McCain Solves Health Care!!

Here's an awesome video of McCain espousing his healthcare solution: turn Wal-Mart into an emergency room. I'm fucking serious .... that's really his suggestion, I am not making this shit up.

Whew, I'm really glad we got the health care crisis all figured out. Perhaps McCain will also suggest that Target become a bank or that Red Lobster start issuing commercial paper. When is that going to happen?

Reason # 461 Why John McCain Is A Total Train Wreck

Despite McCain's own proclamation that he is "not an expert on Wall Street” and “not an expert of some of this stuff” [ Ed. note: what "stuff" is he talking about? Finance? Counting money? Come to think of it, when was the last time Johnny actually checked his bank balance or paid a bill? Insane. ], McCain inserted himself into the Wall Street bailout negotiations (a/k/a "Project Lipstick On The Financial Pig"). Despite having little familiarity with the issues and a shallow understanding of financial markets, McCain was able to broker a deal which brought peace and prosperity throughout the land.

Oh wait, strike that last comment. Instead he sided with House Republicans who opposed the bipartisan efforts to solve the financial crisis by instead offering their own plan involving tax cuts and further deregulation. Brilliant.

Seriously, our economy - which is already in dire straits - is going to be seriously fucked if this guy is elected president. Honestly, this is shaping up to be the most important election of my life time. Dear little 8 lb. 6 oz. little baby Jesus ... please, oh please, do not let this dude win.

"Alask's Proximity to Russia Certainly Does Give Me Foreign Policy Experience"

This video is jawdropping. Katie Couric gave Palin an opportunity to defend her widely ridiculed prior claims that Alaska’s proximity to Russia and Canada provides her with some sort of foreign policy experience. My favorite parts:

- "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries — they’re in the state that I am the executive of." Jesus, she talks like a 15-year old.

- She claims that Putin flies over Alaska which, I guess, suddenly makes her Henry Kissinger. Who knew?

God, please let this nightmare end. I promise to be good (I'll even stop stalking Scarlett Johansson). Just, please make this all go away.

Palin, McCain ... Then Pray For Rain

Over recent weeks, much has been made of the fact that Sarah Palin attended 5 colleges over 6 years. So below is a comparison of the educational backgrounds of what will be out next President and Vice President (thanks to VMD for the source):

Barack Obama:
Occidental College - Two years
Columbia University - B.A. political science with a specialization in international relations
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joe Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in history and B.A. in political science
Syracuse University College of Law - J.D.

vs.

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank 894 of 899

Sarah Palin (a/k/a Caribou Barbie):
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general studies
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in journalism

And just for shits and grins, here's the Libertarian ticket:

Bob Barr:
University of Southern California - B.A.
George Washington University - master's degree in international journalism
Georgetown University - J.D.

Wayne Allyn Root:
Columbia University - B.A. political science (I don't know who is either but found out that he was in the same class as Obama)

So it turns out that Palin only attended 4 different colleges -- not 5 --- over that fateful 6 year period of time. Obama, on the other hand, only went to Occidental for 2 years before he dropped out. And by my count, Obama and Biden went to as many schools (5 different schools) as did McCain and Palin. Magna Cum Laude vs. 894/899? This all really seems like a wash to me.

Punisher? I Barely Know Her!

As further evidence that California courts are not soft on celebrity crime, it was recently announced that actor Thomas Jane plead no contest to drunk driving and speeding after he was caught driving at 120 mph on a California highway. Police stopped the actor twice on Interstate 5 last March for speeding. After a third stop, he was finally arrested for driving while drunk.

The star of acclaimed movies such as "Zack and Reba" and Jonni Nitro" had the book thrown at him as he was sentenced to: (1) one full year of probation (that's like 12 whole months of not fucking up), (2) $1,700 in fines (which is at least 0.000000003% of what he made for "Spider-man 3"), and (3) court-ordered alcohol abuse classes (seriously, do you remember what a drag school was?) Damn, California courts dropped the hammer on you, my man.

Oh, and two other alcohol and drug charges and two speeding tickets were dismissed. So not only are California courts harsh, they're also merciful at the same time. You go judge!

So remember this important lesson you celebrities: if you drive almost twice the legal speed limit while drunk and high, you will ultimately be arrested and made to pay a modest sum of money in order to get out of trouble. Imagine what would have happened to him if he had plead guilty instead of no contest? Seriously celebrities, don't even try to get away with that shit in California.

Hey Jyri, Pass the Reindeer ...

It's been waaaaay too long since my last work-related travel woes blog. I used to write it mostly because I loathed Shit Louis and my utterly insane, bipolar boss. But I thought - "what the hell, I have a 16 travel day to Finland, there has to be something interesting to write about." Seriously, this blog has been shit recently so perhaps a return to a favorite subject matter (i.e., my mystery on a plane) will spark people's interest.

* My Sunday has been a total mess and I end up going straight to the gate and arriving about 5 minutes before my plane starts boarding. No time to grab food but I'm sure that there will be a hearty meal on the plane, right? Sigh ... I know that's unlikely but I can dream, can't I?

* The plane is packed and appears to be comprised mostly of young female exchange students and septuagenarians. Guess who I have the pleasure of sitting next to? That's right, a European Ernest Borgnine in drag.

* The stewardess is wearing a necklace that says "Jazzercise" on it. Really? Is that the current exercise fad in Europe? What, no "Tai Bo" bracelet? Now I would totally understand if she were 13 or mentally diminished or from the outskirts of the Ukraine. But she's American. I'm guessing she's from Houston instead. I'm also guessing she has 13 cats and was too embarrassed to wear wrist charm with the names of all 13 cats. I'm going to go out on a limb here guess that the list of names include Boots, Smokey, Tyrone, and Mr. Gibbs.

* One of the oldsters sitting in front of me keeps trying to reclined her chair so she can lie horizontally. Sorry Madge, but you'll need to spend a few grand more in order to get those fancy reclining seats in business class. So until then, please stop bouncing back and forth like a goddamned hobby horse.

* I totally forgot that I signed up for special lowest meals when I registered. Good news - I managed to avoid the nasty roast beef and manicotti dinners, Bad news - I got a dinner subsisting of 1 oz of chicken, some side of white beans, carrots and tomatoes, and a began cookie. Oh yeah, and a salad consisting of lettuce and a lemon. Seriously, I think I ate 200 calories for dinner.

* I am 6 hours in to my 10 hour flight and I can't sleep. Not good. I start watching some horrible movie starring Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick where she gets pregnant - I think it's called "A Womb With A View" - and it's horrible. I seriously ponder plucking my eyes out.

* The woman sitting next to me has sneezed not less than 20 times. Cue the airborne virus in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

* And the insomnia continues. I somehow manage to stay awake for my entire 10:00-ish hour flight and have arrived at the Frankfurt airport where it's 7:30 a.m. It feels like someone poured Tabasco salt in my eyes. I sleep for another hour or so on the second leg of my flight and make it to Helsinki in one piece. Despite getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel like total hell. The week should be a blur of work, travel and strange foods, but I will try to update this blog before I return next week.

Kiitos!

Bill O'Reilly, Turd Extraordinaire

When Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy was revealed, Bill O’Reilly derided her parents.

“On the pinhead front, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. The sister of Britney says she is shocked. I bet. Now most teens are pinheads in some ways. But here the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her or even over Britney Spears. Look at the way she behaves,” O’Reilly declared.

Now O'Reilly is singing a slightly different tune now that it is Vice President-nominee Sarah Palin's teenage daughter that is knocked up:

"Now, the latest thing is that people like me don't condemn Palin's family but we condemn other people who, uh, gave birth out of wedlock. I've never condemned anybody who gave birth out of wedlock. Ever in my life. I don't make those kinds of determinations. What I do say and, this nut Cynthia Tucker in the Atlanta Journal Constitution makes a deal out of this, I said that Britney Spears and what's her sister's name who's pregnant, their parents were irresponsible - Jamie Lee - because they were running around unsupervised."

Huh? He goes on to say:

"Yeah, I said that and I believe it. It has nothing to do with the Palin situation, okay? So, I mean, it just, it really, it makes me angry. I know what's going on. You know what's going on. Uh, and we're going to have to start making some people pay, you know, we're going to have to start to make some people pay because of the irresponsible attacks."

I love how he just turns it around with the "you know what's going on" comment. Nothing ceases me to amaze me anymore when it comes to these freaks, and it's only the beginning of September.

Uhhh, Hi Folks ...

I've been offline for a long time due to a number of reasons (ill parent, Disneyland vacation, work), none of which has to do with the fact that there isn't a *ton* of politic things to comment upon. I missed so much over the past 3 weeks that there's no way to really catch up.

Of course, the Sarah Palin announcement has dominated the headlines recently. Like most people, I have experience an array of emotions: shock, bemusement, disbelief, relief, glee. More than anything else, I am deeply offended that Republicans actually think (or think that we are stupid enough to believe) that she is a surrogate for Hillary Clinton in an effort to reach out to her disgruntled political base. Really? It reminds me when G.H.W. Bush nominated the Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace the late Thurgood Marshall. While they were quick to point out that the appointment preserved the existing racial composition of the court ("Hey, look, we got another colore..., uhh, African American judge"), they failed to point out that Thomas was undistinguished and thought to be unqualified for the job, and an ideological opposite of the legendary Marshall.

Palin is no Hillary. Not by a fucking longshot. The fact that Republicans are trying to proffer this political trainwreck as a replacement for Clinton is insulting. It's also a political "fuck you" to all the other qualified Republican politicians who are far more qualified than Palin.

I imagine that the Republican VP selection team process went a little something like this:

Staffer: "Okay, let's run through your potential running mates."
McCain: "I want a cookie."
Staffer: "We'll get you that right away, sir, but first the candidates."
McCain: "I was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton."
Staffer: "I am well aware, sir. Let's save that for the speech."
McCain:
Staffer (ignoring McCain): "Okay, candidate #1 is 4 term senator with substantial economic and foreign policy experience and who has a track recor ..."
McCain: "Next."
Staffer: "Alrighty, candidate #2 is a popular governor of a major swing state who has very high approval ratings and who..."
McCain: "Yawn."
Staffer: "Uhh, the third candidate is a former beauty queen but has limited .."
McCain: "Ding, ding, ding .... we have a winner!"

It's not McCain, it's you ....