Bill O'Reilly, Turd Extraordinaire

When Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy was revealed, Bill O’Reilly derided her parents.

“On the pinhead front, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. The sister of Britney says she is shocked. I bet. Now most teens are pinheads in some ways. But here the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her or even over Britney Spears. Look at the way she behaves,” O’Reilly declared.

Now O'Reilly is singing a slightly different tune now that it is Vice President-nominee Sarah Palin's teenage daughter that is knocked up:

"Now, the latest thing is that people like me don't condemn Palin's family but we condemn other people who, uh, gave birth out of wedlock. I've never condemned anybody who gave birth out of wedlock. Ever in my life. I don't make those kinds of determinations. What I do say and, this nut Cynthia Tucker in the Atlanta Journal Constitution makes a deal out of this, I said that Britney Spears and what's her sister's name who's pregnant, their parents were irresponsible - Jamie Lee - because they were running around unsupervised."

Huh? He goes on to say:

"Yeah, I said that and I believe it. It has nothing to do with the Palin situation, okay? So, I mean, it just, it really, it makes me angry. I know what's going on. You know what's going on. Uh, and we're going to have to start making some people pay, you know, we're going to have to start to make some people pay because of the irresponsible attacks."

I love how he just turns it around with the "you know what's going on" comment. Nothing ceases me to amaze me anymore when it comes to these freaks, and it's only the beginning of September.

John McCain "I Hate the Bloggers"

“Now we’ve got the cables. We’ve got talk radio. We’ve got the bloggers. I hate the bloggers. We’ve got all kinds of sources of information.”

The feeling is mutual, dickweed. Please just do us all a favor and simply croak. Much thanks.

Best Regards,
David James

Hey, This Blogging Thing Is Fun!

January 20, 2009. Only 200 more days left to go. I knew this guy was a moron long ago when asked during a televised Reublican debate as to which political philosopher or thinker he most identified with and why, Bush responded, "Christ, because he changed my heart." That's when I knew we would be in for some trouble. But good god, I'm not sure anyone could have predicted how awful the next 8 years would be.

Speaking of God and predictions (hey look -- a segue!), I have to revisit an earlier post where Pat Robertson boldly predicted that would be a recession in 2008. Bold prediction there, Pat. But to his prophetic credit, Robertson suggested that Americans would be paying much more for gas at the pump and that oil would reach $150 a barrel.

Don't get me wrong, I will be the first person to call bullshit on a dubious Pat Roberston claim. But here we are barely halfway through the calendar year and this prediction looks like a mortal lock. The price for a barrel of oil has hit $144 and the average gas price nationwide is around $4.10 per gallon. Nine months ago, gas prices in California were less than $3 per gallon. Now gas is $4.60 per gallon and it's more likely that I will sooner see unicorns running in the streets than the return of $3 gas.

You know, next time we concoct some made up reason to invade another country, perhaps we should choose one with an endless supply of oil. Like "Petrolia" or "Oilrabia." That would make more sense.

Arlen Specter, Thy Name is Asshole

When it comes to national affairs, there are important matters for Congress. Like getting the hell out of Iraq. Like balancing the budget and reducing our insane debt.

And then there are REALLY important matters for Congress.

Like maintaining the integrity of professional football.

This past Friday, Senator Arlen Specter called on the NFL to explain why it destroyed evidence from the New England Patriots about a cheating scandal involving the surreptitious taping of other teams.

Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk. "Their antitrust exemption has been on my mind for a long time," he said in a Capitol Hill news conference Friday.

And while the CIA's destruction of interrogation tapes is a far more alarming and important issue, Specter instead chooses to focus on the NFL issue. "I do believe that it is a matter of importance. It's not going to displace the stimulus package or the Iraq war, but I think the integrity of football is very important, and I think the National Football League has a special duty to the American people -- and further the Congress -- because they have an antitrust exemption."

Give Specter credit for being able to distinguish between the impending national recession and the Iraq war and a sport. Well done, Arlen, for being able to differentiate between night and day.

Specter went on to overreach the relevance of Congressional involvement by saying, "I don't think you have to have a law broken to have a legitimate interest by the Congress on the integrity of the game. … What if there was something on the tapes we might want to be subpoenaed, for example? You can't destroy it. That would be obstruction of justice."

As noted previously, Specter evidently has a huge hard-on for getting into the shorts of the NFL. Sure, I would rather them waste time focusing on professional sports than, say, wasting billions of dollars "securing our borders" from the illegal immigrants. But, fuck, let's get our priorities straight here. Of course, if Specter is deluded enough to co-author the controversial and implausible Warren Commission report ("Single bullet, fuck yeah!"), then he's liable to believe that unicorns are ticketing his car. Who knows.

Pat Robertson Still Can't Prophesize For Shit

Exactly one year ago today, I posted an entry which analyzed Pat Robertson's amazing prophetic abilities. To quickly summarize that post, Robertson got about a D- score for his ability (or, rather, his inabilty) to correctly predict major world events. Despite the fact that God is giving him the answers. How lame is that?

But in that post, I noted that Pat made some bold predictions for 2007. Perhaps it's time that we revisit his predictions and, if applicable, adjust his grade to more accurately and fully reflect his more recent predictions. Hell, if my Tax professor was willing to give me the opportunity to earn extra credit in order to receive a better grade (despite my total incompetence), then perhaps I should be big enough to similarly give Pat a second change (despite his total incompetence).

So let's just check out how he did in 2007.

Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. Pat (I love how I'm on a first name basis with this guy) also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by "very serious terrorist attacks" causing "possibly millions" of deaths.

Hold on, let me do a quick search of the past year's news for the terms "million+deaths+catastrophe+united+states+2007."

Results - zero. Hmm, it would appear at first blush that Robertson would receive an F- for this poor piece of forecasting. Ahh, not so quick -- Pat has an answer:

"All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us," Robertson said on The 700 Club. "So did I miss it? Possibly," he said of his unrealized prediction. [ Editor's note: he fucking absolutely he missed it.] "Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn't happen, so I think we can all rejoice."

Oh okay, let's make up a wild ass guess and, when you turn out to be a turd/liar/asshole, simply blame it on God and say "I might have fucked up, but only God knows. Thank goodness he didn't extinguish the nation en masse as he otherwise planned to do. You know, to show us how much he loves us."

God you're an asshole.

But despite his total lameness, I'm willing to cut Pat some slack and give hime one more year to redeem himself. And with that, here are his 2008 predictions:

First, Robertson predicts that there will be a recession in 2008. Second, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil. Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel - the price hit $100 on Wednesday - with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008. Lastly, he predicts that there will be a major stock market upheaval are on their way for the United States. "I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical scam artist.

Now we obviously won't know the accuracy of these predictions/wild ass guesses until next year, so we can't pass judgment yet. But let's at least examine the boldness and quality of these predictions. Because the "there will be a potentially nuclear terrorist attack that might kill millions of Americans" is a pretty ballsy prediction and pretty hard to top in 2008.

First, he said "there will be a recession in 2008." I'm going to have assign this the "well no shit" label. Some experts would argue we've already started it. Thanks again GW for the $33 trillion impact you've had on the debt. So I won't even count that worthless guess because it's fucking obvious. It's like predicting that Paris Hilton will be act like a dumb whore or that ice melts when its warm.

Second, he says that oil is going to hit $150 a barrel. You know, this isn't as crazy or bold a prediction as it may appear. A 50% increase in a single year is pretty hefty, but the combination of the weak dollar and rising oil prices might make this one attainable. All told, it's a semi-bold prediction, mostly because you can measure whether it will happen.

Lastly, he indicated that there would be a major stock market crash, perhaps in 2009 or 2010. Without more specifics, this is a pretty worthless prediction because: (a) we don't know what a "major crash" means (10% drop in a day? 20 correction over a period of a week? It's not like the financial markets were a dream in 2007); and (b) he doesn't specify which market would crash. He could be talking about the Latvia stock exchange, for all we know. But perhaps God doesn't give away what would be insider trading tips. God, I respect Robertson for not giving away God's stock tips.

But wait, there's more. My favorite non-prediction occurred on Wednesday when Robertson implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November. "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said.

Now this is just getting silly, Pat. This isn't a prediction -- it's "he said, God said" gossip which we have no way of corroborating. Jesus Christ, narrow it down a little bit (e.g., "The next president will be a woman / colored man / right-wing flaming freak like me."). Seriously, I want to give you the extra credit on this one but you got to work with me here, Pat. Can you at least say if the winner will be chosen before or after the major stock market crash? Also, can you provide an 1-2 year forecast on Google stock? I need to move some money around in my 401(k) and this little bit of information might be helpful. Thanks a bunch.

XOXOXO,
David James

Alberto Gonzalez - Lawyer of the Year

The votes are in boys and girls .... and the winner of the American Bar Association's 2007 "Attorney of the Year" is (wait for it, wait for it) .... Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. I shit you not, I'm not making this up.

Gonzales, who resigned in September after 2 1/2 years at the department amid investigations into whether he broke the law and lied to Congress, was given the reward which is given to the lawyers who made the most news.

Gonzalez's shitty tenure as Attorney General started to unravel following a public furor surfaced last January over the firings of nine U.S. attorneys, and whether they were politically motivated. His conflicting public statements about the ousters led Democrats and Republicans alike to question his honesty. In addition, a former top aide to Gonzales testified that he potentially illegally tampered with a witness in ongoing Congressional and DOJ investigations by stating that he tried to coach her answers about the firings.

And for this he received Lawyer of the Year.

Originally I figured he won because he was the only one running. But on closer inspection, there were other stellar nominees. They other high-profile lawyers that were nominated for the distinction included (1) Monica Goodling, the Justice Department's liaison to the White House who quit in April amid the political firestorm, and (2) Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the investigation into the leaked identity of former CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson. Given the low level of competition, I'm surprised that my bipolar, workaholic boss with an army of personal demons wasn't nominated as well. I guess there's always next year, though.

Cheney: Iraq is a "Quagmire"

Below is some seriously fucked up video footage of Dick Cheney explaining the difficulty in invading Iraq. In this interview from April 15th, 1994, Cheney reveals the reasons why invading Baghdad and toppling Saddam Hussein wouldn't be a great idea. He also stipulates that "not very many" American soldiers' lives were worth losing to take out Saddam during the Gulf War.

Here's a partial transcript of his interview:

"It's a quagmire if you go that far and tried to take on Iraq. The other thing is casualties. Everyone was impressed with the fact that we were able to do our job with as few casualties as we had. But for the 146 Americans killed in action and their families, it wasn't a cheap war. And the question for the President in terms of whether we went on to Baghdad and took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein was 'how many more dead Americans is Saddam worth?' and our judgment was 'not very many' and I think that we got it right."



It's hard to believe that a man as principled as Dick Chaney would have a fundamental change of heart just six short years later after GW was in office. So I guess by "not very many," Chaney misspoke and really meant to say "3,000 more casualties."

And I'm sure it's a total coincidence that the very next year, Cheney -- who had no prior business experience -- left the Department of Defense to become the CEO of Halliburton Co., one of the biggest oil-services companies in the world. Under Cheney's leadership, Halliburton moved up from 73rd to 18th on the Pentagon's list of top contractors. The company garnered $2.3 billion in U.S. government contracts in 1995, which almost doubled the $1.2 billion it earned from the government previously. According to the Center for Public Integrity, under Cheney's leadership the company also received $1.5 billion worth of assistance that year from government-sponsored agencies such as OPIC (Overseas Private Investment Corporation) and the Export-Import Bank, a huge increase compared to the $100 million that the company had received in federal loans and guarantees in the five years prior to Cheney's arrival. Years later, during a vice presidential debate with Joe Lieberman in the 2000 campaign, Cheney increduously asserted that "the government has absolutely nothing to do" with his financial success as chairman of Halliburton Co.

Cheney's integrity can also be seen as Halliburton honorably plead guilty to criminal charges that Halliburton *allegedly* violated a U.S. ban on exports to Libya by selling Col. Qaddafi six pulse neutron generators, devices that can be used to detonate nuclear weapons for which Halliburton paid a stiff $3.8 million penalty to settle the *alleged* violations. Hello, that's almost a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR penalty they had to pay. And you can bet that they learned their lesson and that that would be the last time that Halliburton ever tried to pull anything shady with the U.S. Federal Government ever again.

"Officer, Let Me Explain What I Was Doing With That Duct Tape and Shovel ...."

I am not what you would call a huge fan of the state of Missouri for a number of reasons, many of which are work related and well documented in this blog (Editor’s note: I’ve deleted substantially all of my work-related rants for fear that my employer would discover them. Yes, my new boss makes me paranoid.)

But then I read a fun story like this and I realize "you know, there’s plenty to dislike about the state and its residents without having to rely upon my employer."

Timothy Pentaleri, of Belleville, Missouri, was charged with attempted kidnapping and two counts of attempted harassment/stalking, according to court documents. He allegedly laid out his plan to kidnap a former girlfriend in Minneapolis in a notebook, which included a flow chart, outlining his goal to stun, Mace and "club her hard," according to court documents.

Pentaleri -- an Army officer and, apparently, a total psycho -- showed up at the airport wearing a long-haired wig, a fake mustache and beard when he was stopped and questioned near an airport carousel, according to police. Authorities said he was found carrying a stun gun, three chemical aerosol Mace cans, a folding pocket knife, a set of SUV keys and an expandable baton. Was he arrested? Nope, he was simply issued a trespass notice and dropped off at an area hotel.

Now in most areas, this would be cause for arrest. Jesus, I get strip-searched at the goddamned airport if I carry on more than 3 ounces of liquids. But somehow this nutbag brings a stun gun, mace, pocket knife, and expandable baton to an aiport and gets off with a simple warning. What the fuck? But I have to keep reminding myself that this is Missouri and apparently this kind of thing is commonplace.

The story doesn't stop there though.

Police then reviewed footage from the camera monitoring system in the airport parking ramps and saw Pentaleri walking from the short-term ramp. They located his red GMC SUV parked there. Through the vehicle's window, police could see a duffel bag, a roll of duct tape, a shovel, rope and flex cuffs.

Pretty ordinary fare if you ask me. Honestly, who doesn't have flex cuffs and a shovel in their SUV?

Realizing that this guy might not be your typical Missouri gun nut, police then obtained a warrant to search the inside of the dude's SUV parked at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport and found a notebook with a checklist of items inside the vehicle.

Do you think it ever occurred to them that they might have made a mistake in letting him go? Probably not. But wait, the story gets *even* better.

For some reason, the dumbass returned to his vehicle at which point the police stopped him. The searched his duffel bag to find the following items (and I quote "six condoms, a pillow case cut into strips, a camera, a turkey baster, KY oil, a bag of plastic gloves, two bags of zip ties, a package of Bic lighters, two-sided tape, shoe polish, a pair of nylon socks and Clorox disinfectant wipes."

I swear to god, I am not making this shit up. I honestly could not have made up a funnier list of items if I had tried. Two-sided tape and disinfectant wipes? Brilliant. On some level, you really have to admire this guy, either for his attention to detail ("Let's see here .... pillow case pre-cut into strips? Check...") and unbridled optimism (six condoms!). Does this dude know how to party or what? Seriously, this guy is some sort of cross between MacGyver and the A-Team. He doesn't need incarceration -- he needs his own TV show. This guy would blow "Dog The Bounty Hunter" (oh don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about) out of the water. All he has to do is grow out his mullet and I swear I'm ordering the pay-per-view package right now.

You're Doing a Helluva Job Scooter

As you most certainly have already heard, former White House aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison and fined $250,000 for perjury and obstruction of justice in connection with the CIA leak case. He also will serve two years probation following the prison term. Libby stood calmly as a federal judge said the evidence had overwhelmingly proven his guilt.

The judge said people in positions like the one Libby held -- chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney -- "have a special obligation to not do anything that might create a problem." (As an aside, that sentence sounds like an 8th grader wrote it. Is he a judge or what?)

The judge will decide next week whether to put the sentence on hold while the appeal plays out, or to send Libby to prison right away.

Meanwhile, President Bush said he feels "terrible" for Libby's family but does not intend to intervene now in his case.

No shit you're not going to intervene. What the fuck were you planning to do, W? Pardon him? Even you're not that godddamned stupid to suggest something so retarded as that. Were you going help out by drafting the appeal for Libby? God, I can only imagine you struggling to write one of those "court thingies." Or were you going to bust him out of jail like the goddamned A Team? Jesus christ but that dude is retarded.

Hello Crazytown

I know it goes without saying, but Ann Coulter is bat-shit crazy. Check out this recent article she wrote about the Jerry Falwell. I can't bring myself to post a picture of her, but her sage words should be sufficient:


"Jerry Falwell -- Say Hello to Ronald Reagan!"
by Ann Coulter

No man in the last century better illustrated Jesus' warning that "All men will hate you because of me" than the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who left this world on Tuesday. Separately, no man better illustrates my warning that it doesn't pay to be nice to liberals.

Falwell was a perfected Christian. He exuded Christian love for all men, hating sin while loving sinners. This is as opposed to liberals, who just love sinners. Like Christ ministering to prostitutes, Falwell regularly left the safe confines of his church to show up in such benighted venues as CNN.

He was such a good Christian that back when we used to be on TV together during Clinton's impeachment, I sometimes wanted to say to him, "Step aside, reverend -- let the mean girl handle this one." (Why, that guy probably prayed for Clinton!)

For putting Christ above everything -- even the opportunity to make a humiliating joke about Clinton -- Falwell is known as "controversial." Nothing is ever as "controversial" as yammering about Scripture as if, you know, it's the word of God or something.

From the news coverage of Falwell's death, I began to suspect his first name was "Whether You Agree With Him or Not."

Even Falwell's fans, such as evangelist Billy Graham and former President Bush, kept throwing in the "We didn't always agree" disclaimer. Did Betty Friedan or Molly Ivins get this many "I didn't always agree with" qualifiers on their deaths? And when I die, if you didn't always agree with me, would you mind keeping it to yourself?

Let me be the first to say: I ALWAYS agreed with the Rev. Falwell.

Actually, there was one small item I think Falwell got wrong regarding his statement after 9/11 that "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians -- who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle -- the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

First of all, I disagreed with that statement because Falwell neglected to specifically include Teddy Kennedy and "the Reverend" Barry Lynn.

Second, Falwell later stressed that he blamed the terrorists most of all, but I think that clarification was unnecessary. The necessary clarification was to note that God was at least protecting America enough not to allow the terrorists to strike when a Democrat was in the White House.

(If you still think it isn't Christ whom liberals hate, remember: They hate Falwell even more than they hate me.)

I note that in Falwell's list of Americans he blamed for ejecting God from public life, only the gays got a qualifier. Falwell referred to gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle.

No Christian minister is going to preach that homosexuality is godly behavior, but Falwell didn't add any limiting qualifications to his condemnation of feminists, the ACLU or People for the American Way.

There have always been gay people -- even in the prelapsarian '50s that Jerry Falwell and I would like to return to, when God protected America from everything but ourselves.

What Falwell was referring to are the gay activists -- the ones who spit the Eucharist on the floor at St. Patrick's Cathedral, blamed Reagan for AIDS, and keep trying to teach small schoolchildren about "fisting."

Also the ones who promote the gay lifestyle in a children's cartoon.

Beginning in early 1998, the news was bristling with stories about a children's cartoon PBS was importing from Britain that featured a gay cartoon character, Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie with a male voice and a red handbag.

People magazine gleefully reported that Teletubbies was "aimed at Telebabies as young as one year. But teenage club kids love the products' kitsch value, and gay men have made the purse-toting Tinky Winky a camp icon."

In the Nexis archives for 1998 alone, there are dozens and dozens of mentions of Tinky Winky being gay -- in periodicals such as Newsweek, The Toronto Star, The Washington Post (twice!), The New York Times and Time magazine (also twice).

In its Jan. 8, 1999, issue, USA Today accused The Washington Post of "outing" Tinky Winky, with a "recent Washington Post In/Out list putting T.W. opposite Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche, essentially 'outing' the kids' show character."

Michael Musto of The Village Voice boasted that Tinky Winky was "out and proud," noting that it was "a great message to kids -- not only that it's OK to be gay, but the importance of being well accessorized."

All this appeared before Falwell made his first mention of Tinky Winky.

After one year of the mainstream media laughing at having put one over on stupid bourgeois Americans by promoting a gay cartoon character in a TV show for children, when Falwell criticized the cartoon in February 1999, that same mainstream media howled with derision that Falwell thought a cartoon character could be gay.

Teletubbies producers immediately denounced the suggestion that Tinky Winky was gay -- though they admitted that he was once briefly engaged to Liza Minnelli. That's what you get, reverend, for believing what you read in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Time magazine and Newsweek. Of course, Falwell also thought the show "Queer as Folk" was gay, so obviously the man had no credibility.

Despite venomous attacks and overwhelming pressure to adopt the fashionable beliefs of cafe society, Falwell never wavered an inch in acknowledging Jesus before men. Luckily, Jesus' full sentence, quoted at the beginning of this column is: "All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."

Jerry Falwell Bites the Big One

Jerry Falwell, the well-known fundamentalist Baptist minister and founder of a "college" (Liberty University) went to meet his imaginary divine maker at the age 74. By the looks of this photo, I'm guessing it was health related.

Although not bat-shit crazy like Pat Robertson or Fred Phelps, Falwell did have a few great controversial quotes (source Wikipedia):

* After the September 11, 2001 attacks, Falwell said on the 700 Club "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

* As for homosexuality, Falwell remarked, "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals." Falwell's ghostwriter, Mel White, said Falwell remarked about gay protesters, "Thank God for these gay demonstrators. If I didn't have them, I'd have to invent them. They give me all the publicity I need."

* During the Civil Rights Movement Falwell was a supporter of racial segregation. He said alleged to have said this about MLK, "I do question the sincerity of people like the Reverend Martin Luther King."

* Falwell has also said "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

* Regarding public schools, "I hope to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we don't have public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

* Falwell often attributed political affiliation to the divine, claiming that God "is a Republican" and Jesus "was the First American."

His greatest contribution to Christianizing society came in February 1999, when an article in Falwell's "National Liberty Journal" suggested that that closeted Teletubbies character, Tinky Winky, was a hidden homosexual symbol. The article deduced this because the character was purple (which of course is symbolic color of homosexuality), had an inverted triangle on his head and carried a handbag.

Goodbye Jerry, we will miss your insightful and sensitive comments regarding politics, society and sexual orientation. We will surely miss you. And by "surely" I really mean "not."

Office Worker Gone Wild!

Here's what happens when you combine a small, shared office space with an asshole throwing paper clips. I'm beginning to appreciate my home office more and more each day.

I've been busy this week recovering from last week's trip and getting ready for this weekend's rugby tour in Missoula MT. Last year was a lot of fun, so I'm looking forward to this last tournament. We're headed out tomorrow to play the host team, followed by river rafting, more rugby and perhaps a bit of drinking. Should be a lot of fun. Oh, and then I go to Shit Louis for three days the following week. So I guarantee that there will be some fun travel stories to share when I get back.

The Prophesy of Pat Roberts

Our good buddy Pat Robertson is back to his forecasting ways.

On Tuesday, Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear (Ed. note: I'm certain he pronounced it "nuke-u-ler"). The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Holy shit, this guy talks to God so his track record has to be better than mine in my weekly "NFL Pick 'Em Pool." Hmmm, let's take a look at his ..., uhhh, I mean God's track record and let's assign a letter score to his prognostication ability.

* In January 2004, the broadcaster predicted that President Bush would easily win re-election.

Grade: C+. He was correct, Bush did win re-election and, unlike 2000, Bush actually won 51% of the vote, narrowly beating Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass). However, you would think that with God whispering in your ear, you could get a lot more specific than that. Predicting Bush would win re-election would have been like predicting that "tails will prevail" in a coin flip. Big deal.

* In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts. It's like predicting that a large star called "the sun" will magically rise in the East and set in the West -- each and every day of the year. Again, BFD.

Grade: C-. The Republican-led Senate did confirm Bush's 2005 nominations of right-wing fuckwits John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, but Bush's inane Social Security initiative stalled and eventually died. And again, it doesn't take fucking Kreskin to predict that a conservative freak president will nominate conservative freak judges to higher courts.

* In January 2006, Robertson suggested that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Grade: Incomplete/No Grade Assigned. This isn't even a prediction. So why did I include it? Simply to demonstrate what an asshole Pat Robertson is.

* In May 2006, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.

Grade: F. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Well no shit, asshole. Hitting less than 50% of your predictions does not smack of God-inspired prophesy. If Robertson could have predicted the precise day that we lost the 3,000th solider in the Iraq civil war, that would have been compelling. Fuck, even predicting a St. Louis Cardinals vs. Detroit Tiger World Series match-up during spring training would have been impressive enough.

Jesus Christ, Pat, please quit while you're ahead before you ruin your credibility and make a mockery of your God-inspired leg pressing claims, too.

Fuckwit Politician of the Day

Today's Fuckwit Politician of the Day (“FPotD”) is Colorado Republican Tom Tancredo, a freakishly conservative, anti-immigration politician, who recently warned that George Bush was a "dangerous internationalist" who was plotting to integrate the North American continent.

Tancredo, who conveniently forgets that his ancestors were once immigrants themselves, recently told WorldNetDaily, a controversial conservative website, “I know this is dramatic, or maybe somebody would say overly dramatic. But I’m telling you that everything I see leads me to believe that this whole idea of the North American union, it’s not something that’s just written about by right-wing fringe kooks,” said Tancredo, who himself is a right-wing fringe kook who is considering a run at the presidency. “It is something in the head of the president of the United States, the president of Mexico, I think the prime minister of Canada buys into it...”

Not surprisingly, Rolling Stone magazine recently labeled Tancredo as one of the 10 worst congressmen. The publication noted he wants to deport every undocumented worker in the United States, a proposal that would cost at least US$200 billion, and has called for halting all immigration, legal or otherwise.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tom “I hate brown people” Tancredo’s politics, here are a few highlights:

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they seek higher education!

* Tancredo criticized the Denver Public Library system for supporting Spanish-speaking families through reading materials and offering space for classes. I'm not sure why has an issue with Spanish speakers reading, but oh well.

* Tancredo founded the “Team America” political action committee in 2004 in order to collect contributions for immigration-restrictionist inclined congressional representatives and candidates. Sadly, Tancredo did not receive any credit for being the inspiration for the movie of the same name, ”Team America: World Police”.

* On September 11, 2006, Tancredo spoke to a gathering of the "Americans Have Had Enough Coalition", sponsored by the "The League of the South," which is a neo-Confederate organization that has been described as a racist hate group. According to reports, the room in which Tancredo spoke had a prominent picture of Robert E. Lee and was draped with Confederate battle flags. At the closing of the event, men dressed in full Confederate military regalia present stood up and began to sing "Dixie." Unfortunately, the League of the South couldn't locate an African American slave to lynch in order to make the setting perfect.

* On November 28, 2006, Tancredo was quoted in several news sources as referring to the city of Miami, Florida as a "Third World country." Jeb Bush called Tancredo's remarks "naive" in a letter to the congressman, who replied in a letter "I certainly understand and appreciate your need and desire to try and create the illusion of Miami as a multiethnic 'All American' city," he said. "However, it is neither naïve nor insulting to call attention to a real problem that cannot be easily dismissed through politically correct happy talk." Translation: “Suck it, Jeb.”

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they want to get an education?

* Tancredo stirred up controversy in 2005 when he mused on a Florida radio show that America could destroy Islamic holy sites like Mecca if there’s another terrorist attack on U.S. soil.

However, my favorite snippet about Tancredo pertained to the negative publicity he received when the Denver Post reported that two illegal immigrants were among the crew hired to remodel Tancredo’s basement. When asked about it, Tancredo defended himself by saying that he never asked about their immigration status. I guess he wasn’t tipped off by their brown skin and funny accents. But they were relegated to the basement, so how could you fault him?

Tom Tancredo: 2008. Your candidate for a whiter, easier to understand America.

Techical Difficulties

For some reason, this free website is giving me difficulties as I try to post some photos. I guess you get what you pay for. Oh well, so much for today's visual humor.

Today's "News of the Disgusting" is brought to you by my favorite 24 Hour Fitness gym. No, not the one in San Francisco that brought you the tofu hot dog story. Rather it's the one in Oakland that brought you this post as well as this rant. Just so everyone's clear on which freak show scene I'm talking about.

To set the scene, I go to wash my hands after using the restroom (as everyone should do, although not everyone follows this simple rule for some disgusting reason). Anyway, they don't have paper towels - ironically for sanitation reasons -- but instead have those adjustable hot air blowers that you dry your hands under. As I turn to go dry off my hands, I look over and see that some dude has turned the air blower upside down (i.e., aiming straight up) and is using it to dry off his package! He literally has his scrotum and wiener resting on the hot air blower as it's going full steam.

It reminded me of the old Mr. Bean videoclip:



My first thought was "what the fuck are you doing? Do you realize you are in public?" My next thought was one of utter revulsion. My last thought was "this poor guy could really use a Philips Bodygroomer if he needs a high-powered hand dryer to blow dry his pubic hair."

Fast forward five days later and I noticed that there was another guy with his head covered with a towel. He had his towel-covered head buried in the same upside-down hand dryer, attempting to dry his hair. At least it was on his head. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that one man's makeshift hair dryer is another man's testicle drying machine.

Video of the Year

Below is a great videoclip from the movie "Jesus Camp" of Pastor Ted Haggard preaching against homosexuality.



Self loathing, they name is Ted Haggard.

Colbert on Limbaugh

I was livid when the Michael J. Fox-Rush Limbaugh story first came out and couldn't find the proper words to convey my disguest (other than "fuck off and die, Rush Limbaugh"). But I think that Stephen Colbert captured it pretty well, though. Make sure to watch until the very end.



Halloween synopsis to follow later on ....

Best eBay Item Ever

Yes boys and girls, it's the Mark Foley action doll. The doll comes (no pun intended) with his pants around ankles, a liquor bottle in one hand, and Blackberry for messaging teenage pages in the other hand.

This might be even better than the Paris Hilton doll that the Hello Kitty manufacturer announced that it was producing.

Fantastic.

Annoying Person of the Day

And today’s candidates are as follows:

* The person at the coffee store that pushed me aside at the milk/sugar area (BTW, does this area have an official name? The “Additives Station”?) in order to grab two Splenda and one sugar packets …. and then got in line to order his coffee. Like they were going to completely run out of sweetening supplies in the three minutes it took for you to get your venti, half-caf, extra hot, non-fat, no foam latte. What a tool.

* The person wearing the “You Can’t Handle the Raiders” t-shirt. Uhhh, are we talking about the OAKLAND Raiders? Or is there some pee wee football team that you’re bragging about? For those that don’t follow football, the Oakland Raiders are the worst team in the NFL. The are the only team without a win and their prospects for winless season appear bright. Even the San Francisco 49ers beat them, and the Niners are awful. Honestly, if the Raiders win more than 3 games this year, I will paint my face silver and black and pose topless on this blog.

* The person that created jury duty. Yes, I understand our judicial system is predicated upon having a “jury of one’s peers,” but it’s still a pain in the ass. You basically can’t schedule anything for that day because you have no idea if or when you have to report. It’s like being stuck waiting for the cable guy to show up ”10 and 4” and you’re stuck waiting for fear that they will show up during the ten minute period during which you ran to Starbucks to get coffee and run into Asshole #1 today. I personally think it’s finally time that we introduce a professional jury system. You could stock it with law school dropouts, retired folks, and those individuals who have prurient interest in delving into the lives of other people. Meanwhile, important people like me can go to work and, uhhh, work. Wait, strike that idea. I’ll take my semi-vacation day instead.

I'm Not Just the President, I'm Also a Member

Rosemary: Is that a Member's Only jacket?
Mauricio: Yes.
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Jason Alexandar, "Shallow Hal"


I saw a man on the ferry this morning wearing a very similar jacket to this classic "Members Only" to this one.

And then upon closer inspection, it turned out that he was wearing an imitation Members Only jacket.

Holy shit. I didn't realize that it was an exclusive club. In my mind I imagined leaning over and saying "you know, it pays to be a member," and then I started to giggle.

Yes Viriginia, I am an asshole.