Is It Friday Yet?

Too swamped to post, so I've added a picture of my favorite ballerina. This work job thing totally sucks these days.

Sign of the Times

Even though I just saw a sign the other day for sub-$3 gas here in the Bay Area, I would totally put out for free gas. Weren't we supposed to have that whole teleportation thing figured out by now?

The Daily Show's "Desperate Soundbights"

The quote at 3:11? Awesome ... yet depressing at the same time.

Can a Mourner Get a Table Dance?

In keeping with this week's theme of awful news originating from Asia, China has started cracking down on striptease acts at funerals.

In the latest news of the depressing, it was announced that striptease send-offs at Chinese funerals may become a thing of the past after 5 people were arrested for organizing a "nuderal" (my term, don't steal it) for a local farmer.

Police swooped last week after two groups of strippers gave "obscene performances" at a farmer's funeral in Donghai County, Jiangsu province, Xinhua news agency said.

The disrobing served a higher purpose, the report noted.

"Striptease used to be a common practice at funerals in Donghai's rural areas to allure viewers," it said. "Local villagers believe that the more people who attend the funeral, the more the dead person is honored."

Striptease shows at funerals also offer the additional benefit of being able to look naked women for free, but why quibble over their stated intent. Sure I was bothered by the atrocities of Tiananmen Square, but this sent me over the edge. If an honest, hard working peasant can't get a lap dance at a funeral, then by god the communists have truly won.

As an aside, if they get groups of strippers to draw attention to a dead farmer, what do you think they have in mind to attract viewers for the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing? God only knows, but let's just hope that Angelina Jolie happens to be in the area next summer adopting another baby.

(Thanks to VMD for forwarding the article - outstanding find).

Herro Paris!

In connection with Sanrio's recent announcement that they would be making a Paris Hilton version of the famous Hello Kitty doll, Sanrio recently released this photo. For some reason, Sanrio only plans on offering the doll in Japan, which I think is pretty petty for having lost the Big One to us, but oh well. Anyway, I do like the fact that Sanrio is making the doll with two friends -- Tinkelbell, her bladder-challenged Chihuahua, and Crabby, her happy social disease that lives under Paris' dress and who says "hello" every so often to Paris' boyfriends. There's hours of enjoyment to be spent watching Paris, Tinkelbell and Crabby avoid the paparazzi and appear on Internet sex videos! Fantastic times await.

Hillary Has a Nice Bust

I'm talking about The "Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton" sculpture which is on display at the Museum of Sex in New York. What did you think I was talking about?


The piece was suuposedly inspired after actress Sharon Stone said Hillary could never be president because she is a sexual being.


I'm sorry, are we talking about Hillary Clinton or Hilary Swank? Because I can definitely understand the latter.

Free Willy

Cleto Dias, a 44-year-old Argentinean man with 37 children, has filed a request with the Argentinean authorities requesting that he be sterilized.

For the last 14 years he has been living with three women simultaneously. These days Mr. Dias is no longer capable of memorizing the names of his offspring, not to mention the dates of birth. Not surprisingly, Mr. Dias admits that he has never used condoms in his life and says he has no money for buying contraceptives because he has a large family to support. According to Mr. Dias, he makes only 1.5 Euro a day by painting walls.

"It’s hard to stuff too many hungry mouths with food every day," Mr. Dias was quoted as saying by Spiegel Online.

Good god, can you imagine the insane family bed that dude must have? You know I'm not a doctor, but I think that there is an easy cure for his problem: stop fucking. Don't cut your juevos off, perhaps simply try pulling out just a wee bit earlier or, to play it safe, simply masturbate. Although based on how horny this guy appears to be, it's safe to say he will beat his dick like it owes him money.

Run For Your Life, Hello Kitty!

In the latest sign that we have all collectively lost our minds, Paris Hilton has apparently been given her own line of Hello Kitty figures by Sanrio.

Despite being swamped at work, I searched the Sanrio website in vain - the only thing I could find was some Hello Kitty fashion show which featured Ms. Paris as a runway fashion model. (I guess there's no accounting for taste).

Anyway, if true, it appears that the dolls have got similar blonde hair, purses, and even their very own Tinkerbell. How cute. And by cute I mean "nauseating."

I just wonder when Paris' "My Lil' Crotchless Panties" and the "Hello Kitty Lip Gloss and Penicillin Set" are being introduced.

Steven Colbert on Floyd Landis

Hilarious.

Separated at Birth - The Mel Gibson Edition

See if you can distinguish Mel's recent mug shot vs. the photo of "Squiggy" from "Laverne & Shirley" fame. Don't stare too long, otherwise Mel's creepy "I swear I wasn't doing anything wrong in this van parked outside an elementary school" picture will make you permanently blind.

Travel Diaries - Costa Rica

Hey kids, I'm back in town, rested and tanned from eight days in Costa Rica. I had a fantastic time, even though I am missing (in no particular order) the Maxi-Bodega, Willie the Insane Driver, “Fingers,” and Guaro. Thanks to everyone (A.S., B.G., C.M., G.B., M.S., and S.S.), who went to CR as well. It was also great catching up with A-Train and M. on the trip, who joined up from Panama.

We stayed in an amazing/huge condo near Jaco, which is a beach town on the Pacific Ocean side of Costa Rich that's known for its surfing (more on that later). It was an amazing, event-packed trip over the 8 days we were there, so I’ll just break up the highlights over a few posts. What follows below is a quick synopsis of the water-related adventures, including pictures. Land-related aspects of the trip -- including, without limitation, my hand feeding monkeys and risking my life for sport -- will follow under a separate entries.

On our 3rd day there, the crew of the “Spanish Fly” (I’m not making this up) took a group of seven of us out. When they say deep sea, they mean it. I estimate that we were at least 15 - 20 miles off short.

Note to my readership - do NOT drink to excess the night before you head out on an all-day deep sea fishing. Trust me, it’s about as wise as sharing a hypodermic needle with Tommy Lee. I was green the entire way out, but managed to rally once we started cruising.

Now for me, this was my first time deep sea fishing. But having watched “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” for years when I was a kid made me an expert, at least in my mind I was. That notion was quickly disabused when we snared our first fish -- a huge sailfish -- which I got the honor of reeling in. I like to think I’m pretty strong and in good shape, but that thing just wore me out. After what seemed like an hour of struggling, I finally reeled the sailfish to the port side of the boat, at which point the real fisherman brought him into the boat long enough for me and A-Train to pose next to it:

BTW, I think this photo also qualifies for my first HNT posting.)

As you can see, the monster was huge. It was about 8 feet long and was estimated at about 100-110 lbs. Since we were releasing everything we caught (sort of a marine recycling program), "Henry" took Jaws and placed him over the side of the boat in order to get water back in its lungs and then release him back into the ocean, As he was doing this, I saw that he was starting to slip in so I instinctively grabbed his feet to so save him. He then gives me this look like “what the fuck are you doing, gringo” at which point I realize he actually is intending to get into the water with Orca, the killer sailfish. “Knock yourself out,” I think to myself.

Holding the fish by its 2 foot bill, Henry yells at me to jump in.

I’m like “are you fucking kidding me?” David James is not a huge fan of oceans, nor is he a big lover of large marine wildlife that bears a striking resemblance to a shark.

“You need to jump in to take a photo with the fish,” another crewmember admonishes me.

Powered by peer pressure and adrenaline, I jump in the water and swim over to the fish, as does A-Train … even though he had nothing to do with catching the fish. Some people are just camera whores.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On the day before we left, I figured I would try my hand at surfing. Despite living most of my life in California, I am almost embarrassed to admit I’ve never surfed before. I’ve also never visited Alcatraz nor gone wine tasting in Napa Valley either, but we’ll just keep that to ourselves. I have a reputation to protect here.

For those that have never tried it before, surfing is really hard. It takes balance, stamina and a lot of experience before you really get the hang at it and are any good. It’s even more difficult to cut one’s surfing teeth in an a region that’s known for its challenging waves and avid surfing scene. But when in Rome ….

A.S. is a great surfer and was a patient instructor. After some basic instruction (“avoid drowning,” “try not to embarrass yourself”), I headed out to the not-so-deep blue. It was difficult at first, but I slowly got the hang of it after much trial and error. I don’t have an actual photo of me surfing (thanks for nothing B.G. and S.S.), but I imagine it looked a little something like this:

Okay, I didn’t actually surf a 30 foot wave, but I did see some 6 - 8 foot waves, which were large enough for me. I did avoid drowning and didn’t make a total ass of myself, so all-in-all it was a successful first time.

More content and photos to follow, including the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

I Blog, Therefore I Am

I am back, boys and girls ... ladies and gentlemen and refreshed from a great vacation. While it's tough beig back at work today - well, it's only 2 days so I'll just nut up and deal with it. Blogger is acting up, so I can't post any photos. So there goes half of my blogging content. Oh well. I'm still digging out at work, but I will get some new content and photos up ASAP.

<-- Insert Witty Title Here

Just wanted to give you all a heads up that blogging will be a little sporadic this week (I know, what's new about that announcement?) as I am traveling. But I hope to post as soon as possible, including photos and funny things from my Disneyland trip ... more crazy things that Republicans do and say ... and, uhh, whatever else I seem to be writing about these days.

RIP Asshole

There's an old adage - never speak ill of the dead. And at the memorial ceremony for Enron founder and corporate douche bag Ken Lay, that maxim was strictly followed.

The offensive article can be found here, but I've detailed some of the salient highlights below for your reading pleasure, as well as a few editorial comments.

(As an aside, it might be fun to engage in a little drinking game as you read this article. Simply down a shot of your favorite alcohol every time I use the word "fuck" and see if you can still blow 0.08 on the breathalyzer - I bet you can't.)

* Lay's stepson David Herrold told the nearly full First United Methodist Church in Houston that Lay was wrongly convicted, and that he was angry about the portrayals of his stepfather in the media. "He did have a strong faith in God and I know he's in heaven, and I'm glad he's not in a position anymore to be whipped by his enemy," Herrold said.

Uhhh, hello David ... Lay was found guilty on all six counts of conspiracy and fraud by a jury of his peers ... he was ruled guilty of four counts of fraud and false statements in a separate bench trial ... and he was a little over 3 months away from his sentencing. How in the fuck can you say he was wrongly convicted? "Whipped by his enemy?" Are you talking about the federal prosecutors? Or the angry 4,000 employees that lost their jobs and retirement savings? Help me to understand this one. And also, how in the world can you presume that he (or anyone else) is already in heaven? Don't get me wrong, it's awesome that you have that divine vision that allows you to do that, but let's keep it on the down low until after the body is cold. People are still a little bit worked up over ol' Ken (see: James, David)

* Lay was a longtime friend of the Bushes, contributing to their political campaigns and was nicknamed "Kenny Boy" by President George W. Bush.

Okay, this snippet just made me fucking ill. I guess it's a requirement that every incompetent fucking FoB ("Friend of Bush") gets some retarded nickname like "Brownie" or "Kenny Boy."

The article should have also pointed out that -- in addition to giving him a silly ol' nickname -- Bush also signed a law in 1999 deregulating Texas electric markets, which, coincidentally enough and shortly thereafter: (a) caused energy prices went through the roof ("Hello massive Enron profits", and (b) caused Kenny Boy to return the favor by becoming one of the largest contributors to the Bush-Cheney 2000 presidential campaign (his donation history shows he contributed a staggering $651,760 to Republicans). Odd coincidence that all is.

* The ceremony started slightly late after former Houston Mayor Bob Lanier collapsed in the aisle as he entered the church. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and an announcement made later in the ceremony said he was in stable condition.

This was probably the most ridiculous part of the article. What grown man swoons at another grown man's funeral, like he's a pre-pubescent teenage girl at a "New Kids On The Block" concert. Fucking nut up, Bobby Boy (or would it be "Lanie"?).

* The Reverend Dr. Bill Lawson compared Lay with civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus Christ, and said his name would eventually be cleared. "He was taken out of the world right at the right time," he said. "History has a way of vindicating people who have been wronged."

Wait, there's more hyperbolic goodness:

"The folks who don't like him have had their say. I'd like to have mine ... (Like Jesus Christ) he was crucified by a government that mistreated him."

Okay, this comment was so fucking insane and over the top, that I simply had to disregard it in its entirety. I dunno Reverend, last time I checked, I really don't recall Jesus being the cause of rolling blackouts in Nazareth or MLK making $42 million in salary or dumping $300 million in Enron stock. I'm pretty sure that Gandhi was indicted, but then again I'm really bad on history.

* Reverend Steve Wende, pastor at First Methodist Church of Houston which Lay attended: Lay was "in many ways a great hero to me."

Memo to dumbfuck Reverend Wende: please note that to others, Ken Lay was the worthless piece of shit that headed the company that manipulated energy markets, defrauded investors, and ruined the lives of thousands of employees. Oh well, you say po-tay'-toe, I say po'-ta-ta.

Enjoy hell, Ken Lay. I'll see you soon. Let's hope they serve beer there.

Pirtes of the Caribbean: Dirty Feet Walking

A more Disney post will follow, but I thought I would post a Disney-related item in the interim. Keira Knightley meet my good friend, sandals.

Ick.

I Am Alive

I swear I am. I know it's been a long time, kiddies, but work has been crazier than Tom Cruise (if that's even possible). But there's some good news on the horizon: (1) it's Friday, which means that everyone in my company will soon stop working after lunch, and (2) I'm headed to Disneyland this weekend which means good blog content next week, plus I ..., uhh, the kids get to ride on the new Pirates of the Caribbean ride. They/we/I can't wait.

And just because ...

Keith Olbermann Rips Bill O'Reilly a New Asshole

I think the title pretty much speaks for itself. Personally, I'm waiting for the celebrity pay-per-view boxing match, which I hope is forthcoming.

More Reasons To Hate Dianne Feinstein

As a follow up to yesterday’s blog, I decided to post some more information as to why I strongly dislike good ol’ Dianne and why she is so distrusted by the political left. Feinstein, who has a track record of compromising with Republicans, is considered very pro-business and has sponsored or voted for a bunch of legislation which has been very unpopular within her own party (Source: Wikipedia):

* She has voted for most lawsuit reform measures and was a co-sponsor of the Class Action Fairness Act of 2005.
* She voted for the first tax cuts in 2001
* She voted for the Medicare Prescription Drug Improvement and Modernization Act in 2003.

My biggest pet peeve is that Feinstein supported the war in Iraq . She has since claimed that she was misled by President Bush on the reasons for going to war. My response - no shit. That didn’t stop Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA) from voting against the war from the get go.

The Center for Public Integrity has reported that Feinstein and her husband, Richard Blum, are making millions of dollars from Iraq and Afghanistan contracts through his company, Perini. There have also been critics who argue that Feinstein's support of policies that are friendly to the Chinese government are because of her husband's extensive China-related business holdings.

Senator Feinstein was the original Democratic co-sponsor of a bill to extend the USA Patriot Act. In a December 2005 statement, Senator Feinstein stated, “I believe the Patriot Act is vital to the protection of the American people.”

ACK!

Feinstein is a supporter of capital punishment and, as noted yesterday, she was the main Democratic sponsor of the failed 2006 Constitutional flag burning amendment. Defenders point to her record on other issues: abortion rights, she voted against NAFTA, the Defense of Marriage Act, school prayer, welfare reform, and the 2005 bankruptcy bill.

Honestly, those stances are nothing special. Her pro choice position is an absolute non-starter for any politician in California. And her opposition the Marriage Act is not the same as being a proponent for gay marriage (unlike Gavin Newsom). Prayer in public schools? As one who attended public school in Oakland, CA for eight years, I was only interested in praying that I wouldn’t get my ass kicked after school.

It should be noted that she is not warmly embraced by Republicans, though. Gun rights organizations, who say that her proposals on gun control are unconstitutional, have alleged that Feinstein herself is hypocritical for making such proposals despite having had a concealed carry permit -- difficult to obtain in California -- during her tenure as a San Francisco politician.

All in all, she’s your typical career politician who basically lucked into her two biggest positions:

(a) Mayor of San Francisco. San Francisco mayor George Moscone and supervisor Harvey Milk were assassinated in November 1978 by a rival politician, Dan White, who had resigned from the Board of Supervisors only two weeks prior -- as president of the Board of Supervisors, Feinstein automatically ascended to the mayoral position.

(b) U.S. Senator. Feinstein won a special election to fill the California Senate seat which became vacant in 1990 when Pete Wilson was elected Governor of California. Ironically, Wilson’s opponent was Feinstein, who ended up with the political door price of U.S. Senator.

It goes without saying that I think it might be time for Dianne to retire and go quietly into the sunset. Having just turned 73 last week (Happy Birthday Di!), I’m praying she doesn’t pull a Strom Thurmond and try to hold on for another 30 years.

Double ACK!

Dianne Feinstein -- #1 On My Shitlist

Fuck it, we'll continue with the political blog since it's an election year and there seems to be an unending supply of entertainment.

It was just announced that the Senate rejected a constitutional amendment that would have given Congress the power to ban flag burning. The tally in favor of the measure was 66 to 34, just one vote shy of the 67 votes required for a two-thirds margin of approval. Such a majority would have been necessary in the Senate and House before a constitutional amendment could have been sent to the states for ratification.

The amendment's advocates have been promoting it for years and had hoped that Republican gains in recent Senate elections would get them to the two-thirds threshold. Thankfully, there were 3 GOP senators who broke ranks and provided crucial votes that thwarted the measure.

That's not to say that Republicans lost entirely. The still got in some great sound bites for the mid-term elections this Fall:

"Old Glory lost today," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.), one of the amendment's prime backers. "At a time when our armed services are defending America's freedom in the war on terror, it's unfortunate that a minority of my colleagues blocked" the proposal.

President Dimbshit expressed regret that the amendment failed. "By showing respect for our flag, we show reverence for the ideals that guide our nation," he said in a statement. "We show appreciation for the men and women who have served in defense of those ideals."

Of more disgust to me was the support thrown to it by Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California. She spoke of picking up a newspaper in 1945 and seeing the now iconic photograph of Marines raising the American flag on Iwo Jima. "For me, at that time as a 12-year-old, and for the nation, the photo was a bolt of electricity that boosted morale," she said. "Its symbolism of everything courageous about my country was etched into my mind for all time."

Feinsten (who has evolved into a female version of Joe Lieberman over the years) argued that the amendment was "no slippery slope" toward an erosion of rights and that "protecting the flag will not prevent anyone from expressing his or her point of view."

Holy shit. I can't even fathom that she actually believes what she's saying. Jesus Christ, Dianne -- you're a Democtratic Senator from California, not Mississippi for crying-out-loud. You're not running for national office, so there's no need to pander to the Religious Right.

Ridiculous.

Where's Jesse Helms When You Need Him?

For those that love Southern Republicans -- and honestly, who doesn't -- you have to read this fantastic story about the run for the North Carolina House seat held by two-term Democratic Rep. Brad Miller.

His opponent is Vernon Robinson, who once introduced himself to voters by declaring: "Jesse Helms is back! And this time, he's black!"

Now it strains logic as to why anyone would want to compare themselves with Jesse Helms, the former NC senator who, as the article points out, fought civil rights legislation, laws to protect homosexuals from discrimination and funding for AIDS research -- but we'll put that aside for a moment to focus on the truly offensive part.

It seems that Robinson has waged a brutal offensive campaign against Miller, which has included suggestions that Miller is gay. In one radio ad backed by mariachi music, Robinson says, "if Miller had his way, America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals." And in a mass mailing, Robinson suggested that "childless" Miller had "gotten into bed" with a male blogger from San Francisco.

It's odd, but Robinson's campaign somehow omitted the little fact that the reason that Miller and his wife do not have children is that she had a hysterectomy more than two decades ago.

Oops. I'm sure it was an oversight.

But wait, there's also the "issues page" on his website where Robinson notes that "Vernon Robinson has been married for 23 years (to a WOMAN, of course)."

Lovely.

The only redeeming part to this is the fact that his own party in the state wishes he would shut the fuck up and leave the state entirely. This is made even better when you click on the "Endorsements" page of his website where it notes "Stay tuned for endorsements!"

You would think Tom DeLay has some spare time on his hands to lend this fuckwit an endorsement. What ... can't Strom Thurmond lend his support from the grave? Jesus people, this guy is going to save us from the gays! He needs your help!