No Blog For Old Men

The New York Daily News is reporting that Will Smith is now officially insane and has been actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

The article states:

"Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that Scientology can fix right up for you.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

I'll put aside for a moment what a cheap fucker Will Smith is for giving out free personality testing sessions. It's like giving out AOL CDs as a gift. But I'm more amused by the concept that Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism have 98% in common with Scientology. Okay, people shouln't steal, kill or lie ... love your fellow man ... Okay, that's all pretty basic. But it's that 2% of Scientology craziness about spaceships and galactic souls that doesn't quite jibe with traditional religions.

Now it had been a while since David James' last bible study, so I whipped out the good book and tried to find the "OT level III book" of the Old Testament. Lo and behold, there is is in the book of Xenu, just as plain as day:

Xenu 1:1. "And 75 million years ago, God introduced Zenu as alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. And the Lord said 'Xenu bring billions of people to Earth in spacecrafts, stack them around volcanoes and blow them up with hydrogen bombs.' And Xenu did as the Lord requested and their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living as they continue to do this day. And the prophet L. Ron Hubbard shall call these clustered spirits "Body Thetans" and the Lord instructed his advanced-level Scientologist believers to place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

And then the Lord rested on the seventh day (i.e., the "Xenu Sabbath"), because he was tired of listening to this bullshit.

Al Reynolds Tortured By Giant Bear!!!

God, there are times when I hate the Internet. And this is one of those times. Oh well, I figure that if I had to see these horrifying photos, then my worldwide audience should share in them well.

Here are recent photos of Star Jones giving her husband Al Reynolds a lap dance at some bar at 2:00 a.m. following the Kentucky Derby. As you can see, Al appears less than thrilled by her affectionate gesture. And by "less than thrilled" I mean "horrified and repulsed." I honestly don't know which picture I love more. Is it the first one of him where he appears in total anguish? Or is it the second one where he has a resigned look of disgust?

From now on, I will thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. Baby Jesus that Star Jones was not one of the lap dance contestants at Lucky Cheng's that fateful night in April. It's a long story and the photos are fuzzy. But the memories are clear and I shudder to think what she might have done to me. Thankfully, I live on and will continue to "work" from home, pausing every 30 minutes or so to wander into the kitchen to graze incessantly. Good times.

Celebrity Subcaption of the Day

"David Gest, can you show me where babies come from? Well done!"

Tom Cruise is a Giant

If you're like me, you waited breathlessly all weekend for updates and photos from the big Tom Cruise-Kate Holmes wedding this weekend.

Okay, truth be told, I really didn't give this non-event one second of thought this weekend. Sure, it's not often when a famous celebrity marries his third beard, but still I have a lot of better things to do. Like play rugby. Although this time I didn't make the same mistake as the prior weekend, where I was seriously undercaffeinated for the game (although I didn't think I would play then with my busted up thumb). Instead, I was amped up with caffeine (4 shots of espresso, a couple of Red Bulls and a Coca Cola Zero). I was also fitted with a handy new thumb protector. Actually, it was the splint that my doctor issued me, which I cut down to make less bulky. Pretty neat, eh? Anyway, it worked well and I had played just fine up until the time in the game that my heart actually exploded. Oh well.

Anyway, I've posted this weeding photo to note the amazing growth spurt of Tom Cruise. You remember those kids in high school that grew about 5 inches in one year? Well apparently Tom Cruise just entered puberty and hit the same growth spurt. Either that or he's standing on the backs of his Scientologist groomsmen. Because there's no fucking way that he's taller than her, as evidenced by the following photo:

Honestly, she must be knee-deep in a whole to stand eye level with her diminutive, nut-job husband.

Tom Cruise is Considerate

Tom Cruise has hired a team of babysitters for his fiancee Katie Holmes so she has time to get in shape for their glitzy wedding ceremony. According to website Tmz.com, Cruise is reportedly "very concerned" that Holmes loses the weight she gained while pregnant before their big day, which is set to take place in early November. To ensure Holmes looks perfect when she walks down the aisle, Cruise has joined her on the grueling training sessions - and has drafted an army of babysitters to look after their baby daughter Suri so they can exercise without any interruptions.

Isn't he thoughtful? And by thoughtful, I mean "diminutive control freak."