My Celebrity Train Wreck List

I cannot believe I am about to do this. I swore on my children that I would never waver in my belief and allegiance. And yet, I can no longer continue to believe the way that I do.

For years, Michael Jackson has been a solid #1 on my list of celebrity train wrecks. There were so many contributing factors - his obsession with make believe and fantasy; his ever-changing grotesque appearance; his penchant for sharing his bed and bodily fluids with underage boys; his pet chimp Bubbles and Neverland Ranch; the criminal allegations; his bizarre parenting style; etc. Shit, the list goes on and on and on.

But for the first time ever, I think he may be displaced. I’m going to go out on a limb and state that we have a new reigning Champion of the Insane -- and her name is Britney Spears. You could point to a number of escalating high profile wrecks (the frequency and severity of which both seem to be increasing): her predictably awful marriage to Wigger-iffic Kevin Federline and subsequent separation; her generally bizarre behavior, including having her babymaker photographed repeatedly by the paparazzi; and her rapid transformation from sexy vixen to bloated, pasty redneck. And now, in the span of about 48 hours, she checked herself into rehab; exited said rehab the same day; shaved her head herself; and then got a tattoo while ranting “I don't want anyone touching me! I'm tired of everyone touching me!” Fantastic.

You don’t understand how serious and fundamental a shift this is for me. This is like me rooting for the Yankees in baseball or USC in football. To not rank Michael Jackson at #1 flies in the face of all reason. I’m terrified at which other of my long standing beliefs would change next. Will I suddenly find Scarlett Johansson hideous and Paris Hilton hygienic and admirable? I shudder the thought.

With that preface, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the new “Top 10 Celebrity Train Wreck List” TM:

1. Britney Spears
2. Michael Jackson
3. Lindsey Lohan
4. Courtney Love
5. Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown
6. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes
7. Nicole Ritchie
8. Mel Gibson
9. Tara Reid
10. Mariah Carey

Honorable mention (in alphabetical order): Paula Abdul, Danny Bonaduce, Pete Doherty, Nick Nolte, Charlie Sheen and Sharon Stone.

As an aside, I should note that Anna Nicole Smith would easily rank in the top 5 (perhaps the top 3) if she were alive. However, the Top 10 CTWL is reserved for living celebrities only, otherwise we would have to expand the list to include a whole bunch of other celebrities who died on their way to Crazy Town.

Feel free to comment, supplement or mock as you see fit.