Pat Robertson Still Can't Prophesize For Shit

Exactly one year ago today, I posted an entry which analyzed Pat Robertson's amazing prophetic abilities. To quickly summarize that post, Robertson got about a D- score for his ability (or, rather, his inabilty) to correctly predict major world events. Despite the fact that God is giving him the answers. How lame is that?

But in that post, I noted that Pat made some bold predictions for 2007. Perhaps it's time that we revisit his predictions and, if applicable, adjust his grade to more accurately and fully reflect his more recent predictions. Hell, if my Tax professor was willing to give me the opportunity to earn extra credit in order to receive a better grade (despite my total incompetence), then perhaps I should be big enough to similarly give Pat a second change (despite his total incompetence).

So let's just check out how he did in 2007.

Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. Pat (I love how I'm on a first name basis with this guy) also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by "very serious terrorist attacks" causing "possibly millions" of deaths.

Hold on, let me do a quick search of the past year's news for the terms "million+deaths+catastrophe+united+states+2007."

Results - zero. Hmm, it would appear at first blush that Robertson would receive an F- for this poor piece of forecasting. Ahh, not so quick -- Pat has an answer:

"All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us," Robertson said on The 700 Club. "So did I miss it? Possibly," he said of his unrealized prediction. [ Editor's note: he fucking absolutely he missed it.] "Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn't happen, so I think we can all rejoice."

Oh okay, let's make up a wild ass guess and, when you turn out to be a turd/liar/asshole, simply blame it on God and say "I might have fucked up, but only God knows. Thank goodness he didn't extinguish the nation en masse as he otherwise planned to do. You know, to show us how much he loves us."

God you're an asshole.

But despite his total lameness, I'm willing to cut Pat some slack and give hime one more year to redeem himself. And with that, here are his 2008 predictions:

First, Robertson predicts that there will be a recession in 2008. Second, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil. Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel - the price hit $100 on Wednesday - with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008. Lastly, he predicts that there will be a major stock market upheaval are on their way for the United States. "I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical scam artist.

Now we obviously won't know the accuracy of these predictions/wild ass guesses until next year, so we can't pass judgment yet. But let's at least examine the boldness and quality of these predictions. Because the "there will be a potentially nuclear terrorist attack that might kill millions of Americans" is a pretty ballsy prediction and pretty hard to top in 2008.

First, he said "there will be a recession in 2008." I'm going to have assign this the "well no shit" label. Some experts would argue we've already started it. Thanks again GW for the $33 trillion impact you've had on the debt. So I won't even count that worthless guess because it's fucking obvious. It's like predicting that Paris Hilton will be act like a dumb whore or that ice melts when its warm.

Second, he says that oil is going to hit $150 a barrel. You know, this isn't as crazy or bold a prediction as it may appear. A 50% increase in a single year is pretty hefty, but the combination of the weak dollar and rising oil prices might make this one attainable. All told, it's a semi-bold prediction, mostly because you can measure whether it will happen.

Lastly, he indicated that there would be a major stock market crash, perhaps in 2009 or 2010. Without more specifics, this is a pretty worthless prediction because: (a) we don't know what a "major crash" means (10% drop in a day? 20 correction over a period of a week? It's not like the financial markets were a dream in 2007); and (b) he doesn't specify which market would crash. He could be talking about the Latvia stock exchange, for all we know. But perhaps God doesn't give away what would be insider trading tips. God, I respect Robertson for not giving away God's stock tips.

But wait, there's more. My favorite non-prediction occurred on Wednesday when Robertson implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November. "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said.

Now this is just getting silly, Pat. This isn't a prediction -- it's "he said, God said" gossip which we have no way of corroborating. Jesus Christ, narrow it down a little bit (e.g., "The next president will be a woman / colored man / right-wing flaming freak like me."). Seriously, I want to give you the extra credit on this one but you got to work with me here, Pat. Can you at least say if the winner will be chosen before or after the major stock market crash? Also, can you provide an 1-2 year forecast on Google stock? I need to move some money around in my 401(k) and this little bit of information might be helpful. Thanks a bunch.

XOXOXO,
David James