella Versace

.. and Janet from "The Muppet Show."

See if you can figure out which one is the Italian fashion designer and which one is the lead guitarist for the Electric Mayhem.



Hint #1: the heiress to the Versace throne is the surgically enhanced human that looks like a cartoon character. The other one is an actual cartoon character made of cloth. Whoops, guess that didn't help at all.

Hint #2: Try not to stare too long at the real Donatella or else you'll go blind. Seriously, it's like staring at the sun during a solar eclipse, but minus the piece of cardboard with the pinhole in it.

Ash-tastic Wednesday

So today starts the first day of Lent. By now you know I'm not overly religious (unless by "overly religious," you mean "crazy atheistic"). But I did go to Catholic school for four years and am aware that there are 40 days of Lent follow Fat Tuesday. Now I've heard stories of what my devout (and not so devout) Catholic friends have given up for Lent - alcohol, sugar, etc.

And while I'm not overly Catholic (see above definition), I am pretty strong-willed and believe I could give up almost anything for 40 days. However, my inspiration for such would be in the form of a wager -- not some sort of divine penance.

Alcohol? Television? Junk food? Not a problem.

But despite my braggadocio, there are definitely a few things that I wouldn't be able to give up for 40 days:

1) Caffeine. I've tried it a couple of times and the closest I've been able to get is to give up coffee but not sodas (or vice versa). The first time I tried it I was moving in slow motion, like I was swimming in a sea of honey, and my head felt like it was full of wool. I would sooner give up breathing for 40 days than give up caffeine cold turkey.

2) YouTube. I'm not going to lie, my work productivity would probably be markedly improved if I had no access to YouTube. But then I would have less filler for this blog and I wouldn't be able to post great finds such as this:



3) Meat and Dairy. So I was working out at my insane gym the other night when I spotted a guy with a long ponytail wearing a white t-shirt with a hand-drawn message "Eat Vegan: Ask Me Why?." He was also sporting a "Meat is Murder" button which I found ironic since he was wearing leather shoes. Putting aside his tool-like hypocrisy, I asked myself the question "Could I give up all meat and dairy for thirty days?" and the answer was a resounding "no fucking way." Seriously, 96% of my diet probably falls within the broad category of meat and dairy. What's let? Legumes and tofu? Hmmm, I wonder what the best way is to prepare barley?

4) Britney Spears. Look, it's not like I want to learn anything more about America's favorite celebrity trainwreck, it's simply that you can't surf the Internet without seeing reading about her. Seriously, I dare folks to try. So unless I'm going to give up the Internet for 40 days, this one is simply unavoidable.

Let me know what's on your "oh hell no" list.

So Real Quick ...

This just in, David James' Second Christmas was canceled when he received an email early Tuesday morning indicating that his boss' planned trip to Europe had been canceled. It's not quite as depressing at the Scarlett Johansson engagement rumors, but it's a nice kick in the crotch nonetheless.

Other bits and pieces from the Three Dot BlogTM ...

* I'm not sure I can add anything to what's already been written about the sad passing of Heath Ledger. However, I did notice that our friends at the Westboro Baptist Chruch (which is famous for protesting the funerals of AIDS victims and American military) has spoken out on his passing and it's as respectful and as sentimental as you would have thought:


I *really* wish there was a heaven and hell as these right-wing, WBC fuckwits believe, simply because then I could rest easy knowing that they would spend the rest of eternity with the likes of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Paris Hilton.

* Star magazine announced that Jamie Lynn spears will hand over her baby to her trainwreck mom Lynne to care for as soon as it is born so she can concentrate on her career. Lynne will then raise the child at the family’s home in rural Kentwood, Louisiana, away from Hollywood.

An insider told US magazine Star: "After several weeks of personal soul searching and talks and discussions with her mum Jamie Lynn reluctantly agreed that giving up the baby is the right thing to do. Lynne says Jamie doesn't understand the life long consequences of having a baby. She still wants her daughter to be able to be a teenager, go to parties, hang out with friends and have a career. So she’ll take the front seat of caring for the baby and take the pressure off her daughter."

So what's Lynne's first logical step as a soon-to-be parent? Start preparing the baby's nursery? Stock up on diapers and wipes? Start screening nannies?

Nope. According to the source, Lynne has agreed to have Jamie Lynn photographed with the baby as soon as it is born, sell the pictures and then take over raising her own grandchild.

How lovely. She has somehow figured out a way to financially exploit yet another member of the Spears family. You have to admire the parenting chutzpah. Well done Lynne Spears, well done. Enjoy your time in hell with those nice WBC folks.

Dude, Where's My Inheritance?

In the latest news of the fantastic, Hotel magnate Barron Hilton recently announced that he will be screwing over his whore grandchildren by leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. This will obviously cut the fortune his heirs would have otherwise received. Which means that granddaughter Paris Hilton, who once stood to inherit $100+ million by some accounts, could end up with a measly $5 million or so. Barron’s designated charity funds clean water in Africa, education for blind children and housing for the mentally ill.

There is no truth to the rumor that Paris Hilton was spotted on a plane to Africa donning blackface and sporting a seeing-eye Chihuahua in an effort to recoup some of her inheritance.

I know that I had vowed at one point never to post another story about that wonk-eyed, herpes-infested, waste of skin ... but it's really a fantastic story and gave me a nice excuse to post the infamous Paris Doll photo. So it's really a win-win from my perspective. The only thing that would have made this story better is if she were somehow mauled and eaten by an angry tiger. But this is still pretty good.

Separated at Birth - Nicole Kidman

Here we have Academy Award winner, Nicole Kidman:


.... and the Tin Man from the "Wizard of Oz":



What the fuck is up with her outfit? Where are Dorothy and Toto? Is this some sort of Scientology-inspired, brainwave-deflector suit? Granted, you have to credit Nicole with some brains for having the forethought to bring an umbrella and avoid rusting up. That being said, you have to seriously wonder what possessed her to channel Jack Haley in the first place. Are we sure this wasn't taken in October on her way to a Halloween party? Ugh, this is going to be a long week.

(Disclaimer - original picture and reference from thesuperficial.com)

Separated at Birth - Knot's of the Living Dead

This week's edition of "Celebrity Separated At Birth" brings us Joan Van Ark, from "Knot's Landing" fame.


... and a Stage 4 undead zombie.


Good lord woman, what the hell has happened to you?! I know she's in her mid-sixties, but she looks like absolute hell. Not that I'm any great shakes to look at, but at least I don't look like a shrunken applehead figure with a grey/brown-ish ring around my mouth. Ack.

As an aside, I originally Googled the terms "skeleton woman," "decaying corpse" and "oh my god, I'm blind!!" in order to get a closer match, but those images were a wee bit horrific. Plus "The Young and the Rotting" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Separated at Birth - Courtney Love

Here we have a recent photo of the 100% sane / sober / natural Courtney Love:


... and a Kabuki mask.


Seriously, what the hell is going on with Courtney Love's face? I know she's had a lot of work done, but I almost didn't even recognize her. She looks like the Joker, except more cartoon-like. Unfortunately, her disguise was spoiled by her trademarked trout mouth, lion's mane hairstyle, and usual coked-out expression.

And what the fuck is she wearing? By all appearances, she spent a good deal of time selecting her all-white snow queen ensemble, complete with matching leather snow gloves. But jesus christ, couldn't you take a couple of minutes to throw on a bra? Where you in that big a rush to be pose for the paparazzi? Evidently she can't button up your blouse while wearing those crazy snow mittens. Oh wait, on closer inspection it appears that there are no buttons -- it's meant to be worn just like that. Ack!

Good god woman, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my celebrity train wreck list here pretty soon.

Separated at Birth - Cameron Diaz

See if you can distinguish between the "sexy" Hollywood actress:



... and the scary Halloween jack-o-lantern:

Best. Picture. Ever.

The only thing which would make this picture better was if there was an angry Doberman in the back of the car with her. But I'm really just nitpicking here.

Separated at Birth - Nicole Richie

Today's "Separated at Birth" includes everyone's favorite coked-out, bulimic, celebrity train wreck Nicole Richie:



... and the lovable "Gizmo" from the movie "Gremlins":

Separated at Birth - Cate Blanchett

Cate:


.. and Ziggy Stardust:


Yes I am sticking with the lazy theme this week. Actual, original content should appear tomorrow.

Separated at Birth - Star Jones

Star Jones at this weekend's Kentucky Derby (she finished in 4th place -- well done Star!):


... and one of the bad dudes from "Big Trouble in Little China" (which is a movie classic).

Vegas Baby, Vegas!!

As a follow up to a recent post, it was recently announced that Michael Jackson was reviewing plans for a 50 foot robot made in his own image which would be built in the event that he launches a show in Las Vegas.

"It would be in the desert sands," said Mike Luckman of Luckman Van Pier, consultants to large entertainment companies. "Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying would see. Neon is wonderful, but it's old school." Luckman's partner designed the robot. He has also sketched out a stage set of a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience. Said Luckman, "Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them."

By the looks of MJ's reddened left hand, he evidently liked the sketches and video game concepts a *lot*. Evidently the robot sketches include 25 foot naked boys which are flanked by MJ's side. God only knows where the laser beams are supposed to shoot out of. Either that or the interactive video game includes Macaulay Culkin, a shower, and a fifth of Jesus Juice.

Saturday's a Rugby Day ...

... and Sunday's a recovery day ... which has now extended into Monday. We had our last game of the regular season on Saturday, which was a hard fought loss to the SF Fog. My legs and left eye looked like the belonged on a beaten detainee at a Gitmo prison camp. Oh well, thank god for Alleve. Playoffs (maybe) to follow next week. We shall see.

And no, I am not the dude in the red and white shirt. That would be the referee.

More frequent postings to follow, including Michael Jackson's plan to build a 50 foot robot of himself in Las Vegas. The Celebrity Train Wreck is warming up and ready to leave the station again ...

The Crazy Train Has Left the Building

Stop the presses. This just in. The Jackson 5 is lined up to play 250 concerts in Las Vegas over the three years starting next year, when Jackson will be 50. Further concerts around the U.S. and the world are planned.

What, that's not even the crazy part. Evidently there are also plans to build a Michael Jackson theme park, casino, hotel and stadium in the Las Vegas. There has been talk of a museum and a stadium for Michael - complete with Jackson memorabilia, videos, rare footage, casino, rides and concert halls.

Is it just me or is giving Michael Jackson and his brothers a reported $300+ million financially unsound? And by "financially unsound," I mean bat-shit crazy. What in the fuck are these people thinking? Do the financial investors honestly think that a theme park which sells Jesus Juice and has rides such as "The Matterhorny" is a prudent investment? They would be better off burning the money or asking

God, where have I heard this crazy idea before? Oh wait, right here.

Also check out recent photos of the quintet. I think you'll find the family resemblance among Tito, Marlon, Jackie, Michael and Jermaine Jackson is uncanny.

Separated at Birth - Stayin' Alive

I can't imagine what would possess someone with money to get a rug like this. Awful. I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.

Celebrity Trainwreck (Cont.)

After watching this video of a clearly-stoned, pregnant, clown-faced Anna Nicole Smith talking to a doll in a baby carriage as if it were real, I'm seriously going to have to rethink my "no dead celebrities on the Top 10 Celebrity Train Wreck List" rule. Even worse, I'm thinking that MJ might actually get bumped down to #3 after watching this video.

God, I can't even believe I'm typing this. Where are the unicorns?

My Celebrity Train Wreck List

I cannot believe I am about to do this. I swore on my children that I would never waver in my belief and allegiance. And yet, I can no longer continue to believe the way that I do.

For years, Michael Jackson has been a solid #1 on my list of celebrity train wrecks. There were so many contributing factors - his obsession with make believe and fantasy; his ever-changing grotesque appearance; his penchant for sharing his bed and bodily fluids with underage boys; his pet chimp Bubbles and Neverland Ranch; the criminal allegations; his bizarre parenting style; etc. Shit, the list goes on and on and on.

But for the first time ever, I think he may be displaced. I’m going to go out on a limb and state that we have a new reigning Champion of the Insane -- and her name is Britney Spears. You could point to a number of escalating high profile wrecks (the frequency and severity of which both seem to be increasing): her predictably awful marriage to Wigger-iffic Kevin Federline and subsequent separation; her generally bizarre behavior, including having her babymaker photographed repeatedly by the paparazzi; and her rapid transformation from sexy vixen to bloated, pasty redneck. And now, in the span of about 48 hours, she checked herself into rehab; exited said rehab the same day; shaved her head herself; and then got a tattoo while ranting “I don't want anyone touching me! I'm tired of everyone touching me!” Fantastic.

You don’t understand how serious and fundamental a shift this is for me. This is like me rooting for the Yankees in baseball or USC in football. To not rank Michael Jackson at #1 flies in the face of all reason. I’m terrified at which other of my long standing beliefs would change next. Will I suddenly find Scarlett Johansson hideous and Paris Hilton hygienic and admirable? I shudder the thought.

With that preface, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the new “Top 10 Celebrity Train Wreck List” TM:

1. Britney Spears
2. Michael Jackson
3. Lindsey Lohan
4. Courtney Love
5. Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown
6. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes
7. Nicole Ritchie
8. Mel Gibson
9. Tara Reid
10. Mariah Carey

Honorable mention (in alphabetical order): Paula Abdul, Danny Bonaduce, Pete Doherty, Nick Nolte, Charlie Sheen and Sharon Stone.

As an aside, I should note that Anna Nicole Smith would easily rank in the top 5 (perhaps the top 3) if she were alive. However, the Top 10 CTWL is reserved for living celebrities only, otherwise we would have to expand the list to include a whole bunch of other celebrities who died on their way to Crazy Town.

Feel free to comment, supplement or mock as you see fit.