Hollywood, Thy Name is Insane

In the latest sign that Hollywood is entirely out of new ideas, it was announced that director Ridley Scott is preparing a feature-length version of the venerable board game "Monopoly".

The 69-year-old British film-maker -- whose films include such hits as "Alien," "Blade Runner," "Thelma & Louise," "Gladiator" and "Black Hawk Down" -- has been offered the pick of young actors to help turn the popular oard game into a "comedy thriller" (whatever the hell that means). Hasbro (which owns Parker Brothers, the manufacturer of Monopoly in the U.S.) wants the film to feature "sexy young people" in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games. To that end, the William Morris Agency has promised Hasbro that the cream of its stable of 2000 actors will help create a blockbuster movie, including Scarlett Johansson (hooray!) and Kirsten Dunst (ack!).

Okay, a couple of things here. First, the obvious question - why the fuck would anyone want to watch a movie about the Monopoly game? Still looking to follow in the big box office footsteps of "Clue?" What's next, Candyland? When can we expect "Dominoes - The Movie" or "Charades" on the big screen?

Putting aside the ludicrous premise and scraping for material for a moment, what the hell is Ridley Scott doing directing something so inane as this? Honestly, Riddles, are you that hard up for money? Has your Director's Guild 401(k) really performed that poorly? Have some pride, man. At least wait for the movie remake of "The Love Boat" or "BJ and the Bear."

And lastly, who are these people who keep trying to perpetrate the lie that Kirsten Dunst is sexy? I honestly wouldn't even consider her mildly attractive. But sexy? No way, unless by "sexy" you really mean "snaggle tooth wraith." Now if she agreed to play the "shoe token" then her casting would make a lot more sense. But still, even if Scarlett Johansson agreed to run around nude for the entire movie, there's no way to counterbalance the fug which is Kirsten Dunst. The only way to make this work would be to replace the Monopoly board and hotels with "steel cage" and "bears," respectively. Only then could I honestly say that I would be happy to watch a Kirsten Dunst movie. Otherwise, I would sooner watch a video of my own colonoscopy than this crap.