Last night as I was making my way in the house, I found another dead bird on my front porch in almost the exact same spot as the one I found on Christmas. I thought the double homicide/suicide was a bit of an odd coincidence, so I decided to research the literary/dream symbolism of a dead bird. Perhaps there's a deeper meaning.My rudimentary research indicated that the dead bird, as it appears in literature and in dreams, symbolizes "lamentation over lost innocence" (or "maidenhood"), as well as "lost love."
As much as I hate to disappoint my readers, I must admit that I lost my maidenhood a loooong time ago (sorry ladies). And I wouldn't call Scarlett Johansson dating Josh Hartnett "lost love," per se, although I guess that could change if she were to marry that loser.
Since that didn't really explain things much, I then began to ponder the "how" and "why" of it all. Most notably, "why am I getting weekly deliveries of dead birds on my goddamned front porch?" After considering the various possibilities, I concluded that one of the following was the answer:
Conclusion 1 - The roof of my house is made out of some mysterious, toxic substance which instantly kills birds on contact. Awesome. Now if I could only find some more of that goop to slather on Ann Coulter, I'd be very pleased.
Conclusion 2 - Some asshole is distributing dead birds in my neighborhood like some sort of fucking Johnny Appleseed. This would be equally awesome except for the fact that I'm the only one that appears to be regularly receiving these little gifts.
Conclusion 3 - A neighborhood cat is trying to curry favor with me by leaving me dead presents on my doorstep on a daily basis. How sweet. While I would prefer chocolates or flowers, I guess a dead bird would have to be considered a unique present. I can't honestly say I've ever received them before.
I'm going to have to choose conclusion 3 since it's the only one that will allow me to sleep at night.
Righteous!
7 comments:
For some reason, I pictured these birds flying into one of your windows but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
And, I always pictured you as a virgin. Thank you for wrecking my dream.
I would think the same thing regardig the window, but there's none right there. It's the same spot, but it's actually a few feet away from any wall/window of the house. Weird.
Sorry to wreck your dream of knowing a "Thirty-Something Virgin," but hopefully Pat Robertson can help me reclaim my virginity. Or at least explain what the hell is happening to birds in my neighborhood.
I once had the same trouble with dead little birdies outside my house. The bird would see its reflection in the window and thought it was another bird staking claim in the 'hood. So it would repeatly fly into the window unti it killed itself. I had to put up blinds in order to stop the genocide.
Scarlett is lovely isn't she? She has taken over Angelina's former role of women I would cross over to the lesbian side for.
Maybe those birds are reading your blog and throwing themselves into your house.....that or they want to be with "Daddy"
Anonymous is funny!!!
Very funny. Anonymous is going to be sleeping wth James in NY.
You don't have to be so coy. Just say that you want to sleep with Derek. If James bunking with me means that you and Derek finally get to spend time together, then let me help you make that happen.....by the way, how long before you publish your own installment of "Man Candy Monday?"
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