Monday, January 22, 2007

"So Does it Come With a View?"

No, this man is not a giant. He's simply standing in a ridiculously small "flat" in London that is going for $335K. No, I'm dead serious.

In the latest "News of the Ridiculous," a 77-square-foot former storage room — slightly bigger than a prison cell and without electricity — is going for $335,000 in London's exclusive Knightsbridge neighborhood.

At more than $4,340 a square foot, the mortgage buys a spot within walking distance of tony stores like Harrods and London's iconic Hyde Park. Originally conceived as a maid's room, the apartment at 18 Cadogan Place hasn't been used for years and is littered with trash bags and crumbling paint. A coffin-sized shower is en suite, and storage is provided by a shallow closet and 10-inch-deep shelves cut into the wall. Two hot plates and a small sink make up the kitchen. Two dirty windows allow light to filter into the basement room, and the fire escape could conceivably double as a shared patio.

Oh, and there's no electricity or heating, which will cost an additional $59,000 in order to make the room habitable.

I'm sorry, but this is just nuttier than Tom Cruise. Jesus Christ, where would I put my Beanie Baby collection? I swear I will never, ever again complain about the price of real estate in the Bay Area.

Thanks to VMD for sending.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The New AT&T

It's been a week since I've posted and, yes, I know that I suck. But the week has been pretty much more of the same - early conference calls and too little sleep.

There was some good news this week. We won our second straight rugby game, leaving us at the top of the standings. However, we play the Division III Rugby National Champions this weekend, so we'll enjoy it while it lasts. And for those who had expressed concerns over my disfigured lip, it is entirely healed up and held up nicely in this past weekend's game. I can't say my neck is in any great shape, but oh well ...

Anyway, here's a funny, albeit confusing, video clip of Stephen Colbert explaining the whole AT&T/Cingular merger. I hadn't even heard the news, so this little video cheat sheet came in quite handy. This video goes out to my telecom homies at the Q. Enjoy, y'all!


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Wednesday Nonsense

My crazy manager just quit on Monday. No, not the new, crazy dude that owns a label maker. I'm talking about the crazy woman. That one. Anyway, I knew that she would be leaving eventually when she didn't get the General Counsel's job that she lobbied for -- and actually performed for over a year. But I didn't think she would be so rash to "resign" upon one day's notice -- and without another job to go to. Ouch.

Anyway, she's hired me twice and I've worked for her for years, so it's going to be weird working without her. She would drive me 110% nuts with her crazy fire drills, so I won't miss that. But she was a good person and had a sense of humor, both of which will be missed. It also probably means that David James will need to dust off his resume, which I guess is both good and bad. But I'd better get to it before I, uhhh, resign next.

Monday, January 08, 2007

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The "Good" - we won our first rugby match of the season, beating the Marin Reds 11-7. It's a great feeling to win the first league game of our 8 game season, esp. since we weren't so great last year. We have a game this weekend against another good team before we play the Division 3 USA rugby national champion the following weekend.

The "Bad" - somehow my face managed to awkwardly collide with some 300 lb. guy's fist/forearm/paw when he went to high tackle me. Gosh, I am so clumsy sometimes! I managed to bust up my mouth pretty good so, suffice it to say, my lip balm modeling career might be on hold for a bit.

The "Ugly" - because Derek will certainly insist on seeing a photo of said injury, well here you go. My daughter summed it up nicely when she said "Daddy, it looks a little bit ... worse today."

Thank you dear child. You have to love the refreshing honesty of children.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Bye Bye Birdie

Last night as I was making my way in the house, I found another dead bird on my front porch in almost the exact same spot as the one I found on Christmas. I thought the double homicide/suicide was a bit of an odd coincidence, so I decided to research the literary/dream symbolism of a dead bird. Perhaps there's a deeper meaning.

My rudimentary research indicated that the dead bird, as it appears in literature and in dreams, symbolizes "lamentation over lost innocence" (or "maidenhood"), as well as "lost love."

As much as I hate to disappoint my readers, I must admit that I lost my maidenhood a loooong time ago (sorry ladies). And I wouldn't call Scarlett Johansson dating Josh Hartnett "lost love," per se, although I guess that could change if she were to marry that loser.

Since that didn't really explain things much, I then began to ponder the "how" and "why" of it all. Most notably, "why am I getting weekly deliveries of dead birds on my goddamned front porch?" After considering the various possibilities, I concluded that one of the following was the answer:

Conclusion 1 - The roof of my house is made out of some mysterious, toxic substance which instantly kills birds on contact. Awesome. Now if I could only find some more of that goop to slather on Ann Coulter, I'd be very pleased.

Conclusion 2 - Some asshole is distributing dead birds in my neighborhood like some sort of fucking Johnny Appleseed. This would be equally awesome except for the fact that I'm the only one that appears to be regularly receiving these little gifts.

Conclusion 3 - A neighborhood cat is trying to curry favor with me by leaving me dead presents on my doorstep on a daily basis. How sweet. While I would prefer chocolates or flowers, I guess a dead bird would have to be considered a unique present. I can't honestly say I've ever received them before.

I'm going to have to choose conclusion 3 since it's the only one that will allow me to sleep at night.

Righteous!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Prophesy of Pat Roberts

Our good buddy Pat Robertson is back to his forecasting ways.

On Tuesday, Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear (Ed. note: I'm certain he pronounced it "nuke-u-ler"). The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Holy shit, this guy talks to God so his track record has to be better than mine in my weekly "NFL Pick 'Em Pool." Hmmm, let's take a look at his ..., uhhh, I mean God's track record and let's assign a letter score to his prognostication ability.

* In January 2004, the broadcaster predicted that President Bush would easily win re-election.

Grade: C+. He was correct, Bush did win re-election and, unlike 2000, Bush actually won 51% of the vote, narrowly beating Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass). However, you would think that with God whispering in your ear, you could get a lot more specific than that. Predicting Bush would win re-election would have been like predicting that "tails will prevail" in a coin flip. Big deal.

* In 2005, Robertson predicted that Bush would have victory after victory in his second term. He said Social Security reform proposals would be approved and Bush would nominate conservative judges to federal courts. It's like predicting that a large star called "the sun" will magically rise in the East and set in the West -- each and every day of the year. Again, BFD.

Grade: C-. The Republican-led Senate did confirm Bush's 2005 nominations of right-wing fuckwits John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, but Bush's inane Social Security initiative stalled and eventually died. And again, it doesn't take fucking Kreskin to predict that a conservative freak president will nominate conservative freak judges to higher courts.

* In January 2006, Robertson suggested that God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli-controlled land to the Palestinians.

Grade: Incomplete/No Grade Assigned. This isn't even a prediction. So why did I include it? Simply to demonstrate what an asshole Pat Robertson is.

* In May 2006, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006.

Grade: F. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Well no shit, asshole. Hitting less than 50% of your predictions does not smack of God-inspired prophesy. If Robertson could have predicted the precise day that we lost the 3,000th solider in the Iraq civil war, that would have been compelling. Fuck, even predicting a St. Louis Cardinals vs. Detroit Tiger World Series match-up during spring training would have been impressive enough.

Jesus Christ, Pat, please quit while you're ahead before you ruin your credibility and make a mockery of your God-inspired leg pressing claims, too.

Monday, January 01, 2007

What It Is, What It Was, What It Shall Be....

When I was a kid growing up in the 70's, I used to love watching bad TV game shows -- Hollywood Squares, The Joker's Wild, Tic Tac Dough, Card Sharks, you name it. One of my very favorite ones was Family Feud. I'm talking about the original one featuring Richard Dawson, not any of those shitty hacks that tried to follow in his footsteps. It was one game show where (1) it would often occur to me that I was decidedly smarter than those people that were actually on the show, and (2) Richard Dawson would never hesitate to let a contestant know (albeit nicely) how dumb they really were.

Anyway, it was some time during the late 1970's and I distinctly remember watching Family Feud in the middle of the day. I presume it was summertime, but it could have been one those days that are now referred to in the corporate world as a "personal leave day."

There were two families -- one family of European descent and one African American family. Or as it was simply described back then, the white family vs. the black family. I remember each family being a collage of bad fashion, dated hairstyles, and questionable game show answers. However, at the end of round 3 (or so), the "white" family led the "black" family along the lines of 268-0.

It's now time for the famed "Triple Score Round" (a/k/a "Let's finally finish up this game so we can show some goddamned commercials").

Richard Dawson begins to speak. "The top five answers are on the board. Name a slang term for a police officer."

BUZZ!!

"Cop" says the one guy from the black family.

"Survey says ....."

DING!!

"Cop is the #1 answer," says Dawson. "Do you want to play or pass?"

"We'll play, Richard," the family member confidently states.

Richard asks each family member the same question, "name a slang term for a police officer" and the proceed to reel off the remaining answers in order of popularity and without getting a single strike:

"Fuzz"
"Heat"
"Pig"
"The Man"

And it just so happened that those were the only five responses, so the black family ended up winning 300-268. I remember it was pretty funny at the time, because the other family just stood there looking entirely stunned, thinking they had the game in the bag.

While I realize that there are probably some profound - and perhaps disturbing - sociological conclusions to be drawn from this episode, what really strikes me even years later was the jargon used back then. Certainly cop is still commonly used, but whatever happened to the more 70's-esque terms -- "heat," "pig" and "fuzz?" Or what about other great 70's terms, like "far out," "groovy," and "right on?" What ever happened to those?

Sure, some 70's terms are used still to this day (e.g., dude, awesome, disco). But there are so many great 70's colloquial expressions that have virtually disappeared and which, sadly, could soon be extinct one day.

So I decided that my 2007 New Year's resolution would be to bring back some of the 70's slang. Don't get me wrong, I'm just talking about the expressions, not the clothing, music or hairstyle. I'm really going to make an effort to sprinkle it into every day conversation as well as the blog. Special requests are, of course, welcome and encouraged.

And maybe, just maybe, we'll see a resurgence in the use of terms such as "foxy," "solid" and "can you dig it."

And as an extra bonus, here's a fantastic clip of Richard Dawson absolutely losing it and unable to compose himself on a Family Feud episode. I am certain he was hammered at the time, but that doesn't take away from the awesome-ness of this clip.

Dy-no-mite.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Is it 2007 Yet?

Hello kiddies ... I hope this message finds you doing well and recovering from the Christmas bloat. Christmas was good and relaxing. The kids had a great time and Santa was generous enough to leave me a dead bird on my front porch. I guess he couldn't make his way in because I don't have a chimney, so he decided to leave the pear tree-less partidge on the stairs outside of my front door. Either that, or it's some sort of subliminal mob gesture. In either event, I'm flattered that someone would be so thoughtful to get me the gift that no one else thought of. Well done.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry (Early) Christmas

Knowing my propensity for posting stuff on a timely basis and the likelihood that I will be offline this weekend, I wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday season.

My old roommate in Denver was Australian, so I found this skit involving Hugh Jackman and the "Christmas Kangaroo" particularly humorous. Plus, Will Ferrell is great. So if this video doesn't amuse you, then there it's not me, it's you.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Best Regards,

David James

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Fruitcake Lady

Despite being the season for lackadaisical work efforts, my employer is actually pressuring me to work. How novel is that?

So you know that that means. It's time, yet again, to pass off a three minute YouTube video as interesting content. Shhh, let's hope they don't notice.

I understand that the "Fruitcake Lady" appears on the Tonight Show, although I would have no idea as I haven't watched it since I was nine. But she's pretty funny nonetheless. My favorite quote occurs around minute 2:47. Enjoy. I'll try to have something new and/or interesting tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

New Laptop: Day 2

Dear IT Department:

Thank you for your timely response to my trouble ticket. Okay, I have to admit it that you haven't actually contacted me for 2 days -- let alone fixed my problems. But I thought that by thanking you in advance, you would actually be kind enough and respond to my cry for help. I hoped that kindness and patience would prevail over rage and threats of bodily injury.

Anyway, if I were to ask Santa Claus for one gift this year (other than the previously-requested world peace and Scarlett Johansson's virginity), it would be that one of your fine technicians would actually respond to my open trouble ticket and help me walk through the configuration of my new work laptop.

Don't get me wrong, I am honored that my company would actually spend $450 on a new Dell laptop. I'd like to think that you responded quickly to my complaint that I could no longer read the screen on my current Etch-O-Sketch laptop. In reality, it was probably the email rant where I noted that I was going blind from trying to read contracts on a goddammned pixilated screen. But that's water under the bridge now. My vision is returning to normal and I now have the fancy, newish (read: refurbished) laptop to use.

Well, at least use in theory. You see, it's not quite working properly, hence my call into our IT help desk to open a trouble ticket. Since the IT brainiac in St. Louis (i.e., Silicon Armpit) couldn't figure it out over the phone, it appears that my company is entrusting me to fully configure the new laptop, including, installing and setting all of the software, firewalls, security settings, systems tools, files, folders, backup data, and the like. I'm honored. It's kind of like when Pak'n Save entrusts you to responsibly pack your own groceries. Except, of course, that a computer contains years of important files and documents and is a wee bit more complicated to figure out than remembering the simple rule of "pack eggs and bread on top." But who doesn't like a challenge?

Anyway, if you could respond this year, that would be great. I'll be the guy in his office stealing WiFi from another building because the fucking network connection doesn't work on this piece-of-shit laptop.

Very Best Regards and Merry Christmas,

David James

Monday, December 18, 2006

One Week Until Christmas ....

Sorry for the delay in posting. I have been busy dealing with a bunch of stuff pertaining to the house, moving, work, etc., as well as struggling to configure and update a new work laptop after my old one died.

Anyway, to answer the various questions that have been asked over the past week or so:

* I officially move in on Wednesday
* The hot tub seats 7
* Sadly there is no stripper pole in the new house (sorry AJH)
* There are no new rugby injuries to report after Saturday's game
* For Christmas I would like world peace and Scarlett Johansson's virginity

Anyway .... I've always been a fan of those old Christmas specials that I watched as a child - "Charlie Brown Christmas," "A Year Without a Santa Claus" ... you name it. Well, except for that lame "Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey." Anyway I somehow stumbled across this video, which analyzes "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and illustrates what an asshole Santa Claus is. My favorite quote is when he tells Rudolph’s father that he "should be ashamed of yourself" for having a reindeer child with such a deformity.

I kind of knew that there was something wrong about him given the fact that Santa maintained a colony of slave...., uhh, I mean "indentured servant" elves. But I didn't realize what a tool he was before watching this video. Enjoy.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

You're So Money and You Don't Even Know It

This video clip from the movie "Swingers" is, without question, the most painful, difficult to watch scene from any movie ever made. It could be just a guy thing, but I simply cringe every time I see it. Even now -- ten years after it first came out -- I can barely stand to sit through the entire scene. The Ned Beaty rape scene from "Deliverance" is far easier for me to watch. Hell, I would rather watch a homemade Star Jones sex tape than this scene.



However, there is one Star Jones video clip I could watch over and over again:

Monday, December 11, 2006

House Update

Below are some house photos which I was able to download from the former seller's agent website (long story). The active link I used to have no longer works since we are scheduled to close in a few days.

Anyway, here it is as the seller had it decorated. You will have to imagine (a) the removal of the yellow paint, and (b) the prominent glass storage case for my Beanie Baby collection. I'll probably have to convert one of the bedrooms for that purpose, but I'm otherwise open to ideas. And if you can suggest decorating ideas that incorporate milk crates and/or recycled cardboard, all the better...








Thursday, December 07, 2006

Don't You Put That Evil On Me, Ricky Bobby!

Will Ferrell is fantastic. This made me laugh on an otherwise boring day.

Sorry that the posting has been sporadic recently. The past few days have been hectic in anticipation for the house closing, which is next Tuesday. Which means I will be accepting donations of food come next Wednesday. Preferably no tofu hot dogs, though.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Fuckwit Politician of the Day

Today's Fuckwit Politician of the Day (“FPotD”) is Colorado Republican Tom Tancredo, a freakishly conservative, anti-immigration politician, who recently warned that George Bush was a "dangerous internationalist" who was plotting to integrate the North American continent.

Tancredo, who conveniently forgets that his ancestors were once immigrants themselves, recently told WorldNetDaily, a controversial conservative website, “I know this is dramatic, or maybe somebody would say overly dramatic. But I’m telling you that everything I see leads me to believe that this whole idea of the North American union, it’s not something that’s just written about by right-wing fringe kooks,” said Tancredo, who himself is a right-wing fringe kook who is considering a run at the presidency. “It is something in the head of the president of the United States, the president of Mexico, I think the prime minister of Canada buys into it...”

Not surprisingly, Rolling Stone magazine recently labeled Tancredo as one of the 10 worst congressmen. The publication noted he wants to deport every undocumented worker in the United States, a proposal that would cost at least US$200 billion, and has called for halting all immigration, legal or otherwise.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Tom “I hate brown people” Tancredo’s politics, here are a few highlights:

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they seek higher education!

* Tancredo criticized the Denver Public Library system for supporting Spanish-speaking families through reading materials and offering space for classes. I'm not sure why has an issue with Spanish speakers reading, but oh well.

* Tancredo founded the “Team America” political action committee in 2004 in order to collect contributions for immigration-restrictionist inclined congressional representatives and candidates. Sadly, Tancredo did not receive any credit for being the inspiration for the movie of the same name, ”Team America: World Police”.

* On September 11, 2006, Tancredo spoke to a gathering of the "Americans Have Had Enough Coalition", sponsored by the "The League of the South," which is a neo-Confederate organization that has been described as a racist hate group. According to reports, the room in which Tancredo spoke had a prominent picture of Robert E. Lee and was draped with Confederate battle flags. At the closing of the event, men dressed in full Confederate military regalia present stood up and began to sing "Dixie." Unfortunately, the League of the South couldn't locate an African American slave to lynch in order to make the setting perfect.

* On November 28, 2006, Tancredo was quoted in several news sources as referring to the city of Miami, Florida as a "Third World country." Jeb Bush called Tancredo's remarks "naive" in a letter to the congressman, who replied in a letter "I certainly understand and appreciate your need and desire to try and create the illusion of Miami as a multiethnic 'All American' city," he said. "However, it is neither naïve nor insulting to call attention to a real problem that cannot be easily dismissed through politically correct happy talk." Translation: “Suck it, Jeb.”

* He received press attention for highlighting individual illegal immigrant families for deportation, such as that of Jesus Apodaca, an honor student, who publicly complained about having to pay out-of-state tuition rate at the University of Colorado at Denver, despite being raised in the state, because his family immigrated illegally. How dare they want to get an education?

* Tancredo stirred up controversy in 2005 when he mused on a Florida radio show that America could destroy Islamic holy sites like Mecca if there’s another terrorist attack on U.S. soil.

However, my favorite snippet about Tancredo pertained to the negative publicity he received when the Denver Post reported that two illegal immigrants were among the crew hired to remodel Tancredo’s basement. When asked about it, Tancredo defended himself by saying that he never asked about their immigration status. I guess he wasn’t tipped off by their brown skin and funny accents. But they were relegated to the basement, so how could you fault him?

Tom Tancredo: 2008. Your candidate for a whiter, easier to understand America.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Great Commercials of the 80s

Given his driving, I'm thinking Redd Foxx actually broke into the malt liquor supply before filming this. And I have no idea what the hell the premise was for this commercial:



I used to love watching Super Friends when I was a kid, although what's up with Wonder Woman and Aqua Man flying? That always bothered me:



I remember having one of these toys in my house when I was a kid. I'm pray to the littl 8 lb, 6 oz Baby Jesus that it was my sister's:



Is it just me, or is this the most anti-social commercial of all time? You don't need real friends. You only need the imitation friend that's manufactured and sold for $20 instead:

Friday, December 01, 2006

Mules Gone Wild!

The Sundance Film Festival announced Wednesday that Seattle filmmaker Robinson Devor's documentary "Zoo" has been accepted into the 2007 festival's documentary competition. The film examines the widely reported case of an Washington man who died in 2005 after having sex with a horse. "Zoo" is one of 16 documentaries selected for competition, all of which will screen as world premieres.

Really, a movie about a guy that schtupped a horse? Aren't these made all the time? You know, Rocky VI suddenly doesn't look so bad any more.

I really wish I was there to see how the actor selection process went:

Filmmaker: "I'm making a documentary and am looking for someone to play the lead in recreating some of the main scenes."
Starving Actor: "Sounds good. What does it entail?"
Filmmaker: "You're going to have to fuck a horse and then pretend to die."
Starving Actor: "Okay, I guess I'll do it. Does it pay standard wage?"
Filmmaker: "Actually, it's a documentary, so you won't be paid at all."
Filmmaker: "Okay, just .. don't .. get it my eyes."

Man, I can't wait for that one to hit the big screen. What a touching drama to capture on film. I wonder, when is the Pastor Ted Haggard documentary coming out? (Multiple puns intended)

And yes, somewhere in the faint distance I can hear someone uttering the predictable joke "Rectum? Hell, it killed him!"

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Techical Difficulties

For some reason, this free website is giving me difficulties as I try to post some photos. I guess you get what you pay for. Oh well, so much for today's visual humor.

Today's "News of the Disgusting" is brought to you by my favorite 24 Hour Fitness gym. No, not the one in San Francisco that brought you the tofu hot dog story. Rather it's the one in Oakland that brought you this post as well as this rant. Just so everyone's clear on which freak show scene I'm talking about.

To set the scene, I go to wash my hands after using the restroom (as everyone should do, although not everyone follows this simple rule for some disgusting reason). Anyway, they don't have paper towels - ironically for sanitation reasons -- but instead have those adjustable hot air blowers that you dry your hands under. As I turn to go dry off my hands, I look over and see that some dude has turned the air blower upside down (i.e., aiming straight up) and is using it to dry off his package! He literally has his scrotum and wiener resting on the hot air blower as it's going full steam.

It reminded me of the old Mr. Bean videoclip:



My first thought was "what the fuck are you doing? Do you realize you are in public?" My next thought was one of utter revulsion. My last thought was "this poor guy could really use a Philips Bodygroomer if he needs a high-powered hand dryer to blow dry his pubic hair."

Fast forward five days later and I noticed that there was another guy with his head covered with a towel. He had his towel-covered head buried in the same upside-down hand dryer, attempting to dry his hair. At least it was on his head. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that one man's makeshift hair dryer is another man's testicle drying machine.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. I spent a very quiet holiday with family and enjoyed a carb-tastic dinner. Everyone I know loves the Thanksgiving meal (perhaps minus a few annoying relatives), so I've wondered why we only have turkey and all the fixings once per year. I mean, it's not like there's some sort of stuffing shortage or cranberry sauce embargo. The good holidays start to dwindle in the early part of the year, so why not have "Thanksgiving Day II" in, say, June? It's not like "Flag Day" is knocking anyone's socks off.