It's Not Me, It's You

Belated Happy Holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas/Boxing Day)

2008-12-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

Ugh, it's me. This blog has recently reminded me of the girl you dated for a while and really hit it off. Then you neglected to call for a few days which then became a week, which then became two weeks. And then a month. Do you call her back or simply say "screw it" because it's been so long and now things are really awkward when you call? Will she even answer the phone? What the hell do you say after seven weeks of total radio silence?

"Happy Holidays." ???
"Sorry I've been such an asshole." ???
"Shit, did I really miss your birthday? Guess I owe you another present." ???

Anyway, I'm callin.., uhh, writing to say "Hi. It's been a long time. Sorry I've been delinquent. There's really no excuse. It's not you, it's me. Hope you're still checking to see if I am indeed alive. Will write again soon."

Lazy Sunday

2008-11-09T09:12:00.000-08:00

The list of "Things That Creep Me Out" is pretty long and I'm still pretty exhausted from my trip, but I just saw this unusual little play doll that pees vigorously after you feed it liquids.

And by "unusual" I really mean disgusting.

Be back this week with real, live commentary. I promise.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

... and at the rate I am posting these days, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and so on.

Part of it has been the crush of work which has seen my on 11:00 p.m. conference calls twice this week (thanks!). Part of it's family, hobbies, life and laziness.

But part of it has been due to the fact that there are many political sites out - Huffingtonpost, Daily KOS, ThinkProgress, etc. - there that do a fantastic job and which already echo my sentiment. But since I will be in Finland next week for work and unable to closely follow the election coverage next Tuesday, I thought I would throw in my own early prediction.

To respond to Kate's and others' concerns about jinxing the election, let's face it -- this thing is entirely over. Non-partisan polling is leaning decidedly towards Senator Obama. Obama is a lock in the Northeast (PA, NY, NJ, ME, VT, DE, MD, CT, etc.), the West Coast (CA, OR, WA, HI) and the North Central (IL, IA, WI, MN, MI). Those states alone total 257 electoral votes.

This means that if Obama wins any of the following states, he will win: FL, VA, OH, CO, NV, NM, NC, or MO. And Obama has polling leads in each of those states. He has commanding leads (5%+) in OH, CO, NV, NM and narrow leads in former red states like NC and MO.

Will he win all of them? No. I still believe in the closet racist vote. But there's almost no way for McCain to win/cheat in all of those states.

So if they announce next Tuesday that Obama wins either Florida (2% pt lead) or Virginia (6% pt lead) as is currently expected, then the election will be all but over and we're headed towards a landslide. Even if not, Obama would have to lose the entire "middle" and that seems highly, highly unlikely.

I'm personally predicting a pretty sizable victory for Obama. By my calculations, Obama should end up with around 349 electoral votes -- and upwards of 364 or so if everything breaks his way -- which is more than Truman, Kennedy, Nixon, Carter, or GWB got in their first term elections. Which is pretty amazing with all of the racism and false information being circulated these days. It's been so bad recently, that I decided to take a huge break from it all, so maybe it's a good thing I'll miss things next week. Anyway, get out and vote (although you probably already have) and watch CNN non-stop on my behalf.

It's Over

2008-10-16T09:56:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know that we still have 19 days until the election, but the fact is that this race is all but officially over: Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States.

Fivethirtyeight.com has Obama with a 95% winning percentage. With leads in traditional Republican states such as Florida, North Carolina and Virginia, Obama's lead is almost insurmountable at this point in time. McCain has to produce a video of Obama wearing a turban and a "Free Iraq" t-shirt while raping a white woman. Absent that, November 4 looks to be a landslide victory.

Personally, I have a lot of mixed emotions about the election at this point in time. I am *really* excited that the McCain-Palin combo is not going to be leading our government for the next 4-8 years. I am surprised that this country is actually about to elect a person with brown skin president, although it took a highly educated (Republican translation "elitist" and "well spoken") and superior candidate to do so.

At the same time, I am outraged that we've had to deal with stupid, racist shit like this in the campaign:

And let's be honest, I am also a little nervous as to what's going to happen the next four years since Obama has been handed a huge mess by GW to clean up. Seriously, things are fucked up beyond comprehension and no matter what Obama does, it's still likely to be a mess in four years. Don't get me wrong, I but into his leadership and vision and all that, I just know it's going to be a tough road, even more so with opponents eagerly looking to say "I told you so" when even magic pixie dust couldn't make things right.

And at the same time, I'm kind of sad because I will miss stupid shit like this:

Goodbye Sarah Palin. I'm looking forward to never hearing your voice again.

Palin: Being Gay Is A Choice

2008-10-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

Despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary, Sarah Palin still believes that homosexuals choose their sexual orientation. In yet another video clip as a result of her recent interview with Katie Couric (as a side note, how long did she interview her for)

Palin: "I have, one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years who happens to be gay."

Translation: "I will now make up a story about a token gay friend. Ewww!"

Palin: "And I love her dearly."

Translation: "And Jesus hates her dearly."

Palin: "And she is not my "gay friend."

Translation: "Now Katie, what is that PC term that folks use to describe female homosexuals? I know I shouldn't use the expression "bull dyke" but it's the only thing I can think of."

Palin: "She is one of my best friends who happens to have made a choice that isn’t a choice that I have made."

Translation: Despite all scientific evidence to the contrary, I believe she chose to be gay. I also believe in talking snakes and that men and dinosaurs roamed the Earth together 6,000 years ago. Now mybe if she were cuter and thinner, she would attract a man that would cure her of her 'choice.' Oh well, I'll pray for her."

Palin: "But I am not gonna judge people."

Translation: "But Jesus will. Prepare to burn in Hell, lesbo."

I also love the part where she says "I don't know what prayers are going to be answered and not answered." Whew, that's a huge relief. Because otherwise you would be some sort of God-like entity, which scares me almost as much as you being president does.

I honestly do not believe a single word that this woman just said. Seriously, I thought "thou shall not lie" was one of the Ten Commandments. Perhaps the Wasilla Bible Church changed that commandment to "thou shall not have butt sex with another man."

Anyway ... the whole "gay choice/screw what science says" approach she employs is so Medieval and outdated. Does she seriously believe that? In his comedy CD "Shut Up You Fucking Baby," David Cross has a great bit where he dispels the scenario where someone would choose to be gay (and later discusses the stereotypical, effeminate "gay" voice. Warning: NSFW language):

McCain Solves Health Care!!

2008-09-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

Here's an awesome video of McCain espousing his healthcare solution: turn Wal-Mart into an emergency room. I'm fucking serious .... that's really his suggestion, I am not making this shit up.

Whew, I'm really glad we got the health care crisis all figured out. Perhaps McCain will also suggest that Target become a bank or that Red Lobster start issuing commercial paper. When is that going to happen?

Reason # 461 Why John McCain Is A Total Train Wreck

2008-09-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

Despite McCain's own proclamation that he is "not an expert on Wall Street” and “not an expert of some of this stuff” [ Ed. note: what "stuff" is he talking about? Finance? Counting money? Come to think of it, when was the last time Johnny actually checked his bank balance or paid a bill? Insane. ], McCain inserted himself into the Wall Street bailout negotiations (a/k/a "Project Lipstick On The Financial Pig"). Despite having little familiarity with the issues and a shallow understanding of financial markets, McCain was able to broker a deal which brought peace and prosperity throughout the land.

Oh wait, strike that last comment. Instead he sided with House Republicans who opposed the bipartisan efforts to solve the financial crisis by instead offering their own plan involving tax cuts and further deregulation. Brilliant.

Seriously, our economy - which is already in dire straits - is going to be seriously fucked if this guy is elected president. Honestly, this is shaping up to be the most important election of my life time. Dear little 8 lb. 6 oz. little baby Jesus ... please, oh please, do not let this dude win.

"Alask's Proximity to Russia Certainly Does Give Me Foreign Policy Experience"

2008-09-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

This video is jawdropping. Katie Couric gave Palin an opportunity to defend her widely ridiculed prior claims that Alaska’s proximity to Russia and Canada provides her with some sort of foreign policy experience. My favorite parts:

- "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries — they’re in the state that I am the executive of." Jesus, she talks like a 15-year old.

- She claims that Putin flies over Alaska which, I guess, suddenly makes her Henry Kissinger. Who knew?

God, please let this nightmare end. I promise to be good (I'll even stop stalking Scarlett Johansson). Just, please make this all go away.

Palin, McCain ... Then Pray For Rain

2008-09-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Over recent weeks, much has been made of the fact that Sarah Palin attended 5 colleges over 6 years. So below is a comparison of the educational backgrounds of what will be out next President and Vice President (thanks to VMD for the source):

Barack Obama:
Occidental College - Two years
Columbia University - B.A. political science with a specialization in international relations
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cum Laude

Joe Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in history and B.A. in political science
Syracuse University College of Law - J.D.

vs.

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank 894 of 899

Sarah Palin (a/k/a Caribou Barbie):
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general studies
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in journalism

And just for shits and grins, here's the Libertarian ticket:

Bob Barr:
University of Southern California - B.A.
George Washington University - master's degree in international journalism
Georgetown University - J.D.

Wayne Allyn Root:
Columbia University - B.A. political science (I don't know who is either but found out that he was in the same class as Obama)

So it turns out that Palin only attended 4 different colleges -- not 5 --- over that fateful 6 year period of time. Obama, on the other hand, only went to Occidental for 2 years before he dropped out. And by my count, Obama and Biden went to as many schools (5 different schools) as did McCain and Palin. Magna Cum Laude vs. 894/899? This all really seems like a wash to me.

Punisher? I Barely Know Her!

2008-09-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

As further evidence that California courts are not soft on celebrity crime, it was recently announced that actor Thomas Jane plead no contest to drunk driving and speeding after he was caught driving at 120 mph on a California highway. Police stopped the actor twice on Interstate 5 last March for speeding. After a third stop, he was finally arrested for driving while drunk.

The star of acclaimed movies such as "Zack and Reba" and Jonni Nitro" had the book thrown at him as he was sentenced to: (1) one full year of probation (that's like 12 whole months of not fucking up), (2) $1,700 in fines (which is at least 0.000000003% of what he made for "Spider-man 3"), and (3) court-ordered alcohol abuse classes (seriously, do you remember what a drag school was?) Damn, California courts dropped the hammer on you, my man.

Oh, and two other alcohol and drug charges and two speeding tickets were dismissed. So not only are California courts harsh, they're also merciful at the same time. You go judge!

So remember this important lesson you celebrities: if you drive almost twice the legal speed limit while drunk and high, you will ultimately be arrested and made to pay a modest sum of money in order to get out of trouble. Imagine what would have happened to him if he had plead guilty instead of no contest? Seriously celebrities, don't even try to get away with that shit in California.

Hey Jyri, Pass the Reindeer ...

2008-09-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's been waaaaay too long since my last work-related travel woes blog. I used to write it mostly because I loathed Shit Louis and my utterly insane, bipolar boss. But I thought - "what the hell, I have a 16 travel day to Finland, there has to be something interesting to write about." Seriously, this blog has been shit recently so perhaps a return to a favorite subject matter (i.e., my mystery on a plane) will spark people's interest.

* My Sunday has been a total mess and I end up going straight to the gate and arriving about 5 minutes before my plane starts boarding. No time to grab food but I'm sure that there will be a hearty meal on the plane, right? Sigh ... I know that's unlikely but I can dream, can't I?

* The plane is packed and appears to be comprised mostly of young female exchange students and septuagenarians. Guess who I have the pleasure of sitting next to? That's right, a European Ernest Borgnine in drag.

* The stewardess is wearing a necklace that says "Jazzercise" on it. Really? Is that the current exercise fad in Europe? What, no "Tai Bo" bracelet? Now I would totally understand if she were 13 or mentally diminished or from the outskirts of the Ukraine. But she's American. I'm guessing she's from Houston instead. I'm also guessing she has 13 cats and was too embarrassed to wear wrist charm with the names of all 13 cats. I'm going to go out on a limb here guess that the list of names include Boots, Smokey, Tyrone, and Mr. Gibbs.

* One of the oldsters sitting in front of me keeps trying to reclined her chair so she can lie horizontally. Sorry Madge, but you'll need to spend a few grand more in order to get those fancy reclining seats in business class. So until then, please stop bouncing back and forth like a goddamned hobby horse.

* I totally forgot that I signed up for special lowest meals when I registered. Good news - I managed to avoid the nasty roast beef and manicotti dinners, Bad news - I got a dinner subsisting of 1 oz of chicken, some side of white beans, carrots and tomatoes, and a began cookie. Oh yeah, and a salad consisting of lettuce and a lemon. Seriously, I think I ate 200 calories for dinner.

* I am 6 hours in to my 10 hour flight and I can't sleep. Not good. I start watching some horrible movie starring Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick where she gets pregnant - I think it's called "A Womb With A View" - and it's horrible. I seriously ponder plucking my eyes out.

* The woman sitting next to me has sneezed not less than 20 times. Cue the airborne virus in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

* And the insomnia continues. I somehow manage to stay awake for my entire 10:00-ish hour flight and have arrived at the Frankfurt airport where it's 7:30 a.m. It feels like someone poured Tabasco salt in my eyes. I sleep for another hour or so on the second leg of my flight and make it to Helsinki in one piece. Despite getting about 4 hours of sleep, I don't feel like total hell. The week should be a blur of work, travel and strange foods, but I will try to update this blog before I return next week.

Kiitos!

Bill O'Reilly, Turd Extraordinaire

2008-09-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

When Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy was revealed, Bill O’Reilly derided her parents.

“On the pinhead front, 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. The sister of Britney says she is shocked. I bet. Now most teens are pinheads in some ways. But here the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her or even over Britney Spears. Look at the way she behaves,” O’Reilly declared.

Now O'Reilly is singing a slightly different tune now that it is Vice President-nominee Sarah Palin's teenage daughter that is knocked up:

"Now, the latest thing is that people like me don't condemn Palin's family but we condemn other people who, uh, gave birth out of wedlock. I've never condemned anybody who gave birth out of wedlock. Ever in my life. I don't make those kinds of determinations. What I do say and, this nut Cynthia Tucker in the Atlanta Journal Constitution makes a deal out of this, I said that Britney Spears and what's her sister's name who's pregnant, their parents were irresponsible - Jamie Lee - because they were running around unsupervised."

Huh? He goes on to say:

"Yeah, I said that and I believe it. It has nothing to do with the Palin situation, okay? So, I mean, it just, it really, it makes me angry. I know what's going on. You know what's going on. Uh, and we're going to have to start making some people pay, you know, we're going to have to start to make some people pay because of the irresponsible attacks."

I love how he just turns it around with the "you know what's going on" comment. Nothing ceases me to amaze me anymore when it comes to these freaks, and it's only the beginning of September.

Uhhh, Hi Folks ...

2008-09-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've been offline for a long time due to a number of reasons (ill parent, Disneyland vacation, work), none of which has to do with the fact that there isn't a *ton* of politic things to comment upon. I missed so much over the past 3 weeks that there's no way to really catch up.

Of course, the Sarah Palin announcement has dominated the headlines recently. Like most people, I have experience an array of emotions: shock, bemusement, disbelief, relief, glee. More than anything else, I am deeply offended that Republicans actually think (or think that we are stupid enough to believe) that she is a surrogate for Hillary Clinton in an effort to reach out to her disgruntled political base. Really? It reminds me when G.H.W. Bush nominated the Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court to replace the late Thurgood Marshall. While they were quick to point out that the appointment preserved the existing racial composition of the court ("Hey, look, we got another colore..., uhh, African American judge"), they failed to point out that Thomas was undistinguished and thought to be unqualified for the job, and an ideological opposite of the legendary Marshall.

Palin is no Hillary. Not by a fucking longshot. The fact that Republicans are trying to proffer this political trainwreck as a replacement for Clinton is insulting. It's also a political "fuck you" to all the other qualified Republican politicians who are far more qualified than Palin.

I imagine that the Republican VP selection team process went a little something like this:

Staffer: "Okay, let's run through your potential running mates."
McCain: "I want a cookie."
Staffer: "We'll get you that right away, sir, but first the candidates."
McCain: "I was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton."
Staffer: "I am well aware, sir. Let's save that for the speech."
McCain:
Staffer (ignoring McCain): "Okay, candidate #1 is 4 term senator with substantial economic and foreign policy experience and who has a track recor ..."
McCain: "Next."
Staffer: "Alrighty, candidate #2 is a popular governor of a major swing state who has very high approval ratings and who..."
McCain: "Yawn."
Staffer: "Uhh, the third candidate is a former beauty queen but has limited .."
McCain: "Ding, ding, ding .... we have a winner!"

It's not McCain, it's you ....

Lunch With the Spears Family

2008-08-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me, know that I can be somewhat risk averse. For example, I've never gone sky diving or bungee jumping. I'm also not a huge gambler. (As an aside, I've never even been to Las Vegas, which people in California think is entirely insane).

Nevertheless, I would have taken everything that I own -- my house, my Prius, and my savings -- and wagered it all on the fact that Cheetos was one of the major staples of Britney Spears' family diet. Now I wouldn't be so bold as to try to predict which Cheeto type they regularly eat.

"I wonder, do they prefer original Cheetos or are they fans of the Flaming Cheetos?" (which are, as an aside, fucking awful)."

But there was no absolutely no doubt in my mind that she and her children were regular consumers of Cheetos.

And, thanks to "OK" magazine (what a dumb name), my firmly held beliefs were proven true. This photo is fantastic. You have to love the fact that the bag of Cheetos is prominently placed at the center of the table, just like a Thanksgiving turkey. She probably believes that Sunkist "orange drink" is the same as "fruit juice." The only thing which is even mildly surprising is that one of her handlers didn't have the common sense to at least make an effort to hide them off to the side.

Next proposition bet: will the Spears kids collectively weigh over or under 500 lbs when they youngest one turns 18. I'm taking the over. And yes, I am an asshole.

538

2008-08-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Contrary to logic, John McCain is making this election waaay closer than it should be. Seriously, are we really going to elect the seventy-something candidate that doesn't use a computer or the Internet? Thinking about that distinct possibility seriously makes my head hurt. The only thing which helps me sleep easy at night is the fact the latest election forecast, which predicts that Obama has a 63.5% chance of winning, based on the latest polling numbers.

This comes courtesy of my new favorite political website -- 538 -- which accumulates and analyzes polling and political data in order to provide an objective, statistical assessment of the likely outcome of upcoming elections.

Now, of course, this all goes out the window if some "love baby" pops out of nowhere for Obama (well, it's generally known where a love baby would pop out of, I meant more in the unforeseen sense). I also wouldn't put it past McCain and the RNC to do whatever it takes win, so I am bracing myself for an updated version of the awfulsome Willie Horton commercial, which should be airing any day now. There's a 36.5% chance that they will win while there's a 100% chance that they will pull out all the stops to do so.

Me Smog You Long Time!

2008-08-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

Despite my demanding semi-weekly blogging schedule, I still take time self-reflection every day and ponder my reasons for living. (Translation: I have an hour commute every morning and evening, am utterly bored with my music collection and local radio, and end up talking to myself like a crazy, semi-coherent homeless person.)

And it was during one of these moments of quiet reflection that I realized that I was perhaps being a little too harsh last week when I noted last week that Beijing is not what I would call the cleanest of cities. In hindsight, I worried that the nicknames I associated with Beijing (such as "Pigpen" and "Filthier Houston") were potentially hurtful and inaccurate. Maybe the pollution issue had been resolved by temporarily removing cars and halting manufacturing. Perhaps, I thought, I may have truly exaggerated the pollution problem.

That was until today, when I read the following article which suggested that there still might be a few issues with Beijing's air quality.

"Australian head coach Alan Thompson is searching for answers regarding the apparent pollution that has settled over the Olympic pool. The national team graced the Water Cube for the first time yesterday evening only to find the smog that has blanketed Beijing infiltrating the space-age aquatic centre."

That's right boys and girls, the smog has actually invaded the aquatic center -- which is an entirely enclosed facility. Seriously, the pollution has actually seeped into the indoor facility.

Evidently, there are no indoor fans which push the smog/soot ("smoot"?) outside the indoor swimming facility. But I'm sure that the amount of pollution is having only a negligible effect on the athletes, right?

"About half of the Australian swim team have respiratory problems and the thin blanket of pollution is a concern with the swimming program starting on Saturday."

I guess it goes without saying that I should never second guess my first instinct. This is going to be an awesome party. They should have changed the Beijing Olympic slogan to "Come for media censorship and human rights abuses, stay for the smoot!"

The Dark Night Review

2008-07-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

So last night I became what was probably the 30 millionth person to see The Dark Knight, which was very, very good. Like everyone else, I thought Heath Ledger was amazing and shoe-in to garner award accolades. The Dark Knight is a great comic adaption, very dark and much more complex than your average comic-based movie.

Now I know it's a movie that is based on a comic book, so I accept the fact that I have to suspend disbelief and accept a few plot holes and goofs in the movie. And while I really enjoyed the movie, I am not sure it lives up to its Titantic-sized hype.

For example, IMDB has this as the highest rated film of all time. Now it was a fun movie, but seriously, the best of all time? Hello, have people already forgotten about Maid in Manhattan and Short Circuit 2? What is wrong with you people?

Other issues I had with the movie:

* I enjoyed the movie, but it was way too long. You could have easily cut out 20 minutes and tightened up the film. Of course, I might have already been fatigued by the seven (!) movie previews and six (!!) commercials beforehand.

* Maggie Gyllenhaall as the female love interest still didn't do it for me. Sure she was an improvement over Katie Holmes, but was Scarlett Johansson unavailable for the movie? However, if they rewrote the script so that the Rachel Dawes character gets attached by a bear, then I would have preferred that Paris Hilton be cast in the role.

* There were a bunch of small things that annoyed me. First, the mayor's eyes looked like he was wearing eye liner. I swear to God. It’s all I could focus on when he was on the screen. Also, Christian Bale’s voice when he was dressed as Batman bugged the shit out of me. And since when did Batman's costume go from tights and a cape to body armor? Hello, I liked it more last time when they called it “Iron Man” (which I actually liked more than the “Dark Knight”).

* At the end of the movie, the Joker protects himself using dogs. Dogs, really? Is that really supposed to stop anyone? Jesus, he’s Batman, not a postal employee. Batman fought ninjas in the first movie without any weapons and did just fine but now he can’t defend himself against three dogs.

* I sat in the 3rd row after showing up only 30 minutes early and there were a couple of scenes where I thought I was going to go insane trying to keep track what was going on. I realize that's my problem and not the movie's but still. Two weeks later and it’s still selling out on a Tuesday night. Insane.

Overall, it was a very good movie but I must say that if you take Heath Ledger out of it, it’s about the same as the first movie which was good but not great. Although if you replaced him with Cameron Diaz, I'm not certain I would notice the difference, physically speaking.

Ode to a Celebrity's Father

2008-07-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Mike Myers' indicated that his recent movie The Love Guru is a tribute to his late father. His father Eric died in 1991 following a long battle with Alzheimer's disease. The comedian admits he was so devastated by the loss he embarked on a journey of self-discovery to help him cope. And it was during this time in his life that he was inspired to create the character of "The Guru."

Myers explains, "I was devastated by his death. When my father died, I went on a little spiritual quest, just to try and make sense of it all. And, in many ways, The Love Guru is honoring him by dealing with his loss, because making silly movies is how I deal with things."

You know, I really hope that when I die, my son will be so moved to write, produce and act in such a jaw-droppingly bad awful movie. "Hey dad, I loved you so much that I made this turd of a movie to remember you by!" Jessica Alba could be riding around nude on a pegasus and I still wouldn't have any desire to see the film. Seriously, I would rather watch a video of my own prostate exam than watch this movie. But then again, it would help explain his other awful tribute films as "The Cat in the Hat," "Shrek the Third" and "Wayne's World 2."

Big Trouble, Dirty China

2008-07-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

In addition to being a political junkie (despite the absence of postings during the heat of the election), I am also a big Olympics addict, specifically, track and field which has been one of my favorite sports since high school. No one in the states seems to enjoy the sport (similar to rugby) until it's time for the Olympics. I've watched the Olympics for as long as I can remember, certainly going back to the days when McDonald's ran its Olympic price contests ("What's that, we won another gold medal in swimming? Hello free medium sized french fries.").

And this year, I plan on watching every minute of the Olympics yet again. Or at least I was planning on watching every minute of it until I saw this photo and noticed that there was a slight visual problem in Beijing:

Jesus Christ, look at the thick blanket of soot overlaying the city. It looks like it was taken in a chimney. Are they mining coal right next to the stadium or what?

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Beijing City officials have confidently predicted that air quality will be good for the Games. Drastic efforts to curb pollution include pulling half of Beijing's 3.3 million vehicles off the roads, closing factories in the city and in a half dozen surrounding provinces, and halting most construction in the capital.

That didn't quite improve things and so, starting July 1, Beijing banned approximately 300,000 heavily polluting vehicles, such as aging industrial trucks.

Fantastic idea. However, today's picture make it appear that someone dumped a million tons of charcoal ash on the city.

So today Chinese state media reported that drastic measures - such as pulling more cars from the roads and shutting down additional factories - could be taken if the air quality does not improve. Jacques Rogge, president of the IOC, has warned that outdoor endurance events will be postponed if the air quality is poor.

This is fucking brilliant. The Olympics are 11 days away and officials are basically casting all their hopes on a shutdown of all machinery in the city. I'm surprised that they aren't doing something high tech, like employing the efforts of a wind Shaman or buying a ton of electric fans.

Seriously, it's not like this is a huge surprise. Everyone has known that Beijing has huge pollution issues. It's like letting Britney Spears babysit your kid off and being surprised when he comes home smelling like Marlboro's and Cheetos. Enough with the mock surprise here folks.

Oh wait, this just in ... Olympic officials are alarmed at the number of people in Beijing. "Seriously, there are a shitload of people living here. We had no idea when we awarded them the games,' said one official on the condition of anonymity.

"Don't Hope For A Better Life"

2008-07-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding, i fucking love politics. Especially when you are gifted with such fantastic content such as this awesome biographical about John McCain.

Voiceover: "It was a time of uncertainty, hope and change. The summer of love. Half a world away, another kind of love .... of Country."
Translation: "While all the filthy, hippy communists such as Obama were getting stoned and enjoying free-love Woodstock, McCain made decided to serve his country by going to Vietnam and being tortured endlessly."

Voiceover: "... an American, a maverick."
Translation: "A true maverick, like the kind of person that refuses to use a computer or the Internet." (oh wait, perhaps that should be "nutjob").

Voiceover: “John McCain doesn’t always tell us what we hope to hear.”
Translation: "We will never, ever exit Iraq during our lifetimes. Don't even think about it."

Voiceover: “Don’t hope for a better life.”
Translation: "Fuck hope."

Simply awesome. The only thing that would make this better is if he could somehow reincarnate Jesse Helms and make him his running mate.

P.S. Did anyone notice that Jesse Helms died on the fourth of July? How did I miss this? Oh well, rot in Hell Jesse.

BONUS: Check out the armpit sweat stains at 0:18 of the clip. Jesus Christ my man, did you run a marathon before filming that or what?

Work Crap

2008-07-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in the San Francisco office today, where I go once per week in order to avoid the one hour commute (each way) to our offices in Palo Alto. I mentioned previously that on one occasion I was forced to share an office for a couple of hours with a woman who was doused with old lady perfume. Fortunately I manage to extricate myself from the office without any hurt feelings.

Me: "Hey there [ insert name ], I'm going to go get some coffee but I'll be right back. Do you want anything?"
Her: "No, I'm good. But are you sure you don't want to leave your laptop and all your belongings?"
Me: "Uhh, gotta run."

Since then I've specifically chosen to sit in different shared offices in order to avoid the perfume cropdusting. Today, I'm in the office adjacent to hers. Unfortunately, the odor wafts out her office door and somehow finds its way to where I am sitting. Either that or the overpowering smell is somehow forcing its way through the shared wall in order to poison me. I swear, the stuff has a mind of its own.

UPDATE: She just came in this office to ask me a work question. Ack. I am seriously considering abandoning all acceptable social conventions and wearing one of those surgical masks whenever I'm here. Hopefully it's more acceptable that I try to pass for "quarantined" as opposed to "nauseated."

John McCain "I Hate the Bloggers"

2008-07-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

“Now we’ve got the cables. We’ve got talk radio. We’ve got the bloggers. I hate the bloggers. We’ve got all kinds of sources of information.”

The feeling is mutual, dickweed. Please just do us all a favor and simply croak. Much thanks.

Best Regards,
David James

Hey, This Blogging Thing Is Fun!

2008-06-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

January 20, 2009. Only 200 more days left to go. I knew this guy was a moron long ago when asked during a televised Reublican debate as to which political philosopher or thinker he most identified with and why, Bush responded, "Christ, because he changed my heart." That's when I knew we would be in for some trouble. But good god, I'm not sure anyone could have predicted how awful the next 8 years would be.

Speaking of God and predictions (hey look -- a segue!), I have to revisit an earlier post where Pat Robertson boldly predicted that would be a recession in 2008. Bold prediction there, Pat. But to his prophetic credit, Robertson suggested that Americans would be paying much more for gas at the pump and that oil would reach $150 a barrel.

Don't get me wrong, I will be the first person to call bullshit on a dubious Pat Roberston claim. But here we are barely halfway through the calendar year and this prediction looks like a mortal lock. The price for a barrel of oil has hit $144 and the average gas price nationwide is around $4.10 per gallon. Nine months ago, gas prices in California were less than $3 per gallon. Now gas is $4.60 per gallon and it's more likely that I will sooner see unicorns running in the streets than the return of $3 gas.

You know, next time we concoct some made up reason to invade another country, perhaps we should choose one with an endless supply of oil. Like "Petrolia" or "Oilrabia." That would make more sense.

Holy. Fuck.

2008-06-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the politics theme, I ran across this awesome ad for eMobile (a Japanese phone company), which has a monkey politician stands before a chanting crowd holding up signs calling for "change."

Yes, that's right kiddos, the Japanese have produced a commercial featuring a monkey as an Obama-surrogate selling mobile devices. Fucking obscene.

As much as I love (a) monkeys, and (b) those insane Japanese game shows, this is pretty fucking ridiculous. Previously, a company in Texas was selling t-shirts which read "If Obama Gets Elected Will They Call It The "Black House'?" And we're still in June, boys and girls. This is going to be a long summer.

Sad or Hilarious? You Be the Judge ...

2008-06-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

This Daily Kos article perfectly illustrates why McCain is entirely out of touch with modern society and, by extension, would be a terrible President. A simple off-handed question about computers led to the following exchange:

Q: Are you a Mac or a PC guy?

A: Neither, I'm an illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance I can get.

What the fuck? Can a current Presidential candidate really be computer illiterate? I cannot fathom that my 5-year old is more fluent around a computer than McCain. Also, good call on disclosing the fact that you depend upon your prescription drug addicted wife to help you with technical matters. Perhaps when you're elected President, you can appoint Rush Limbaugh to your cabinet and they can compare notes as to how they illegally acquired prescription drugs.

So I'm thinking all of this was some sort of joke that McCain played on the interviewer. Or at least I did think that until one of his aides felt compelled to defend his boss' technology illiteracy.

"You don't actually have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country," McCain aide Mark Soohoo said. [...] John McCain is aware of the Internet. This is a man who has a very long history of understanding on a range of issues."

Note to Senator McCain -- computers and the Interweb are not a fad and do not steal your soul. You are an idiot. The fact that you are oblivious to this means you are equally oblivious to an entire generation that has grown up with these technologies. Honestly, computer experience and skills are so basic and fundamental these days that I don't see how anyone is hired for even an entry-level job without them. Even McCain's beloved military uses them (extensively, I might add). Good god, please-oh-please do not let this guy win.

Next blog -- there's good news on the Obama front ...

Dear God, It's Me David James ....

2008-06-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

You know it's been a long time since you've blogged when you can't remember your own blog address. Seriously, I should be fired from this job. Oh wait, I'm not paid. Yet. Never mind.

I won't post again about the cool aspects of my new job because, quite frankly, it's not that interesting and is repetitious (as most of this blog is, I guess). I will return to work snark, since most people can relate and, quite frankly, I am better at snarkiness than sycophantic commentary.

So I've started to work one day a week from the San Francisco office, which is huge because there is very little commute involved and the city is great. Nothing against Palo Alto, but it's not like I work near the cool area and there are only so many times that I can go to the same taqueria for lunch.

So I'm working from San Francisco, where we share a floor with some other tenants. Actual office space is at a premium and everyone shares offices, so I don't have any reserved or exclusive space based on my periodic visits.

This morning I had a conference call which began at 8:30 and, as always, I got to the office minutes beforehand. Scrambling to find some space other than the kitchen to take the call, the receptionist opened one of the shared offices and assured me that the people had been out all week.

As is always my luck, one of the true office holders shows up about 30 minutes into the call. Since all the offices are shared, it's not a big deal and we each settle into our own work areas.

I go back to focusing on my call when I start to notice that my office worker is wearing perfume. A lot of it. And it's not a soft, subtle perfume. Rather, it's a fairly potent old lady perfume which, evidently, is sold by the pint. It's a cross between Bloomingdale's fragrance section and a convalescent home.

Bless her heart, she's a very nice person but I find myself getting somewhat dizzy by the fumes. And every time she moves even slightly, the odor quickly spreads again through the 8'x10' office. Ugh.

I keep holding the coffee cup up to my face, pretending to take a sip but I'm really using it as a masking agent. It's akin to how drug smugglers use coffee beans to throw off drug-sniffing dogs by disguising the scent of cocaine, except in this case it's keeping me from going blind. Oh well, if I never post again you all will know what happened to me.

It's not me, it's her.

Grim Wednesday

2008-05-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am slowly coming to the sad and sickening conclusion that there is a very real chance that John McCain will be elected as our next President. My rationale for my depressing opinion will follow in a separate post, when I have more time to write. But for now, click on the above picture to see his short list of potential VP candidates. I got it from a relatively good source (thanks VMD!), so I'm pretty sure it's authentic.

Raven-McCain 2008!

Tuesday Work Musings

2008-05-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

So I have a short break between insanely early morning meetings, which gives me a chance to write a quick update about my new job.

So far, I love my new job. The people I work with are professional, polite and smart. Very smart. I work mostly with researchers and scientists, and these people are ridiculously smart and talented. To the point where I am starting to believe that I am the dumbest person at my job. They'll start talking about some crazy technology or licensing issues, and I know that my face conveys that I am a total idiot in comparison. I swear, even the receptionist knows more about patents than me.

This is in stark comparison to the folks I used to work with in my old job, some of whom I am confident were borderline retarded. Because of that, it doesn't feel like I've used my brain much the past couple of years. In comparison, I've already learned a ton of new stuff here, which is great. The subject matter is new and the environment in which I am learning is almost academic, which is appropriate since much of my work is dealing with universities.

I know, I know. Many jobs start off great and then tail off. But so far, so good. And it's nice not to have a narcissistic, insecure, bipolar asshole screaming at you for not reading his mind.

Separated at Birth - Donatella Versace

2008-05-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

.. and Janet from "The Muppet Show."

See if you can figure out which one is the Italian fashion designer and which one is the lead guitarist for the Electric Mayhem.

Hint #1: the heiress to the Versace throne is the surgically enhanced human that looks like a cartoon character. The other one is an actual cartoon character made of cloth. Whoops, guess that didn't help at all.

Hint #2: Try not to stare too long at the real Donatella or else you'll go blind. Seriously, it's like staring at the sun during a solar eclipse, but minus the piece of cardboard with the pinhole in it.

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-11T10:49:00.001-07:00

Observed on the second Sunday in May, Mother's Day is an annual holiday honoring florists, and marks the final date where retailers can rid themselves of the stale chocolates and heart-clutching teddy bears left over from Valentine's Day.

Seriously, it's a great holiday to remember one's mother. Here's wishing mothers (Kate, JP, and DG) and mothers-to-be (MS) a very happy Mother's Day. You are all fantastic moms and I hope you have a great day with your families.

Best Regards,
David James

Happy Friday

2008-05-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me how ... but I somehow stumbled across this gem late last night and, after watching it approximately, I can conclusively state that it's the best dog movie I've ever seen. Seriously, if this movie doesn't make you laugh, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Now I will admit that the dogs were treated in a very un-PETA-like way in order to get them to act this way. But if we as a country are willing to look past waterboarding and other inhumane torture, I'm sure we can turn a blind eye to the director's motivational tactics in this film. Besides, the shit is funny.

Happy Wednesday

2008-05-07T22:55:00.001-07:00

So working for a Finnish-based company, you often time have conference calls at odd times -- 6:00 a.m., 10:00 p.m. and the like. It's not a big deal because I can take them from home, as I do tonight where we are having our bi-weekly group call. The bad side is that Wednesday night is also rugby night, which is also a drinking night ... and then it's a conference call night ... and ..., well, you get the idea.

You would be proud of me, though. Tonight, I was very disciplined. I went to rugby practice, had a post-practice beer and headed home to get some dinner before my 10:00 call.

Until the point in time when I thought "well it would be a shame to eat dinner without a glass of wine."

And then I was like "well, my call is starting in 15 minutes, I'd better level off my glass since this call is going to last a hour."

Well as you can guess, David James was feeling pretty good during his call. Damn good, in fact, and the call was going fine, until I was suddenly asked "so what's going on with you, David James?"

Now normally I'm not so great when I'm put on the spot. It's even worse when I'm totally blindsided, I've had a couple of drinks, not to mention the fact that I am desperately trying to update this blog at the same time I sit on the call.

In my head I thought, "Jesus people, I have a world-wide blog audience that I am trying to satisfy here, folks. Stop harshing my mellow with all the work questions!!"

And what I said was more along the lines of "sure, let me update folks on the call about my current projects. Right now, I'm working on ...."

There are times when I want to shoot myself. This would be one of them.

Happy Wednesday / Thursday / whatever day you read this ...

Cinco de Mayo

2008-05-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo, ninos y ninas! It's Wednesday, so it must be time for a new post. Oh wait, you're telling me it's Monday? Jesus, I am horrible at keeping track of time these days.

So in today's "News of the Awful," it was announced that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds had just gotten engaged over the weekend. Reynolds is a slight upgrade over Josh Hartnett in that he isn't quite so squinty and disheveled. For Reynolds, this represents a massive upgrade over his last fiancee, Alanis Morissette. Hey Ryan, can you choose my next Powerball lottery numbers for me?

Normally, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to type such tragic news, but I figure that his washboard abs and a pearly-white teeth will get old after a while, and then the charm of my ..., uhhh, not so washboard abs and less-than-perfect teeth will woo her over. Ugh, never mind. I'm going to go drink now.

Holy Shit, A New Post!

2008-04-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

Since it's been at least a week since my last post (I don't even want to look at the date), it must mean that it's time for the obligatory post to let people know that I am still alive and well, despite my advanced age and insane amount of travel the past two weeks. I've been derelict in my writing duties, with most of my otherwise free time lost to my new job which requires me to focus during the day time (as well as drive to every day). The carefree days of working from home and focusing more on my Wii bowling score than my personal grooming are a thing of the past, boys and girls. Goodbye midday grilled cheese sandwiches and work wardrobe consisting of shorts and t-shirts. Hello collared shirts and non-Nike shoe apparel. Oh well. On the plus side, they have a fully stocked fridge, ample caffeine and free working lunches twice a week.

So far, I *really* like my job. I won't say "love," because that special word is reserved for truly special things, like unicorns and Scarlett Johansson. But I think that I'm going to really enjoy working here. The people are very nice and professional, and extremely smart. To the point where I wonder if I am the dumbest person working for the company. I'm not insecure by nature, but I sometimes wonder how I lucked out and got this job. It's insanely better than my last job. I'm learning new things each day and am actually using my brain for the first time in years it seems. So far, so good.

[ Editor's note - for the eight people that regularly read this blog, please make sure to bookmark today's entry for future reference when David James posts his umpteenth comment about how crazy his company is and how longs for a new job. We're putting the over/under at 20 months. ]

More Travel Funnery

2008-04-15T04:01:00.000-07:00

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

So after I posted yesterday, I hopped on a plane from Vienna (which for the life of me, I will always associate with Virginia rather than Austria) to Helsinki for the last leg of travel. After ingesting some sort of mystery sandwich, I quickly passed out to make up for my profound lack sleeplessness. After about 40 minutes of blissful napping, I was awakened by some sort of commotion in the plane. I awake sluggishly and look to my right to find that the woman sitting across the aisle from me is throwing up. Flight attendants are trying to help the bulimic woman as she empties her stomach, while passengers looked upon the situation with concern.

Was I concerned? No, unless by concern you mean "horrified and annoyed."

Hey honey, would it have killed you to get out of your seat and take care of your business in the bathroom, which was located DIRECTLY BEHIND your seat? Seriously, we're talking about 3 feet. It's not like someone asked you to land the fucking plane, simply exit your seat and scurry right behind you so we don't all have to see and smell the contents of your stomach?

Jesus Christ, why does this shit always happen to me?

The Birthday Man Cometh ....

2008-04-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

It finally happened.

No, not death by travel-induced exhaustion.

I turned 40 today. I spent my traditional birthday weekend in New York with good friends. It was a great time, highlighted by my performing karaoke with a live band at 2:00 a.m. in a New York bar. Suffice it to say, it wasn't my best performance (in fact, I was terrible), but it was a lot of fun.

But that was this past weekend and today (Monday) is my actual birthday. So how did I celebrate my actual birthday? Well so far, I spent it on a plane sitting next to a very nice, elderly Austrian man on a flight from New York to Vienna (on my way back to Helsinki) watching "The Hitman" over and over, unable to fall asleep. Meanwhile, my new friend who looked at "Enchanted" more than once. I say "looked at" instead of "watched" because he never put on his headphones. He simply stared at the screen. Old people are funny like that.

I've been bracing myself for this day for a while. I'm not sure what I expected would happen -- would gray hair immediately sprout out of my head? Would liver spots appear overnight? Would I start to walk hunched over with a limp?

In actuality, I feel and look the same as I did yesterday. But it's somehow anti-climactic. My friends know that I hate being the center of attention, but for once I'd like to have some sort of party. I mean, I'm fucking 40 now. By all reasonable estimates, my life is half over. I secretly would really like a big dinner with friends on my actual birthday. Instead, today I'll soon be back in Helsinki, the land of the vowels. I'll probably have dinner with my new boss (who I really like a lot), who is also in town this week. It's not quite the birthday bash I dreamed of, but it's better than eating alone again in a restaurant filled with people named Teppo and Paivi.

I'm still wildly lucky to have great family and friends, so I'll stop my complaining and go back to trying to quench my endless thirst for caffeine. Who needs sleep when you can drink coffee instead?

Dear Audience, It's Me Margaret

2008-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

So if a blog in the forest isn't posted to, does it make a sound?

It's been a loooong time since I've posted and a bunch of stuff has happened over the past two weeks:

* I finally finished up at my old job.
* While I was on vacation in between jobs, I caught some sort of bird flu/SARS/Ebola virus, which totally laid me out. Its been a long time since I've been this sick, which is now on its 9th day. At times I doubted I would live to make it to 40 (which is right around the corner).
* I bought a new car and otherwise spent way too much money.
* I started my new job this past Tuesday, and so far, it's a vast improvement over the past job. Employees like their jobs, my boss is nice and normal, and the work is interesting. Throw in ample amounts of free caffeine and it's pretty idyllic. I'm sure I will soon loath the commute, but for now it's manageable.
* I head to Finland on Sunday for 2 weeks of meetings and training.
* In between those 2 weeks, I will fly back to New York for my annual birthday weekend. Drunklairity to ensue.

So that's basically it in a nutshell. I'm still getting acclimated at work, but I will actually have the time and health to post more frequently. Jesus, I've just got to believe there will be some decent content as a result of my 40+ hours of flying that's scheduled over the next two weeks. And it can't be any worse than the past two weeks.

Éirinn go brách!

2008-03-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

Geez, where were we? Oh yeah, I quit this past Friday. I took the advice of Kate, DerekB and others and decided to take the high road when I resigned. I was pretty nervous about giving notice, but it went just fine and we were both gracious and said the right things. My last day is supposed to be next Tuesday but it feels like I've stopped working already. Email is barely trickling in and I'm so mentally checked out that it's ridiculous.

The only down side was that I didn't really get a chance to celebrate on Friday because we had a 9:00 a.m. rugby game (which we ended up winning 85-0, photo of me being chased is below), so I had to take it easy that night. However, I intend to make up for that tonight as it's St. Patrick's Day.

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona (Happy St. Patrick's Day to You)!

Blog It, Friendo

2008-03-12T12:51:00.001-07:00

I would do a "Separated At Birth" with Javier Bardem (from "No Country or Old Men") and my boss ... but I'm too much of a chicken shit to post his actual photo. Give me a couple of weeks and I'll show you the staggering comparison, especially the hair which is identical. They also sync up nicely, personality-wise, based on the movie. It's fucking eerie.

The Final Countdown

2008-03-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."
Kevin Spacey, "American Beauty"

I will be giving my resignation notice this Friday and I've been struggling a bit with what to say. Should I be honest about my opinion about my boss and what a psychotic, abusive prick he is? If so, I would draft my resignation letter a bit like this:

"Dear Human Resources,

It is with great joy and relief that I hereby submit my resignation effective March 25, 2008. While I have enjoyed working with many of the folks here at *****, my job has basically devolved into a lower level of hell while working for *** *** (a/k/a "The Bipolar Bear"). I would rather stick my hand in a wood chipper than ever work for this man again.

Regards,
David James"

Or do I just keep it simple and professional and exit gracefully? While I have no issues with burning bridges here such that you can see the smoke and embers for miles, I really don't think it will make any difference whatsoever. Everyone already knows he's an abusive asshole, I don't know that my reiteration is necessary (although it would be nice).

I'm really on the fence on this one so I would appreciate your suggestions.

Separated at Birth - Janet Jackson

2008-02-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

And in this corner we have Janet Jackson (Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty):

... and in the other corner, we have Senor Wences (s'allright? s'allright!):

Sweet lord in heaven, Janet, what the hell have you done to your hair? If you were aiming for the superbangs-mop combination wig look, you certainly found it. And despite the crazy hairstyle, she's still probably gets my vote as the sanest one of the Jackson Family. Good god, I can't believe I typed that. I think I need a drink now.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2008-02-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

Here it is boys and girls, my last work trip to St. Louis. Actually, I can say my last trip to Missouri ever because, having seen there multiple times, there's no way I would ever voluntarily go back and visit. I would charitably describe the state as an armpit. But what does St. Louis have to do with Torcher the lion dog? I have no idea. But he looks as bewildered as I will look happy when I get on the return flight to California on Tuesday. Fifteen days to resignation day.

Yesterday was Saturday. And Saturday is a rugby day. And with rugby days, bring injuries. The injury d'jour is my eye, which I managed to smash onto some guy's knee while I was kneeling on the ground. Silly me. The eye is swollen but the double vision has subsided. Still, I imagine that my eye is in way better shape than his knee. Should be fun times when the cabin pressure makes my eye swell up like a balloon. Can't wait.

Tales of my St. Louis follies to follow...

Obama Takes Wisconsin and Hawaii

2008-02-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was more good news for Obama, who won both the Wisconsin Democratic primary and the Hawaii caucuses last night, extending his winning streak to ten consecutive contests and dealing another significant blow to Clinton, whose candidacy now hangs on the outcome in Ohio and Texas. She's lost two of her key aids and is struggling to find her voice and regain momentum. Some have suggested that, for all intents and purposes, this race is over. Pundits have suggested that it's inevitable she go with negative attack ads, but she doesn't want to further increase her own negative approval rating as she could easily be the next Senate majority leader or potentially the nominee in 2012.

If Ohio and Texas do not go extremely well for her, at what point in time does she accept this and move on for the sake of unity and in the spirit of winning in November. I like both candidates, but the last thing I want to see is the two of them tearing each other down and depleting their campaign funds during the primary process. This election is for all the marbles, boys and girls. Let's hope the Dems don't screw it up again (see, 2000 and 2004).

The Perv of Wales (Revisited)

2008-02-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

"Ms. Johannson, meet Sir Charles, the Perv of Wales."

"Sir Charles, meet Scarlett Johannson's boobs."

Here's The Deal

2008-02-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

So I said I would post over the weekend -- and then, as always, I let down my readership (which is a cool term and implies that there are more than, say, six people reading this thing). No surprise there for those that have known me over the years. I am blond and from California, which makes me both dizzy and flaky, I guess.

Anyway, so here's the deal with the new job. I just accepted a position working for a large Scandinavian mobile devices company (whose name rhymes with "Mokia") supporting their research scientists and engineering groups. I know it sounds boring, but it's actually very cool, innovative product work that I would be working on (goodbye sales channel) and the people I've met with all seem very nice, normal and bright. I know, a stark contrast from my current situation where many of the people I work with couldn't spell "cat" if I spotted them the C and the A. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration but folks are definitely not splitting atoms at my company.

Anyway, I'm going to work on totally different projects, for a normal, respected company, and will even get to do some international travel. Next month I will go to Finland for two weeks, the dates I am still working on in order to make the annual New York birthday drunkfes ..., uhh, trip.

So the blog will change somewhat, as I won't be able to provide inane reports about my raving asshole boss, nor my thrilling sojourns to St. Louis. Goodbye Shit Louis, hello freezing Scandinavian country with 6 hours of sunlight in the winter. I'll still have crazy travel stories, but they'll involve people with funny accents and wooden shoes (that is Finland, right?).

By the way, enjoy this post while it lasts. I'm hesitant to discuss my new job, partly due to my innate paranoia that my bipolar boss will find out and fire me before my annual bonus is paid out (only 23 more days until March 14!) and partly due to my own equally irrational fear that I will somehow jinx things or wake up from my dream. But given that I met with them again today, saw where my office would be, ordered my computer and fancy new phone, I'm guessing that I only thing I really have to worry about is the BPB finding out and immediately firing me. I *know* the chance of that are remote, but he would totally do it if he found out. And if it did happen, the odds would be just as good that I would immediately fly to STL with a blowtorch and some pliers in order to go medieval on someone's ass. So let's just hope that doesn't happen so it doesn't put an unsightly blotch on my background check.

February 14th Day

2008-02-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

Today is a very special day, because it marks the 30 day countdown to the day that (1) I receive my annual bonus, and (2) I get to notify my company my bipolar boss that I am no longer working for his insane ass. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day, too. Happy Valentine's Day, kiddies!

Yes We Can

2008-02-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

You might have already seen Black Eyed Peas' frontman Will.i.am's video based on Barack Obama's "Yes We Can" speech. Directed by Bob Dylan's son, the video also includes Scarlett Johansson, John Legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Common, Herbie Hancock, Tatyana Ali and others as they recite and sing lines from Obama's New Hampshire primary speech over top of the Senator's original delivery, as seen on split screen. It's a bit corny, but I thought it was pretty cool and original nonetheless:

That is, I used to think it was cool and original .... until I saw that he blatantly ripped off the original version from John McCain:

Jesus christ, I honestly don't know how Will.i.am sleeps at night given such outright theft and plagarism. They should call his group the "Black Eyed Thieves!"

McCain/Huckabee 08-- they’re original, not to mention compassionate conservatives!

Potomac Primary

2008-02-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

Today voters in Maryland, Virginia and the District of Columbia will vote in the region's much-anticipated "Potomac Primary," which is turning into one of the most closely contested presidential races ever. Clinton has a slim delegate lead while Obama has the overall state lead (19-13).

Obama is favored to sweep the vote on Tuesday which will leave him in a virtual dead heat with Clinton. March 4 will be the next big primary date, where voters in Texas and Ohio will cast their votes. Like many Democrats, I've been really divided over the candidates. I mean, once Dodd dropped out, what was the point?

Obviously, I would prefer either candidate over GW fuckwit, but at this point I lean towards Obama, although it's admittedly for intangible descriptors like "hope," "charisma" and "leadership." I also think that Clinton is unelectable, as she would be a lightening rod for the Conservative Right and perceived as a divisive candidate whose moderate record is eerily similar to McCain's. And we saw what happened when "moderate Al Gore" ran against "moderate GWB." Hello eight years of misery.

But if I'm honest with myself, he's really not experienced enough to be president -- he has eight years experience in the Illinois Senate and only two years in the U.S. Senate. And if I'm further honest with myself, I really worry that many voters in this country are still backwards enough to vote for McCain because of his skin color (i.e., pasty white). But I'm getting ahead of myself, there's a nomination to earn first and he's barely half way there.

Ash-tastic Wednesday

2008-02-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

So today starts the first day of Lent. By now you know I'm not overly religious (unless by "overly religious," you mean "crazy atheistic"). But I did go to Catholic school for four years and am aware that there are 40 days of Lent follow Fat Tuesday. Now I've heard stories of what my devout (and not so devout) Catholic friends have given up for Lent - alcohol, sugar, etc.

And while I'm not overly Catholic (see above definition), I am pretty strong-willed and believe I could give up almost anything for 40 days. However, my inspiration for such would be in the form of a wager -- not some sort of divine penance.

Alcohol? Television? Junk food? Not a problem.

But despite my braggadocio, there are definitely a few things that I wouldn't be able to give up for 40 days:

1) Caffeine. I've tried it a couple of times and the closest I've been able to get is to give up coffee but not sodas (or vice versa). The first time I tried it I was moving in slow motion, like I was swimming in a sea of honey, and my head felt like it was full of wool. I would sooner give up breathing for 40 days than give up caffeine cold turkey.

2) YouTube. I'm not going to lie, my work productivity would probably be markedly improved if I had no access to YouTube. But then I would have less filler for this blog and I wouldn't be able to post great finds such as this:

3) Meat and Dairy. So I was working out at my insane gym the other night when I spotted a guy with a long ponytail wearing a white t-shirt with a hand-drawn message "Eat Vegan: Ask Me Why?." He was also sporting a "Meat is Murder" button which I found ironic since he was wearing leather shoes. Putting aside his tool-like hypocrisy, I asked myself the question "Could I give up all meat and dairy for thirty days?" and the answer was a resounding "no fucking way." Seriously, 96% of my diet probably falls within the broad category of meat and dairy. What's let? Legumes and tofu? Hmmm, I wonder what the best way is to prepare barley?

4) Britney Spears. Look, it's not like I want to learn anything more about America's favorite celebrity trainwreck, it's simply that you can't surf the Internet without seeing reading about her. Seriously, I dare folks to try. So unless I'm going to give up the Internet for 40 days, this one is simply unavoidable.

Let me know what's on your "oh hell no" list.

Arlen Specter, Thy Name is Asshole

2008-02-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

When it comes to national affairs, there are important matters for Congress. Like getting the hell out of Iraq. Like balancing the budget and reducing our insane debt.

And then there are REALLY important matters for Congress.

Like maintaining the integrity of professional football.

This past Friday, Senator Arlen Specter called on the NFL to explain why it destroyed evidence from the New England Patriots about a cheating scandal involving the surreptitious taping of other teams.

Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk. "Their antitrust exemption has been on my mind for a long time," he said in a Capitol Hill news conference Friday.

And while the CIA's destruction of interrogation tapes is a far more alarming and important issue, Specter instead chooses to focus on the NFL issue. "I do believe that it is a matter of importance. It's not going to displace the stimulus package or the Iraq war, but I think the integrity of football is very important, and I think the National Football League has a special duty to the American people -- and further the Congress -- because they have an antitrust exemption."

Give Specter credit for being able to distinguish between the impending national recession and the Iraq war and a sport. Well done, Arlen, for being able to differentiate between night and day.

Specter went on to overreach the relevance of Congressional involvement by saying, "I don't think you have to have a law broken to have a legitimate interest by the Congress on the integrity of the game. … What if there was something on the tapes we might want to be subpoenaed, for example? You can't destroy it. That would be obstruction of justice."

As noted previously, Specter evidently has a huge hard-on for getting into the shorts of the NFL. Sure, I would rather them waste time focusing on professional sports than, say, wasting billions of dollars "securing our borders" from the illegal immigrants. But, fuck, let's get our priorities straight here. Of course, if Specter is deluded enough to co-author the controversial and implausible Warren Commission report ("Single bullet, fuck yeah!"), then he's liable to believe that unicorns are ticketing his car. Who knows.

Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

Well, this is it boys and girls. Today votes in California, New York, Illinois, Colorado (what's up Denver?) and other states will cast their vote for the Democratic presidential nominee. Democrat delegates are won in proportion to a candidate's percentage of the vote, which will make it difficult for Hillary or Barack to pull very far ahead. Still, it will be a very telling day and by the end we should have a front-runner for the Democratic presidential nominee.

Clinton sports leads in three of the big four: California, NY and NJ, while Obama leads in Illinois. In California, her lead is very narrow. So if you care who you're next Democratic presidential nominee is going to be, so get out and vote. And then start inhaling gumbo and Hurricanes because it's Fat Tuesday, after all.

Omen-tastic Monday

2008-02-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

So I just received two magazines in the mail -- the same day I had yet another phone interview -- and on the covers are the following articles:

"How To Ace Your Next Job Interview"
"It's Time To Break Up With Your Boss"

Now granted, I could have written the second article ("Dear Crazy Boss, fuck off. Sincerely, David James), but methinks that this is an omen.

I quickly scanned the first article, which was pretty normal fare. I think things went well, but then I thought that there was no way that Gore would lose to GW. I hope to god that I'm not so mistaken this time.

I'm Off..

2008-01-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

... to meet with a prospective employer today. Wish me luck and hope that there are no questions like this during the meeting (warning: it has Richard Pryor in it, so there is some NSFW-ish language):

As an aside, I'm not sure if I should be more surprised that censors allowed this to Saturday Night Live skit to air 30 years ago or that there would be absolutely no way that this would make it on network TV today. Absolutely zero chance.

Mitt, Mitt, Go Away...

2008-01-29T23:56:00.000-08:00

A funny thing happened on the way to the White House ... Romney stumbled in Florida, Guiliani's candidacy is now officially dead (thank god), and it looks like we may have a potential McCain vs. Obama/Clinton showdown.

After watching this video of Mitt Romney actually effortlessly connecting with African American people, it's hard to imagine how anyone could choose decrepit McCain over Romney. It's smooth and non-forced interaction such as this that has Presidential material written all over it.

It's barely a half minute long, but it's really one of the most difficult things to watch. Seriously, I would rather watch my parents having sex than watch this again. I would *love* to see Romney trot out his "who let the dogs out?" routine with Obama. That would be fucking priceless.

Rainy Day, Go Away ....

2008-01-25T13:56:00.000-08:00

So Norther California is on day 110 of the rain watch. I write this fearing the day that the rain-soaked hills will give way and land a 100 foot redwood tree on top of my house. Or maybe, if I'm truly unlucky, my entire house will gently slide away down my street. I expect to wake up each morning and find myself living underwater, kind of like Atlantis or Water World (minus Kevin Costner's horrible acting).

Things are looking up on the job front. I had my review today which went well, although I'm sure it was aided by my boss' bipolar medicine. The reason I say that is that he was perfectly pleasant and made more creepy, insane statements. My favorite quotes from today "we both come from a caring and compassionate place" and "let me share something I learned from you."

This dude is Britney Spears delusional. I honestly don't know if he believes this shit or not, but I think he really does. Whatever, just keep popping the happy pills, my man, until I land that next big job. Meeting next week with another company, so keep your fingers crossed.

So Real Quick ...

2008-01-23T14:24:00.000-08:00

This just in, David James' Second Christmas was canceled when he received an email early Tuesday morning indicating that his boss' planned trip to Europe had been canceled. It's not quite as depressing at the Scarlett Johansson engagement rumors, but it's a nice kick in the crotch nonetheless.

Other bits and pieces from the Three Dot BlogTM ...

* I'm not sure I can add anything to what's already been written about the sad passing of Heath Ledger. However, I did notice that our friends at the Westboro Baptist Chruch (which is famous for protesting the funerals of AIDS victims and American military) has spoken out on his passing and it's as respectful and as sentimental as you would have thought:

I *really* wish there was a heaven and hell as these right-wing, WBC fuckwits believe, simply because then I could rest easy knowing that they would spend the rest of eternity with the likes of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Paris Hilton.

* Star magazine announced that Jamie Lynn spears will hand over her baby to her trainwreck mom Lynne to care for as soon as it is born so she can concentrate on her career. Lynne will then raise the child at the family’s home in rural Kentwood, Louisiana, away from Hollywood.

An insider told US magazine Star: "After several weeks of personal soul searching and talks and discussions with her mum Jamie Lynn reluctantly agreed that giving up the baby is the right thing to do. Lynne says Jamie doesn't understand the life long consequences of having a baby. She still wants her daughter to be able to be a teenager, go to parties, hang out with friends and have a career. So she’ll take the front seat of caring for the baby and take the pressure off her daughter."

So what's Lynne's first logical step as a soon-to-be parent? Start preparing the baby's nursery? Stock up on diapers and wipes? Start screening nannies?

Nope. According to the source, Lynne has agreed to have Jamie Lynn photographed with the baby as soon as it is born, sell the pictures and then take over raising her own grandchild.

How lovely. She has somehow figured out a way to financially exploit yet another member of the Spears family. You have to admire the parenting chutzpah. Well done Lynne Spears, well done. Enjoy your time in hell with those nice WBC folks.

My Second Christmas

2008-01-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

I just found out that my boss will be out of the country this week and, get this, he announced that his cell phone won't work in Europe. Fucking awesome. So this week will be a week without work reportings (although the blog content might take a big hit) and I'll focus on happier things.

Like the fact that we will have a new president in one year's time. Sure, there's a slight chance that GW will do something wretched, like declare martial law and amend the Constitution to make himself president for life. Which isn't totally far-fetched after watching the last seven years. Since I've been old enough to vote, I've been witness to some truly awful presidents (although Clinton was great)-- Reagan, Bush Sr. and now GW. By my math, that's two terms of yeah and five terms of "fuck me." I'll save the longer political rant for later in the week, but I am very, *very* excited to be getting a new president. If you toss out Huckaby, I would probably prefer any active candidate in the race right now over what we have now. Seriously.

But you'd better check out all the candidates quickly, because South Carolina and Florida are coming up soon and it's do-or-die for certain candidates (Giuliani and Edwards, in particular). I usually keep nervous watch each election year, but this year I'm almost too afraid to look. I'm afraid that Hillary might get the nomination, thereby energizing the fuckwit right wing base. I'm afraid that Obama might really be a political lightweight. I'm afraid that Biden's plugs might come undone. And I'm really, *really* afraid that we're going to end up with another conservative nutjob who gets to replace ancient-ass Justice Stevens with some forty-something, right-wing freak who thinks that evolution is of the devil and that dinosaurs were planted by God in order to mislead the week-minded believers. I would rather let Britney Spears babysit my kids than see that happen.

Why I Need a New Job

2008-01-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

In the ongoing series I like to call "Why I Need a New Job' (a/k/a "Why I Need to Get a Restraining Order Against My Insane Boss") I submit to you this actual quote from the other day:

"I think of you often on the weekends, more often than I should. I'm just worried I'm going to get the call some day that you were injured playing rugby and you're in a body cast."

Sweet lord in heaven, what person (other than a spouse or parent) would actually utter those words to another person? Not surprisingly, I was totally stopped dead in my tracks and caught without a witty response. I think I muttered something to the effect of "Uhh, thanks for the concern. I'm okay." But inside my head, I'm more like the Ving Rames character from "Pulp Fiction" -- I am pretty fucking far from okay.

Ahh, let the nightmare continue ....

(And yes Virginia, there is an ongoing job search)

Richard Simmons Is Balls Out Crazy

2008-01-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

We get it ... you're zany and like to wear really short shorts in public (and probably at home as I come to think about it). But for the love of god, stop flashing your underwear in public. No one wants to see photos of you trying to teabag a tree. Just stop it already.

No Blog For Old Men

2008-01-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

The New York Daily News is reporting that Will Smith is now officially insane and has been actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

The article states:

"Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that Scientology can fix right up for you.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

I'll put aside for a moment what a cheap fucker Will Smith is for giving out free personality testing sessions. It's like giving out AOL CDs as a gift. But I'm more amused by the concept that Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism have 98% in common with Scientology. Okay, people shouln't steal, kill or lie ... love your fellow man ... Okay, that's all pretty basic. But it's that 2% of Scientology craziness about spaceships and galactic souls that doesn't quite jibe with traditional religions.

Now it had been a while since David James' last bible study, so I whipped out the good book and tried to find the "OT level III book" of the Old Testament. Lo and behold, there is is in the book of Xenu, just as plain as day:

Xenu 1:1. "And 75 million years ago, God introduced Zenu as alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. And the Lord said 'Xenu bring billions of people to Earth in spacecrafts, stack them around volcanoes and blow them up with hydrogen bombs.' And Xenu did as the Lord requested and their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living as they continue to do this day. And the prophet L. Ron Hubbard shall call these clustered spirits "Body Thetans" and the Lord instructed his advanced-level Scientologist believers to place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects."

And then the Lord rested on the seventh day (i.e., the "Xenu Sabbath"), because he was tired of listening to this bullshit.

Blog Hard

2008-01-07T20:02:00.000-08:00

Happy belated Monday, boys and girls. I hope everyone had a good weekend; mine was low key filled with rugrats, rugby and recovery from said rugby game. Sadly, there are no photos from the game but let's just say I found mud in places I never knew existing. 'Nuff said.

Sunday was low key, mostly spending last night job searching and worrying that I may not be able to find a new job. I got close to landing a job I *really* wanted last summer and was somewhat stunned when I was unceremoniously dropped from consideration. I was pretty down about it and ended up halting my search, in part because I was bummed out over the rejection. Five months of the Bipolar Bear, though, has a funny way of motivating one to get the hell out. So what I'm worried about now is not just the rejection -- it's the fear of not being able to find anything interesting and new and, thus, being stuck at my current job in perpetuity. I will seriously depressed if I'm still there come April. Keep your fingers crossed, kiddos.

As an aside, congratulations to "OK Let Me Just Say This" for being recognized as having one of the best gay blogs in 2007. Congrats again Derek, just remember the little folks when you become the next Perez Hilton (just less annoying).

And in related news, "It's Not Me, It's You" was recently recognized as one of the top Scarlett Johansson-obsession related blogs out there. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back.

Greetings From Wet-ville

2008-01-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

You might have heard in the news that it's raining her in the Bay Area. A lot. It's died down, but it's a total mess outside. Which should make for a fun rugby game tomorrow in what I'm sure will be a total mud bowl. I'll try to get and post photos. Look for me, I'll be the one slathered in mud. Good times.

On the bright side, work hasn't been totally sucky this week. And Scarlett Johansson got rid of that retarded nose piercing and regained her fantastic status. And while still isn't returning my calls, that might change next week. Although, it's more likely is that work will suck and Scarlett won't call, but a fella can dream can't he?

Pat Robertson Still Can't Prophesize For Shit

2008-01-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

Exactly one year ago today, I posted an entry which analyzed Pat Robertson's amazing prophetic abilities. To quickly summarize that post, Robertson got about a D- score for his ability (or, rather, his inabilty) to correctly predict major world events. Despite the fact that God is giving him the answers. How lame is that?

But in that post, I noted that Pat made some bold predictions for 2007. Perhaps it's time that we revisit his predictions and, if applicable, adjust his grade to more accurately and fully reflect his more recent predictions. Hell, if my Tax professor was willing to give me the opportunity to earn extra credit in order to receive a better grade (despite my total incompetence), then perhaps I should be big enough to similarly give Pat a second change (despite his total incompetence).

So let's just check out how he did in 2007.

Pat said that God told him during a recent prayer retreat that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a "mass killing" late in 2007. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that." Robertson also claims that God also said that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. Pat (I love how I'm on a first name basis with this guy) also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by "very serious terrorist attacks" causing "possibly millions" of deaths.

Hold on, let me do a quick search of the past year's news for the terms "million+deaths+catastrophe+united+states+2007."

Results - zero. Hmm, it would appear at first blush that Robertson would receive an F- for this poor piece of forecasting. Ahh, not so quick -- Pat has an answer:

"All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us," Robertson said on The 700 Club. "So did I miss it? Possibly," he said of his unrealized prediction. [ Editor's note: he fucking absolutely he missed it.] "Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn't happen, so I think we can all rejoice."

Oh okay, let's make up a wild ass guess and, when you turn out to be a turd/liar/asshole, simply blame it on God and say "I might have fucked up, but only God knows. Thank goodness he didn't extinguish the nation en masse as he otherwise planned to do. You know, to show us how much he loves us."

God you're an asshole.

But despite his total lameness, I'm willing to cut Pat some slack and give hime one more year to redeem himself. And with that, here are his 2008 predictions:

First, Robertson predicts that there will be a recession in 2008. Second, Robertson suggested Wednesday that Americans will be paying much more for gas at the pump as the price of a barrel of oil. Specifically, he said oil would reach $150 a barrel - the price hit $100 on Wednesday - with the dollar continuing to lose value in 2008. Lastly, he predicts that there will be a major stock market upheaval are on their way for the United States. "I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there's going to be a major stock market crash," said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical scam artist.

Now we obviously won't know the accuracy of these predictions/wild ass guesses until next year, so we can't pass judgment yet. But let's at least examine the boldness and quality of these predictions. Because the "there will be a potentially nuclear terrorist attack that might kill millions of Americans" is a pretty ballsy prediction and pretty hard to top in 2008.

First, he said "there will be a recession in 2008." I'm going to have assign this the "well no shit" label. Some experts would argue we've already started it. Thanks again GW for the $33 trillion impact you've had on the debt. So I won't even count that worthless guess because it's fucking obvious. It's like predicting that Paris Hilton will be act like a dumb whore or that ice melts when its warm.

Second, he says that oil is going to hit $150 a barrel. You know, this isn't as crazy or bold a prediction as it may appear. A 50% increase in a single year is pretty hefty, but the combination of the weak dollar and rising oil prices might make this one attainable. All told, it's a semi-bold prediction, mostly because you can measure whether it will happen.

Lastly, he indicated that there would be a major stock market crash, perhaps in 2009 or 2010. Without more specifics, this is a pretty worthless prediction because: (a) we don't know what a "major crash" means (10% drop in a day? 20 correction over a period of a week? It's not like the financial markets were a dream in 2007); and (b) he doesn't specify which market would crash. He could be talking about the Latvia stock exchange, for all we know. But perhaps God doesn't give away what would be insider trading tips. God, I respect Robertson for not giving away God's stock tips.

But wait, there's more. My favorite non-prediction occurred on Wednesday when Robertson implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November. "He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said.

Now this is just getting silly, Pat. This isn't a prediction -- it's "he said, God said" gossip which we have no way of corroborating. Jesus Christ, narrow it down a little bit (e.g., "The next president will be a woman / colored man / right-wing flaming freak like me."). Seriously, I want to give you the extra credit on this one but you got to work with me here, Pat. Can you at least say if the winner will be chosen before or after the major stock market crash? Also, can you provide an 1-2 year forecast on Google stock? I need to move some money around in my 401(k) and this little bit of information might be helpful. Thanks a bunch.

XOXOXO,
David James

Your San Francisco Giants Preview

2007-12-30T23:26:00.000-08:00

(Ed. note: I know I have at least one diehard San Francisco Giants fan in my readership. My apologies to the rest of you. Everyone else can either choose to read and fall asleep or skip it entirely and wait for my "2007 Celebrity Trainwreck In Review" article).

Each year I keep hearing people getting all excited about the big Giants' contracts that are going to come off the books each year and how much money that will free up.

"Just wait until the end of when the contracts for are no longer on the books. Then we'll have a boatload of money to spend on top tier free agents."

Last year, it was Bonds, Morris, Benitez, Feliz, and Klesko, who made approximately $42 million combined (obviously, not all of that was paid by the Giants last year). What did it get us? So far, we've netted Aaron Rowand and pay increases for the rest of the team.

The year before, it was Bonds (again), Schmidt, Alou, Finley, and Feliz (again) freeing up almost $49 million. And for that relief, we locked up Barry Zito after failing to land Soriano and added another year of Bonds (whose $15M salary doesn't looks so bad, baggage nothwithstanding).

In 2008, the following player contracts will expire:
Durham ($7M)
Vizquel ($5.3M, unless he plays in 140 games in which case his 2009 salary vests)
Feliz (let's not kid ourselves, it's inevitable that the Giants resign him for another $5M in 2008)
Kline ($3.5)
Aurilia ($3.5M)

So that's approximately $25 million, not to mention the salaries of Roberts ($6.5M) and Winn ($8.25M) the Giants somehow are hoping to rid themselves of in 2008.

(Note: salary data was gathered from ESPN, mlb4u.com and baseball-almanac.com, so it may not be 100% accurate.)

So let's assume that the Giants somehow convince another team to take Roberts and Winn off their hands (which I pray doesn't include something insane line packing either player with Cain and/or Lincecum). That's about $40 million to spend on shiny new free agents in 2009, right? All we have to do is hold tight in 2008 -- the Giants will sort out which youngsters can contribute, the graybeards will be gone and we'll sign the best available free agents. With a little bit of luck, we'll be back to 85-90 wins in 2009, right?

It's a nice plan until you realize that next year's FA class is just as thin as this one was. The below list (courtesy of mlbtraderumors.com) obviously will get shorter as teams and players exercise options and teams lock up players to multi-year extensions. For example, there's no chance that -- absent horrific injury -- Vlad will not have his $15M option (which is really a net $12M option when you factor in the $3M buyout) picked up by the Angels. So in either case, he won't be available for the Giants. Same with Thome, Crawford, and Renteria.

Please note that I have focused on the hitters mostly because (a) the Giants already have a very good SP staff with some decent arms in the minors, (b) they already made a big free agent SP splash last year and we see where that got them, and (c) their hitting sucks. But for anyone interested, the best FA pitchers that will likely be on the market include Santana, Sabathia, Joe Nathan, Francisco Rodriguez, Pedro Martinez, Ben Sheets and Rafael Soriano. It's not a bad FA pitching class.

The list of FA hitters, though, looks much weaker. In reviewing the list, it looks like Teixeira, Dunn and some decent shortstops. In looking at the list, there doesn't seem like a lot of hope on the horizon. Are there really a lot of names on that list that people are eager to sign? Hell, Bonds looks like the best FA hitter in 2009.

So absent the meteoric rise of some unknown hitting phenoms, I'm not sure if there's a way that the Giants can avoid trading one of their quality arms in exchange for some good, young, cheap hitting. And no, I don't mean Lincecum for Rios. Call me crazy, but I don't see anything worth spending $40 million on there folks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catchers
Michael Barrett (32)
Johnny Estrada (33)
Kenji Johjima (33)
Jason Kendall (35) - club option for '09 (110 games)
Paul Lo Duca (37)
Ivan Rodriguez (37)
David Ross (32)
Jason Varitek (37)
Gregg Zaun (38) - $3.75M vesting option for '09 (160 games)

First basemen
Ben Broussard (32)
Carlos Delgado (37) - $16M mutual option for '09 with a $4M buyout
Nomar Garciaparra (35)
Jason Giambi (38) - $22M club option for '09 with a $5M buyout
Scott Hatteberg (39)
Kevin Millar (37)
Richie Sexson (34)
Mark Teixeira (29)
Jim Thome (38) - $13M club option for '09 with $3M buyout

Second basemen
Mark Ellis (32)
Mark Grudzielanek (39)
Orlando Hudson (31)
Tadahito Iguchi (34)
Jeff Kent (41)
Felipe Lopez (29)
Mark Loretta (37)
Jose Vidro (34) - vesting option for '09

Shortstops
Orlando Cabrera (34)
David Eckstein (34)
Adam Everett (32)
Rafael Furcal (31)
Cristian Guzman (31)
Cesar Izturis (29)
Felipe Lopez (29)
Edgar Renteria (33) - $11M club option for '09 with a $3M buyout
Juan Uribe (30)
Omar Vizquel (42) - $5.2M club option for '09 with a $0.3M buyout

Third basemen
Casey Blake (35)
Hank Blalock (28) - $6.2M club option for '09 with a $0.25M buyout
Joe Crede (31)
Nomar Garciaparra (35)
Troy Glaus (32) - $11.25M player option for '09
Wes Helms (33) - $3.75M club option for '09
Chipper Jones (37) - $8-11M vesting option for '09

Left fielders
Moises Alou (42)
Garret Anderson (37) - $14M club option for '09 with a $3M buyout
Milton Bradley (31)
Pat Burrell (32)
Carl Crawford (27) - $8.25M club option for '09 with $2.5M buyout
Adam Dunn (29)
Cliff Floyd (36) - $3M club option for '09 with a $0.25M buyout
Raul Ibanez (37)
Jacque Jones (34)
Jason Michaels (33) - $2.6M club option for '09
Craig Monroe (32)
Jay Payton (36)
Wily Mo Pena (27) - $5M club option or $2M player option for '09
Manny Ramirez (37) - $20M club option for '09
Juan Rivera (30)

Center fielders
Rocco Baldelli (27) - $6M club option for '09 with a $4M buyout
Jim Edmonds (39)
Jacque Jones (34)
Mark Kotsay (33)

Dude, Where's My Inheritance?

2007-12-29T22:54:00.000-08:00

In the latest news of the fantastic, Hotel magnate Barron Hilton recently announced that he will be screwing over his whore grandchildren by leaving 97% of his wealth to charity. This will obviously cut the fortune his heirs would have otherwise received. Which means that granddaughter Paris Hilton, who once stood to inherit $100+ million by some accounts, could end up with a measly $5 million or so. Barron’s designated charity funds clean water in Africa, education for blind children and housing for the mentally ill.

There is no truth to the rumor that Paris Hilton was spotted on a plane to Africa donning blackface and sporting a seeing-eye Chihuahua in an effort to recoup some of her inheritance.

I know that I had vowed at one point never to post another story about that wonk-eyed, herpes-infested, waste of skin ... but it's really a fantastic story and gave me a nice excuse to post the infamous Paris Doll photo. So it's really a win-win from my perspective. The only thing that would have made this story better is if she were somehow mauled and eaten by an angry tiger. But this is still pretty good.

Feliz Navidad

2007-12-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

For one day, no more work rants, celebrity ramblings, Youtube videos, or other inane commentary. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas (or Channukah, Kwanzaa, and whatever holiday the Scientologists celebrate). Best wishes to everyone this holiday season and I'll be back soon.

Right on,

David James

Twas the Night Before the Night Before Christmas ....

2007-12-24T00:24:00.000-08:00

As you know by now, there three things in this world that are vitally important to me -- family, world peace and unicorns. And since I don't have any photos of world peace and my Native American religion tells me that taking pictures with a camera steal your soul, you all are stuck with the unicorn.

Is it just me or does it appear that the artist started to draw the unicorn as anatomically correct -- and then just gave up on the idea? S/he probably said "Jesus, that rainbow took me 12 hours to paint, not to mention twinkling light at the end of his horn. Fuck it, I'm done."

Kind of like what I said about my workweek last week. "Fuck it, I'm done." Unfortunately, it's now Sunday evening. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great weekend. I'll post something Christmas-y tomorrow or Tuesday.

Yet Another Work Post

2007-12-20T16:37:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick synopsis of my day so far:

6:30 - Wake up
7:15 - Wake up again
7:40 - Gulp down a pot of coffee
7:50 - Frantically start reading a document for a conference call
8:00 - Conference call (a/k/a Internet surfing) begins
8:35 - Send innocuous note to my boss
9:00 - Conference call ends
9:15 - My boss calls me and totally lays into me for something he perceives that I screwed up
9:18 - I give up defending myself and wait for his lecture to end
9:25 - Berating mercifully ends
9:30 - Start searching monster.com

Jesus, I know it's only noon, but is it too early to drink? It's happy hour somewhere, isn't it?

Wednesday Night Musings

2007-12-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

It's 10:30 p.m. as I write this and I have a call scheduled in seven hours. Fuck. Me. It's too early to go to sleep now because I'm too wired and nervous about potentially oversleeping. Conversely, it's too late to go to the rave or hang out with the supermodels. What's a boy to do? I guess I'll instead work on my memoirs, which are tentatively entitled either "It's Not Me, It's Still You" or "Harry Potter and The Fabblegrub Gang." I figure the last one would immediately sell a million books if I can crank our 900+ pages of text, but there's that pesky copyright issue to deal with. Oh well, I'll have plenty of time to think about it on my 5:30 a.m. call. Wheee!

Separated at Birth - Nicole Kidman

2007-12-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

Here we have Academy Award winner, Nicole Kidman:

.... and the Tin Man from the "Wizard of Oz":

What the fuck is up with her outfit? Where are Dorothy and Toto? Is this some sort of Scientology-inspired, brainwave-deflector suit? Granted, you have to credit Nicole with some brains for having the forethought to bring an umbrella and avoid rusting up. That being said, you have to seriously wonder what possessed her to channel Jack Haley in the first place. Are we sure this wasn't taken in October on her way to a Halloween party? Ugh, this is going to be a long week.

(Disclaimer - original picture and reference from thesuperficial.com)

More Work Crap, Blah, Blah, Blah

2007-12-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

Suddenly realizing that it was less than two weeks until Christmas, I decided to duck out of work early to do a bit of shopping. Because I work from home these days, I am always leery about leaving early for fear of getting a call from my boss, thereby confirming his opinion that I am a total slacker. So of course it was around 5:30 that he called me as I was strolling aimlessly through the aisles at Best Buy. Panicked and not wanting him to hear the shopping crowd and audio-visual background noise, I sent his call to voicemail. He left the following message:

Bipolar Bear (BPB): "David, (boss' name). Give me a call at home, 555-555-1212."

Fuck. Me. What the hell is so urgent that he wants me to call him at home? Did he want to talk about his last email that I never responded to? Am I going to get yelled at for something I did wrong in his bizarro-world opinion? Have I been fired?

There's no way that I can avoid calling him back. I finished my shopping and headed to the car to figure out how to answer his question "I tried you in your office, where are you?"

I waded through the parking lot, hopped in the car and rang him back. After a few minutes of chit chat, we got to the actual meat of the conversation which went a little something like this:

BPB: "Next Thursday, the VP of Marketing will be traveling to St. Louis to discuss (insert inane project). She's only going to be here for that one day and I am out of the office starting that afternoon, so we need to hold an early morning meeting that I'd like you to join."
Me (gleefully over his upcoming vacation): "Okay, sounds good."
BPB: "So we've scheduled the call for 7:30 a.m. next Thursday."
Me: "Uhh, is that Pacific time or Central time?"
BPB: "Central."

Hello 5:30 a.m. conference call next week. I'm estimating that he over-under on the actual hours of sleep I get on Wednesday night is about 3.5 hours, as I invariably have trouble sleeping when I have to get up inordinately early the next morning. I also put the over-under on the number of cups of coffee I drink that morning at 17. If I die from some crazy caffeine-infused overdose, it was good knowing you all. (Of course, no one would immediately know since I only seem to post here once every 12 days).

Oh well, at least the BPB will be on vacation and I'll be able to enjoy a nice holiday respite from the work nightmare. Which leaves me plenty of time for my daily nap and job searching.

Alberto Gonzalez - Lawyer of the Year

2007-12-13T00:23:00.000-08:00

The votes are in boys and girls .... and the winner of the American Bar Association's 2007 "Attorney of the Year" is (wait for it, wait for it) .... Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. I shit you not, I'm not making this up.

Gonzales, who resigned in September after 2 1/2 years at the department amid investigations into whether he broke the law and lied to Congress, was given the reward which is given to the lawyers who made the most news.

Gonzalez's shitty tenure as Attorney General started to unravel following a public furor surfaced last January over the firings of nine U.S. attorneys, and whether they were politically motivated. His conflicting public statements about the ousters led Democrats and Republicans alike to question his honesty. In addition, a former top aide to Gonzales testified that he potentially illegally tampered with a witness in ongoing Congressional and DOJ investigations by stating that he tried to coach her answers about the firings.

And for this he received Lawyer of the Year.

Originally I figured he won because he was the only one running. But on closer inspection, there were other stellar nominees. They other high-profile lawyers that were nominated for the distinction included (1) Monica Goodling, the Justice Department's liaison to the White House who quit in April amid the political firestorm, and (2) Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice in the investigation into the leaked identity of former CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson. Given the low level of competition, I'm surprised that my bipolar, workaholic boss with an army of personal demons wasn't nominated as well. I guess there's always next year, though.

Separated at Birth - Knot's of the Living Dead

2007-12-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

This week's edition of "Celebrity Separated At Birth" brings us Joan Van Ark, from "Knot's Landing" fame.

... and a Stage 4 undead zombie.

Good lord woman, what the hell has happened to you?! I know she's in her mid-sixties, but she looks like absolute hell. Not that I'm any great shakes to look at, but at least I don't look like a shrunken applehead figure with a grey/brown-ish ring around my mouth. Ack.

As an aside, I originally Googled the terms "skeleton woman," "decaying corpse" and "oh my god, I'm blind!!" in order to get a closer match, but those images were a wee bit horrific. Plus "The Young and the Rotting" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Donotella Vercameltoe

2007-11-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know what scares me more -- her plastic surgery ridden face or her Level 6 cameltoe? I'm opting for the latter. And by "opting for" I mean "trying to avoid my gag reflex regarding."

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I’ve been at Disneyland for the past several days have been meaning to post, but I’ve been too busy and wiped out to post. I will say that people watching at Disneyland is almost as much fun as the park itself. There is no way to capture

Number of days spent in Anaheim - 3.75 days (Sunday night through Wednesday night)
Number of combined hours at the park - approximately 40.
Number of combined hours of sleep - approximately 25.
Number of calories consumed over the 3+ days - approximately 23,000.
Number of crying kids - 1,008.
Number of hot guys with ugly wives - 2.
Number of ugly guys with hot wives - easily over 100. (Someone help me understand this phenomenon)
Number of children presumably conceived after being slipped a roofie - see answer immediately preceding above.
Number of celebrities spotted - 2 (Seal and Heidi Klum)
Number of obvious strippers spotted - 2.
Number of guys clearly on steroids spotted - lost count.
Number of frosted mullets spotted - 1 (this mullet spotting is in the running for highlight of the trip).
Number of fake boobs spotted - uhh, I didn’t notice.
Number of time I rode on Pirates of the Caribbean - 3.
Number of times we rode “Autopia” (i.e., the go-cart attraction where kids get to actually drive the car) - 7.
Total number of churros consumed by the family - 6.
Total number of tacos consumed by me - also 6.
Most money spent on a single serving of plain coffee - $5 (includes commemorative plastic mug!).
Cost to rent an “electronic convenience vehicle” (i.e., driving device which helps the immobile get around the park) - $55.
Number of people spotted riding said “electronic convenience vehicle” - 50 (conservative estimate).
Number of annoying/harassing/demeaning email I got from my boss on Monday - I stopped counting at 12.
Number of my boss’ annoying/harassing/demeaning email to which I responded - 0.
Number of smile and happy memories - infinity*.

* Note: my editor made me insert that last item, insisting that there’s no way this blog goes IPO if I don’t clean it up and stop using terms such as “fuckwit” and “assmunch.”

Other random thoughts and observations ….

* While on the 4th or 5th go-cart ride, I noticed that the person in the car next t me was a middle-aged adult. Without a child with them. As in, he was driving the go-cart by himself. I was like “What the fuck are you doing? Do you not get enough time behind the wheel of an actual car as it is?” Jesus Christ, what is wrong with people?

* Visual highlight of the trip -- is it: (a) the hot woman in the tight t-shirt who just got drenched on the Splash Mountain ride, or (b) the middle-aged woman driving her electronic assistance vehicle wildly who crashed into a curb and almost lurched over the handlebars? I gotta go with the latter. That shit was fucking hi-larious. Top notch stuff.

* Flying on Thanksgiving is awesome. I flew out on Thursday around noon and it was fantastic. There are no lines, people are laid back and nice, and it is acceptable to drink early because it’s a holiday. Plus, flying out of Orange County/Santa Ana Airport is awesome.

(Side note: I refuse to call OC/SA Airport by its current name, “John Wayne Airport.” Similarly, I refuse to call “National Airport” in D.C. by its current name, “Ronald Reagan.” Fucking annoying.).

It Just Keeps Getting Better

2007-11-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

I'm back from STL, having survived one of the more difficult trips to be on. Quick highlights - sitting right behind my boss on a broken down bus with exposed wiring and spewing diesel into the seating compartment .... a 14 hour work da ..., uhh, retreat day on Monday ... inedible food ... fun team building events such as a scavenger hunt, where the prize was a granola bar and a Snickers (seriously). God, I don't ever want to go back.

I'm back home but am now dealing with my boss leaving my insane voicemail messages which merely consist of a series of names:

Boss: "David, [insert his first and last name]."

That's it, he says my first name and then his full name (like my skin doesn't automatically crawl when I hear his voice). No greeting, no subject matter, no "please call me back." Just "David, [first and last name]." Fucking annoying.

Pass the Strychnine Please

2007-11-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

Stop me if you heard this intro before, but I’m headed back to Missouri once again. On an airplane. For work. Which means, of course, more amusing stories for you the faithful reader.

Let’s see, how long has it been since my last trip to my favorite Red State? Oh wait, it’s only been 15 days. Awesome. Last time it was 2 non-stop days of corporate blather about “strategic direction,” “company execution” and “leadership commitment.” And yes, it was as bad as it sounds.

With that as a recent comparison point, I am dead serious when I say that I would *far prefer* to attend those meetings that my department’s team-building retreat. With my insane boss. I have been dreading these next couple of days for the last few months. I kept praying to the 8 lb. 6 oz., golden swaddling baby Jesus that this trip would be cancelled, but to no avail.

Honestly, I would rather perform my own colonoscopy with a rusty garden hose than attend this retreat. We’re basically going to “retreat” (i.e., work) for a little over 24 hours, which is fucking retarded. Monday will be a 14 hour day, were we get on a bus which will carry us 3 hours to the Ozark’s, which is basically in the middle of nowhere (think “Deliverance,” minus a pre-toupee Burt Reynolds).

Once we arrive, we move right into a series of non-stop presentations and working meals, culminating in some sort of “team building” exercise from 8:00-9:30 p.m. That should be a treat. Nothing’s more fun than having “trust falls” and playing “corporate madlib” games at 9:00 at night. Oh wait, I forgot that we are entitled to a 30 minute happy hour from 6:30-7:00. Although that technically makes it “Happy Half Hour.” I wonder how many drinks I can gulp down in 30 minutes. I’m putting the over/under at 5. Oh well, it should make the team building exercise far more palatable.

Dear Diary

2007-11-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

In case I hadn't mentioned it (and senility is seriously starting to creep in these days), I've been working from home for about six months now ever since my company closed our San Francisco satellite office. At first I didn't like it -- it was isolating, I found myself snacking non-stop, and missed working in The City. After a while, I was indifferent ("It's better than driving an hour-and-a-half to Santa Clara each day."), but now I've really come to embrace it. I can sleep in late, run errands, etc. so long as I get my work done. Daily grooming? Ahh, who's keeping track?

I've had a number of folks ask me what a typical day is like. So I decided to keep track of how I spend a somewhat-typical work day:

6:30 - Open eyes, quickly check email on my Blackberry. If there are no more than 5 urgent email messages, I either go back to sleep or perhaps head to the gym. Guess which option gets selected more often?

7:15 - Consume first dose of caffeine of the day. Fret about the day that I run out of coffee and actually have to leave the house in order to buy some more.

8:58 - Awake from sleep / return from gym. Officially start my work day by responding to urgent email.

9:05 - Get bored with work, start surfing celebrity gossip and other odd stories on the Internet.

9:18 - Remember that I totally forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

9:30 - Remember that I forgot to eat breakfast, cook up some sort of grilled cheese item of some sort. This will not be the last one of the day. I immediately regret not going to the gym.

9:45 - Eye remainder of Halloween candy. Pledge that I will not eat 5 pieces of candy again today. Be strong, David. Be strong.

9:50 - Walk 50 feet and head back to work. Time to start slaving for the man.

10:15 - Tired of slaving for the man, I elect to try to beat my best score at Wii bowling.

10:35 - Phone rings, my first contact with a human being. Hooray!

10:36 - Note that the caller is my crazy boss, let it roll to voicemail and head back to the Wii.

10:45 - Remember that I still haven't brushed my teeth. Contemplate whether there's any fluoride in coffee. Probably not, so I guess I'll do it the old fashioned way.

11:00 - Begin planning my lunch. And by "planning" I mean consuming. Man, that grilled cheese sandwich was tasty.

11:04 - Shit, I'm late for my conference call. God this job is really getting in the way of my daily productivity.

11:45 - Call is over and my official lunch break begins. Estimate that I will need to play the Wii for 60 minutes straight in order to burn off my first lunch. Immediately commence with lunchtime exercise of Wii boxing and baseball.

12:25 - Note that my shoulder is starting to hurt from too much Wii. Is it possible to get Wii tennis elbow? How is it that I play rugby but get injured while Wii bowling? Pathetic.

12:50 - Remember that I forgot to shower and shave today. Shrug shoulders as I realize that I'm headed to rugby practice tonight any way, so why bother.

1:20 - Consume my umpteenth caffeinated beverage of the day. Google "how much caffeine does it take to kill me" to inquire as to how close I am to death. Two more cups of coffee should do it.

1:50- Inhale another piece of Halloween candy after finishing up a conference call. Discover that I am running desperately low on Reese's peanut butter cups. Would 911 respond to me desperate cry for help?

2:15 - Just finished up a delightful call with my boss. As I sit here contemplating who I tortured in a past life to have this work karma, I think to my self "fuck it" and decide to drink those last 2 cups of coffee in order to kill myself. Goodbye cruel world.

2:20 - Notice I'm still alive. Guessing that I miscalculated the lethal dosage of caffeine, I return to work. But first, one more Snickers.

3:00-5:00 - This is my prime work time. Most of the people I work with are in the Midwest and East Coast and they pretty much leave me alone during this time period. Most of the day leading up to this is a flurry of urgent email, conference calls and other fires that I basically put out all day (huh huh, he said "put out").

5:02 - Promise myself to be more productive tomorrow.

And with that, the evening whistle blows and I am pretty much done with my work day. Time to get the mail, eat yet again, and pick up my tuxedo for my friend R's wedding this Saturday. Good times.

[ Editor's note: This running diary is a literary work and should not be taken literally. David James is a very hard working and conscientious employee and devotes 100% of his time, energy and heart in to his job on a 24x7 basis. Seriously, don't fire me.]

Is It Monday Already?

2007-11-05T11:39:00.000-08:00

There was a point in time when I would have paid big money to buy one of these Star Wars-inspired t-shirts from Urban Outfitters. That time, however, would have been about 25 years ago and before t-shirts cost $30.

You've made enough money in your lifetime, George Lucas. Time to give it a rest and stop raping the franchise for more money. Why not just move on to another crappy project and start beating that like a dead horse? Oh wait, that's right. I forgot that Indiana Jones 4 (featuring a 60-year old Harrison Ford) will be coming out soon. Sweet jesus, when will it all end?

Trick-or-Treat

2007-10-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you combine a favorite holiday, a much-loved pet and horrible judgment? Halloween costumes for dogs.

The Bridal Dog. Isn't s/he lovely? Good luck throwing the bouquet when it's sewn to your artificial limbs.

Scooby-Doo. I don't understand why you want to dress your dog up as another dog. Someone help me with this.

Herro Kitty. If there's anything worse than dressing up your dog as another dog ... it's dressing it up as a cat.

Pippy Longstockings(?). I don't even know what this is supposed to be. But I do know that if this dog had any idea how ridiculous it looks, it would kill and eat its owner.

Raggedy Ann. I wasn't even sure what this costume was supposed to be at first. Is "Red-Headed Amish Woman" a Halloween costume?

Dorothy. Toto is now Dorothy. Oh the irony of the role reversal. This dog's sad look reminds me of the look I will soon have on my face when I have to go back to St. Louis for the second time in three weeks. Ugh.

The Rest of the Wizard of Oz Characters. Ahhh, that lucky dog doesn't just have one costume -- it has 4 Wizard of Oz inspired outfits. If I were the dog, I would change the words of "If I Only Had a Brain" to "If I Only Had a Clear Shot At My Owner's Jugular."

Kenny From South Park. Could this dog look any more depressed? This one is definitely high up on the Britney Spears suicide watch.

Tiki Dog. Two things immediately struck me about this costume. First, I guarantee you that its owner is a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Second, Hawaiian shirts look no better on ugly dogs. I would rather wear a t-shirt that says "I like to lick myself" than this gawdawful shirt.

Red Sox Win

2007-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

For those that weren't closely watching it on TV (and seriously, I know everyone was), the Boston Red Sox prevailed over the Colorado Rockies, by sweeping the best of 7 series.

This is small karma for me having wasted several hours earlier in the week trying to buy tickets online -- only to have the feeble Rockies' website crash repeatedly, before being taken down entirely .... and then have it up again, only to watch it be entirely impossible to access. But I'm not bitter.

In a replay of 2004, the Red Sox -- who were down this year to the Cleveland Indians 3-1 just as they were to the Yankees in 2004 -- won seven games in a row to capture their second World Series in four years (and 3rd in the last 90). And to top it off, the Yankees are on the brink of mediocrity having fired their manager and losing their best player to free agency. Not a bad baseball weekend at all, come to think of it.

2007 Rugby World Cup

2007-10-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

It had to end. After watching 48 matches over six weeks totaling more than 70 hours, the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France has finally come to an end. As no one reading this likely knows, South Africa defeated the reigning world champions, England, with an impressive showing in Paris on Saturday.

The USA finished ….. uhhh, not first. USA rugby is years behind other nations, mostly due to the fact that it’s a poorly organized, amateur sport that’s not shown on network television. Hell, it’s difficult to find any coverage in the U.S. despite the fact that over four billion have watched at least part of one match.

And of those four billion people, guess which who put off sleep and work to watch every match? Me. (Ironically, that’s also the same answer to the question “Who doesn’t have a life?”)

And of all the games and tries (i.e., touchdowns) that I saw scored, the best one was scored by none other than a USA rugby player. Takudzwa “Z” Ngwenya scored the try which was named try of the year but the International Rugby Board.

On September 30, the soon-to-be champions South Africa defeated the United States by the score of 64-15 in Montpellier. This would technically classify as a drubbing. However, the highlight occurred just before the end of the first half. It began deep in the USA’s territory, when flanker Todd Clever (in the red) intercepted a South Africa pass and proceeded to deliver a nasty stiff-arm to the face of SA’s flyhalf (Butch James), who then flipped it to one of his teammates. Two passes later and the ball reached Z Ngwenya just inside his own half. As South Africa’s Brian Habana -- who was named Rugby Player of the Year and who’s widely regarded as the fastest man in rugby -- came across to make the tackle, Ngwenya checked, juked, sidestepped and then absolutely dusted the South Africa wing to score the try.

Even the commentary is great. “Chase me ... I’ve left you, mate .... I've left you.”

Sorry the video quality is so poor, but the video keeps getting taken down by the rugby elves. I guess it has something to do with copyright violations or something like that. Oh well, here it is. Enjoy it while it lasts.

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On My Way To The Blog .....

2007-10-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time and I really have no excuse to not post a note indicating "I'm alive" or what have you. But October has been a hectic month, filled with a bunch of distractions, hobbies and the like. So without further ado, I present the "Top Ten List of Things With Which I Have Been Preoccupied," which have precluded me from blogging more recently:

1. The Nintendo Wii. I bought the Wii two weeks ago ostensibly "for the kids." However, I think I can conservatively estimate the amount of Wii playing time as me - 97%, kids - 3%. The games are fun and intuitive and quick to play -- which is the real danger. I'll finish a conference call (or hell, I'll even be on one) and I'll play a little golf or bowling, which games usually last 5 minutes. Of course that presumes I only play one game. Uhh, hi folks. I won't go into the gory details about how fun the game is, but I will say that the worst part of the Wii is that you get a message indicating the amount of time played on the Wii and which games were played. Goodbye two hours of my day, hello unemployment.

2. Cal Golden Bears Football. Cal's heartbreaking loss to Oregon State this past weekend. Honestly, it was the most crushing defeat of any sports team that I care about that I can recall. I was honestly been numb for like 3 days. It all came down to the very last play which, to this day, is still too painful for me to watch. I would honestly rather watch my own colonoscopy than the last 10 seconds of that game. And no, I would not characterize this as a healthy relationship. Cal is basically the Ike Turner to my Tina. I think I need some help here.

3. Rugby World Cup 2007. To date, I have watched all 46 rugby games played at the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France, which is approximately 70 hours of rugby over the past 6+ weeks. You do the math. Not pretty. I'm now faced with the dilemma as to who to root for in the final -- England or South Africa? Root for England and you get 4 more years of insufferable boasting. Root for South Africa and I feel like I'm tacitly rooting for apartheid. It's really a lose-lose situation.

4. Loathing Our Administration. Seriously, only 459 more days until GW is gone. The day can't come quick enough.

5. Scarlett Johannson.

6. Baseball Playoffs. I know I'm only one of 17 people or so that give a shit about baseball, but my team (Red Sox) is in the playoffs, although they are on the brink of elimination. While the playoffs have been someone anticlimactic, it's fun to see teams like Cleveland and Colorado go far in the playoffs, as one team hasn't won the World Series in 60 years and the other has never been before.

7. Ellen DeGeneres' Dog Fiasco. Okay, not really. Let's move on people. There are far bigger issues in the world. Don't get me wrong, I care about animals -- just not celebrities' animals.

8. Napping. Really, this is totally underrated. I would suggest everyone try it more often.

9. Halloween Planning. I think I may decorate the house, although I'll probably be out trick-or-treating (a/k/a "Operation Get Daddy Needs Some Snickers") with the progeny. I haven't sorted out costumes, although I think that Kiefer Sutherland might have already locked up "Halloween Costume of the Millenium" award:

10. Work. Oh yeah, that. Yes, I've actually been doing some work, notwithstanding items 1-9. I will not re-hash matters, but things have been better recently. I'm headed to Shit Louis next week,

The Week's Recap

2007-10-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

So Monday and Tuesday I enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with the BPB. And by "enjoyed the distinct pleasure of working closely with" I really mean "got kicked in the nuts." Honestly, those two days were some of my worst days at my job. My stomach was in knots all day, I didn't sleep much, and was generally on edge and short all day long. I got positively reamed for something I worked on briefly over 3 months ago and which recently surfaced. I honestly didn't do anything wrong, but the BPB entirely blew things out of proportion and grilled me nonetheless for something that wasn't my fault. After talking down to me a couple of times, I was assigned a bunch of inane, busy work as my penance, which occupied most of Wednesday.

Today was much better, though, as highlighted by the BevoMo's insane 5 cent wine sale (buy one wine bottle of certain wines at regular price, get another bottle for a nickle). Seriously, how can you not love that? But after Tuesday, I was tempted to eat some "Angry Dog" supplement food myself:

Yes Virginia, It Is Monday ....

2007-10-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

It's not three hours into the work day and I've already had an awkward call with my boss (hereinafter referred to as the "Bi-polar Bear or "BPB"). You ever have one of those calls where you cringe the entire time and then thank the 8 lb. 6 oz. baby jesus once it's over? It was like that, but more painful. It's like the feeling every male gets when they watch the answering machine scene from "Swingers" (which remains the most painful scene in movies, worse than Ned Beatty's infamous scene in "Deliverance"). Oh well, I guess I will torture myself further by watching what I'm sure will be a significant Ireland loss to Argentina in rugby. Happy Monday!

P.S. This cat is supposed to be a moving gif file, where the cat repeatedly throws punches. Still funny but not what I thought I had posted. Ugh, this day is not going well.

Go Bears!

2007-09-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

My California Golden Bears, ranked #6 in the nation, beat #11 Oregon in Eugene, Oregon for the first time since 1987. It was a fantastic game which went right down to the very end. I swear the last 15 minutes of the game aged me about two years.

I figured with the road win, Cal might move up a spot. But then it seemed like this was "College Football Upset Weekend." There were numerous upsets among the Top 20, which will only help Cal's ranking:

#3 Oklahoma lost to Colorado
#4 Florida lost to Auburn
#5 West Virginia lost to #18 Southern Florida
#7 Texas lost to Kansas State
#10 Rutgers lost to Maryland
#13 Clemson lost to Georgia Tech

Jesus Christ, Cal could be as high as #3 with all the losses! They haven't been ranked this high since they were #4 in December 2004 which Cal fans will long remember as the season they got fucked out of a BCS bowl game as a result of the obscene lobbying by Texas (don't get me started). Assuming Cal doesn't stumble the rest of the way (and that's a huge assumption), Cal's game against USC could have national implications. Win it and Cal would likely go to the BCS championship. Lose it and Cal would have to "settle" for the Rose Bowl. The last time Cal was in the Rose Bowl, it was 1958 and my uncle Frank (who's now 70) was the starting offensive tackle for Cal.

September Statistics

2007-09-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

September flew by for me, so here's a quick summary of how I spent my month:

26: Number of Rugby World Cup (RWC) games I have watched.
6: Number of RWC games I have yet to watch in order to be fully caught up (if I stay up all night tonight, I can get caught up I think).
7: Number of wineries that I went wine tasting to last Friday (no, I wasn't driving).
24: Number of days that my sister came out to do research in California.
40: Approximate number of bottles of wine that were consumed during said visit (this is a conservative number).
1: Number of wine glasses broken.
1,035: Number of expletives uttered (again, this is a conservative number).
8.35: Average hours of sleep my sister gets (seriously, who sleeps 8 hours a day?).
10: Number of episodes of "Arrested Development" which we watched over the past week.
0: Number of times that I dreaded her visit and wished she were home already.

We had a really nice visit, she heads back on Saturday and I'm a little sad. It was a good trip (although my memory might be distorted a bit by the wine), but it will be nice to get my house back to normal. For now, I think I will console myself with the New Zealand vs. Scotland rugby match and 8 hours of sleep (whatever that is).

Is It October Yet?

2007-09-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

I am alive and well kiddies. I've been enjoying the past couple of days without my crazy boss and catching up on all the game for the Rugby World Cup. I've actually been watching an average of about one or two per day over the past two weeks, which has been great but really eating into my work productivity and blogging. For those that care (i.e., no one), Ireland has been shite the entire tournament, which has really bummed me out. Watching them squeak past Romania and Namibia was embarrassing, and then we got blown out by France. Ouch. Oh well, there's always 2011.

I've also been preoccupied with my sister's visit, which is in its third week. She's been out doing research and so far, the trip has gone really well. She's been gone all day -- thereby allowing me time to catch up on the rugby -- and has been really easy going. The several cases of wine that we've gone through hasn't hurt either. Anyway, she leaves soon which is kind of sad since it's been a good trip and we really haven't spent this much time together since we were in high school (class of '85, fuck yeah!). I was fearing the worst, like she would burn down my house after falling asleep while smoking in bed or inviting over a bunch of tranny burlesque performers after a late night show, but it's really been uneventful (other than the plentiful deposit of empty wine bottles in the recycling bin). There are a few days left for her to fulfill her manifest destiny, so perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon.

Oh well, anyway I am alive and doing well. Certainly better than Courtney Love who appears to have burned her mouth on a piping hot apple pie from McDonald's. Ouch! Be careful next time Courtney!

Cheney: Iraq is a "Quagmire"

2007-09-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

Below is some seriously fucked up video footage of Dick Cheney explaining the difficulty in invading Iraq. In this interview from April 15th, 1994, Cheney reveals the reasons why invading Baghdad and toppling Saddam Hussein wouldn't be a great idea. He also stipulates that "not very many" American soldiers' lives were worth losing to take out Saddam during the Gulf War.

Here's a partial transcript of his interview:

"It's a quagmire if you go that far and tried to take on Iraq. The other thing is casualties. Everyone was impressed with the fact that we were able to do our job with as few casualties as we had. But for the 146 Americans killed in action and their families, it wasn't a cheap war. And the question for the President in terms of whether we went on to Baghdad and took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein was 'how many more dead Americans is Saddam worth?' and our judgment was 'not very many' and I think that we got it right."

It's hard to believe that a man as principled as Dick Chaney would have a fundamental change of heart just six short years later after GW was in office. So I guess by "not very many," Chaney misspoke and really meant to say "3,000 more casualties."

And I'm sure it's a total coincidence that the very next year, Cheney -- who had no prior business experience -- left the Department of Defense to become the CEO of Halliburton Co., one of the biggest oil-services companies in the world. Under Cheney's leadership, Halliburton moved up from 73rd to 18th on the Pentagon's list of top contractors. The company garnered $2.3 billion in U.S. government contracts in 1995, which almost doubled the $1.2 billion it earned from the government previously. According to the Center for Public Integrity, under Cheney's leadership the company also received $1.5 billion worth of assistance that year from government-sponsored agencies such as OPIC (Overseas Private Investment Corporation) and the Export-Import Bank, a huge increase compared to the $100 million that the company had received in federal loans and guarantees in the five years prior to Cheney's arrival. Years later, during a vice presidential debate with Joe Lieberman in the 2000 campaign, Cheney increduously asserted that "the government has absolutely nothing to do" with his financial success as chairman of Halliburton Co.

Cheney's integrity can also be seen as Halliburton honorably plead guilty to criminal charges that Halliburton *allegedly* violated a U.S. ban on exports to Libya by selling Col. Qaddafi six pulse neutron generators, devices that can be used to detonate nuclear weapons for which Halliburton paid a stiff $3.8 million penalty to settle the *alleged* violations. Hello, that's almost a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR penalty they had to pay. And you can bet that they learned their lesson and that that would be the last time that Halliburton ever tried to pull anything shady with the U.S. Federal Government ever again.

"Really Honey, You Shouldn't Have ..."

2007-09-13T03:47:00.000-07:00

The Daily Mall recently reported that Madonna bought a "special surprise gift" for husband Guy Ritchie's 39th birthday.

"Madonna was spotted leaving London’s Claridge’s Hotel toting a see-through plastic bag which revealed her latest purchase - a strap-on sex toy. Apparently it’s a Purple Penetrator, so perhaps Madonna really does wear the trousers in her relationship. Husband Guy Ritchie, who trailed behind looking rather sheepish, had a carry case of his own, but had the good grace to keep its contents under wraps."

For those of us not in the know, the "Purple Penetrator" - which can be purchased online for around $60 - is a 6" dildo with adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes. It comes with "perfectly positioned vibrating bullett to give the wearer clitoral stimulation whilst pleasuring her mate!" [ Editor's note -- While I'm all in favor of free speech in advertising, I'm going to have to strenuously disagree with that last part of that sentence. ]

Anyway, below is the photographic evidence of the infamous "Purple Penetrator":

And next, the horrified look on Guy Ritchie's face as he accompanies the ever-reserved Madonna traipsing through an upscale London shopping sector carrying a see-through plastic bag containing a large strap-on device:

And lastly, a photo of said "Purple Pentrator":

What a thoughtful, original gift. Happy 39th birthday, Guy! I wonder what Madonna has in store for you next year? I'm thinking something that involves genital cuffs and gimp mask. And as horrible an image of Madonna using the purple strap-on is, the thought of a hand job from a woman with "man hands" isn't much of a treat either (seriously, check out that first photo.) Talk about a lose-lose proposition.

Jon Stewart to the Rescue

2007-09-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

In the latest news of the great, Jon Stewart is set to host the 80th Academy Awards in February. The host of "The Daily Show" took charge of the Oscars for the first time when he presented the 78th Academy Awards. Telecast producer Gilbert Cates says, "Jon was a terrific host for the 78th Awards. He is smart, quick, funny, loves movies and is a great guy. What else could one ask for?"

[ Editor's note - If Stewart is so "smart, quick and funny" explain to me why where we subjected to Ellen DeGeneres last year? ]

Stewart adds, "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm!"

Of course this gives me the perfect opportunity to post a totally unrelated YouTube clip (a/k/a "blog filler") of Jon Stewart sorting out U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East. Ta da!

I Am Frightened ...

2007-09-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I just found out that my department will be having a mandatory retreat in the Ozarks in early November. Yes, David James is headed back to Missouri, kiddos. Hello freezing weather and awkward three hour bus ride with the Bipolar Bear. God, I am not looking forward to this trip and am positively frightened about spending 48 hours in what I can only imagine is a scene out of Deliverance. God help us all.

Other random things that scare me:

* Ray Lewis (circa 1999)
* Naked guys who eat tofu hot dogs
* Amy Winehouse
* This catfish:

Cal 45, Tennessee 31

2007-09-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

My California Golden Bears avenged last year's season-opening loss to Tennessee by trashing them 45-31 yesterday in Berkeley. In the game, DeSean Jackson had this insane 77 yard punt return, where he repeatedly juked his way free in a series of moves on the way to the end zone. And despite Brent Musberger's atrocious call ("Shake and bake!"), I could watch this video over and over again.

And in fact, I have.

Week In Review

2007-09-01T20:46:00.001-07:00

Wow, what a crazy week this has been. On the bright side, I have friends that are having babies and quitting jobs they loathe (congratulations again to Kate and JP, respectively). On the negative side, others of us have been dealing with sick parents, crazy bosses, insanely hot weather and jobs that they loath (but unfortunately cannot quit).

Speaking of jobs, I returned this week after a 24-hour trip to STL, which included a stilted 3-hour (!) dinner with my boss followed by an inane 6-hour meeting the following day. It was during the same trip where two co-workers were almost brought to tears by my insane boss. He also made another person almost miss his plane flight out of St. Louis so he could visit his family for one day before he heading to Singapore for a week to work on some crazy deal. My boss kept him at the office an extra half hour -- while a cab was outside waiting to take him to the airport -- talking about non-substantive stuff that could have been handled over the phone on the way to the airport.

You can't even comprehend the feeling I have each time when I leave -- it's an odd combination of utter joy, sheer exhaustion, couple with a significant dose of disgust (from the food, the people, the airport, the weather). It's like that scene from Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank Prison -- "Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too." Leaving STL is really very similar to that experience, it's shitty and no one else wants to imagine what it's like. The only thing missing is the part where I retire to Mexico and live off a boat there.

What's Going On ....

2007-08-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

So quick update, my dad was doing a bit better this weekend after going to the ER on Friday afternoon. He was in pretty good spirits today, which happens to be his 67th birthday. So I swung by with the kids this afternoon, with gift and birthday cupcake in hand. It was the cupcake purchase which led to the following interaction with my youngest progeny:

O: "Who's that cupcake for?"
Me: "That's for grandpa's birthday."
O (sounding like a young Veruca Salt): "I want a cupcake, too!!!"
Me: "Well it's grandpa's birthday, so why don't we let him eat it?"
O (thinking fast): "But that cupcake won't be good for grandpa, he's sick."

Ahh, my lil' doctor ... always looking out for her patients' best interests. I never knew that they started putting some sort of kidney rejection serum into cupcakes! Not only was she alert enough to warm me of the latent danger, she was also gracious enough to offer to dispose of the harmful baked good. And to think I was never made aware by his doctors. So go suck on that Stanford Hospital!

Worst. Conference. Call. Ever

2007-08-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dearsweetlordjesusinheaven, please kill me. I'm working with my crazy boss to make some changes to a contract document, and it's just brutal. I'm in minute 90 of a what will be a three hour call. I imagine a bear mauling would be more comfortable. And about 10 minutes ago, he uttered the fantastic line "we've almost got the contract down to one page, that would be hot."

"Hot?" really, would it be hot? Funny, I never thought of contract documents as possessing personal qualities such as hot, cool or sweet. Also, what 48-year old man talks like that? It's like I'm on a call with Paris Hilton, except she would know more about contract law. Zing!

I'm Back

2007-08-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

So real quick, I made it back from my vacation to Ireland (had a good time but am exhausted) and then I found out that my dad had a kidney transplant the day I was returning (he's doing okay). So while there's a lot to write about, I'm not much in the mood. Sorry about that, but I will write further shortly.

Good Morni..., uhhh, Afternoon

2007-08-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's only 2:00 and already it's been a long day. I'm wrapping up (or at least trying to) a bunch of stuff before I go on vacation and I keep thinking of stuff I need to do. Oh well, shit will be waiting for me here when I get back I guess. I'm not certain that I will be able or inclined to post anything while I'm on vacation, so this might be the last bit you hear from me until late next week (or if the plane crashes, ever). I should have some good travel stories, though, to share if I make it back safely. Chat with you soon.

Helps A-Comin' for GW!

2007-08-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

Awesome title and corresponding photo. Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

Let The Good Times Roll

2007-07-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

New research from Rutgers University suggests that the combination of exercise and caffeine increased destruction of precancerous cells that had been damaged by the sun's ultraviolet-B radiation. The study of mice indicated that there is a protective effect from both caffeine and voluntary exercise, and when both are combined the protection is even more than the sum of the two. Compared with the control animals, those drinking caffeine had a 95 percent increase in apoptosis in damaged cells. The exercisers showed a 120 percent increase, and the mice that were both drinking and running showed a nearly 400 percent increase.

Putting aside the obvious fantastic news that scientists have somehow discovered how to get mice to drink coffee, this is also a welcome discovery because I will probably have about a 1700 increase in apotosis (whatever that is) based on my caffeine consumption alone. Add in the occasional run, and I figure that purchasing sunscreen is probably a thing of the past, just like dinosaurs. Only, not as scary.