Trick-or-Treat

What do you get when you combine a favorite holiday, a much-loved pet and horrible judgment? Halloween costumes for dogs.

The Bridal Dog. Isn't s/he lovely? Good luck throwing the bouquet when it's sewn to your artificial limbs.


Scooby-Doo. I don't understand why you want to dress your dog up as another dog. Someone help me with this.



Herro Kitty. If there's anything worse than dressing up your dog as another dog ... it's dressing it up as a cat.



Pippy Longstockings(?). I don't even know what this is supposed to be. But I do know that if this dog had any idea how ridiculous it looks, it would kill and eat its owner.



Raggedy Ann. I wasn't even sure what this costume was supposed to be at first. Is "Red-Headed Amish Woman" a Halloween costume?



Dorothy. Toto is now Dorothy. Oh the irony of the role reversal. This dog's sad look reminds me of the look I will soon have on my face when I have to go back to St. Louis for the second time in three weeks. Ugh.



The Rest of the Wizard of Oz Characters. Ahhh, that lucky dog doesn't just have one costume -- it has 4 Wizard of Oz inspired outfits. If I were the dog, I would change the words of "If I Only Had a Brain" to "If I Only Had a Clear Shot At My Owner's Jugular."



Kenny From South Park. Could this dog look any more depressed? This one is definitely high up on the Britney Spears suicide watch.



Tiki Dog. Two things immediately struck me about this costume. First, I guarantee you that its owner is a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Second, Hawaiian shirts look no better on ugly dogs. I would rather wear a t-shirt that says "I like to lick myself" than this gawdawful shirt.

Red Sox Win

For those that weren't closely watching it on TV (and seriously, I know everyone was), the Boston Red Sox prevailed over the Colorado Rockies, by sweeping the best of 7 series.

This is small karma for me having wasted several hours earlier in the week trying to buy tickets online -- only to have the feeble Rockies' website crash repeatedly, before being taken down entirely .... and then have it up again, only to watch it be entirely impossible to access. But I'm not bitter.

In a replay of 2004, the Red Sox -- who were down this year to the Cleveland Indians 3-1 just as they were to the Yankees in 2004 -- won seven games in a row to capture their second World Series in four years (and 3rd in the last 90). And to top it off, the Yankees are on the brink of mediocrity having fired their manager and losing their best player to free agency. Not a bad baseball weekend at all, come to think of it.

2007 Rugby World Cup

It had to end. After watching 48 matches over six weeks totaling more than 70 hours, the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France has finally come to an end. As no one reading this likely knows, South Africa defeated the reigning world champions, England, with an impressive showing in Paris on Saturday.

The USA finished ….. uhhh, not first. USA rugby is years behind other nations, mostly due to the fact that it’s a poorly organized, amateur sport that’s not shown on network television. Hell, it’s difficult to find any coverage in the U.S. despite the fact that over four billion have watched at least part of one match.

And of those four billion people, guess which who put off sleep and work to watch every match? Me. (Ironically, that’s also the same answer to the question “Who doesn’t have a life?”)

And of all the games and tries (i.e., touchdowns) that I saw scored, the best one was scored by none other than a USA rugby player. Takudzwa “Z” Ngwenya scored the try which was named try of the year but the International Rugby Board.

On September 30, the soon-to-be champions South Africa defeated the United States by the score of 64-15 in Montpellier. This would technically classify as a drubbing. However, the highlight occurred just before the end of the first half. It began deep in the USA’s territory, when flanker Todd Clever (in the red) intercepted a South Africa pass and proceeded to deliver a nasty stiff-arm to the face of SA’s flyhalf (Butch James), who then flipped it to one of his teammates. Two passes later and the ball reached Z Ngwenya just inside his own half. As South Africa’s Brian Habana -- who was named Rugby Player of the Year and who’s widely regarded as the fastest man in rugby -- came across to make the tackle, Ngwenya checked, juked, sidestepped and then absolutely dusted the South Africa wing to score the try.

Even the commentary is great. “Chase me ... I’ve left you, mate .... I've left you.”

Sorry the video quality is so poor, but the video keeps getting taken down by the rugby elves. I guess it has something to do with copyright violations or something like that. Oh well, here it is. Enjoy it while it lasts.

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On My Way To The Blog .....

I know it's been a long time and I really have no excuse to not post a note indicating "I'm alive" or what have you. But October has been a hectic month, filled with a bunch of distractions, hobbies and the like. So without further ado, I present the "Top Ten List of Things With Which I Have Been Preoccupied," which have precluded me from blogging more recently:

1. The Nintendo Wii. I bought the Wii two weeks ago ostensibly "for the kids." However, I think I can conservatively estimate the amount of Wii playing time as me - 97%, kids - 3%. The games are fun and intuitive and quick to play -- which is the real danger. I'll finish a conference call (or hell, I'll even be on one) and I'll play a little golf or bowling, which games usually last 5 minutes. Of course that presumes I only play one game. Uhh, hi folks. I won't go into the gory details about how fun the game is, but I will say that the worst part of the Wii is that you get a message indicating the amount of time played on the Wii and which games were played. Goodbye two hours of my day, hello unemployment.

2. Cal Golden Bears Football. Cal's heartbreaking loss to Oregon State this past weekend. Honestly, it was the most crushing defeat of any sports team that I care about that I can recall. I was honestly been numb for like 3 days. It all came down to the very last play which, to this day, is still too painful for me to watch. I would honestly rather watch my own colonoscopy than the last 10 seconds of that game. And no, I would not characterize this as a healthy relationship. Cal is basically the Ike Turner to my Tina. I think I need some help here.

3. Rugby World Cup 2007. To date, I have watched all 46 rugby games played at the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France, which is approximately 70 hours of rugby over the past 6+ weeks. You do the math. Not pretty. I'm now faced with the dilemma as to who to root for in the final -- England or South Africa? Root for England and you get 4 more years of insufferable boasting. Root for South Africa and I feel like I'm tacitly rooting for apartheid. It's really a lose-lose situation.

4. Loathing Our Administration. Seriously, only 459 more days until GW is gone. The day can't come quick enough.

5. Scarlett Johannson.


6. Baseball Playoffs. I know I'm only one of 17 people or so that give a shit about baseball, but my team (Red Sox) is in the playoffs, although they are on the brink of elimination. While the playoffs have been someone anticlimactic, it's fun to see teams like Cleveland and Colorado go far in the playoffs, as one team hasn't won the World Series in 60 years and the other has never been before.

7. Ellen DeGeneres' Dog Fiasco. Okay, not really. Let's move on people. There are far bigger issues in the world. Don't get me wrong, I care about animals -- just not celebrities' animals.

8. Napping. Really, this is totally underrated. I would suggest everyone try it more often.

9. Halloween Planning. I think I may decorate the house, although I'll probably be out trick-or-treating (a/k/a "Operation Get Daddy Needs Some Snickers") with the progeny. I haven't sorted out costumes, although I think that Kiefer Sutherland might have already locked up "Halloween Costume of the Millenium" award:


10. Work. Oh yeah, that. Yes, I've actually been doing some work, notwithstanding items 1-9. I will not re-hash matters, but things have been better recently. I'm headed to Shit Louis next week,

The Week's Recap

So Monday and Tuesday I enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with the BPB. And by "enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with" I really mean "got kicked in the nuts." Honestly, those two days were some of my worst days at my job. My stomach was in knots all day, I didn't sleep much, and was generally on edge and short all day long. I got positively reamed for something I worked on briefly over 3 months ago and which recently surfaced. I honestly didn't do anything wrong, but the BPB entirely blew things out of proportion and grilled me nonetheless for something that wasn't my fault. After talking down to me a couple of times, I was assigned a bunch of inane, busy work as my penance, which occupied most of Wednesday.

Today was much better, though, as highlighted by the BevoMo's insane 5 cent wine sale (buy one wine bottle of certain wines at regular price, get another bottle for a nickle). Seriously, how can you not love that? But after Tuesday, I was tempted to eat some "Angry Dog" supplement food myself:

Yes Virginia, It Is Monday ....

It's not three hours into the work day and I've already had an awkward call with my boss (hereinafter referred to as the "Bi-polar Bear or "BPB"). You ever have one of those calls where you cringe the entire time and then thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. baby jesus once it's over? It was like that, but more painful. It's like the feeling every male gets when they watch the answering machine scene from "Swingers" (which remains the most painful scene in movies, worse than Ned Beatty's infamous scene in "Deliverance"). Oh well, I guess I will torture myself further by watching what I'm sure will be a significant Ireland loss to Argentina in rugby. Happy Monday!

P.S. This cat is supposed to be a moving gif file, where the cat repeatedly throws punches. Still funny but not what I thought I had posted. Ugh, this day is not going well.

Go Bears!

My California Golden Bears, ranked #6 in the nation, beat #11 Oregon in Eugene, Oregon for the first time since 1987. It was a fantastic game which went right down to the very end. I swear the last 15 minutes of the game aged me about two years.

I figured with the road win, Cal might move up a spot. But then it seemed like this was "College Football Upset Weekend." There were numerous upsets among the Top 20, which will only help Cal's ranking:

#3 Oklahoma lost to Colorado
#4 Florida lost to Auburn
#5 West Virginia lost to #18 Southern Florida
#7 Texas lost to Kansas State
#10 Rutgers lost to Maryland
#13 Clemson lost to Georgia Tech

Jesus Christ, Cal could be as high as #3 with all the losses! They haven't been ranked this high since they were #4 in December 2004 which Cal fans will long remember as the season they got fucked out of a BCS bowl game as a result of the obscene lobbying by Texas (don't get me started). Assuming Cal doesn't stumble the rest of the way (and that's a huge assumption), Cal's game against USC could have national implications. Win it and Cal would likely go to the BCS championship. Lose it and Cal would have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. The last time Cal was in the Rose Bowl, it was 1958 and my uncle Frank (who's now 70) was the starting offensive tackle for Cal.

September Statistics

September flew by for me, so here's a quick summary of how I spent my month:

26: Number of Rugby World Cup (RWC) games I have watched.
6: Number of RWC games I have yet to watch in order to be fully caught up (if I stay up all night tonight, I can get caught up I think).
7: Number of wineries that I went wine tasting to last Friday (no, I wasn't driving).
24: Number of days that my sister came out to do research in California.
40: Approximate number of bottles of wine that were consumed during said visit (this is a conservative number).
1: Number of wine glasses broken.
1,035: Number of expletives uttered (again, this is a conservative number).
8.35: Average hours of sleep my sister gets (seriously, who sleeps 8 hours a day?).
10: Number of episodes of "Arrested Development" which we watched over the past week.
0: Number of times that I dreaded her visit and wished she were home already.

We had a really nice visit, she heads back on Saturday and I'm a little sad. It was a good trip (although my memory might be distorted a bit by the wine), but it will be nice to get my house back to normal. For now, I think I will console myself with the New Zealand vs. Scotland rugby match and 8 hours of sleep (whatever that is).

Is It October Yet?

I am alive and well kiddies. I've been enjoying the past couple of days without my crazy boss and catching up on all the game for the Rugby World Cup. I've actually been watching an average of about one or two per day over the past two weeks, which has been great but really eating into my work productivity and blogging. For those that care (i.e., no one), Ireland has been shite the entire tournament, which has really bummed me out. Watching them squeak past Romania and Namibia was embarrassing, and then we got blown out by France. Ouch. Oh well, there's always 2011.

I've also been preoccupied with my sister's visit, which is in its third week. She's been out doing research and so far, the trip has gone really well. She's been gone all day -- thereby allowing me time to catch up on the rugby -- and has been really easy going. The several cases of wine that we've gone through hasn't hurt either. Anyway, she leaves soon which is kind of sad since it's been a good trip and we really haven't spent this much time together since we were in high school (class of '85, fuck yeah!). I was fearing the worst, like she would burn down my house after falling asleep while smoking in bed or inviting over a bunch of tranny burlesque performers after a late night show, but it's really been uneventful (other than the plentiful deposit of empty wine bottles in the recycling bin). There are a few days left for her to fulfill her manifest destiny, so perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon.

Oh well, anyway I am alive and doing well. Certainly better than Courtney Love who appears to have burned her mouth on a piping hot apple pie from McDonald's. Ouch! Be careful next time Courtney!

Cheney: Iraq is a "Quagmire"

Below is some seriously fucked up video footage of Dick Cheney explaining the difficulty in invading Iraq. In this interview from April 15th, 1994, Cheney reveals the reasons why invading Baghdad and toppling Saddam Hussein wouldn't be a great idea. He also stipulates that "not very many" American soldiers' lives were worth losing to take out Saddam during the Gulf War.

Here's a partial transcript of his interview:

"It's a quagmire if you go that far and tried to take on Iraq. The other thing is casualties. Everyone was impressed with the fact that we were able to do our job with as few casualties as we had. But for the 146 Americans killed in action and their families, it wasn't a cheap war. And the question for the President in terms of whether we went on to Baghdad and took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein was 'how many more dead Americans is Saddam worth?' and our judgment was 'not very many' and I think that we got it right."



It's hard to believe that a man as principled as Dick Chaney would have a fundamental change of heart just six short years later after GW was in office. So I guess by "not very many," Chaney misspoke and really meant to say "3,000 more casualties."

And I'm sure it's a total coincidence that the very next year, Cheney -- who had no prior business experience -- left the Department of Defense to become the CEO of Halliburton Co., one of the biggest oil-services companies in the world. Under Cheney's leadership, Halliburton moved up from 73rd to 18th on the Pentagon's list of top contractors. The company garnered $2.3 billion in U.S. government contracts in 1995, which almost doubled the $1.2 billion it earned from the government previously. According to the Center for Public Integrity, under Cheney's leadership the company also received $1.5 billion worth of assistance that year from government-sponsored agencies such as OPIC (Overseas Private Investment Corporation) and the Export-Import Bank, a huge increase compared to the $100 million that the company had received in federal loans and guarantees in the five years prior to Cheney's arrival. Years later, during a vice presidential debate with Joe Lieberman in the 2000 campaign, Cheney increduously asserted that "the government has absolutely nothing to do" with his financial success as chairman of Halliburton Co.

Cheney's integrity can also be seen as Halliburton honorably plead guilty to criminal charges that Halliburton *allegedly* violated a U.S. ban on exports to Libya by selling Col. Qaddafi six pulse neutron generators, devices that can be used to detonate nuclear weapons for which Halliburton paid a stiff $3.8 million penalty to settle the *alleged* violations. Hello, that's almost a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR penalty they had to pay. And you can bet that they learned their lesson and that that would be the last time that Halliburton ever tried to pull anything shady with the U.S. Federal Government ever again.

"Really Honey, You Shouldn't Have ..."

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jon Stewart to the Rescue

In the latest news of the great, Jon Stewart is set to host the 80th Academy Awards in February. The host of "The Daily Show" took charge of the Oscars for the first time when he presented the 78th Academy Awards. Telecast producer Gilbert Cates says, "Jon was a terrific host for the 78th Awards. He is smart, quick, funny, loves movies and is a great guy. What else could one ask for?"

[ Editor's note - If Stewart is so "smart, quick and funny" explain to me why where we subjected to Ellen DeGeneres last year? ]

Stewart adds, "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm!"

Of course this gives me the perfect opportunity to post a totally unrelated YouTube clip (a/k/a "blog filler") of Jon Stewart sorting out U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East. Ta da!

I Am Frightened ...

So I just found out that my department will be having a mandatory retreat in the Ozarks in early November. Yes, David James is headed back to Missouri, kiddos. Hello freezing weather and awkward three hour bus ride with the Bipolar Bear. God, I am not looking forward to this trip and am positively frightened about spending 48 hours in what I can only imagine is a scene out of Deliverance. God help us all.

Other random things that scare me:

* Ray Lewis (circa 1999)
* Naked guys who eat tofu hot dogs
* Amy Winehouse
* This catfish:

Cal 45, Tennessee 31

My California Golden Bears avenged last year's season-opening loss to Tennessee by trashing them 45-31 yesterday in Berkeley. In the game, DeSean Jackson had this insane 77 yard punt return, where he repeatedly juked his way free in a series of moves on the way to the end zone. And despite Brent Musberger's atrocious call ("Shake and bake!"), I could watch this video over and over again.

And in fact, I have.

Week In Review

Wow, what a crazy week this has been. On the bright side, I have friends that are having babies and quitting jobs they loathe (congratulations again to Kate and JP, respectively). On the negative side, others of us have been dealing with sick parents, crazy bosses, insanely hot weather and jobs that they loath (but unfortunately cannot quit).

Speaking of jobs, I returned this week after a 24-hour trip to STL, which included a stilted 3-hour (!) dinner with my boss followed by an inane 6-hour meeting the following day. It was during the same trip where two co-workers were almost brought to tears by my insane boss. He also made another person almost miss his plane flight out of St. Louis so he could visit his family for one day before he heading to Singapore for a week to work on some crazy deal. My boss kept him at the office an extra half hour -- while a cab was outside waiting to take him to the airport -- talking about non-substantive stuff that could have been handled over the phone on the way to the airport.

You can't even comprehend the feeling I have each time when I leave -- it's an odd combination of utter joy, sheer exhaustion, couple with a significant dose of disgust (from the food, the people, the airport, the weather). It's like that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank Prison -- "Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too." Leaving STL is really very similar to that experience, it's shitty and no one else wants to imagine what it's like. The only thing missing is the part where I retire to Mexico and live off a boat there.

What's Going On ....

So quick update, my dad was doing a bit better this weekend after going to the ER on Friday afternoon. He was in pretty good spirits today, which happens to be his 67th birthday. So I swung by with the kids this afternoon, with gift and birthday cupcake in hand. It was the cupcake purchase which led to the following interaction with my youngest progeny:

O: "Who's that cupcake for?"
Me: "That's for grandpa's birthday."
O (sounding like a young Veruca Salt): "I want a cupcake, too!!!"
Me: "Well it's grandpa's birthday, so why don't we let him eat it?"
O (thinking fast): "But that cupcake won't be good for grandpa, he's sick."

Ahh, my lil' doctor ... always looking out for her patients' best interests. I never knew that they started putting some sort of kidney rejection serum into cupcakes! Not only was she alert enough to warm me of the latent danger, she was also gracious enough to offer to dispose of the harmful baked good. And to think I was never made aware by his doctors. So go suck on that Stanford Hospital!

Worst. Conference. Call. Ever

Dearsweetlordjesusinheaven, please kill me. I'm working with my crazy boss to make some changes to a contract document, and it's just brutal. I'm in minute 90 of a what will be a three hour call. I imagine a bear mauling would be more comfortable. And about 10 minutes ago, he uttered the fantastic line "we've almost got the contract down to one page, that would be hot."

"Hot?" really, would it be hot? Funny, I never thought of contract documents as possessing personal qualities such as hot, cool or sweet. Also, what 48-year old man talks like that? It's like I'm on a call with Paris Hilton, except she would know more about contract law. Zing!

I'm Back

So real quick, I made it back from my vacation to Ireland (had a good time but am exhausted) and then I found out that my dad had a kidney transplant the day I was returning (he's doing okay). So while there's a lot to write about, I'm not much in the mood. Sorry about that, but I will write further shortly.

Good Morni..., uhhh, Afternoon

It's only 2:00 and already it's been a long day. I'm wrapping up (or at least trying to) a bunch of stuff before I go on vacation and I keep thinking of stuff I need to do. Oh well, shit will be waiting for me here when I get back I guess. I'm not certain that I will be able or inclined to post anything while I'm on vacation, so this might be the last bit you hear from me until late next week (or if the plane crashes, ever). I should have some good travel stories, though, to share if I make it back safely. Chat with you soon.

Helps A-Comin' for GW!

Awesome title and corresponding photo. Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.