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January 20, 2009. Only 200 more days left to go. I knew this guy was a moron long ago when asked during a televised Reublican debate as to which political philosopher or thinker he most identified with and why, Bush responded, "Christ, because he changed my heart." That's when I knew we would be in for some trouble. But good god, I'm not sure anyone could have predicted how awful the next 8 years would be.

Speaking of God and predictions (hey look -- a segue!), I have to revisit an earlier post where Pat Robertson boldly predicted that would be a recession in 2008. Bold prediction there, Pat. But to his prophetic credit, Robertson suggested that Americans would be paying much more for gas at the pump and that oil would reach $150 a barrel.

Don't get me wrong, I will be the first person to call bullshit on a dubious Pat Roberston claim. But here we are barely halfway through the calendar year and this prediction looks like a mortal lock. The price for a barrel of oil has hit $144 and the average gas price nationwide is around $4.10 per gallon. Nine months ago, gas prices in California were less than $3 per gallon. Now gas is $4.60 per gallon and it's more likely that I will sooner see unicorns running in the streets than the return of $3 gas.

You know, next time we concoct some made up reason to invade another country, perhaps we should choose one with an endless supply of oil. Like "Petrolia" or "Oilrabia." That would make more sense.

Pat Robertson Still Can't Prophesize For Shit

Exactly one year ago today, I posted an entry which analyzed Pat Robertson's amazing prophetic abilities. To quickly summarize that post, Robertson got about a D- score for his ability (or, rather, his inabilty) to correctly predict major world events. Despite the fact that God is giving him the answers. How lame is that?

But in that post, I noted that Pat made some bold predictions for 2007. Perhaps it's time that we revisit his predictions and, if applicable, adjust his grade to more accurately and fully reflect his more recent predictions. Hell, if my Tax professor was willing to give me the opportunity to earn extra credit in order to receive a better grade (despite my total incompetence), then perhaps I should be big enough to similarly give Pat a second change (despite his total incompetence).

So let's just check out how he did in 2007.

Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. Pat (I love how I'm on a first name basis with this guy) also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by "very serious terrorist attacks" causing "possibly millions" of deaths.

Hold on, let me do a quick search of the past year's news for the terms "million+deaths+catastrophe+united+states+2007."

Results - zero. Hmm, it would appear at first blush that Robertson would receive an F- for this poor piece of forecasting. Ahh, not so quick -- Pat has an answer:

"All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us," Robertson said on The 700 Club. "So did I miss it? Possibly," he said of his unrealized prediction. [ Editor's note: he fucking absolutely he missed it.] "Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn't happen, so I think we can all rejoice."

Oh okay, let's make up a wild ass guess and, when you turn out to be a turd/liar/asshole, simply blame it on God and say "I might have fucked up, but only God knows. Thank goodness he didn't extinguish the nation en masse as he otherwise planned to do. You know, to show us how much he loves us."

God you're an asshole.

But despite his total lameness, I'm willing to cut Pat some slack and give hime one more year to redeem himself. And with that, here are his 2008 predictions:

First, Robertson predicts that there will be a recession in 2008. Second, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil. Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel - the price hit $100 on Wednesday - with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008. Lastly, he predicts that there will be a major stock market upheaval are on their way for the United States. "I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical scam artist.

Now we obviously won't know the accuracy of these predictions/wild ass guesses until next year, so we can't pass judgment yet. But let's at least examine the boldness and quality of these predictions. Because the "there will be a potentially nuclear terrorist attack that might kill millions of Americans" is a pretty ballsy prediction and pretty hard to top in 2008.

First, he said "there will be a recession in 2008." I'm going to have assign this the "well no shit" label. Some experts would argue we've already started it. Thanks again GW for the $33 trillion impact you've had on the debt. So I won't even count that worthless guess because it's fucking obvious. It's like predicting that Paris Hilton will be act like a dumb whore or that ice melts when its warm.

Second, he says that oil is going to hit $150 a barrel. You know, this isn't as crazy or bold a prediction as it may appear. A 50% increase in a single year is pretty hefty, but the combination of the weak dollar and rising oil prices might make this one attainable. All told, it's a semi-bold prediction, mostly because you can measure whether it will happen.

Lastly, he indicated that there would be a major stock market crash, perhaps in 2009 or 2010. Without more specifics, this is a pretty worthless prediction because: (a) we don't know what a "major crash" means (10% drop in a day? 20 correction over a period of a week? It's not like the financial markets were a dream in 2007); and (b) he doesn't specify which market would crash. He could be talking about the Latvia stock exchange, for all we know. But perhaps God doesn't give away what would be insider trading tips. God, I respect Robertson for not giving away God's stock tips.

But wait, there's more. My favorite non-prediction occurred on Wednesday when Robertson implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November. "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said.

Now this is just getting silly, Pat. This isn't a prediction -- it's "he said, God said" gossip which we have no way of corroborating. Jesus Christ, narrow it down a little bit (e.g., "The next president will be a woman / colored man / right-wing flaming freak like me."). Seriously, I want to give you the extra credit on this one but you got to work with me here, Pat. Can you at least say if the winner will be chosen before or after the major stock market crash? Also, can you provide an 1-2 year forecast on Google stock? I need to move some money around in my 401(k) and this little bit of information might be helpful. Thanks a bunch.

XOXOXO,
David James

The Prophesy of Pat Roberts

Our good buddy Pat Robertson is back to his forecasting ways.

On Tuesday, Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear (Ed. note: I'm certain he pronounced it "nuke-u-ler"). The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Holy shit, this guy talks to God so his track record has to be better than mine in my weekly "NFL Pick 'Em Pool." Hmmm, let's take a look at his ..., uhhh, I mean God's track record and let's assign a letter score to his prognostication ability.

* In January 2004, the broadcaster predicted that President Bush would easily win re-election.

Grade: C+. He was correct, Bush did win re-election and, unlike 2000, Bush actually won 51% of the vote, narrowly beating Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass). However, you would think that with God whispering in your ear, you could get a lot more specific than that. Predicting Bush would win re-election would have been like predicting that "tails will prevail" in a coin flip. Big deal.

* In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts. It's like predicting that a large star called "the sun" will magically rise in the East and set in the West -- each and every day of the year. Again, BFD.

Grade: C-. The Republican-led Senate did confirm Bush's 2005 nominations of right-wing fuckwits John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, but Bush's inane Social Security initiative stalled and eventually died. And again, it doesn't take fucking Kreskin to predict that a conservative freak president will nominate conservative freak judges to higher courts.

* In January 2006, Robertson suggested that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Grade: Incomplete/No Grade Assigned. This isn't even a prediction. So why did I include it? Simply to demonstrate what an asshole Pat Robertson is.

* In May 2006, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.

Grade: F. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Well no shit, asshole. Hitting less than 50% of your predictions does not smack of God-inspired prophesy. If Robertson could have predicted the precise day that we lost the 3,000th solider in the Iraq civil war, that would have been compelling. Fuck, even predicting a St. Louis Cardinals vs. Detroit Tiger World Series match-up during spring training would have been impressive enough.

Jesus Christ, Pat, please quit while you're ahead before you ruin your credibility and make a mockery of your God-inspired leg pressing claims, too.