The Graduate (Redux)

In today’s “News of the Bizarre” it was announced that “Sea Of Love” star Ellen Barkin has signed on as the latest leading lady for the second sequel to “Ocean's Eleven.” “Ocean's Thirteen” (the obviously named sequel to “Ocean's Twelve”) will feature Barkin, who will be stepping in to replace former leading ladies Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones and will get closely involved with Matt Damon's character Linus Caldwell.

When I read this news my jaw nearly hit the floor. I could hear myself screaming in my mind “what in the fuck is wrong with these people?”

Yes, this is the same Ellen Barkin who was in “Diner” and “The Big Easy” back in the 80’s. As in twenty years ago. And she wasn’t hot then at all. Rather she had that uneasy fish-like look. Her eyes are way too far apart -- almost like their on opposite sides of her head -- and her mouth looks not unlike a carp’s. You know, it’s the same look that Cameron Diaz has co-opted, some 20 years later, although we still try to convince ourselves that she’s attractive. Ick.

Look, I get the whole “older woman, insecure younger guy” social/sexual taboo thing. I actually liked it when they originally did it and called it “The Graduate” (although I was scarred for years when I saw “Harold & Maude” in high school). But who in their right minds wants to see a half-nekked Ellen Barkin doing a knock off impression of Sharon Stone ala “Basic Instinct 2?” I mean, if you’re going to have someone nude and throwing themselves at Matt Damon, can we at least make it Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson? Hell, I'll settle for any actress that doesn't bear a striking resemblance to Nemo.