Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Celebrity Wellness Week

I thought it would be interesting - at least to me - to have a common theme for this week's posts, similar to Kate's Denver fashion week, but minus actual photos of me. Henceforth, this will be "Celebrity Wellness Week," which combines a few of my favorite subject matters - fitness, celebrities and my natural inclination to make fun of said celebrity. I am hoping this week's posts featuring pictures and stories about the health and wellbeing of certain celebrities will be fun filled. Or at least somewhat amusing. Let us begin.

Today's subject matter is Jude Law, who was spotted recently prancing ..., err, I mean jogging in Southern California. What do you focus on first? The foppish hair? The "Lollipop Guild" running shoes? And are those even running shorts or merely yesterday's boxers?



Good god, man, you make about $10 million per film. Go out and get yourself some clothes that don't look like they were stolen from a used clothing store trash bin.

By the way, I want everyone to rest assured that I'm not planning on making fun of celebrities' weight. There's simply nothing appropriate or funny about posting an unflattering photograph of a celebrity (for example, the one of Mariah Carey below) and adding some mean-spirited, condescending comment (such as, "Avast, me hardies and set your course for Cheesecake Island!"). Even that would be below my relatively low standards.



Tomorrow's subject: Pat Robertson, bodybuilder.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Chateau Nuf De Ape

It was recently announced that monkeys and apes in Budapest's Zoo drink their way through 55 liters of red wine each year, to help boost their red blood cells, the zoo said Monday. Budapest Zoo spokesman Zoltan Hanga said it was the 11 anthropoid apes who drank most of the wine in 2005. "Obviously, they do not have it all at once and get drunk, but they get it in small amounts mixed in their tea," Hanga said.

This article nicely combines two of my favorite things -- Budapest and zoos. No wait ... I mean monkeys and red wine. Can you imagine anything better than that? I don't know about you, but throw in some rugby and Scarlett Johansson and I'm one happy monkey.

Sexy Time!

I like to call this swimsuit "the fuzzy divider."



Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Great Quote

Sorry I've been out of pocket, but I just got back from my sister's wedding (write up to follow) and I'm buried at work. But I couldn't resist the urge to post this fantastic quote that delivered by the Rev. Brent Randall Regnart, who offered the invocation at the start of the a Republican fundraiser event which was headlined by Vice President Dick Cheney.

"Lord, tonight is all about raising money."

Well put, Reverend. I really wish I had the full text of the prayer, which I'm surprised did not begin with "The Lord is our ATM, we shall not want ..."

What I am surprised is that anyone actually thinks that praying to God for money (or praying for sports acumen or thanking god for winning your Grammy) actually gets you anything. I mean, seriously, is God going to answer the prayer by forcing otherwise free-willed individuals to donate more money than they otherwise would so some Republican fuckwit can potentially get elected to the House of Representatives? I didn't realize that God leaned to the right politically, but Dennis Miller surprised me, too.

"Lord, today is all about my company's stock price."

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Perks of Privilege

This is a great article ....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How the rich get richer."

Clara Jeffery
Mother Jones Magazine, May/June 2006 Issue
http://www.motherjones.com/news/exhibit/2006/05/perks_of_privilege.html


IN 1985, THE FORBES 400 were worth $221 billion combined. Today, they’re worth $1.13 trillion—more than the GDP of Canada.

THERE’VE BEEN FEW new additions to the Forbes 400. The median household income has also stagnated—at around $44,000.

AMONG THE FORBES 400 who gave to a 2004 presidential campaign, 72% gave to Bush.

IN 2005, there were 9 million American millionaires, a 62% increase since 2002.

IN 2005, 25.7 million Americans received food stamps, a 49% increase since 2000.

ONLY ESTATES worth more than $1.5 million are taxed. That’s less than 1% of all estates. Still, repealing the estate tax will cost the government at least $55 billion a year.

ONLY 3% OF STUDENTS at the top 146 colleges come from families in the bottom income quartile; only 10% come from the bottom half.

BUSH’S TAX CUTS GIVE a 2-child family earning $1 million an extra $86,722—or Harvard tuition, room, board, and an iMac G5 for both kids.

A 2-CHILD family earning $50,000 gets $2,050—or 1/5 the cost of public college for one kid.

THIS YEAR, Donald Trump will earn $1.5 million an hour to speak at Learning Annex seminars.

ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, the federal minimum wage has fallen 42% since its peak in 1968.

IF THE $5.15 HOURLY minimum wage had risen at the same rate as CEO compensation since 1990, it would now stand at $23.03.

A MINIMUM WAGE employee who works 40 hours a week for 51 weeks a year goes home with $10,506 before taxes.

SUCH A WORKER would take 7,000 years to earn Oracle CEO Larry Ellison’s yearly compensation.

ELLISON RECENTLY posed in Vanity Fair with his $300 million, 454-foot yacht, which he noted is “really only the size of a very large house.”

ONLY THE WEALTHIEST 20% of Americans spend more on entertainment than on health care.

THE $17,530 EARNED by the average Wal-Mart employee last year was $1,820 below the poverty line for a family of 4.

5 OF AMERICA’S 10 richest people are Wal-Mart heirs.

PUBLIC COMPANIES spend 10% of their earnings compensating their top 5 executives.

1,730 BOARD MEMBERS of the nation’s 1,000 leading companies sit on the boards of 4 or more other corporations—including half of Coca-Cola’s 14-person board.

THE BIDDER who won a round of golf with Tiger Woods for $30,100 at a 2004 Buick charity auction could deduct all but about $200.

TIGER MADE $87 million in 2005, all but $12 million from endorsements and appearance fees.

THE 5TH LEADING philanthropist last year was Boone Pickens, in part due to his $165 million gift to Oklahoma State University’s golf program.

WITHIN AN HOUR, OSU invested it in a hedge fund Pickens controls. Thanks to a Katrina relief provision, his “gift” was also 100% deductible.

LAST YEAR 250 COMPANIES gave top execs between $50,000 and $1 million worth of wholly personal flights on corporate jets.

THIS PERK is 66% more costly to companies whose CEO belongs to out-of-state golf clubs.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT spends $500,000 on 8 security screeners who speed execs from a Wall Street helipad to American’s JFK terminal.

UNITED HAS CUT the pensions and salaries of most employees but promised 400 top executives 8% of the shares it expects to issue upon emerging from bankruptcy.

UNITED’S TOP 8 execs will also get a bonus of between 55% and 100% of their salaries.

IN 2002, “turnaround artist” Robert Miller dumped Bethlehem Steel’s pension obligation, allowing “vulture investor” Wilbur L. Ross to buy steel stock and sell it at a 1,000% profit.

IN 2005, DELPHI HIRED Miller for $4.5 million. After Ross said he might buy Delphi if its labor costs fell, Miller demanded wage cuts of up to 63% and dumped the pension obligation.

10 FORMER ENRON directors agreed to pay shareholders a $13 million settlement—which is 10% of what they made by dumping stock while lying about the company’s health.

POOR AMERICANS spend 1/4 of their income on residential energy costs.

EXXON’S 2005 PROFIT of $36.13 billion is more than the GDP of 2/3 of the world’s nations.

CEO PAY AMONG military contractors has tripled since 2001. For David Brooks, the CEO of bulletproof vest maker DHB, it’s risen 13,233%.

AT THE $10 MILLION bat mitzvah party Brooks threw his daughter last year, guests got $1,000 gift bags and listened to Aerosmith, Kenny G., Tom Petty, Stevie Nicks, and 50 Cent—who reportedly sang, “Go shorty, it’s your bat mitzvah, we gonna party like it’s your bat mitzvah.”

FOR PERFORMING IN the Live 8 concerts to “make poverty history,” musicians each got gift bags worth up to $12,000.

OSCAR PERFORMERS and presenters collectively owe the IRS $1,250,000 on the gift bags they got at the 2006 Academy Awards ceremony.

A DOG FOOD COMPANY provided “pawdicures” and other spa treatments to pets of celebrities attending the 2006 Sundance Film Festival.

ONE OF MADONNA’S recent freebies: $10,000 mink and diamond-tipped false eyelashes.

PARIS HILTON, who charges clubs $200,000 to appear for 20 minutes, stiffed Elton John’s AIDS benefit the $2,500-per-plate fee she owed.

ACCORDING TO Radar magazine, Owen Wilson was paid $100,000 to attend a Mercedes-Benz-sponsored Hamptons polo match. When other guests tried to speak with him, he reportedly said, “That’s not my job.”

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Pat Robertson - You Go Girl!

In the latest in his series of contemptuous pronouncements, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

Robertson has made the predictions at least four times in the past two weeks on his television show "The 700 Club." Robertson said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Robertson has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for Israel's pullout from the Gaza Strip.

As JP pointed out, really the best part is the line: "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms."

Like "talking" to God is like listening to a college lecture or talking on a shitty cell phone. I can almost picture it:

Pat: "Lord, what are you saying to me?"
God: "WOIJDFP)DJFJLJ SDKJ(@"
Pat: "Come again, lord? Can you repeat that last part?"
God: "SDOI OAI OIW 1U3IF!!"
Pat: "Uhhh, okay. Just to clarify - did you say 'the coasts of America will be lashed by storms' or 'the throats of Americans will be slashed by worms?' I really want to get this right for my 700 Club audience, which demands 100% accuracy."

While I believe that God is as real as the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, deep down I secretly hope there is a god on the off chance that he might suddenly be struck dead by lightening. I can only hope.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Back to Old Form

This is an open letter to the people who ride public transportation in the Bay Area that have absolutely no sense whatsoever.

* This is to the woman yesterday who stood RIGHT behind me on a not-so-crowded BART train yesterday morning ... who brushed against me at least 8 different times ... without apologizing or acknowledging it ... and who kept chewing and popping her gum RIGHT in my ear ... I just want to say thank you. And by "thank you," I really mean "Fuck off you annoying shrew. Give me some goddamned space and stop chewing your fucking gum in my ear, you cow."

* Then there was the guy playing his trumpet on the BART train last night. Thanks for the song Dizzy Gillespie, but who in their right mind thinks it's acceptable to practice their musical instrument on a train with other people on it. I am so annoyed right now, that I would rather hear the screeching of the train than hear you practicing scales. Fortunately, you were not sitting RIGHT in front of me or I would have been tempted to beat you with that fucking horn.

* Last, but not least ..... for the retard on the SF ferry this morning that clipped his fingernails while sitting RIGHT behind me for 10 goddamned minutes, I would like to say "What in the fuck is wrong with you? What world do you live in where you can clip your nails in public and not disgust everyone in your immediate vicinity?"

And I thought air travel was bad. Seriously, is it just me? What is wrong with people?

Lazy Monday

It's not you, it's me.

I really have been swamped and haven't been on top of things recently. But I wanted to say a few words for the few brave souls that allow me to link to their blogs:

* Thanks to Pop for the Mother's Day gift suggestion of the "bath bomb" (not to be confused with the "Shower WMDs"). Much appreciated. I'm sure you've converted another believer.

* I've noticed that none of the male models on Derek's blog can seem to afford shirts. What's up with that? I thought models mad a ton of cash. Guess I'll stick to the law talking gig. BTW, when are you getting together with the crier, JM?

* Welcome back Smartypants ... glad that you're back. Sorry to hear about Reggie Bush and the Astros, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

* And lastly, congratulations (again) to Kate on the news of her engagement. I am thrilled for the two of you. I got dibs on getting you the Hello Kitty guitar for your wedding.

Okay, that's it. Have a nice day/evening.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Hello Big Brother


In the latest erosion of constitutional rights and civil liberties, it was reported by USA Today that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been secretly collecting the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans, using data provided by AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth.

Qwest (my former employer) declined to cooperate with the NSA because it was uneasy about the legal implications of handing over customer information to the government without warrants. That's partially true, but anyone who works there knows that it probably had to do with the fact that they are inept and worried about bad publicity. That and the fact that their too busy dealing with shareholder lawsuits and the like.

What's even more disturbing is that nearly two-thirds of Americans are totally fine with being spied upon by their government.

WHAT THE FUCK?

My guess is that, oh, 0.004% of them realize that such surveillance is actually illegal according to Constitutional scholars. But putting aside that small fact, does anyone else think that this has go to be the biggest waste of money and resources? How about we throw some of the multi-billion dollars at our schools?

We have absolutely, totally 100% lost our minds in this country. I swear, each month I tell myself "don't worry -- only 2 more years and this fuckwit is gone. It can't get any worse." And then it does.

To any Republican reading this blog (unlikely as it is), can you honestly tell me that Clinton was this bad? Seriously?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

"You Really Should Meet My Sister .... She Has a Great Personality"

This is Denise Richards' sister. Seriously.

Wow, talk about a Dennis and Randy Quaid-esque imbalance when it comes to the distribution of looks among siblings.

Now I don't know which of the following would be worse if Denise Richards uttered those words to me:

(a) The fact that she would rather continue sleeping with hideous Richie Sambora than me (I mean, chicks dig scars, right?),

or

(b) The fact that Denise Richards' sister doesn't looks nearly as good as she does.

Both pieces of information are highly disturbing, but I think I might have to opt for (b) as the more unsettling one. I don't know if it's the awful bob haircut or the unsightly eyebrows that scream "pluck me," but "disappointed" would be a vast understatement if I went to pick her up on a blind date. She looks like a tranny who's dressed up like Carol Burnett.

Yes, I know that the above analysis is shallow and vapid. I freely acknowledge that. But we're talking about Denise Richards here and I'm pretty certain that looks comprises 98% of the attraction factor where she's involved. I'm fairly certain that she would come in last in a sixth grade spelling bee, although people who regularly read this blog would likely say that I probably wouldn't fare much better. (Thats just crazey takl.)

God Help Us All

President Bush suggested Wednesday that he’d like to see his family’s White House legacy continue, perhaps with his younger brother Jeb as the chief executive. The president said Florida Gov. Jeb Bush is well-suited for another office and would make “a great president. I would like to see Jeb run at some point in time, but I have no idea if that’s his intention or not,” Bush said in an interview with Florida reporters.

The president said he had “pushed him fairly hard about what he intends to do,” but the younger Bush has not said. “I have no idea what he’s going to do. I’ve asked him that question myself. I truly don’t think he knows,” Bush said.

Which of course means he is planning on running.

Fuck.

Honestly, if this doesn't mobilize (i.e., scare the shit out of) Americans and Democrats, specifically, I'm going to officially give up on this country and move to the moon. Yes, that's right, the moon. Where they don't have some fucked up belief that the Bushes are some sort of goddamned sovereign family that was born to run our government.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Happy Tuesday

You know, I had every intention of posting something witty and original today. And then I saw this picture ... and totally lost my train of thought. I promise to compose myself and post something original shortly.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Run While You Can!!!!

I'm not sure which is more disconcerting. The shoddy "I don't even care anymore" attempt to cover up her nursing bra. Or the hopeless, saddened "please help me" look on Katie/Kate's face. Whatever the case, it looks like she would rather be anywhere else but right there, right then.

And I have NO IDEA how this turned into the "Make Fun of TC" blog, but it seems to have morphed into that recently. Guess that's what happenes when one is pressed for time and hasn't flown for work in a while. Don't worry, though, it will happen again soon enough, kiddies. I'm sure of it.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Separated at Birth


Ricky Martin (wow, that looks really straight) and Moe Howard, in all of their glory. Wow, you can hardly tell them apart.

My profound apologies to my friends at the Q. I looked everywhere for a picture of Lou to add to the trifecta, but I couldn't find one. And trust me, I looked. Only you folks know how much that would have added to this post. Everyone else can disregard this paragraph.

Have a fun Cinco de Mayo and great weekend!

Dear God, Make Him Stop



As part of his "Mission Impossible 3" publicity tour, Tom Cruise made an appearance on BET's 106 and Park stage and was encouraged to dance.

And "dance" he did.

Holy shit.

Now I don't know if Scientology frowns on bad dancing but if it does, I'm sure L. Ron Hubbard is spinning over in his grave or cryogenic chamber or wherever the fuck his body is.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Here We Go Again

A 63-year-old British hospital consultant is set to become one of the world's oldest mothers after undergoing fertility treatment, the Italian doctor who treated her said on Thursday.

Patricia Rashbrook, a child psychologist from Lewes, East Sussex, was given in vitro fertilization treatment last October, her doctor Severino Antinori told Reuters. He said Rashbrook, whom he last saw in November, was "perfect" for the treatment, because although she was 62 at the time, she had a biological age of about 45.

"She came here with her husband, the couple love each other, she is very slim, blonde and in perfect condition, she fits all the criteria for maternity. She should live for at least 20 to 25 years -- we are not giving birth to an orphan," he said.

I contrast the above mother-to-be (who looks great for her age), with a 62-year-old California woman who gave birth in February to her 12th child.

Compare and contrast the photos.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Don't Worry, I'm Alive

Yes, boys and girls, I survived my rugby filled weekend and have a lovely assortment of abrasions, bruises and aches to show for it.

God, I am so far behind with posting that I figured I would prepare a Cliff Notes-esque version to make up for the past week. Besides, I pretty much tend to ramble on about the same things over and over again, so here's a quick amalgamation of all my typical posts:

* I hate flying. It's scary and people suck on planes. I had 5 takeoffs and landings this weekend and all of them sucked. Three cheers for Southwest!

* I love Scarlett Johansson. She makes me tingly. And here's why!

* Geoerge Bush is a tool. Republicans are schmucks. Don't vote for any of them! (Now that is the kind of hard hitting political commentary you do not find on TV.)

* People are generally rude and annoying. The lastest instance of inappropriate behavior involved (choose one): nail clipping in public / not washing hands after using restroom / getting on the elevator before I could get off / repeated flatulence in a contained space / taking one's shirt off at the gym.

* "Old School 2" is in the works. Hurray!

* Another fun weekend of rugby games, this time in Missoula MT. Details of the weekend are both fuzzy and privileged. Good times.

Okay, that's it. Have a great day and I'm hoping to post something more detailed/interesting tomorrow.