It's About That Time ...

I get tons of mail asking “David James, when will you be traveling next so we can read about your latest dreadful flying experience?”

Well good news boys and girls, that day is today (Thursday). I am headed to Washington, D.C. for a little R&R (i.e., drunken weekend) with friends. And with the recent departure of one of my friends and colleagues from work (including the assumption of much of his work), I am certainly in need of a drink (or five).

I prepare myself mentally for the trip by telling myself that nothing out of the ordinary will happen. Of course, I also tell myself that Scarlett Johansson will soon fall under my spell, so it’s clear that this tactic has a less than stellar track record. But a fella can wish, can’t he?

It’s 6:00 a.m. and the security line at the Oakland airport is a mile long. And people are grumpy. I’m like “Hey people, we’re all in the same boat. Yes, I know it’s early, we haven’t had coffee yet, and we’re all getting on the crazy flying machine/death trap. But calm down and just deal with it.”

Even though I’ve flown what seems like a thousand times, I forget to take my laptop out of my bag and place it in a separate bin for scanning. I don’t know why, I simply forgot. They usually remind you as you prepare to pass through the x-ray machine, but I can’t blame them.

And since I forgot to remove it, I need to go through special security during where they ask “Do you have a laptop in there?” I am going to give you a quiz as to the my response. Please see if you can guess: (i) the proper response, and (ii) the response that went through my mind:

(a) “You’re the one with the goddamn x-ray machine, what the fuck does it look like?”
(b) “No, it’s a homemade bomb designed to look like a laptop.”
(c) “Yes, there is. I forgot to remove it sir.”

Answer (c) it was. And it’s really silly since they didn’t don’t do anything special other than wipe down my laptop with a swab looking for bomb residue (hence my reluctance to respond with answer (b). The conduct another scan of my laptop using the same x-ray machine and pronounce it safe. While I’m in favor of airport security it really is silly sometimes.

Before getting on the plane, I conduct my regular visual scan of my fellow passengers to see who I’m invariably going to be stuck sitting next to. Let’s see …. there doesn’t appear to be a local sumo team on the plane … no apparent Al Qaeda operatives … hmm, there’s a woman that’s traveling with her little yip dog, but since she’s not carrying a cane, I’m assuming that it’s going to be checked. Otherwise, I can’t seem to spot any other social misanthropes. Wow, am I really going to have an uneventful flight? If so, whatever will I write about?

I happened to sleep for a couple of hours on my flight, so I missed irregularities. But I did manage to observe the following when I was awake.

* Yes, as luck would have it, the owner of the tiny yip dog is seated right in front of me. And to my surprise, so is her precious little dog. I stand up to get a closer look and it’s a Chihuahua. I hate Chihuahuas.

* About halfway through the flight, we suddenly experience really bad turbulence. For some irrational reason, I figured there wouldn’t be any because we weren’t landing in Denver. I was wrong. And it turns out the yip dog doesn’t like turbulence either and is letter its owner know by barking. Fantastic.

* There’s a 50 year old man reading a magazine of some sort having to do with some sort of comic book/video gaming convention and he’s paying close attention to the ads selling superhero costumes. I would bet my 401(k) that he’s never been laid. And if he has been laid, I’m certain that he had to pay for it.

* Oh my god, I think the dog just crapped. Disgusting.

* The approach into DC was awful. We bounced around for a solid 10 minutes before skidding to a safe landing. After an hour wait for my bags, I was finally off to sunny (and muggy) DC. Not having seen the sun for the last 2 weeks, I actually welcomed the warmth and humidity. Go figure.

* * * Warning * * *

This is the annual boys’ birthday weekend in DC, where I get together with some of my old friends and have a great time. The warning part has to do with the fact that DerekB and I will be jointly blogging about the adventure, along with some running commentary by VMD and JM. The post (if published) will likely appear sometime on Sunday or Monday. That being said, it should be noted that this site represents the official voice of the weekend. Anything contradictory which appears on okletmejustsaythis is likely a figment of DerekB’s imagination, including any drunken photos (which are likely doctored). Please disregard. That is all.