Is it Election Time, Yet?

You may remember the infamous "Willie Horton" political ad which ran during the 1988 Bush-Dukakis presidential race. In 1974, Horton stabbed and killed a man in Massachusetts and was sentenced to life in prison without parole, and was released on some absurd weekend program that allowed inmates to leave. Instead of returning to prison, Horton raped a woman in Maryland in 1987 and was thrown back in jail. Bush used the case to portray Dukakis as being weak on crime. While African American leaders felt the ad linked crime, murder, and rape to being black, I think that the ad actually does a good job of linking those traits to being a Democrat.

Of course, you know the rest of the story. Bush won, which helped blaze a path for his son G.W. to win 2 consecutive elections on way to becoming "The Worst President Ever."TM

The ad sparked racial controversy at the time but in looking at it again, it doesn't look any worse than some of the recent political ads I've seen. Honestly, is the Willie Horton ad any worse than the recent ad ad about Harold Ford, Jr. (D-Tenn), who's made to look like a terrorist-loving, porn addicted, womanizer of white women? It's jaw droppingly bad:



"Dear 8 lb, 6 oz. Baby Jesus ... please don't allow the Democrats to fuck the midterm election up this year. Amen."

Or Perhaps Neon Green?

For those folks with a morbid curiosity, here's a photo of the "sling suit" that I posted last time, which was taken of a man of Eastern European descent and before the use of the Philips bodyshaper. So there you go. More content to follow ...

Does This Costume Make Me Look Fat?

Okay, I'm really torn between the red and blue Halloween costume. I'm thinking of going with the blue one because it's a bit more slimming. Plus I'll finally be able to use my Philips bodygroomer.

Happy Halloween

Today's "Creepy Video of the Day" is brought to you by the Girls' Costume Warehouse in Hackensack, NJ. I think this may be an actual commercial, but the profanity suggests that it's not. Oh well.

My favorites are sexy mustard and sexy Abe Lincoln.

"A Vote For My Opponent Is a Vote For Vietnamese Prostitutes"

Who would support a politician that would rather "spend money on sex than soldiers?"

Uhhh, I would.

Seriously, this is a pretty funny political ad. Even if you don't give a shit about politics, you have to listen until the very end of the clip when his opponent warbles "I'm Paul R. Nelson and I approve of this message." If that doesn't crack you up, then it's not me, it's you.

Gays in the Military

Hilarious clip from The Daily Show about the horrors of gays in the military. From the introduction ("Even though the military has opened their ranks to the old ... delinquent ... and borderline retarded, they had to draw the line somewhere") to the naked G.I. Joe doll, it's a good watch.

Stay the course, GW. We need a straighter military if we're ever to attain freedom for the world. Or whatever blather you spew these days.

Best eBay Item Ever

Yes boys and girls, it's the Mark Foley action doll. The doll comes (no pun intended) with his pants around ankles, a liquor bottle in one hand, and Blackberry for messaging teenage pages in the other hand.

This might be even better than the Paris Hilton doll that the Hello Kitty manufacturer announced that it was producing.

Fantastic.

Duhh, It's "Bodygrooming"

Thanks to some down time at work and the Internet, I learned yesterday that the official term is "bodygrooming" not "manscaping."



My bad. Thanks for the correction, Philips.

There's also a tribute video:

Annoying Person of the Day

And today’s candidates are as follows:

* The person at the coffee store that pushed me aside at the milk/sugar area (BTW, does this area have an official name? The “Additives Station”?) in order to grab two Splenda and one sugar packets …. and then got in line to order his coffee. Like they were going to completely run out of sweetening supplies in the three minutes it took for you to get your venti, half-caf, extra hot, non-fat, no foam latte. What a tool.

* The person wearing the “You Can’t Handle the Raiders” t-shirt. Uhhh, are we talking about the OAKLAND Raiders? Or is there some pee wee football team that you’re bragging about? For those that don’t follow football, the Oakland Raiders are the worst team in the NFL. The are the only team without a win and their prospects for winless season appear bright. Even the San Francisco 49ers beat them, and the Niners are awful. Honestly, if the Raiders win more than 3 games this year, I will paint my face silver and black and pose topless on this blog.

* The person that created jury duty. Yes, I understand our judicial system is predicated upon having a “jury of one’s peers,” but it’s still a pain in the ass. You basically can’t schedule anything for that day because you have no idea if or when you have to report. It’s like being stuck waiting for the cable guy to show up ”10 and 4” and you’re stuck waiting for fear that they will show up during the ten minute period during which you ran to Starbucks to get coffee and run into Asshole #1 today. I personally think it’s finally time that we introduce a professional jury system. You could stock it with law school dropouts, retired folks, and those individuals who have prurient interest in delving into the lives of other people. Meanwhile, important people like me can go to work and, uhhh, work. Wait, strike that idea. I’ll take my semi-vacation day instead.

Manscaping Follow Up

I really should have posted this photo with the prior blog. Sorry about that kiddos. Anyway, it looks like Philips is actively marketing manscaping.

Which makes me wonder if they are also planning on a marketing campaign around the consumption of tofu hot dogs in locker rooms. If so, I know just the two guys who would be perfect for the commercial.

Naked Dude #1: "You know what re-energizes me after a tough workout?"
Naked Dude #2: "What?"
Naked Dude #1: "Standing naked in a locker room eating tofu hot dogs."
Naked Dude #2: "Yeah, you got that right."

Brilliant.

Tuesday Musings

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I've just been lazy. That's all there is to it. But I'm going to do my best to provide content on a more regular basis (tomorrow's jury duty notwithstanding).

Anyway, the highlight of my day was going to the gym, which tells you all you need to know about how my day has gone. And for some reason, I am invariably confronted with weird behavior and/or ridiculous workout "outfits." And the past few weeks have been no different. To wit:

* I am still amazed when I see people work out in their work clothes. I'm no even talking about the guy who happened to wear dress socks or jeans to the gym. I'm talking full on oxford shirt, khakis and dress shoes. On the treadmill ... and on the machines. And you can pretty much guarantee that they went right back to work without showering or changing. Simply awful.

* I am also amazed when I see people walking around the locker room after having emerged from the shower still wearing their workout shorts. Showering while wearing your shorts? Is this middle school gym class or what? Unless you're hung like a Chihuahua, there's no reason to cover up, not to mention the fact that you still have to wash the private parts. You know, by directly applying soap to the area?

* Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to wear workout gloves at the gym. No, leather gardening gloves are not the same as workout gloves.

* What inspires guys to completely shave their arms, legs and chest? I counted 4 people at the gym the other day who were slicker than an election year politician. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a little "manscaping" now and then. Trimming the carpet which is your upper back hair? Fine. But Jesus Christ, this shit is getting out of hand. It's not like you have an upcoming body building contest there, so unless you're part-Sasquatch, there's really no acceptable reason to Nair your entire torso. Ever.

* The last story still haunts me to this day. I had just finished working out on a Friday afternoon at a 24 Hour Fitness gym in San Francisco. As I walked into the locker room to shower and change, I noticed that there was a sweaty man with a think handlebar mustache standing completely naked with his leg on the bench, talking to another man, who was also completely naked. Okay, not that big a deal so long as they don't start going at it while I'm changing right next to them. No, what was troubling was the fact that the mustached man was eating munching a package of uncooked tofu hot dogs. One right after the other. In a locker room. And then, after consuming the entire package, the two of them headed to the showers, presumably to bathe in separate stalls.

Words do not describe how disgusting it is to watch a sweaty naked man eating tofu hot dogs in a dirty locker room. Even thinking of it makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit.

It's not me, it's them.

I'm Not Just the President, I'm Also a Member

Rosemary: Is that a Member's Only jacket?
Mauricio: Yes.
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Jason Alexandar, "Shallow Hal"


I saw a man on the ferry this morning wearing a very similar jacket to this classic "Members Only" to this one.

And then upon closer inspection, it turned out that he was wearing an imitation Members Only jacket.

Holy shit. I didn't realize that it was an exclusive club. In my mind I imagined leaning over and saying "you know, it pays to be a member," and then I started to giggle.

Yes Viriginia, I am an asshole.

Tom Cruise is Considerate

Tom Cruise has hired a team of babysitters for his fiancee Katie Holmes so she has time to get in shape for their glitzy wedding ceremony. According to website Tmz.com, Cruise is reportedly "very concerned" that Holmes loses the weight she gained while pregnant before their big day, which is set to take place in early November. To ensure Holmes looks perfect when she walks down the aisle, Cruise has joined her on the grueling training sessions - and has drafted an army of babysitters to look after their baby daughter Suri so they can exercise without any interruptions.

Isn't he thoughtful? And by thoughtful, I mean "diminutive control freak."

Fair and Balanced

On his October 3 show, Bill O'Reilly showed video of Republican pedophile Mark Foley with the tagline "Former Congressman Mark Foley (D-FL)."

Oh, and this happened on three separate occasions, during two different segments.

I know what you're thinking and you're right. Yet again, O'Reilly is on the cutting edge. He outed Foley's secret switch from the Republican to Democrat party before Foley even exited alcohol rehab. Who even knew that he was contemplating such a move? Now that's hard hitting, investigative journalism.

Man, I Was Wrong ...

Dear Former Rep. Foley:

I am profoundly sorry. I made certain statements yesterday that were based on news reports that were released by the liberal media. Reports which later turned out to be inaccurate and incomplete.

Look, I can admit when I'm wrong. Like the time I raked that guy when playing rugby. Or like that time when I snuck out of work to see "Dude, Where's My Car?" That was wrong (on multiple levels).

But now after reviewing the excerpts from the actual transcript of the IM conversation that you had with a teenage male page (how are you supposed to know he was only 16??) and the below video dramatization, I can see that it was totally innocent and harmless. I now realize that your instant messages were taken entirely out of context. I was wrong to assume that IMs such as "get a ruler and measure it for me" and "did you spank it this weekend yourself" were entirely misconstrued. Once again, we have all been duped by the liberal media, which has an ongoing vendetta against honest, god-fearing Republicans like yourself.

Alleged pedophile? No way. Hard working Republican that's been the subject of an unfortunate smear campaign? Absolutely.

Mr. Foley, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. Good luck with that whole AA recovery thing.

Sincerely,

David James

"Paging Former Representative Foley ..."

Scumbag, hypocrite and former Rep. Mark Foley (FL-R) has entered an alcoholism treatment center three days after resigning from Congress amid allegations that he sent inappropriate e-mail and instant messages containing sexually suggestive material to teenage pages.

"Painfully, the events that led to my resignation have crystallized recognition of my longstanding significant alcohol and emotional difficulties," Foley wrote. "I strongly believe that I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and related behavioral problems."

In the letter, Foley said he deeply regrets and accepts "full responsibility for the harm that I have caused." He also said that "with the loving support of my family and friends," he made arrangements on Saturday to enter "a renowned in-patient facility to address my disease and related issues."

Foley, a six-term congressman, was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and a prominent backer of legislation to crack down on online predators and criminalize child pornography on the Internet.

What's been entirely lost in this news story is the amazing disovery that Alcoholics Anoymous is a cure for pedophilia. Fantastic news! No more extensive medical treatments and cognitive behavorial therapies - just 12 little steps and you're on your way to a new beginning, free from all urges to prey on underage minors!

And speaking of which, it irritates the shit out of me how all the articles repeatedly refer to the victim(s) as a "teenage male page" or as "teenage pages." Are they or are they not underage minors? I'm confident that they are minors because why would you include the term "teenage" in the description? If they were 18 or 19 years old, you would simply refer to them as "pages" or "male pages."

Assuming so, why not call it what it is? I'm not certain why we would water down the allegations against this worthless piece of shit Foley, even though he did apparently discover the shortcut cure for pedophilia.

God, people really annoy the shit out of me sometimes. And by sometimes, I really mean "frequently."