First Amendment Repealed (Again!)

This is a repeat of one of my very first posts, which I believe Kate and perhaps 3 other people might have read. I thought it would repost it because it's a timeless classic, as I am constant witness to these offenses in the gym.

Okay, I'm lazy, too. Fine. There it is.

So here you go ...

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When it comes to free expression, I am as libertarian as they come. I am a big believer in the First Amendment. I strongly endorse freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and the free exercise of one’s religion (just don’t teach that “intelligent design” crap in public school). So I believe in free expression, I really do.

And this extends to expressing one’s self via clothing and choice of dress. As you could guess, I’m not a big fan of mandatory school dress or clothing conformity. However, my endorsement of the First Amendment extends only to the door of the 24 Hour Fitness where I work out, within which I have seen an amazing array of entirely unacceptable workout attire. To wit:

* Wool caps - you live in Northern California and it’s 70+ degrees outside. Why the hell do you think you need a wool cap in the gym? To keep warm? Try being homeless in Washington DC for a weekend and then see if you really need it.

* Do-rags - I like to think I’m hip, but I honestly don’t understand this fashion trend. Slightly less acceptable than the wool cap.

* Spandex - I can envision certain limited instances where a minimal amount of spandex is acceptable. However, to the women at the 24 Hour Fitness in Oakland who wears the same goddamned spandex outfit (black leggings with fluorescent pink “bathing suit/thong” top) every night -- please, for the love of god. STOP IT! I would rather watch Courtney Love get a pap smear than watch you prance around the gym in that ridiculous outfit, pausing in front of every mirror so you can admire your “double bicep” pose. Enough is enough.

* Baggy Parachute Pants - these went out around the time MC Hammer dropped the “MC” from his name. Please stop.

* Loafers - for the love of god, invest in some form of athletic shoe. There is no justification for doing leg presses in a tasseled loafer. Fucking ridiculous.

* Ninja outfits - this is a new entry and was actually spotted today at the gym. Jaw dropping.

* Work clothes - there is no reason to work out in khakis. Ever.

* Shoes without socks - disgusting. Why don’t you just wear a skunk on your feet instead?

* Headbands - hey Olivia Newton John -- are you really sweating that profusely? Can’t you just bring a towel to mop your sopping brow?

* Jean cutoffs - unless you’re Daisy Duke or an 8-year old on a camping trip, this is never acceptable attire.

I won’t even get started with the appalling mix of music, which included songs by each of the talentless Simpson sisters and, I think, the Pointer Sisters. Would it really cut into the gym’s profit margin to invest in some satellite radio service? Jesus christ…